Change Needs More Than Slacktivism

Bell Let's Talk Day. Since 2010, the campaign has committed more than $100 million to mental health initiatives across Canada. In the past 6 years, initiatives such as this and Mental Health Awareness week has definitely helped to make gains in the fight against stigma. We are more educated and more aware than ever before.

But despite the gains that we have made, let's not pat ourselves on the back just yet.

Last year on this day, I discussed how an initiative such as Let's Talk Day .very important to me. Social media is a great thing in that, when used positively, it can helped to spread awareness at the touch of a finger. The better part is the fact that with every tweet or call made on the Bell network on this day, 5 cents will be donated to various mental health initiatives. This makes it easy for anyone to get behind an incredible cost with minimal cost to themselves.

At the same time, something like this makes it easy for anyone to get behind the same cost with minimal effort.

Enter: slactivism.

(Oh no, Ryan Gosling doesn't like slacktivism. From Giphy.) 

                                   
20 years ago, before social media even existed and the Internet was a figment of our imaginations, activism took the form of sit ins, rallies, lobbying, petitioning and protests. There were people that were devoted to a cause - women's rights, environmentalism, ending youth violence - and these people made it part of their life to fight for these causes.

The advent of hashtags and sharing articles on Facebook, it has become incredibly easy to learn about something, become temporarily moved or enraged, and then move on. In the sea of social media, it is sometimes difficult to differentiate between those that actually care and those that are just jumping onto the bandwagon. Hashtags like #BlackLivesMatter during the wake of police brutalities and shootings against African Americans in the United States and #JeSuisCharlie after the horrific shootings at the Charlie Hebdo offices in France brought major world incidents to life in an instantaneous fashion. Suddenly the entire world was able to connect and humanity was able to mourn together.

But simply hashtagging a cause 'just because' doesn't really do anything substantial. Even in a case like Bell Let's Talk, I know for a fact that my Twitter timeline will be flooded with #BellLetsTalk - I myself will be tweeting any chance I get. I'm not saying that what we are doing is wrong, but we need to remember that all of these causes extend just beyond the day itself. Activism and awareness should not just be a one day thing, it should be everyday.

A similar example comes with Pink Shirt Day and the quest to eliminate bullying from schools and workplaces. The students behind Pink Shirt Day were inspired to create this initiative in response to bullying that they saw against a male student who was wearing a pink shirt. Since its beginnings in 2007, Pink Shirt Day has been supported every year to raise awareness.

(Source)

The idea is a great one, and the cause is one that is so important, especially since bullying is such a prevalent issue in our schools and workplaces. But wearing a pink shirt for a day isn't going to solve anything in the long run, and neither is tweeting the hell out of a hashtag. Because if people fall back into their old ways after all the fanfare is over, then we are back to square one with nothing achieved. And unfortunately, this kind of behaviour happens more often than we'd like to think.

I'm not saying that we should boycott these initiatives. Obviously initiatives need to start somewhere, and this is how we get the discussions going.  We need to bring this dialogue into our homes, classrooms, and office spaces. It isn't enough to have an anti-bullying day - we need to have anti-bullying everyday.

"Activism and awareness should not just be a one day thing, it should be everyday."

We need to teach our students that every child has worth and value, regardless of ethnicity, religion, gender or socioeconomic status. We need to teach empathy and acceptance of their classmates, and themselves. We need to educate our students on the important issues of the day and about the world in which they live in - a world where violence and indifference does exist. We need to inspire these students that this violence and indifference doesn't have to exist if we take a stand together. That these students could be a generation where real change can happen.

But if we just resort to our little universes and strive after #squadgoals and just tweet things just to show other people that we actually care about current affairs, then our society will just plateau and go nowhere.

This year's Bell Let's Talk Day is on Wednesday, January 27. Definitely take part in the cause, because it's a great one. But also remember what the purpose is, what the discussions are surrounding the cause, and consider doing some research or engaging in open dialogue with others on the topic if you find passion in it. And it doesn't have to be mental health or bullying - whatever you care about and find passion in, I encourage you to learn more about it, see the different sides of the argument and see what you can do to help advance the cause.

Change needs more than slacktivism. Real change comes when we all come together and engage.

Let's change the world!

x R

Seek Out Your Potential, Not Theirs

Lately I have become really disappointed in myself. Not because it's day 10 of 2016 and I fell through on my new year's resolutions. Not because I cheated on my diet (because, what diet?). And it's not because I'm feeling down on life - in fact, I'm feeling way more optimistic about it than I ever was.

I came to a realization the other day that I have been going about my relationships the wrong way. In short, I've been too busy seeking out other people's potential and seeing how they can serve me. Particularly, that of my relationships with guys. Let me explain further.

I've been single for as long as I remember, and I'm not complaining. There are a lot of great things that you can do when you're single - a lot of self-reflection, me time, hanging out with good friends and focusing on things like wellness, school, and career aspirations. But of course, having a significant other is great for other reasons - a plus one for different events you may be going to, a personal cheerleader, someone to be intimate with and someone to help you grow to be the best person you can be.

(You go, Adele. from giphy.com)

                 
So being single and seeing friends in long term, successful relationship - or just seeing relationships in my midst - makes me wish that I had someone to call my own as well. And what has made me disappointment in myself are the thoughts that I have about new people that I meet.

