an open letter - to the ones that have no clue

There are a number of things to think about on daily basis, regardless of what stage of life you are in (though granted, the young ones have less to think about). I miss the days where there is nothing to think about. There is nothing to worry about. You just live, and that is all you can do. Good times, rough times, you just roll with it.

People ask you innocent questions, you give them innocent answers. The most frequently asked question in any person's life? What are you going to be when you grow up?

As I got older, the question was worded and rephrased - what are you going to be when you grow up? What do you want to do when you are out of school? What are you going to do with your life? As I got older, my answers changed. I remember thinking that I wanted to be a princess, but elementary school taught me that unfortunately, that probably will not happen. The dreams and professions changed - a singer. An actress. A famous pianist. A lawyer. A politician. A teacher. A counselor. A journalist. An author.The list is endless and the choices keep changing with the times.

And 18 years later, I still have no clue. 

But something I learned recently is to embrace the unknown, the questions, the journey. Many of my peers are in the same boat as I am, and I learned from many people that are wiser than I am that there are more choices now than ever, and that my decisions do not necessarily need to be made now.

So an open letter, mostly to myself, but also to the ones that have no clue (like myself):

To all those going through high school, who are not really afraid of the future but are just realizing now how quickly time is passing:

You are so right, time is flying. And it is flying fast. One moment your biggest problem is trying to get that kid to notice you, and now you are dealing with other things, other big things. And maybe you are still struggling to get this kid to notice you. Remember that time is valuable, and that the time spent in such a confined space (aka high school) is a fantastic time to build up strong, solid relationships. This means taking care of the ones that really care for you. Listening to those who are there for you and holding on to the ones that are ready to listen to you. It means cutting loose all negativity and those that cut you down instead of building you up. Build up yourself while building up those around you. Together, you thrive. You do not need to go at it alone.

To all those ready to make the jump into the void (aka university):

Remember the question, "what are you going to do with your life?" How many times have you been asked that this year - what university are you going to? What are you going to study? What do you want to get into? 

It is an overwhelming time, especially if you have no clue. But remember that having a response to these questions now is only temporary. You will grow; thus, you will change. And change is a good thing: it means that you are being exposed to new things, learning new lessons and becoming a better person every single day. So keep an open mind, and remember that your values will change. Who you are now does not necessarily define who you will be. But do not despair, because this change is normal. This change is necessary.

And if you do not have an answer just yet and have no clue? That is okay too. No one says that by the time you walk into your first university lecture that you have to have your life figured out up until you graduate. While it can be done, it is almost impossible. So do not let that stress you out - figure out your likes and your dislikes. Find your passion, but look for practicality in that passion. You still have time to figure out what you want to do, and in the end, the many people that ask you those questions will not be figuring out the answer for you. Take the time to look into yourself and figure out what you want out of life; after all, you are the one living it.

To all those who are in the void and are worried about what is to come (aka life): 

It is time to take matters into our own hands. Take hold of a direction and look for a solution. There are so many possibilities, but remember that even after you get your degree and are ready to take on the world, change can happen. That does not mean to hide under a rock and try to guess what the world will be like in 20 years, but to have hope and faith. Have hope in what you are doing with your life and have faith in your ability. You made it this far, and you can definitely go the distance and make yourself (and all those who ever asked you the dreaded question) proud.

Personally I have already had many changes in my life's master plan. There are so many opportunities, so many directions, so many choices. And even with all of this selection, I still have no idea what to do with my life. 

As it sits right now, I am at the end of my first semester, afraid for exams but knowing that better things (and, spoiler alert, more exams await me). But there is so much ahead of me, and for all of us. I write this listening to smooth voices of male singer/songwriters and sipping strawberry-lemonade tea, with some sort of inkling as to what I am going to do with my life.

To the ones that have no clue - have faith, for bigger and better things await you.

"Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established." - Proverbs 16:3

 So best of luck to everyone writing exams and filling out university applications and everyone's projects and tests. The best is yet to come - keep spilling more ink!

x R

The Top Ten Things I Need to Remember (as finals are next week)

10. High school final exams are nothing like university final exams.The only experience I have is none. None whatsoever. My only advantage is that I guess I am used to weekend exams because of piano but that is pretty much it. Then again, maybe all exams are the same.

9. Studying for high school exams is nothing like studying for university final exams. This means 1) no cramming the night before and 2) no procrastination. Just do it. Just study.

8. My profs did not make such a big deal about exams, and suddenly I feel really zen. I feel really calm. Almost too calm that it is making me suspicious. But that might be a good thing:

study hard + study early = no stress

7. Thank God that my spread of exams is great. I have God to thank profusely for that, and I guess myself for choosing such awesome courses.

6. As much as staying up late to study sounds like a super fantastic idea, DO NOT (repeat) DO NOT stay up late and study. I do not want to study into the morning hours before an exam. This will kill me and my grade and therefore my GPA.

