Friday, December 18, 2015

Don't Let Them Hide You

"He is the love of my life."

Or so I thought at the time. You know those people that you have "forever crushes" on? The ones that you liked a lot at one point, but then you realized how dumb it was, but you continued holding onto the feelings in hopes of a someday? 

That was my life for the past 3 years or so.

(Same. from giphy.com)
                                 
Aaron* was the first person who I felt was much more mature and different from all the other guys that I had liked previous. Maybe it was the fact that he was a little older that I had a different feeling about him. But of course, with him being older I had shut my own dreams down prematurely. I had already decided that he probably would want nothing to do with someone who was younger than him. After all, there were already girls his own age chasing after him, so there would be no contest: I wouldn't win, ever.

So I gave up, but the feelings continued. There is something about "forbidden love" and admiration from afar. I dreamed at night about the day that we would finally be together and how awesome it would be. And for a while, it seemed to go my way: he began to take notice of me and we began talking and getting to know each other. It continued until we were separated, although temporarily. But despite the age difference and the separation, we made it work and son after we began hanging out with each other; not everyday or every week, but every few months. It sucked, but I saw him. And it wasn't just one-sided: he wanted to spend time with me too.

At one point I told him that I liked him and that I wanted to pursue something more than friends. And being the rational person that he was, he said that he 1) wasn't ready to date someone yet and 2) wasn't sure if "us" would work out, being that we were at different stages of our lives. As much as that hurt, I understood and went along with it. It made me sad to think that he didn't want me at the moment, but I moved on and things worked out between us... sort of.

We would see each other every so often on a very irregular basis. With each time he saw me, Aaron would get a little more adventurous. He would always tell me that what we had - our friendship - was strictly just a friendship and nothing more. He always said that he didn't deserve someone like me and that I was too perfect/beautiful/good to date someone terrible like him. And I would tell him the opposite; that he wasn't terrible at all. In fact, he made me happy, he listened to me whenever I was down and he supported me through a lot of hard times.

But the trouble was his "adventurous" side, which entailed hand holding, cuddling and even occasional kisses. The thing was, we weren't together. He wasn't my boyfriend. Neither of us were seeing anyone and both single. But deep down, something didn't feel right.

On top of this, Aaron had very confusing mannerisms. He would want to hold hands in public, but if we walked through an area where he suspected that he would see someone he knew, he let go. If we saw his friends, he would ask me to walk away from him so that "they wouldn't ask questions". If we went to a restaurant or a store where his friends worked, he wouldn't introduce me. And when he drove me home, he would always drop me off a block away from my house just so that my parents couldn't ask him any questions.

But after all these weird things were done, he would come back to hug me, hold my hand, and lace his texts with hearts and kissing faces. Who he was in public with me was very different than who he was in private.

Despite realizing all these little nuances, I let this persist. I let him use me and I let him change his mind about different things. I would obey his command to walk ten steps behind him, get off a block away in the pouring rain, and even to kiss him. He wasn't my boyfriend and I wasn't his girlfriend, so in reality he doesn't really have that kind of power over me - and yet, in some weird way, he did.

The worst part was the fact that he would always say "I love you". After a relationship gone extremely wrong and a horrific breakup, I have always had difficulty saying that phrase. Even innocently to my friends or to my family members (whom I love so, so much), I can't bring myself to say it out loud. So hearing him say that to me, even though I know that it means nothing to him whatsoever, hurts. And I would never say it back to him. I would only smile or nod, and then he would always say "You know what I mean... it's so difficult to explain my appreciation for you, so I just say that I love you."

It wasn't until I was lying in bed the night after our most recent outing that I called bullshit. Sure, he might appreciate me and really enjoy my company, but it's not really that difficult to explain appreciation. "Thank you" is a really good place to start.

But being manipulative and using loaded phrases like "I love you" isn't a good way to do it, especially when you turn it into an empty phrase with no meaning whatsoever.

Of course, I know that this is not all Aaron's fault. The fact that I bought into this the first couple times, being the naive girl that I am, is all on me. I let this persist and I let it continue to happen, so for that, I take responsibility.
 
emotional-abuse
(whoa. from http://thoughtsonlifeandlove.com/abusive-relationships-2/\)                                      

Unfortunately, this kind of thing happens in actual relationships. If left alone and not confronted, this could lead to emotional abuse, something that is just as terrible as physical abuse. 