It happens so quickly that I don't notice it. This probably means that it has happened a lot over time, and because of it, my brain has created a shortcut once a trigger occurs. The minute I shake hands with a guy I run through a mental checklist - "great eyes", "nice smile", "funny", "firm handshake", "awesome style", "hey, he's Catholic too!" - a checklist that I have used, over and over again, to determine the 'potential' of a guy.

Namely, the potential of going the distance and potentially becoming my plus one.

OH MY GOODNESS RACHEL WHY ??????

(.... - from giphy.com)

                 
I had this realization when I shook hands with a new guy at the beginning of the semester. He was tall, dark hair and dark skin, good looking and was pursuing a degree in Economics. All the check marks were going off (and he was pretty charming too), but I was making assumptions even before we really got to know each other. And then it hit me: was I considering him as 'the one'?

This really started to mess me up, because as I met more and more guys, the feelings were the same and the criteria was flying around in my mind. And it was awful, because I couldn't stop thinking about these things and how they stacked up against other guys that I knew.

But worst of all, I was more concerned about what they could do for me, when instead, I should be focusing on what I can do for others - guys AND girls, young and old.

I kept asking what these guys could do for me. For example, I would weigh the pros and cons. Okay, so he's not as cute as (insert name here), but he is quite intelligent. And he's tall, so when we walk we'd look cute...

UGH WHY

I am single for a reason, and it is no fault of the male population. I am single not because I haven't found the right guy to achieve the highest score on Rachel's Ultimate Guy test or fulfill all the criteria on my check list. I am single because I am simply not ready. God knows that, and I'm starting to see that as well.

(You will catch all the spiders, my dear. from http://smileslovesyou.tumblr.com/post/77389479933)

Being single should be an opportunity for me to learn new things, grow in maturity and to learn independence. I should be preparing for the commitments that will come my way when the time (and the right person) comes along. We are all given these opportunities at different times, depending on our life paths and what we are capable of.

I crave for the moment when I can finally tell someone that I love them and have them reciprocate those same feelings. But each day shouldn't be driven by the quest to find 'the one'. Each day should be driven by my quest to become a better person so that I can offer my best self to someone in the near (or not so near) future. And once I find that person, our days together should be driven by challenging each other to get better and better.

Until then, I will wait patiently and keep my heart open.

Yours (well, not quite),

x R

                                          

Updates for God

Everything came together all at once.

This weekend I had the opportunity to spend time with close friends, meet new people and relax after midterms. But while I enjoyed the time that I spent with people, my mind was elsewhere: I was thinking of the best way to take a super awesome shot for my Instagram.

I say that this all comes together at once because this revelation that I had about my absenteeism in social situations came into my mind last night in a near tragic situation. Without going into too much detail, I nearly got into a car accident that had all the components of being fatal - but thankfully God was on my side and I walked away unharmed, just shaken.

On Facebook today, I read a Buzzfeed article about Essena O'Neil, an Australian Internet celebrity who recently quit many of her social media platforms after spending years building a huge Internet presence and empire. The reason why she quit was an admirable one: she saw that she was becoming consumed by this idea that she had to post "perfection" and "goal-worthy" pictures in order to be liked.

So how does this all relate?

In that split second where you have no control over the situations at hand and have no idea how it will all end, all the countless selfies, "candid" shots, #OOTD posts, aesthetic food shots... it means nothing at the end of the day.

(Stefan from SNL!! - from giphy.com)

Many people probably know that I have a large social media presence, from Facebook to Twitter, from Tumblr to this blog, from Instagram to contributing to other blogs and beyond. Lately everything that I post, especially when it comes to Instagram, has become very staged. And I too am beginning to realize, like Essena, that I am being consumed by this inner struggle of staging perfection to everyone else.

I am uploading more and more of my life to the outside world and not truly savouring the moment. I spend so much stressing out over getting the perfect shot that I forget to enjoy the company of those around me. But most of all, I am spending more time updating my life to others than I am to God.

God doesn't care about my tweets or my status updates or Instagram pics. He knows everything that I will do before I even do it, so He doesn't need any social media updates of any kind. But what He does want is to foster a deeper relationship with me - and you!

Lately, filters have taken priority over contemplation and prayer. I spend time finding the perfect picture to post, but what about spending time finding the perfect way to live in His image? While God doesn't need updates throughout the day, He does appreciate the time that we spend in silence and time spent talking to Him about our troubles, our worries, but our joys and sources of happiness as well. And these are the worthwhile "updates" that He wants to hear!

(Betty White is awesome. from giphy.com)

After the moment of impact yesterday, I realized all too abruptly that our life can be taken away from us without warning. While I probably won't be quitting all social media anytime soon, I know that I will spend even more time taking care of myself and updating God even more than I update my social media. You will still probably see more food shots for my food blog, selfies from time to time and very meticulous and thought out posts, but I know now that my focus should not be on trying to seem perfect.

On that note, never feel like your life is not interesting enough. Everyone's life is unique and wonderful, and we need to take advantage of the opportunities that we have and engage in the world around us. Because if we don't, our life will pass us by without warning.

Until next time,

x R

Bieber and His Philosophical Song

I never thought that a Justin Bieber song would get me thinking so deeply. Well played, Bieber.

