My Brain is Overwhelmed

I should be studying for my midterms but my thoughts and words have been jumbled up in my mind for far too long. I have finally found a point of clarity so that I can jot down all of my thoughts to sum up the feelings/confusions/situations as of late. Apologies for not writing in so long and apologies also for the difference in content this time around - but  I guess hey, this did start off as a personal blog, right? And I'm learning, so I guess there is a place for that here.

1. Moving forward with my dreams.
It's no secret that writing takes up a significant portion of my life, especially during grade 12 onwards and even more so now. Writing for the student news paper and contributing to two blogs has kept me on my toes and busy (hence neglect here), and it has really inspired me to just keep thinking, observing, and writing. Even if the only person that reads my piece is the editor that edits my work, I am so grateful for the opportunity to move ahead with something that I love. I feel like I finally found my niche at school. On top of this, an added bonus is being able to work alongside some incredible people that share the same interests and love for writing as I do. Every time I see my name in print it brings me so much joy, but I remember always that there are so many people behind me that have helped me get to this point.

2. Departure from other things.
I haven't been as open about this because I am still trying to sort my feelings out. After playing piano for nearly 13 years with the intention of starting my diploma process this June, I recently found out that I am ineligible to take the path that I had prepared nearly a year and a half for. I was devastated. I can put blame on no one but myself for not looking into this sooner. But having this sudden rupture in my plan has begun to put things into perspective for me; #1, Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men has never had more weight on my life than right now, #2, I am forced now to re-evaluate my relationship with music. Before I was just emotional about it; it was really the longest relationship I had ever had with anything. But after crying about it, being frustrated and mad about it and having broken a few things, I feel like it's time to say good bye - to part of it. I still love teaching and I still love serving at Mass with music. Music once was my life and my everything, but now I'm beginning to see that it's not. And that's unfortunate, because, forget about the countless hours of preparation and practice. What really chokes me is how much my parents have invested into me. I will never be able to pay back the thousands of dollars, and I can't even come back with a parchment that shows that I made use of it. This hurts me so much. But I don't want to play anymore if it's just going to be stress. And this is what it has become for me. I really need to dig deep and refocus my view on piano, because this is toxic and I don't like it.

3. You left/Toxicity pt. 1.
Speaking of toxicity, remember always that you don't deserve to be in relationships (romantic of otherwise) that make you feel terrible. Long story short, I had a misunderstanding with you and we finally sorted it out. Those kinds of things always gave me anxiety, but I'm glad we had this talk. What is bothering me is that now you just left me behind. You're ignoring me, giving me zero eye contact, not returning my messages, etc, etc. And this was after you said - to my face - that I could rely on you if ever I needed someone. I see now that karma is quite powerful, because it's true, clinginess makes me distant. I have yet to learn how to maturely deal with people who are clingy. It's a strong character flaw, I know. I get that these things that you are doing to me now, whether or not you realize it, was probably exactly what I did to you. And that's fine, that's cool. But at least I responded when you called, even when I didn't feel like it. I helped you when you asked, even though you never thanked me. The least you could do is actually look up when I say hi. So here I am, contemplating whether or not I should just cut you off completely. Because I really don't deserve to stress out over something so irrelevant in my life.

4. I found out/Toxicity pt. 2.
I used to have incredibly strong feelings about you, to the point where I cried about you at night. And when you finally showed interest in me, I thought that I was the luckiest girl in the world. But over time, every time I saw you, I began to see parts of you unfold that I didn't understand. You didn't tell your friends about me, you were inconsistent with your affection, and I think that all you really wanted from me was someone to satisfy what you couldn't get from other girls. And that's my fault for going along with it. But here's the thing, I'm done with that because I know that I deserve better. What I did was wrong. Though I said yes then, I'm saying no now. And I came to this realization when you broke my belongings. So simple. So nit-picky of me. But if you can't treat my belongings with respect, then how do I know that you'll treat me with respect?