I know that I'm not one to say how you should be in a relationship (because let's face it, I'm still single and have been for a gazillion years!), but what I have learned from the ones I have been in and my interactions with different people is that we all have a right to feel comfortable in our own skin and be treated with respect by everyone. And especially in a relationship, you shouldn't be hidden - you should be shown off.

My mom always told me that if you're dating someone who is being very "shady" and doesn't show you off to their family and friends, then you should raise a red flag. Those that truly love you will want to tell the world about you. There is a difference between waiting for the right time and perpetually evading the topic. 

Essentially, someone that is hiding you from their life doesn't truly love you. And that is the kicker. So many times we think that this is a phase that he/she will grow out of, and because you love them you agree with them and go along with it. But what about what you think? Don't you get a say in the relationship? Why are they constantly suggesting that you don't meet their family or don't meet their friends, and why do they constantly get their way?

I had suggested one time that I meet Aaron's parents, and he quickly shut it down by saying that they were extremely busy. The same went for his brother (whom I had seen around a couple times), to which he told me that he didn't want his brother asking any questions.

I couldn't understand what he was hiding, because I was 99% positive that I wasn't his girlfriend.
(It's over. from giphy,com)


If you're not sure about a relationship, then don't make any sudden moves. Don't say misleading things and definitely don't act like that person is under your power. All the same, if you find yourself in a similar situation, you have every right to walk out. It's going to hurt to cut that person out of your life after a lot of invested time, but you have got to start some time.

I'm not saying that I am going to cut him, cold turkey, from my life. But I do know that I deserve more respect and that I should be putting more time into myself and surrounding myself around people that will not hide me.

And you should too.

Cheers,

x R 


*Name changed


Friday, December 04, 2015

Short Stories, Poetry, Artwork and More - LYRE 7

Hello wonderful people! I have an exciting announcement for you all:

Last year I was an editor and contributor for The Lyre - an undergraduate student run literary magazine that features short stories, prose, poetry, travel logs, photography and artwork from students not just from SFU but around the world. The Lyre is run by the World Literature Student Union at SFU and I had such a wonderful time working with some awesome people on creating a literary masterpiece.

While I am not working on it this year, I will most likely be submitting pieces, and I encourage you to do the same! Submissions for all kinds of writing (short stories, prose, poetry, etc) and artwork (photography and illustrations) are open for this year's magazine, themed "Identity and Language." The deadline for all submissions is January 31, 2016.

More information can be found here!







Until next time.

x R

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

It's Never a Good Time to Date

I got warm fuzzy feelings from watching them.

From where I sat, I put aside my studying to watch my friend, Stephanie*, talk to a guy - a guy that had been the subject of many previous conversations. A guy that I would always tease her about. A guy that she was meant to be with.


I can see it in her face that she is happy around him. It's the type of happiness that is very rare for her. Her dad left when she was in elementary school and her first boyfriend had cheated on her. Needless to say, she hadn't had the best experiences with guys.


I tell her this when she finally comes over to see me, 10 minutes later than our proposed meeting time. And while she apologizes, I ask er what puns the guy - Darren* - was making this time to make her laugh so loud.


This would begin our banter about him. I am happy that she is so elated to have found someone special to spend time with. I then ask her if she would want Darren to ask her out, and how she would respond to it. Stephanie mulled over the question about it, and then, to my surprise, said that she wouldn't. Not because she wanted to friend-zone him or because she didn't see herself with him, but because she wasn't sure of what the future had in store for her. Particularly:


"I don't know if someone better is going to come along. I want to make sure that this someone is perfect and special."


There seems to be a division between whether or not it is better to date around to find the perfect fit, or if we should wait for the perfect fit - if there even is one - finds you. I personally agree with Stephanie that I want to meet the right one: someone who is kind, caring, respectful and honest.


However, younger and younger girls are starting to find themselves on the "dating" scene, looking for potential boyfriends. And this is alarming, especially because when we were that age, we weren't thinking about dating at all. It was one thing to have a crush, but another thing to actually date him.