If you haven't heard already, Bieber's latest song "What Do You Mean" literally calls out every single indecisive person, which is almost everyone at some point.

Though I am not a Bieber fan, I must admit that the song is not only catchy and infectious but it also draws an interesting point. What does he mean with this song? I can imagine him saying this to his current girl du jour, who is probably an indecisive person as well. 

As humans we have this amazing power to manipulate our words to the point where there is a massive disconnect between what we say and how we say it, or how we portray it. I am only starting to realize how eerily close this sounds to my mom, but I suppose there is a lot of validity to it.

The truth is, it's not just a girl thing or just a guy thing. We are all indecisive and manipulative creatures. We don't really know what we want or what we mean. When I first heard this song, I got really defensive and offended against his lyrics: "What do you mean / when you nod your head yes, but you're telling me no". I kept telling myself that I don't do that. To quote James 5:12, "Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no', 'no'". Such simple words really shouldn't be manipulated, but the more I thought about it, I began to crumple at the fact that my 'yes' wasn't truly a 'yes'.

I spent a lot of time in immature relationships where I was incredibly immature and indecisive. I craved the attention and the "love" that a boyfriend could offer me, but I also wanted space and independence. At the beginning of relationships, when everything is so young and new, all I wanted to do was to spend every waking moment with my boyfriend. As the relationship progressed I began to feel choked and craved space. But when I felt my importance in his life begin to fade, I would start to act out and start pulling these one liners that Bieber is complaining about in his song: "You want me to stay, but you're telling me to go." Looking back on my experiences now, I was pretty much a nightmare. I wanted these boys to be mine, but I wanted them to make sure that they knew that I had a life. At the same time, they couldn't have a life. And if I couldn't have them, no one could.

I SHAKE MY HEAD at my young and naive thinking. And unfortunately, this phenomenon of opposite meaning is growing and growing.

(giphy.com)

                                 

The growing use of social media and communication through screens has perpetuated bit of a problem on our hands, literally. It is so difficult to detect sarcasm or "true meanings" when you are texting, and yet so many people still choose to communicate mostly through text. I am totally guilty of this, and I don't think that my habits will ever change. But at the same time, I value the realness that face to face conversation brings us.

I began my studies in communications this year at school, and I have to say that it is quite fascinating to learn about how we communicate. The reason that oral culture, or speaking face to face, is regarded as "more real" is purely out of the fact that we can learn so much more from what the other person is saying. When you see the person, you can really hear their intonation: the way their voice goes up or down, added emphasis on certain words or phrases. You can also watch their body language, which tells us so much more than the words they say. You can see their facial expression change as the words are said and more words are heard. Obviously none of this is really possible when you are texting. You can't here the inflection in their voice or see their fists clench up or eyes draw downwards. We are constantly left guessing and interpreting texts. What do they mean? Are they joking, or are they actually serious?

This is why there is such a great need for oral culture to exist. Can you imagine if wedding vows were done via text message? The thought of it sounds absurd - but yet, it seems so possible. Certain institutions, like that of marriage, still remain as something that requires face to face communication to show emotion and sincerity. The same goes with apologies, or breaking up with someone. I guess that's why I get so upset when people apologize over a text message, or break up with someone via a Facebook message. Where is the sincerity? You just typed two words and sent them into the universe. It is so easy, almost too easy, to escape from your responsibility. I'm not saying that we shame people when they apologize in person. Apologizing in person and breaking up in person is something very, very difficult to do - I've been there both times. At the same time, I have been apologized to and broken up with over text messages, and they both hurt immensely. There is no closure or realness to it. When you do these things over text, even something as simple as "I'm sorry" or "it's over" can be left to interpretation - especially when your emotions are running high and your mind is running at a million miles a minute.

(giphy.com)

All of these seems so simple, and yet we constantly see fights happening over miscommunication and misunderstandings. We need to make sure that we know exactly what we mean before we say (or post.. or text) anything. In a world where our minds are so hyperactive and is constantly being bombarded with information, we have become almost "philosophical" in a way that constantly over think everything. 

It's going to be difficult for me to dial back my over thinking mind and relying less on text conversations, but I hope that we all wake up and find a happy medium, somehow.

So thank you Justin Bieber, for spurring these thoughts inside of me. Keep having face to face conversations - they were the original way to socialize!

PS - I promise to have a Rachel Reacts up soon!! Thanks for bearing with me!

Until next time,

x R

Silently Judging You (Coming Clean pt. 2)

Judgement: it's everywhere. And believe me, we are all doing it. You're even doing it right now while you're reading this.

According to clinical psychologist Linda Blair, on average it takes about seven seconds to judge a person after we meet them. This is even before a firm handshake. It is literally one glance, up and down, and you can make your own assumptions about the person.

Case to point - if you were to see someone dressed a little simpler with ripped and tattered clothing and an overall disheveled appearance on the Skytrain, you probably would be heading to another spot ASAP. 

I can't condemn other people for judging, because I know that I do it too. It's something that we don't think about because it just happens. Everyday we make little judgments that lead to poor assumptions and misconstrued beliefs. 