5. If anything, remember theories. Theories are important. Then, use the theories to apply what I learned this semester.

4. Remember that this is only 4 x 3 hours of my life = 12 hours of exams total. It is a lot of time. It is half a day. But it will pass. I will pass.

3. Do one thing a day that I love. Remember the 25-5-30 rule so that I do not burn out. Watch funny videos (but set a time limit on that too, or else things can go wrong...)

2. Bring EVERYTHING that I need to each exam. Wake up on time. Get there on time. Best to be early and relax (and cram/wallow/die) early than to be rushing and risk being late.

1. Pray for guidance, support, and mercy. Because somethings this semester (especially Stats) are lost in my brain and confusion.

BONUS: All of this will be over soon. Time flies... I hope.

Here is a throwback Thursday photo of me as I was just accepting my application to SFU and attending an event. 

Keep spilling ink! I know I will - three of my exams are essay based. The other one has some kind of math in it but my prof writes wordy questions, therefore, I need to provide lengthy answers to answer all questions hidden inside one question. Best of luck to everyone on their exams, final projects and papers - I know we will all succeed. Mandatory celebrations to follow, just in time for the holidays!

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

- James 1:5

x R

I Don't Need A Man (Yet)

Last week I began working as a volunteer at Newton Elementary school as part of a pilot program called Racing Readers. Racing Readers is a partnership between Simon Fraser University, the TD Community Engagement Center and the City of Surrey School District. It was my goal at the beginning of my university career to become more engaged in my community, and this program has answered my prayers.

Along with other volunteers, I have the opportunity to work once a week with children in grades 3-5 doing physical activity like circuit training, running and games (hence "racing") and literacy activities such as reading and journal writing (hence "readers"). Even though I am two weeks in, I am so humbled to work in this position as a volunteer with other students who want to help these kids.

The cool thing about kids is how open they are. Yesterday during my second session, some of the girls that I had spent time with the previous week spent more time with me. One of the girls, who is 8 years old I believe, asked me the following question:

"Do you have a husband?"

I laughed and I said no, I am not that old. She then laughed too and then asked another question.

"Do you have a boyfriend? I really want a boyfriend. One that will buy me all the toys that my mom won't buy for me."

I laughed at this, but inside of me I was surprised and shocked. Not at the fact that her mom would not buy her toys (the nerve of that mother!), but at the fact that she wanted a boyfriend at such a young age.

Her friends nodded their heads in agreement. One of them piped in to talk about her older sister's boyfriend and how much fun they had together.

"I think I'd have way more fun with a boyfriend."

This really shocked me. These girls, if I may remind you, are 8-9 years old. This was an alarming thing to hear, and yet, not so alarming at the same time.

The "I want a boyfriend" phenomenon has seemed to take off in young girls, but even girls my age hum and haw over finding their one true love. "Forever alone" has become a lamentation. "One true pairing" is the goal. And don't forget the relationship goals of making breakfast with, snuggling with, stargazing with, or exploring with your significant other.

(http://txmblevibes.tumblr.com/)

I suppose I would be foolish to say that at one point I did not have this yearning for a boyfriend, or even that from time to time I feel a pang of wistfulness and hope for the one to come along.

But I want to share something.

You do not need to keep searching. You do not need to constantly put yourself out there. You do not need a man (or woman)... yet.

Personally the past few months have been busy, crazy and filled to the brim. There was no time to think, only time to do. There was limited time to spend with friends, which made me sad. On top of that, there was definitely no time for boys.

Yes, there would be the occasional looker in lecture that made me swoon. But I told myself that I was not going to be actively looking. I would wait until it was my turn, and when that turn comes, I will know.

I guess you can say that after a couple disappointments and life lessons, I decided to hold out on the dream of finding my one true pair. I decided to focus on my studies, deepening my faith through Catholic Christian Outreach, making new friends and connections, deepening my relationship with my family and above all, finding out where my life will eventually lead.

At the end of the day, I found that there was no time to even think about boys or how to impress this one or that one. And in the long run over this term, I found myself happier. Not because I think boys are unnecessary, but because I was not expecting to fall in love with someone and not beating myself up because of it.

I am not saying that I am confident that someone will come along. I feel that there has to be the right balance of waiting and pursuing, but only when I am ready. Like what I told the girls at Racing Readers, "Not every boy will be a Prince Charming. But when the right one comes, he will be your Prince Charming. Until then, love yourself and love your friends and family - they are the ones that will get through the good times and the bad times even before your future boyfriend comes along."

Furthermore, I want this person to love God just as much as they love me. I am willing to get my life together and figure out who I am before I jump into anything long term with the end result being wedding bells.