If this were the Victorian age this wouldn't be so alarming - in fact, many young girls would probably be getting ready to be married off at this point. But at the same tie, their courtship practices was really different from ours. For one thing, they actually had a built in room for dating, called a parlour. Most likely all Jane Austen, Brontë family-esque novels that you may have read probably made a reference (or five) to the parlour.
(Yup, it doesn't get any sexier than this. Credit: http://neovictorianparlour.blogspot.ca/2013/02/victorian-romance.html)
The purpose of the parlour was a place where the eligible young man would come to the house of the lady and they would sit and talk in the parlour for hours until it was dinner time, in which the young man would leave. But here's the catch - the parlour faces a ginormous window with huge curtains that are drawn back so that everyone walking about outside can see the courtship happening in action. It was like Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Victorian Age.
But obviously times have changed and the way that we date and when we date is drastically different from before. Jumping back to my friend Stephanie, she had dated one guy previous to meeting Darren. This ex had broken her trust and left her with a really uneasy feeling for relationships.It is natural, then, to want to be extra cautious of the next guy because you don't want to find yourself in "The Cheating Boyfriend: The Sequel".
So maybe, we need to have an inward look at ourselves to see if we are ready for commitment and relationship, what our motives are, and what we want from the relationship. Having a clear understanding of self and knowing what your goals are in life are good to establish before you have someone else come into the picture.
Not everyone is going to be lucky enough to date one person and marry that same person. And while some relationships may end in disaster, it's important to learn from the relationship and grow from it. Even if you decide that you are never going to talk to him again, at least make a learning opportunity out of it. Wish him well, not dead. 
At the same time, take your time with everything. We live in a world where we like to rush things and go super fast. But taking the time to really get to know someone - their likes and dislikes - and seeing how they mesh with you, your family, your friends and vice versa is really valuable, But if you don't go and take the time to meet people, then it's very difficult to see how your personalities match - or clash.
Finally, like I always tell Stephanie, take a chance on him. Stephanie and Darren have known each other for just over a year, and they hang out all the time and have met each other's families. In everyone's minds, it's all the same: Why aren't you together yet?? I can understand Stephanie's hurt and wanting to hold out for someone better. There might be someone better, but there might not be. Love and dating is a bit of a gamble in that sense, but you'll never know unless you try. You never want to settle for less and sell yourself short, but it's also good to realize when you have a good opportunity, whether it's a guy, a job offer, or an experience.
(Thank you Zac Efron. Credit: Tumblr)               
I've had my own issues with boyfriends where it wasn't the right time or we were just too immature to foster a relationship beyond hand holding and all of our friends oohing and aahing. But I feel that we should give each person a chance and see where things go. We tend to generalize, especially during our time of hurt, that all guys (or girls) are heartbreakers and that they will all be the same. I assure you that there are nice people out there. We just need to meet them.

It's never a good time to date, but if the right people are in your life and you have the right motivations, then maybe it's time to make time for that person. Learn from your mistakes and take a chance - after all, what else are you gonna do?

Cheers,
x R

PS - * Names changed
PPS - want to read more mindless banter? I've started using Medium. I kinda suck at it but it's going. Anyhow, I've started a publication on Medium called Personal Life Lessons which is basically a miniature of blog. My goal is to write on it everyday just as a brain warmer-upper (is that even a phrase?) Please check it out, and let me know if you ever want to contribute to it!! :)


Sunday, November 15, 2015

Ignorance Makes You Look Bad

Amidst all the rain we had lately, we experienced a gorgeous day today!

I honestly can't stand the rain. It's so wet and soggy and it just gets everywhere: your shoes, your clothes, your hair, your eyes.. it's so disgusting. I question those that say that rain has a romantic element to it.

But what I find even more disgusting are people that are rude, ignorant, quick to judge, and racist. I'm pretty sure I'm living in the 21st century, but the attitudes and ignorance that I have come across really makes me question our progressiveness and whether or not I am stuck a couple centuries back.

Here is another transit tale for you.

I have had the worst sleep schedule ever since school started. Added to this is my annoying back pain (which may have been worsened by my accident) that keeps me up at night. So in essence, I get really sleepy, and transit is probably one of the best places to sleep. Although I am just realizing now that it may be really unsafe to do so. But I digress.