I bring up this point because it somewhat ties into my most recent post about coming clean. I came to realization that the judging that we do on a regular basis in turn makes us self-aware and self-conscious about what other people thing of us. How are other people judging me? What would they say or think if I wore this outfit, did my make up in a certain way, ate a certain amount of food or drank a certain beverage?

Coming clean, as I found, was a lot simpler in writing than in reality. Having my story out there enabled people to read what they wanted to, interpret it how they wanted to, and ask questions. Telling people was a whole other story.

To best explain, my plan was in two parts: one, to just get it out there for people to read at their leisure, but also to physically have conversations with people that I have known for a long time and who deserve to know. Not because I want sympathy of any kind (because I don't), but because I want my friends to know who I am. I want to be able to be truthful and explain the inconsistencies that they may have found in my life without any further lies or stories. I wanted them to know the truth, the whole truth, no matter how ugly it was.

By doing this, I was able to break down a judgement barrier for myself. I have gotten to a stage in life where, despite the occasional feelings of insecurity about my physical appearance, I feel good about myself, physically and emotionally. While the journey was not ideal or perfect it has taught me great things about myself. At this point, I know that my depression doesn't make me less of a person, less of a human, and less of a child of God.

Last night, I began my odyssey into coming clean, beginning with one of my closest friends. We met in kindergarten and have been friends ever since. This year will be going on 14 years of friendship, and yet we never had a evening just for us.

I always found it difficult to share my story with others, but I think it is especially difficult for friends that are so close to me. As I began to tell her the story, I prefaced it by saying that, "I didn't say anything earlier because I didn't want to lose you when I was already losing everyone else."

The story slowly tumbled out, and after my sharing was done, she told me that it gave her the courage to tell her own story, prefacing it also by saying that she didn't want to tell me because she didn't know how I would feel. She didn't know if I would judge her, and she didn't want me to be disappointed in her.

Why are we always so scared with letting our true colours show and letting people see who we really are? Our society tells us to make flawless first impressions with the people we meet. We are expected to come across as perfect in the eyes of strangers.

But the truth of the matter is, I AM NOT PERFECT. I have my moments, my flaws and my insecurities. This is true for all humans, and yet we still break each other down with judgement and negativity. 

My fear of judgement was the reason why I didn't get help sooner, and I truly feel that judgement is preventing others from speaking out and getting the help that they need.

I know I can't stop other people from judging, but I know that I can think twice before I make a generalized and uneducated comment about someone else. Everyone is facing a different and unique battle - one that we may not be able to comprehend or understand. Because of that, we need to be more sympathetic and aware of the situation of others.

And to you, all of you: remember how special and lovely you are. Be confident and take heart.

x R 

It's Good to be Friend-Zoned

Friend zone - (n/v): When two people enter into a relationship as friends, but somewhere down the line, one of them begins to develop feelings for the other. The friend-zone occurs when the object of affection politely dismisses the idea of a romantic relationship, thus creating a strictly platonic relationship and therefore "friend-zoning" the other. 

Example:  "She just wanted to just be friends, so I guess now we are in the friend zone."
"He friend-zoned me the other day, so I guess now we are just friends."
-------------

The friend zone makes me laugh, for one reason. This reason incurs a story of a young Rachel.

Long story short, in the 7th grade I had a crush on this boy in my class. He was tall and super cute, and I saw no imperfection in him. Looking back I shake my head at everything that I did to try and get him to notice me: try to beat him at basketball (failed), try to beat him at math homework (succeeded, but he didn't really care), dropped books in front of his desk (classic), asked him questions about homework (spoiler: I actually knew the answers), and basically everything short of waving a neon light sign in front of his face saying "Hey, I like you a lot!"

Accurate. (from giphy.com)

But one day, I did something better than that. I went up to him and told him that I liked him. His response was priceless, though at the time it was mortifying:

"You're nice and everything, but I think we should just be friends."

Heartbroken for days. This guy is also the reason why I don't make the first move anymore, but oh well.

Fast-forward to the present and I know now that what I experienced back then was a classic example of being friend-zoned. Growing up I have seen this happen many times. But let's face it, there really are two outcomes when you straight up tell someone you like them:
a) They like you back, and you begin this pseudo-dating, puppy love thing before you make it exclusive and serious; or
b) They friend-zone you, and you either 1) continue being friends or 2) stop being friends and you stop liking this person.
(and of course, the ever unfortunate option c) in which the object your affection doesn't like you back at all.)

It's a fine line to walk on, but now as a somewhat mature adult, I realize now the importance of being friend-zoned. That's right, I said it. It is actually good to be friend-zoned. So flashing back to my Grade 7 days and getting friend-zoned, as awkward as that was (because it was November, super early in the school year), it taught me lessons without even knowing it. In the heat of the moment, everything is blown 100 times out of proportion and it feels like the world is about to end. But I know now that the "love" I felt was just infatuation.

Let's break down a scenario:

A 16 year old girl has had a crush on this guy in her biology class. All her friends now, and they always tease her about it when he walks by. The gods were smiling on her, and to her pleasant surprise she became his lab partner for the rest of the year. After a lot of pestering and joking and many pep talks, the 16 year old girl goes to tell her lab partner, this hunk in a lab coat, that she has liked him for a long time. Ever since Grade 8, to be precise, when he hit her in the head with a basketball. 