Ironically, the new Taylor Swift song "Blank Space" has resonated deeply within me ever since I listened to it for the first time last week. "So it's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames", she says. This has never articulated teen love so realistically, especially with so many young relationships ending with friendships being broken. No one deserves to have friendships broken or have them go down in flames - I am willing to wait for my forever, the forever that everyone deserves.

I can't believe that the semester is already over! Here is to new experiences, new lessons, new friends and love for all, and spill ink while you do.

x R

The Opera That was Too Close for Comfort

It has been a while since I have posted, and this time I promise that it will be more than pointless this time.

I guess just to catch up, it's been a hectic ride, trying to pull up my socks and get into the swing of the academic expectations of university life. I had never written a five page paper before, but I do suppose there is a first time for everything. Thus, I do apologize for the long hiatus. In light of my recent success of finishing more of my research paper than I had anticipated, I decided to reward myself but doing some non-academic, free writing here on my beloved blog.

This had been on my mind for an entire week, and what better way to share my experience than right here. Because I had a week I (somewhat) formulated my thoughts and my feelings, so here goes nothing:

Exactly one week ago, I went to my first opera ever, Stickboy, with my music history class and teacher. Though Stickboy did not meet traditional opera standards (huge orchestra, foreign languages, crazy elaborate sets, etc.), I was so glad that this was my first opera. For one thing, I could understand the singers because they sang in English. The other thing was that I could relate to the content all too well.

Stickboy is based on a book by spoken word artist Shane Koyczan, who was a feature performer at the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Games closing ceremony. As a lover of slam poetry, this was one of my earliest glimpses into such an art that really drove my curiosity and passion for it. Stickboy is raw and uncomfortably auto-biographical, following the life of the main character "The Boy" and his journey through elementary and high school. The Boy was bullied relentlessly no matter where he went, and teachers at the various schools would do nothing to help him, and even blame him for provoking the bullies. The only ray of light in the Boy's life was his grandmother. She raised him and took care of him, listened when he needed someone to talk to and provided a crying shoulder.

Without ruining the plot of the story, the opera closes with a bittersweet ending. There really is no resolution to the Boy's bullying problem except through default - he graduates and is able to move on. He survived the jungle of torment and the desert of pain, but despite all this and his attempt at change, he never is fully accepted by his peers.

With libretto by Koyczan, music composed for a small chamber orchestra by Neil Weisenel, and powerful on-screen animations and projections by Giant Ant Productions, Stickboy touched audience members of all ages and brought many young people into opera theatres. The elderly lady beside me did not have a dry eye from the moment the Boy (played by British Columbian tenor Sunny Shams) opened his mouth. The man beside her, a man in a sharp suit around the age 45, even started crying when the Boy and his grandmother sang a moving duet - a duet with no words, just mere humming.

One of the reasons that I was so emotionally tied up in this opera was the issues that arose surrounding it. Unfortunately Stickboy is not just representative of Shane Koyczan's childhood but also that of many children and teenagers all over Canada and the States. The problem is that bullying is still happening, whether we are aware of it or not.

For me (and this is definitely a spoiler alert, so I apologize), the most profound and touching scene was a scary one. As a teenager, the Boy begins to fall into a depression and begins cutting. The 'cutting' scene is hypnotically orchestrated, looping for a total of nearly 6 minutes to portray his daily anger, sadness and ultimately his despair. Resorting to a blunt box knife, he cuts and cuts until the bleeding does not stop. This hit me like a ton of bricks.

In previous posts I have touched on my own experience with bullying and depression. For some magical reason that I am blessed with, God made blood my demise. I went through depression but was all too scared to cut. However, I could relate to hitting every piece of furniture with my fists and spending night after night screaming and conjuring ways to die. Watching this scene after nearly two years of recovery transported me back to those days, days that I am sad that I went through but thankful that I got through.

I admire Shane Koyczan. Having to live through your life over and over throughout rehearsals is a brave thing to do. The most admirable quality is that not only was he able to make it through one of the most difficult times of his life, but he turned around and made it an important thing to share with the rest of the world. Stickboy is something that everyone should see, whether or not you have experienced bullying.

I was so pleased to hear that a condensed version for one singer and a four piece ensemble would begin travelling all over Canada beginning next year, bringing Stickboy to elementary and high schools. Though the impact would be slightly different, it is my hope that all children and teenagers (and parents) see Stickboy should the opportunity ever arise.

(Photo by Tim Matheson)

The catchphrase for Stickboy is "There's a bully in all of us". I hope that as time goes on, bullying will be erased and eliminated in our schools, and that the bully inside us does not ever have any possibility of manifesting itself in our lives.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” - Deuteronomy 31:6 

So let us strive to put the bully inside of us away for good in our society. Love one another for who they are and build one another up, and continue to spill ink while you do. Happy weekend, everyone. Hopefully I will be back soon :)

x R