5. All my eggs in one basket.
I really wanted this project to work out. But it's so difficult to see all our hard work producing no results. Constant reminder to stay humble and keep trying. All in God's time.

6. "So Christmas, right?"
Have I ever mentioned how difficult it is to live with a sister - a younger sister - who has such a beautiful and strong relationship with a boy that brings out the best version of herself? I reserve the right to retract that comment until I meet him. But I don't know, I guess it's kind of a rite of passage, and being the oldest I thought that by now I would have had some kind of success and some form of long-standing, loving relationship. Mine come nowhere close to what my sister has, and there are days where I am envious and other days where I just ask God where my soulmate is. I keep asking my sister when I can meet him so that I can really see what he's like, and thank him in person for taking care of my sister and bringing a different kind of happiness into her life that is exclusive to them and different from what we as a family can give her. In the meantime, I'm still waiting.

7. Pain.
I am so thankful that I have recently begun seeing a chiropractor. The pain in my upper back has been unbearable lately, to the point where I can't sleep. But aside from pain, sleep hasn't been coming to me lately.

8. Constant reminder.
Seeing an ex-boyfriend that hurt me around campus sucks. But these deep feelings of hate that I harbour towards him is a constant reminder that I am not fully over the whole thing, thus I haven't fully forgiven him. How do you begin to forgive someone who has done unforgivable things to you? God, give me the grace to find that forgiveness. I know that the sooner I forgive him, the sooner I don't have to feel irrationally angry.

9. Lent.
Looking for that extra purpose to make Lent more meaningful this year.

10. Him.
My general like for guys always starts the same way - I can't stop thinking about him. But since I don't know where this is going to go and I don't even know if he likes me back, I'm trying my best to let things happen by themselves and focus on what is in front of me. I know that all the times I have interfered before, it has left me with disappointment. But what doesn't help is how great he is.

Thanks for bearing with me, and I promise for actual content soon.

x R

It's Good to be Friend-Zoned

Friend zone - (n/v): When two people enter into a relationship as friends, but somewhere down the line, one of them begins to develop feelings for the other. The friend-zone occurs when the object of affection politely dismisses the idea of a romantic relationship, thus creating a strictly platonic relationship and therefore "friend-zoning" the other. 

Example:  "She just wanted to just be friends, so I guess now we are in the friend zone."
"He friend-zoned me the other day, so I guess now we are just friends."
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The friend zone makes me laugh, for one reason. This reason incurs a story of a young Rachel.

Long story short, in the 7th grade I had a crush on this boy in my class. He was tall and super cute, and I saw no imperfection in him. Looking back I shake my head at everything that I did to try and get him to notice me: try to beat him at basketball (failed), try to beat him at math homework (succeeded, but he didn't really care), dropped books in front of his desk (classic), asked him questions about homework (spoiler: I actually knew the answers), and basically everything short of waving a neon light sign in front of his face saying "Hey, I like you a lot!"

Accurate. (from giphy.com)

But one day, I did something better than that. I went up to him and told him that I liked him. His response was priceless, though at the time it was mortifying:

"You're nice and everything, but I think we should just be friends."

Heartbroken for days. This guy is also the reason why I don't make the first move anymore, but oh well.

Fast-forward to the present and I know now that what I experienced back then was a classic example of being friend-zoned. Growing up I have seen this happen many times. But let's face it, there really are two outcomes when you straight up tell someone you like them:
a) They like you back, and you begin this pseudo-dating, puppy love thing before you make it exclusive and serious; or
b) They friend-zone you, and you either 1) continue being friends or 2) stop being friends and you stop liking this person.
(and of course, the ever unfortunate option c) in which the object your affection doesn't like you back at all.)

It's a fine line to walk on, but now as a somewhat mature adult, I realize now the importance of being friend-zoned. That's right, I said it. It is actually good to be friend-zoned. So flashing back to my Grade 7 days and getting friend-zoned, as awkward as that was (because it was November, super early in the school year), it taught me lessons without even knowing it. In the heat of the moment, everything is blown 100 times out of proportion and it feels like the world is about to end. But I know now that the "love" I felt was just infatuation.