Hunk-in-lab coat is surprised, blinks a few times, and remembers that his mother told him that it is rude not to answer when someone is speaking to him. So he panics, and says, "Hey, you're pretty cool and nice and smart but... I'm not really looking for a relationship right now."

Cue the awkward emptiness.

"But I'd still like to be friends, if that's okay."

(End scene)

Sound familiar? The rhetoric at the end of hunk-in-lab coat's monologue can really break a relationship, or lack of. This girl just got friend-zoned, and the reality is that she'll either forget him and move on, or brush aside the hurt that comes with the friend zone and continue to subtly have feelings for him.

However, looking at the bigger picture, there is an underlying reason as to why we as teenagers fear the friend-zone. It's all infatuation. It's just a crush.

(from giphy.com)

I am willing to bet that most people want to marry someone who they are comfortable with, who loves and respects them and their family for who they are, and ultimately, someone that they actually know. If you don't truly know someone, it's hard to trust them. And if it's hard to trust them, then making big decisions together might be a challenge.

In a discussion that I had with a friend last night, the fear of the friend-zone came up. In fact, I was trying my best to console someone who just got friend-zoned. And it sparked a lot of thoughts inside of me. 9/10, these crushes we have are just what they are called : crushes. Going back to my Grade 7 dreamboat, all I liked him for was his physical features. I called him "cute" and "adorable" and other gross words like that. But did I really know him? Did I really take the time to get to know him - his likes and dislikes, what it was like for him growing up, what he wanted to be when he grew up? Did I even like him for who he was?

In retrospect, I can confidently answer "no" to all of those questions. And when he friend-zoned me, I packed up all my feelings in a feelings suitcase and threw it into the river. I took his friend-zone to be a dead end, game over, no way no how type of end. But really, it was an open door, rather than a closed door. Whether or not he was serious about becoming friends and getting to know each other better is only for him to know, but I feel that we as young ones take the friend-zone to be a point of no return and the end of a friendship, even before it can begin.

(from giphy.com)

Take the friend-zone as an opportunity. Yes, it will be difficult to swallow your pride and try to put a handle on your feelings. Yes, your friends might tease you from time to time ("remember how he friend-zoned you?"), and yes, it might be weird (and a little unsettling) to see them crush on someone else that isn't you. But remember that the purpose of a relationship, the purpose of love, is to grow with someone and help to make one another better.

You can't base a relationship off of terms of endearment and physical attributes. Get to know someone and embrace the friend-zone. That way, you can get to know someone and make more of an informed decision. You will also realize how fast you were taking things. Finally, you will also learn more about yourself and what you want in a potential partner.

At the end of the day, there is no contest to get married first. When the time is right and the person is right, you will know. This isn't to say that you need to stay at home and be a hobbit; no. Go out with people and meet new people, but be friends before you go Facebook official.

True, no one wants to be in the awkward in-between stage that is the friend-zone, but at the same time, take it as an opportunity to build character and get to know this person that you supposedly fell in love with. And if that person really is the one, no one will be in your way. The last thing you want is to be crushed by a crush, with no opportunity to become friends.

Embrace the friend-zone, my friends.

x R 

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Check out this past post related to the friend-zone here.

I recently began contributing to this awesome blog based out of Toronto called Speak Out! Thanks to all the lovely authors over there for welcoming me in with open arms. My debut piece, "Crush(ed)", is up now. Similar ideas and threads to this post!

Dear (Younger) Me,

So I know I am slightly behind (2009 called, they want their idea back), but in my defense, YouTube was doing this too. They are behind, and I am behind them. So everyone is behind.

About a month ago YouTube had this explosion of Dear Me videos. I vowed that I would get around to doing something like a letter or a video, but unfortunately life got in the way. But now I am here, and I have a letter to myself. I was going to do a video but then I realized that I am not as technologically advanced as I think. The Dear Me campaign consisted of letters written by people who are now adults, looking back on their 16 year old selves and imparting on them the knowledge that they have now.

I realize that I am only 18 (going on 19, finally) and that 16 was only a mere 2 years ago. I may not have gotten that much older but I feel like I have grown wiser in some respects. Or, at least that is what I would like to claim.

But here we go.

Dear (younger) me,

Spoiler alert: Life goes down. It goes down. But then, it goes way up. Life, as I have finally figured out, works that way. There are ups and downs, nasty turns but marvelous views. There are a million and one ways to get to a certain destination, and even though you didn't see it at the time, the scenic route was definitely more rewarding than the straightforward route that is ten times faster.

The thing is, you learn so much growing up. Friends come and go, and sometimes even the bestest friends in the world have to fall apart. You don't have to do everything your friends do. It's alright that you don't feel comfortable partying or having loud nights out. You are still you, and you are still unique and important.

All the people that pushed you around at one time or another, another spoiler alert: they don't mean anything. In the future, you will find yourself talking and even reconciling with people that you never thought you would. You will push aside the brick walls that had separated you from them. There are some fights that are worth fighting, and some that you just have to let go of. You will have fights with people that, in the grand scheme of things, aren't there for you at the end of the day. So why are you upset? Why are you hurting over people that don't care for you? Move on! The people that truly do care about you are there: you have to let them in and push out the things and ones that don't matter.