When I got on at Scott Road, I sat next to a guy who looked to be in his mid 20s, so a few years older than me. I couldn't really tell what ethnicity he was because he was slumped against the window, sleeping. I shrugged it off and took my seat. With the slow rocking of the Skytrain I began to feel myself drifting off to sleep, which was much appreciated since I couldn't sleep the night before.

So I fell asleep.

I wasn't entirely unconscious. I was just asleep enough to feel like my batteries were recharging, but conscious enough to hear everything that was going on around me, including the looming voice that listed off every stop. I kept an ear open for my stop, because it had happened before where I had missed my stop due to my slumber.

About halfway into my journey I could hear shuffling feet come up behind me and beside me. In a language that I could somewhat pick apart, I heard a woman speak to someone else. Without opening my eyes I could already see what was probably happening in front of me: this woman was probably helping an elderly person into the seat in front of me. No big deal, so I shrugged it off again and continued on in my sleep
(Same. http://hilariousgifs.com)
But then came the interesting part.

The woman changed her language from what I realized then was Mandarin (which I can barely understand) to Cantonese (which I can understand pretty well). And what I heard (loosely translated) shocked me.

"Those ______________. So lazy. Doesn't even get up to let the elderly sit. Sleeping and being useless. So lazy."

I slowly opened my eyes to see who was speaking. There before me stood a Chinese woman and her daughter, and the elderly couple that was sitting in the seats in front of me. Next to me, I saw that the sleeping guy was now awake, and clearly seething.

At this point I should tell you that the blank refers to an ethnicity that the (ever so ignorant) Chinese woman used. I don't want to use it because hearing it made me feel super uncomfortable. But clearly, she had (sadly) mistaken me and the other guy for another ethnicity.

The guy looked at me and asked if I was the said ethnicity, and I asked him the same thing. It turned out that he was Chinese too, but he had been asked a number of times. It was a question, he said, that didn't faze him anymore.

He went on to tell me that his girlfriend was at home with his 3 year old son and infant daughter. He was working two jobs to make ends meet, and he was going to work a nighttime shift. He wouldn't be home again until Sunday afternoon. Sheepishly, I didn't any good reason to be passed out, but he laughed and said that at least I wasn't the one going around making ignorant comments.

As we approached Commercial-Broadway, he got up and walked over to the woman and said to her everything that he told me, in perfect Cantonese. He concluded by saying to her in English, "Don't judge a book by it's cover. Don't be so judgmental."

With a stunned look, she looked over at me. I got off at the next stop and didn't really have anything to say to her, so I just smiled.
(k bye!!! http://ladyclever.com/culture/marriage-equality-now-in-all-50-states-as-told-by-gifs/attachment/bye-bye-gif/)
                         

This entire situation made me cringe. As ignorant as she was, this doesn't even begin to count as a serious case of racism. But then again, should we even let it get to be so serious?

This woman made an offensive statement using a stereotype that she may have encountered or heard. It made it explicitly clear to me that she has a very narrow view of the world and is really set in her ways. But this kind of attitude is the type of attitude that can perpetuate into larger issues of hate and racism if ignored.

Every person's situation is unique and everyone is different. What may be the norm for certain groups in society may not always translate to every single member.

I can assure you that when I am awake, I am a good citizen in that when there is an elderly person on a full bus, I will give them my seat. But on an empty Skytrain? Those words weren't warranted. They are never warranted. I'm not using the empty Skytrain to justify the fact that I didn't get up, but regardless of situation, words like those that are hateful and directed against a certain ethnic group are just uncalled for. And for the record, some of these people happen to include some of the hardest workers that I know.

Yes, this is a society in which free speech is the epitome of your democracy and right. So let's be real here: you can totally say whatever the hell you want, and some people will just nod and smile. But at the end of the day, ignorance makes you look bad.

