My Identity Crisis

(??? - source)

This has been a recurring theme in my life lately. For reasons that are nothing short of a reflection of me, it has been a difficult and yet relieving transition.

We all experience hurt. Anyone that tells you that pain is for the weak clearly has no passion. But we've all heard sentiments that go along the lines of "without the rain, we can't appreciate the sunshine" or "you don't know what it feels like to succeed if you've never failed". Similarly, you won't know what happiness is without having suffered from some form of pain in your past. It builds character, and, to quote my Psych prof, each transaction with the universe leads you in some direction or another and it impacts you in a very profound way, whether or not you realize it.

Without going too deep into the philosophical stuff, I wanted to touch on this issue of "identity". 

My later elementary and high school years were marked with aspects of inner battles with myself due to the climate that I was in. High school, as I quickly learned, was kind of like TV but less flashy and could stand to be more vicious than the plastic cheerleaders that paraded around fictional high school grounds. And while I had a solid group of friends to lean on, I had always struggled with trust and transparency. I look back now in life and regret the many times that I trusted people that I shouldn't have, and all the times I refrained from trusting those that I truly trusted. 

I've always had trust issues. My trust issues ultimately made me close in on myself at multiple points of my adolescent life, and it led me down some scary paths and roads that sometimes I wish I didn't take. Most notably, depression, disordered eating, and attempts at suicide.

But it wasn't until recently that I noticed myself having incredibly meaningful discussions about life, choices, and identity. At the beginning of this semester I started taking a faith study with 9 other girls on what it truly means to be a Catholic. We are called to evangelize and to bring all people closer to God. It reminded me that despite the bumpy road that I may have had growing up, God has destined something truly great for each one of His children - all 7 billion of them and counting.

Talking in great depth with friends about our life stories to date gave me a new found appreciation for choice and identity. As one friend described to me, "There are choices I made, some fantastic and some poor, but I wouldn't trade a single one of them. All of them make up me, and I wouldn't be the me I am right now if I had chosen otherwise." Some people had lamented poor choices in their past, wishing that they could turn back time and do it all over again. Others stood back in awe of their good and not so good choices, realizing that each tiny detail had amounted to who they currently are. Regardless of what end of the spectrum you identify with, I think we can all agree that our lives are made up of choices that we have made, meaning that even something as small as choosing to smile in the morning can impact your life path in some way or another.

Our identity is so important - it is who we portray ourselves to be in the world, and I cannot emphasize enough the importance of not hiding who you are. I remember high school being a tricky time for this: I hid so much of my identity to different people, playing different characters in different social circles. But none of those pictures fully showed who I was: it was different parts of the puzzle complete with some noticeable gaps. And I'm not sure when in my life I decided to forgo what people thought in a "take it or leave it" attitude, but being myself - all of myself - never felt so liberating.

I don't apologize for being a woman. I don't apologize for being Chinese. I don't apologize for being Catholic. I don't apologize for identifying as someone with depression or someone who has had suicidal thoughts. I no longer deny my past, my beliefs, and my culture. And I think that no one should have to conceal who they truly are.

I'm not telling all of us to go out and be self-righteous and pompous people. Embrace yourself and your identity; don't apologize for it. Accept the choices that you made in the past and forgive yourself for the difficult ones you had to make. Love yourself and treat yourself with respect.

Your identity is important, and it is special. Don't let your fear of conformity get in the way of your true identity.

x R

Dear (Younger) Me,

So I know I am slightly behind (2009 called, they want their idea back), but in my defense, YouTube was doing this too. They are behind, and I am behind them. So everyone is behind.

About a month ago YouTube had this explosion of Dear Me videos. I vowed that I would get around to doing something like a letter or a video, but unfortunately life got in the way. But now I am here, and I have a letter to myself. I was going to do a video but then I realized that I am not as technologically advanced as I think. The Dear Me campaign consisted of letters written by people who are now adults, looking back on their 16 year old selves and imparting on them the knowledge that they have now.

I realize that I am only 18 (going on 19, finally) and that 16 was only a mere 2 years ago. I may not have gotten that much older but I feel like I have grown wiser in some respects. Or, at least that is what I would like to claim.

But here we go.

Dear (younger) me,

Spoiler alert: Life goes down. It goes down. But then, it goes way up. Life, as I have finally figured out, works that way. There are ups and downs, nasty turns but marvelous views. There are a million and one ways to get to a certain destination, and even though you didn't see it at the time, the scenic route was definitely more rewarding than the straightforward route that is ten times faster.

The thing is, you learn so much growing up. Friends come and go, and sometimes even the bestest friends in the world have to fall apart. You don't have to do everything your friends do. It's alright that you don't feel comfortable partying or having loud nights out. You are still you, and you are still unique and important.

All the people that pushed you around at one time or another, another spoiler alert: they don't mean anything. In the future, you will find yourself talking and even reconciling with people that you never thought you would. You will push aside the brick walls that had separated you from them. There are some fights that are worth fighting, and some that you just have to let go of. You will have fights with people that, in the grand scheme of things, aren't there for you at the end of the day. So why are you upset? Why are you hurting over people that don't care for you? Move on! The people that truly do care about you are there: you have to let them in and push out the things and ones that don't matter.

And as for boys, you will meet many. I think this is the hardest part to write about to you, my dear. You know as much as I do that you fall hard for guys: the tall ones, the dark haired ones, the cute ones, the sweet talking ones. But you are so young! Why so serious? Why tie yourself down so quickly? The boys that you thought you were in love with, it's not serious. I'll say it to you again: you will move on! You will meet other guys! It's extremely difficult to move on from someone who you thought loved you, but you will. I know you will, because look where we are now. Focus on finding who you are, and what you want out of  someone, and find that one person that will respect you for being you, and not what your body can or cannot do.

Finally, guess who still hasn't figured their life out? You haven't, or I haven't. Both of us haven't. You probably aren't stressing about this part of life yet. But let your mind roam and your heart desire. There are so many opportunities in the world. Don't let others tie you down into believing that you have to go into a certain career for you to succeed. Because either way, you will. Never think that you are not good enough for this person or that position. Believe in yourself and others will believe in you.

The world has so much to offer you - all you have to do is stand up and go after what they have. Do your best always, never give up and always give 150% in everything you do. Because when you do, great things will happen.

I believe in you and I love you.

Love always,

Me

x R