And as for boys, you will meet many. I think this is the hardest part to write about to you, my dear. You know as much as I do that you fall hard for guys: the tall ones, the dark haired ones, the cute ones, the sweet talking ones. But you are so young! Why so serious? Why tie yourself down so quickly? The boys that you thought you were in love with, it's not serious. I'll say it to you again: you will move on! You will meet other guys! It's extremely difficult to move on from someone who you thought loved you, but you will. I know you will, because look where we are now. Focus on finding who you are, and what you want out of  someone, and find that one person that will respect you for being you, and not what your body can or cannot do.

Finally, guess who still hasn't figured their life out? You haven't, or I haven't. Both of us haven't. You probably aren't stressing about this part of life yet. But let your mind roam and your heart desire. There are so many opportunities in the world. Don't let others tie you down into believing that you have to go into a certain career for you to succeed. Because either way, you will. Never think that you are not good enough for this person or that position. Believe in yourself and others will believe in you.

The world has so much to offer you - all you have to do is stand up and go after what they have. Do your best always, never give up and always give 150% in everything you do. Because when you do, great things will happen.

I believe in you and I love you.

Love always,

Me

x R

Officially A Loser

OKAY (That is what my International Studies prof says all the time, in that precise manner).

One thing's for sure (and my mom can attest to this too), I hate eating lunch, or any meal for that matter, by myself. And by myself, I mean alone in public places. I feel that eating is a social thing, and though one might argue that it makes everyone eat slower because people are trying to talk instead of eat, I think most people agree that eating with friends is more fun than eating alone.

Now, I think that I do not just hate eating alone but I also fear it. There is apparently a term known as "solomangarephobia" that precisely describes my fear - the fear of eating solo.

So why do I fear eating alone?

Many times when I go out with family or friends for a meal, I enjoy the company that they provide for me. It gives me a sense of security and does not make me feel awkward while I'm eating. From time to time I glance around at the array of people in the restaurant, and 9 times out of 10, there will always be solo dinners.

I am curious as to what is going through their minds while they eat by themselves. I do not pity them per se, but I do wonder how they feel about eating alone. I almost feel awkward for them. I feel that same awkwardness when I am asked to go and eat by myself.

As I am learning in university, there is very little time to eat. Sometimes, an older and wiser friend told me, you have to go eat by yourself.

What?

Maybe this is because I am such a social being that I have this notorious fear that will not let go of me. 

This fear was also prevalent in high school too. Once everyone was able to drive out of school to eat lunch, I would come out of meeting after meeting with the threat of eating alone. The feeling was something incomprehensible, yet, it seemed so simple. I just did not want to eat by myself.

But yesterday I was forced to do that. After exploring SFU Vancouver for the first time, I was hungry for lunch. The thing was, I was in the middle of downtown with no friends. I had nothing with me but my bag and a craving for Japadog.

So I went, in search of the Japadog. And then I went, in search of a place to eat, alone.

I was petrified of this experience - sitting out in public, alone. It almost seemed like high school all over again, with office workers and tourists alike passing by and thinking that I was a loser, eating all alone. To make thing worse, a couple tourists had asked me to take their picture. Being a polite Canadian I agreed and helped them get a few shots. When it was all over, the asked me, "Dear, why are you eating lunch all by yourself?"

Officially a loser.

I had nothing to hide but the truth. "I'm down here by myself today."

The tourists nodded knowingly. One of the elderly ladies spoke. "It's good to take some time for yourself though. Get away from all the yapping mouths", she said, making a talking motion with her hands behind her husband. We laughed together and I wished them a good day.

In time afterwards, I realized that she was right. I did take that afternoon for myself.

I very rarely go to downtown, and I go even more rarely by myself. But on Friday, with the sun shining down through a perfectly cloudless and brilliant blue sky, I took in everything around me. I became invisible, like a piece of architecture. I just observed everything around me, took in the smells and the sights and looked ahead, instead of behind.

Sitting by the water, I looked at the ripples of the water. I watched seagulls fly to meet others on rocks. I looked at my reflection in the water. And as I sat and listened, I began to regain sight on a person that I had lost while I was so busy trying to conform to the social standards of society - me.

When you are by yourself, you see the world differently. In many ways, you become vulnerable. But this vulnerability allows you to look introspectively into yourself. The quietude allows you to breathe and not be choked out by the voices around you.

So maybe, in the end, I became a winner.

Here are some of the shots I took from yesterday:

And of course, to fulfill my obsession with panoramas:

So take time for yourself! Be a tourist in your own city, fulfill your cravings and sit in the quietude of yourself. Never be afraid to eat by yourself (as I will try to be now!) and spill more ink while you do.

x R

#OOTD

As many know, I graduated from Holy Cross and Our Lady of Good Counsel. I was in the Catholic school system for 13 years. Throughout those years, one thing I did not have to worry about was what to wear. Thankfully we had uniforms that kept everyone consistent and cut out the stress of wearing the latest fashions from my life. I only had to really tear my hair out when we had jeans days in high school.

But now, I am in university. I had no uniform (though my dad would joke and say that I could wear my kilt if I wanted to). There was no uniformity. You could wear whatever you wanted.

This made me excited (shopping!) but also nervous. On the second day of school (my first day off, and what used to be my first day of high school), I woke up at 8:30, rifling through my closet. I was panicking because I could not find my kilt, until I realized that I was no longer in high school anymore.