And that's all.
micdrop_09
(I love Mindy Lahiri. http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6888857/15-gifs-that-drop-the-mic-and-are-out)
                   
Until next time,

x R

Sunday, November 08, 2015

Rachel Reacts: Bacon (And Other Things)

A lot has happened since I last reacted - so let's get right into it:

1/ ... Bacon, Ham, Red Meat and the WHO
bacon sale
(giphy.com)
             
Not The Who like the band, I mean the World Health Organization (WHO, you ask?)
Aside from that terrible pun, the WHO came out with a report in late October that crushed the lives of millions and millions that love meat of all kinds, particularly that of processed nature. So any kind of bacon, deli meat, and even red meats are now said to be linked to a higher risk to having cancer. Some reports went way into the deep end by drawing the parallel that eating processed meat is just as harmful as tobacco and asbestos. Rest assured, the WHO shot down that claim. However, it is still a wake up call to the rest of us to stop eating these meats on a regular basis so as to control our future risk of cancer.
But here's the thing: when my Facebook and Twitter lit up that night with bacon filled posts, a part of me was not convinced at all. Yes, the WHO has extensive research to conclude that processed meats are now classified as a carcinogen (group 1). But previous research has said similar things, albeit not to the extent that processed meat could cause cancer. We already know that high and regular consumption of processed meat can lead to conditions like obesity and heart disease, which is why you don't eat bacon every day. But if you really can't help it, then exercise and balance it out with a lot of fruits and vegetables. This will only remain an issue if you let it. So get up and exercise, and try something new, like chicken.

2/ ... Essena O'Neill

(http://www.manrepeller.com/minor_cogitations/essena-oneill-quit-social-media.html)
My most recent blog post was inspired by Essena! Just a quick recap: This 18 year old girl from Australia had built for herself a massive internet empire with large followings on Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr and Snapchat. She had gotten so famous that she began to receive sponsorship from various companies to pose with their products. But recently she revealed that all of this fame and having what many of her followers dubbed as "the perfect life" did not make her happy - in fact, it was quite the opposite. Because of this, she "quit" social media cold turkey (a carcinogen?) - She deleted her Tumblr account and discontinued posting videos, as well as deleting over 2000 pictures from her Instagram feed and changed the captions of many to reflect the true meaning behind the "perfect" snap. She says that despite being looked up to and being worshiped by thousands of girls, she knew that this was all a facade and incredibly misleading. I applaud Essena's bravery and wish for authenticity. So many times do we find ourselves trying to project a certain image of ourselves onto social media, just so that we can come across as happy. But our true happiness is not determined by a number of followers or likes. Being content - truly content - requires humility and respect for ourselves. We should be incredibly thankful with what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't have.

3/ ... Gender balanced Cabinet
justin trudeau shrug
("Because it's 2015" will probably go down in history. - http://www.themarysue.com/justin-trudeau-cabinet/)
 After being sworn in on November 4th, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau revealed his new Cabinet. His cabinet has been dubbed "gender balanced", "progressive" and "accepting" of various minorities. A quick breakdown of the cabinet includes 15 women out of the 31 cabinet members, 2 Indigenous ministers, 3 ministers with disabilities, a mix of rookie and veteran ministers, and regional representation across the board. This is definitely a step in the positive direction for diversity, inclusion and equality for all, especially in the area of government decision making. I think that it's great that we have such a diverse cabinet (with an equal proportion of women to men!) as well as many ministers that have different backgrounds outside of politics. It will be interesting to see where this takes our country in the future. And his reaction when asked why he aimed for such diversity in his cabinet? Classic.

That's all for now! Stay rad :)

Until next time,

x R

Monday, November 02, 2015

Updates for God

Everything came together all at once.

This weekend I had the opportunity to spend time with close friends, meet new people and relax after midterms. But while I enjoyed the time that I spent with people, my mind was elsewhere: I was thinking of the best way to take a super awesome shot for my Instagram.

I say that this all comes together at once because this revelation that I had about my absenteeism in social situations came into my mind last night in a near tragic situation. Without going into too much detail, I nearly got into a car accident that had all the components of being fatal - but thankfully God was on my side and I walked away unharmed, just shaken.

On Facebook today, I read a Buzzfeed article about Essena O'Neil, an Australian Internet celebrity who recently quit many of her social media platforms after spending years building a huge Internet presence and empire. The reason why she quit was an admirable one: she saw that she was becoming consumed by this idea that she had to post "perfection" and "goal-worthy" pictures in order to be liked.

So how does this all relate?