Let's break down a scenario:

A 16 year old girl has had a crush on this guy in her biology class. All her friends now, and they always tease her about it when he walks by. The gods were smiling on her, and to her pleasant surprise she became his lab partner for the rest of the year. After a lot of pestering and joking and many pep talks, the 16 year old girl goes to tell her lab partner, this hunk in a lab coat, that she has liked him for a long time. Ever since Grade 8, to be precise, when he hit her in the head with a basketball. 

Hunk-in-lab coat is surprised, blinks a few times, and remembers that his mother told him that it is rude not to answer when someone is speaking to him. So he panics, and says, "Hey, you're pretty cool and nice and smart but... I'm not really looking for a relationship right now."

Cue the awkward emptiness.

"But I'd still like to be friends, if that's okay."

(End scene)

Sound familiar? The rhetoric at the end of hunk-in-lab coat's monologue can really break a relationship, or lack of. This girl just got friend-zoned, and the reality is that she'll either forget him and move on, or brush aside the hurt that comes with the friend zone and continue to subtly have feelings for him.

However, looking at the bigger picture, there is an underlying reason as to why we as teenagers fear the friend-zone. It's all infatuation. It's just a crush.

(from giphy.com)

I am willing to bet that most people want to marry someone who they are comfortable with, who loves and respects them and their family for who they are, and ultimately, someone that they actually know. If you don't truly know someone, it's hard to trust them. And if it's hard to trust them, then making big decisions together might be a challenge.

In a discussion that I had with a friend last night, the fear of the friend-zone came up. In fact, I was trying my best to console someone who just got friend-zoned. And it sparked a lot of thoughts inside of me. 9/10, these crushes we have are just what they are called : crushes. Going back to my Grade 7 dreamboat, all I liked him for was his physical features. I called him "cute" and "adorable" and other gross words like that. But did I really know him? Did I really take the time to get to know him - his likes and dislikes, what it was like for him growing up, what he wanted to be when he grew up? Did I even like him for who he was?

In retrospect, I can confidently answer "no" to all of those questions. And when he friend-zoned me, I packed up all my feelings in a feelings suitcase and threw it into the river. I took his friend-zone to be a dead end, game over, no way no how type of end. But really, it was an open door, rather than a closed door. Whether or not he was serious about becoming friends and getting to know each other better is only for him to know, but I feel that we as young ones take the friend-zone to be a point of no return and the end of a friendship, even before it can begin.

(from giphy.com)

Take the friend-zone as an opportunity. Yes, it will be difficult to swallow your pride and try to put a handle on your feelings. Yes, your friends might tease you from time to time ("remember how he friend-zoned you?"), and yes, it might be weird (and a little unsettling) to see them crush on someone else that isn't you. But remember that the purpose of a relationship, the purpose of love, is to grow with someone and help to make one another better.

You can't base a relationship off of terms of endearment and physical attributes. Get to know someone and embrace the friend-zone. That way, you can get to know someone and make more of an informed decision. You will also realize how fast you were taking things. Finally, you will also learn more about yourself and what you want in a potential partner.

At the end of the day, there is no contest to get married first. When the time is right and the person is right, you will know. This isn't to say that you need to stay at home and be a hobbit; no. Go out with people and meet new people, but be friends before you go Facebook official.

True, no one wants to be in the awkward in-between stage that is the friend-zone, but at the same time, take it as an opportunity to build character and get to know this person that you supposedly fell in love with. And if that person really is the one, no one will be in your way. The last thing you want is to be crushed by a crush, with no opportunity to become friends.

Embrace the friend-zone, my friends.

x R 

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Check out this past post related to the friend-zone here.

I recently began contributing to this awesome blog based out of Toronto called Speak Out! Thanks to all the lovely authors over there for welcoming me in with open arms. My debut piece, "Crush(ed)", is up now. Similar ideas and threads to this post!