My observations as I went from class to class, from one hallway to the next, is that there is a great array of what people wear to school. The pleasant realization? There were many people dressed like myself! 

The very first day of school brought heavy, heavy rain. Unfortunately, fashion had to be sacrificed for practicality and I had to ditch all the plans and outfits that I had dreamed about wearing for my first day. Instead of skirts, I had to resort to jeans. Forget the cute tops, I was rocking a hoodie all day.

Today's weather was a lot better, but I still kept the jeans.

A few questions and realizations after these two days:

1) In a lecture hall (especially in one with nearly 200 people in it), people really cannot see what you are wearing. Especially when you are sitting down for the entire lecture and short (like me).

2) Did I really care that much about what I wore during high school?

3) Do I still care about what I wear?

4) The uniform of university is as such - jean, some kind of shirt, and a sweater of some kind. The sweater, of course, is optional, depending on the weather.

5) How long do some girls spend trying to figure out what to wear?

6) One of these days I will wear sweats or something. One of these days.

I think that I will always care, to some extent, about how I look. They say that what you wear reflects on your character and can help to lift your mood. Though I will never be like those girls that wear 2 inch heels to class, I suppose I could stand dressing up a bit from time to time.

The point is, in the end, school is a place to learn. In retrospect, I think spent a lot of sleepless nights creating and recreating outfits for high school jeans days that would impress other people. I never really dressed for myself, and I would find myself in items that I felt uncomfortable in.

Clothing, like many other things, is a form of expression. I am beginning to learn now that it should never rule your personality - it should compliment it. Let your personality shine through the words you say, the actions you do, and your smile.

So shop for things that compliment you instead of just covering you (though covering you is a good idea too)! Be confident in who you are and never underestimate the power of a simple 'hello' or friendly smile, and keep spilling ink while you do. I hope everyone's school year is starting off well!

Throwback to the times when I wore my outfit of the year - my uniform. Maybe it will make an appearance at Halloween... #throwbackthursday

x R

"The F Word"

So I know what you're thinking - "Why such a vulgar title?"

Hear me out on this one.

Recently I went to go watch the movie "The F Word", starring none other than Harry Potter himself (Daniel Radcliffe) and American actress Zoe Kazan. If you have not seen it or are planning to and have not yet found the time to, it is a charming movie that explores a topic that coincidentally I had been exploring and hoped to write a post about for nearly a month now.

Wallace (Radcliffe) and Chantry (Kazan) after their first meeting. (source)

To not give too much away, the movie follows Wallace (Radcliffe) and his "friendship" with Chantry (Kazan). Chantry has a boyfriend that, at first, does not scare Wallace because he only means to be friends with Chantry. Eventually the two of them show signs that they are falling in love with each other, and this movie touches on an interesting aspect of adolescent, young adult and quite possibly adult life: can guys and girls coexist with platonic relationships, or will there always be an underlying desire for the other?

We often hear of people dating their "best friend". Many times these best friend couples turn into engagements that turn into couples who are still madly in love with each other after 50 years. Of course, the logic here is simple: many of us would probably not last in a relationship that did not begin as a friendship. As I had learned from talking to other people for my last social experiment, "love takes time to grow in". It makes perfect sense that two people, who first start off as friends, could eventually find that they are in love with this friend. Should the affection be returned, this could be the start of a relationship.

However, we know perfectly well that just because we hang out with people of the opposite gender, that does not automatically deem us to be dating the other person. Talking to different people, the verdict is similar: guys and girls can hang out as friends. One person I talked to put it very clearly:

"It is possible for a relationship between a guy and a girl to lean anyway. They could both choose to'friend-zone' each other because their relationship is almost like a familial, brother-sister kind of love. They could both eventually fall in love with each other because they realize that what they have is more than just friendship. Not fairy tale love, but pure, selfless love. Or it could be split down the middle, where one wants to be more than just friends while the other feels that where they are is enough. It is different with every pairing, because each person is unique. Find a combination that works and you either have yourself the best friend you could ever ask for, or your future spouse."

Personally for me, I have heard my fair share of rumours go around about the people that I hang out with. I have seen that I do have a considerable amount of friends that are of the opposite gender. Obviously, some I may have an attraction for, some I may date and some I will just remain friends with. But I firmly believe that platonic relationships are possible. Things become a little confusing when selfish motives get in the way. If we root our friendships in holiness, humility and true love, then we will find the true meaning behind the relationships we forge, instead of trying to search for meaning behind smoke and mirrors.

Of course, not all of our friendships will be like Wallace's and Chantry's. Take heart, though, that God has something planned for you and someone to spend your life with. Look for true friends - ones that will help you to reach your goals and be the best person you can be and challenges you to help them as well as others. These relationships help us to learn more about the world, each other, and ultimately how God made the world to be.

And since school is starting up soon, I challenge all of you to make new friends. Keep the ones that you have, but never limit yourself. Platonic or romantic relationships aside, the first step into becoming friends is meeting people and stepping outside of yourself.

"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honour." - Romans 12:10

So enjoy the rest of the long weekend! Rest up and get ready for new adventures and new friendships. Love one another with brotherly (and sisterly!) affection and spill more ink while you do.