In that split second where you have no control over the situations at hand and have no idea how it will all end, all the countless selfies, "candid" shots, #OOTD posts, aesthetic food shots... it means nothing at the end of the day.

selfie animated GIF
(Stefan from SNL!! - from giphy.com)
Many people probably know that I have a large social media presence, from Facebook to Twitter, from Tumblr to this blog, from Instagram to contributing to other blogs and beyond. Lately everything that I post, especially when it comes to Instagram, has become very staged. And I too am beginning to realize, like Essena, that I am being consumed by this inner struggle of staging perfection to everyone else.

I am uploading more and more of my life to the outside world and not truly savouring the moment. I spend so much stressing out over getting the perfect shot that I forget to enjoy the company of those around me. But most of all, I am spending more time updating my life to others than I am to God.

God doesn't care about my tweets or my status updates or Instagram pics. He knows everything that I will do before I even do it, so He doesn't need any social media updates of any kind. But what He does want is to foster a deeper relationship with me - and you!

Lately, filters have taken priority over contemplation and prayer. I spend time finding the perfect picture to post, but what about spending time finding the perfect way to live in His image? While God doesn't need updates throughout the day, He does appreciate the time that we spend in silence and time spent talking to Him about our troubles, our worries, but our joys and sources of happiness as well. And these are the worthwhile "updates" that He wants to hear!
Twitter Facebook animated GIF
(Betty White is awesome. from giphy.com)
After the moment of impact yesterday, I realized all too abruptly that our life can be taken away from us without warning. While I probably won't be quitting all social media anytime soon, I know that I will spend even more time taking care of myself and updating God even more than I update my social media. You will still probably see more food shots for my food blog, selfies from time to time and very meticulous and thought out posts, but I know now that my focus should not be on trying to seem perfect.

On that note, never feel like your life is not interesting enough. Everyone's life is unique and wonderful, and we need to take advantage of the opportunities that we have and engage in the world around us. Because if we don't, our life will pass us by without warning.

Until next time,

x R

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

"Love is Not Disposable"

Lately I have been taking transit a whole lot because of school, but sometimes I bring it upon myself because I want to go downtown and I am probably going to die driving down there myself. But while transit is sometimes incredibly annoying, one of the more interesting parts of it is people-watching and listening. I can hear my mom saying "you mean eavesdropping?" as she reads this, but let me be clear: as long as you don't react, you're fine. Just take it all in like a sponge but keep your face neutral, regardless of how you feel.

But let's be really honest: sometimes people are not discreet about their dealings and wheelings on transit. Case to point: my transit ride back into Surrey on Monday.

As I stepped onto the Skytrain on Monday afternoon I could already sense something different. But nothing looked out of the ordinary so I just shrugged it off and took a seat. And that was when I realized what was wrong.

From where I was sitting I was facing a young couple who didn't look very couple-y anymore. In fact, I think they were breaking up. I say that because I saw tears and a guy and a girl looking out at opposite sides. They had their backs turned and no words were said. The train began to move.

The whirring of the train picking up momentum must have given the guy the courage to say something, but being that I didn't want to overly eavesdrop or seem too interested I couldn't hear what he said to her. Clearly whatever he did say really made her upset, because she whirled around and said incredibly loudly, "I was your girlfriend. We were in love and you went behind my back. Our love isn't disposable."

And then silence for the rest of the ride until I made it to Columbia. The couple (ex-couple?) stayed on, so I have no idea what happened to them. Hopefully they were able to work something out.

I can only speculate that they were once a couple and then he unfortunately did something that she probably constitutes as cheating.

That's it. That's all I got.

The power in those 4 words hit me. At first I thought, obviously! You don't just throw love away! You work through your problems. You talk it out with your significant other. You have to try your best to work through and push through.

The End Black And White animated GIF
(giphy.com)
                            
Though I haven't been in a relationship for a while, I can somewhat remember the feelings as you go through it.

At the beginning everything is new and exciting and you want to do everything together. Separation sucks, even if it's just for a couple hours. I believe wiser adults have called it the "honeymoon phase".

But it's what comes after that that truly counts. Sure, the first month and a bit will probably be the most fun that you ever have with this person. But once you get to that point where it seems like there is no more fun left to be had, then what do you do? You begin to look commitment in the face: is this really something that you want? Do you really see yourself with this person? Do you really love this person?

Hell, do you even know this person?