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Thanks to all those that I talked to for this post! What are your thoughts on guy/girl friendships? Do you think that all friendships can last, or will possible feelings get in the way? Leave your thoughts in the comments below! Thanks for reading! x

What is Love (At First Sight)?

So after nearly two and a half weeks of searching, reading and interviewing, I am happy to say that my research is complete! This is what happened:

I asked 3 males and 3 females from the ages of 13-21 to help me answer a simple question and give their two sense on why they chose the answer that they did. Before I get into what the question is, let me paint the scenario on how this came to be.

I started asking for interviewees right around the time that I heard this conversation. It was at Chapters, and I was looking for another poetry book. As I scoured the shelves trying to find this book, I heard giggling. It was loud and shrill, and though this was not a library, I could feel all eyes on these two teenage girls. With teenage girls, I have to say they were maybe 15, but of course it is so difficult to tell these days.

They each were holding a copy of John Green's The Fault in Our Stars and laughing madly. When their laughter subsided, one of them whispered, "What would it like to have a guy fall in love with you, knowing that you were the one for him? And he didn't need to look for anyone else. All he needed was to convince you that you were the one for him."

That touched me, just a little bit.

I grew up with the age of Disney princesses meeting their one true love, usually some guy with a good head of hair on a horse. They did not know it then, but by the end of the movie we all knew that Cinderella and the guy with the awesome shoulder pads were going to get married. In contrast, many chick flicks usually revolve around two people that maybe first hate each other, then eventually grow to love each other.

So which is the norm, and which is just pure fantasy?

This brings me to the simple question I wanted to ask all my interviewees:

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

I asked all my interviewees to answer with yes or no, and then to substantiate further. Of course, there is no right or wrong answer. Some were quick to answer, while some pored for hours and hours. The verdict? 81% of the people do not believe in love at first sight, and here are some of the reasons why:

"Love at first sight is basically what it is; it's what you see" (F/14)

"There is such thing as infatuation at first sight, but I can't believe that people could fall in love with someone that they barely know" (M/16)

"People are difficult to figure out - you can never tell a person entirely at just a glimpse" (M/17)

"You need to be able to feel love and grow with it. It requires patience" (F/18)

"In 0.5 seconds, you can't know a person's past, baggage or life story" (M/19)

"First impressions can be really different from reality" (F/21)

While the majority voted against the possibility of love at first sight happening at all, there were some hopefuls: the rest of the interviewees (19%) believed that it was possible to fall for someone that they just met.

"When someone catches your attention, the feeling is hard to explain. You want to go after that person because you never know when you will see them again" (M/13)

"Try to make it work. First person, first impression" (M/15)

"There have been many people in my life that have experienced it, and I am willing to believe that it could happen to me" (F/16)

"Love at first sight happens on eye contact. We would both know it right away" (F/17)

"Blame it on romantic movies" (M/20)

It was interesting to see what people had to say and how that correlated to their age and gender. Going into this, I had a bias that males would definitely be against this whole idea of love at first sight. However, 25% of the boys believed that it was possible, while just 13% of girls believed that it was possible. Generally, most of those that said 'yes' were on the younger side, though there were a few exceptions.

While I was interviewing a 13 year old girl, we had a deep conversation about books and TV shows and movies. She was all for love at first sight, determined to find that one "movie moment" where she would meet the guy of her dreams. She thought about this in silence for a bit, and then turned the tables on me. "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

Though I had this question bouncing around in my mind, I never took the time to answer it internally. I thought and thought. I told her that eventually, I would get back to her. Today, I will get back to her:

For me, I am not entirely sure. Even in the movies, the people that eventually fall in love do not love each other at first sight. As mentioned above, they probably get annoyed with each other. Examples I can use are the main characters in "Letters to Juliet" or "27 Dresses". Even Hazel Grace did not feel Augustus Waters right away, even though he knew in his heart that she was the one.

Is it possible? Maybe. There are plenty of stories out there that suggest that love at first sight is possible, and I have talked to many people whose parents, grandparents or other relatives have met "the One" and stuck with them ever since. My personal experience with what people identify as "that slow motion moment" is plenty. I have met several guys that I have crushed on and eventually became just friends with, and others that I have eventually dated and still others that have later proven that they are nothing like what I thought they would be like. And of course, there are many that I will forever have undying feelings for, like Jimmy Fallon.

So back to those girls at Chapters. While the one girl was fantasizing of how she would meet the one person she would spend the rest of her life with, her friend asked her if she believed in love at first sight. She said yes and returned the question. "I'll believe it when I see it."

And maybe, that's all you really can do.

The Bible tells us that "love is patient [and] love is kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4). 27 Dresses taught me that:

(Source)

The journey of love, and I am beginning to learn, is more than just good looks and first impressions. It is how you grow with the person and how you learn to love them in return that makes it worthwhile and exciting. You learn so much from these experiences and gain new insight. And even though you may lose your mind once or twice, what is important is how you pick yourself up and get back onto both feet.

So love the ones you are with! Love the person in front of you, behind you and beside you and enjoy the moments you make. There is only one week of summer left (boo!), so make the most of it and spill more ink while you do.

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Thank you to all who let me steal a bit of their time so that I could talk to them for this article. I am truly blessed to have gained new insight from so many different people. x