It seems like a dumb question to ask, considering that you spent the past month and a half texting them every day, every waking hour of the day, pulling an The Fault in our Stars-esque telephone scene and going out on as many dates as possible.
art animated GIF
(giphy.com)

After the honeymoon phase, the blinders come off and you are face to face with this person that you are dating. You begin to see the flaws that he or she may have, little quirks that you didn't know were there before and some things even begin to bother you. For example, it was only after the honeymoon phase that I realized that the guy that I was with said "like" way more than I did. So, like, it would, like, totally, like, interject into, like, his, like, sentences like this. It became so distracting, and the more that I heard it, the more I began to resent it and him.

Now this is where my problem, and I'm sure many other people's, problems begin. At this point, the classic break up line of "you changed" can always be pulled out. I know because it was once used against me. But the thing is that in a relationship, both people change after the honeymoon phase, not just one. We don't think of ourselves as changing because we think we know ourselves really well. But it isn't until we are on the outside looking at ourselves that we realize that we did indeed change.

My problem growing up was that I couldn't accept this change. The dynamics in the relationship suddenly shifted and it was almost as if I was dating someone completely different. For all I know, my boyfriend(s) at the time probably felt the same way about me. So what did I do? Instead of facing the commitment and moving forward with a guy, I ran in the opposite direction. My love became disposable.

And this was how it went for me for most of my high school life. I stayed with a guy until I started to feel a slight change, and then that was it, sayonara my friend.

In retrospect, I realize now that I gave up some pretty incredible guys that were willingly ready to put up with me. And I gave them up because of some really minor things.

If we threw away all of our hobbies because they suddenly changed and got too hard, none of us would be good at anything - we would just be mediocre at a lot of things.

In the same way, our relationships will reach difficult points. I'm learning now that it's not always a bed of roses and that thorns exist. But running from our problems and not being serious about our relationships turns love into something that can be disposable and not valued. Similarly, we won't have life giving relationships, just a lot of mediocrity and what-if's.

I'm not saying that dating other people is wrong. It's the only way that you will truly see if that person is a fit for you. But if you are starting to see potential in this person, take time in developing a relationship where you both learn  about each other and from each other. Having a solid foundation that is built on trust, respect and knowledge will help you to withstand the test of time. You will bring truth to your relationship and be a guiding light for others.

33nkjicdczl Romantic animated GIF
(One of my favourite movies!! - giphy.com)
 In closing, the four words that the girl said above to her boyfriend hit home for me, in part because of everything that I just listed but also because it was used, in an opposite meaning, against me. I was with a guy who, when he broke up with me, said to me that,
Image result for quotation marks        I don't think I can date you because you changed. I wanna throw this love away because of that change. I wanna to start over with someone new.                              - the ex
Yeah, okay. And yes, he too was the one that said to me "you changed".

Not only does this sound like a poorly written, teenage angst filled breakup ballad, but the truth is this guy, held a mirror up to me and showed me exactly everything that I had done up until that point. So in many ways, I guess I deserved it.

So thanks for breaking up with me and showing me what love shouldn't be.

Love shouldn't be disposable.

Until next time,

x R

                     

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Rachel Reacts: Family Reunions (And Other Things)

Hey everyone! It's been a while since I've done this tag, in part because of midterms taking over my life and focus. But I'm back, and I hope to do this more often instead of weeks and weeks in between, so let's role:

1/ ... Family Reunions

Yup, we're cool.
I love family reunions, especially because most of my family is over in Hong Kong and Singapore. It's not every day that I get to connect with my extended family unless it is over phone, text, Facebook or Skype. So the time I get to spend with them is super valuable, and luckily we were able to have a massive family reunion this past summer in Vancouver and Whistler. 
But what if there was a law banning you from seeing your family? This is what is happening in the Koreas, which are technically - and I did not know this - still at war., due to the fact that the Korean War ended on an armistice and not a Peace Agreement. Last week, many families from South Korea traveled to North Korea to have a visit with family members who were living there. After the Korean war, people that lived in North Korea were forbidden to leave to South Korea and also have no contact with their loved ones. These reunions have been happening on and off since 1988, depending on the relations between the two countries. The last one happened in February 2014.
And how are the families selected? As it turns out, South Koreans have to enter into a lottery to be selected, taking into consideration health and age, while North Koreans are selected on their loyalty to the government. Many of these people have not seen their family in decades, and they bring with them gifts such as money, toiletries, clothing and food. Reading about this made me incredibly sad at how families could be divided like this because of war and turmoil. Some will never get the opportunity to see their families again, and those reunited cannot bring loved ones back with them. In our society we take family for granted, but seeing what these Koreans go through, we have nothing to complain about. 

2/ ... Trudeau and #elxn42
(source)
                     
This React piece would not be complete without taking about our new Prime Minister to be, Justin Trudeau. I am not surprised by this outcome at all, and frankly I would have been even more surprised if Harper was re-elected. But this shows how great the youth vote was able to swing the results. The number of people voting in this election rose significantly, with many once Conservative ridings becoming Liberal. Indeed, the "red wave" swept into Western Canada from the Atlantic. But a couple things stood out to me. One is the significance at the fact that the Atlantic Canada results were released so early, as in, way before the polls were even closed to closing in BC. I don't know if that had any impact on the voting out here. It could be that if the results were held until our polls closed that even more people would have come out to vote. Just a thought.
But in terms of Trudeau, I am interested to see if he will hold up his end of the promises on issues such as the fight against ISIS and pulling out Canadian troops, taxing the wealthier members of society, the pipeline, and investing in much needed infrastructure. And of course, the flip side, is how he and his government will be able to pay off the deficit that he is planning to run from the beginning.
Other than that, he does have great hair and, he spent the morning after the election greeting people in a Montreal subway station!

3/ ... Hate Crime
hate crime animated GIF
(giphy,com)
                         
This past Thursday Sweden faced a tragedy that can only be described as a violent act against a certain race. A 21 year old walked through a school and violently stabbed those who he identified as having dark skin. He killed a teacher and a student and injured several others before being shot by police. This school in particular is known for having foreign born students. This happens in the light of an explosion immigrants coming into Europe to escape war torn areas in the Middle East. 
The scary thing is that racism and hate crimes are not just happening in other parts of the world, but here in Canada as well. In my education class we spent some time discussing Aboriginal culture and education, and I was surprised to find that there is still a major prejudice against Aboriginal students in our school systems, not just between students but also from teachers. It's sad that we still shame other groups that are not like us and that violence ensues because of difference. This doesn't bring us forward; it only pushes us back.

4/ ... Vice President Biden
joe biden animated GIF
(giphy.com)
On Wednesday Vice President Joe Biden announced that he will not be running as a Democratic candidate in the American election slated to happen one year from now, citing his son's death as one of the key reasons. This comes after an extra podium was set up for him during the Democratic candidates debate, in case he decided to run as well. I always liked Biden and how happy he always is. He's been in American politics for a very long time, so I feel that it probably is for the best that he doesn't run just because of age. He is, after all, 72 years old. But then again, front runner and former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton is 67 years old and other front runner Bernie Sanders is 74. I guess if you really want something bad enough, you can go after it at any age. Does this mark the end of VP Biden's time in politics? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

5/ ... Midterms
Cheezburger animated GIF
(giphy.com)
No comment. Just kidding.
All I have to say is that midterms come at the blink of an eye. You think you're just getting started and just getting settled in and all of a sudden week 7 shows up and you are studying into the early morning and drinking a lot of coffee. It's a fun time. So for anyone who is going into university in the coming years or is still unsure of how this process works, be on guard at all times. Time is just an illusion, and we really don't have that much time. And the same goes for assignments and final exams: you think that after you do your midterm you have a lot of time to finish your paper and study for your midterm. But judging by how quickly the first half of the semester goes, the same will happen here. 
I know this because I made that mistake - learn from my shortcomings! Manage your time well!

That's all from me! Hope to do this more often than not. Also, I've done a lot of work with my site so please check that out, and if you're always hungry like I am, I would be super grateful if you check out my food blog! It's slowed down a bit because of school, but I hope to keep it up as much as possible.

Until next time,

x R

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Bieber and His Philosophical Song

I never thought that a Justin Bieber song would get me thinking so deeply. Well played, Bieber.

If you haven't heard already, Bieber's latest song "What Do You Mean" literally calls out every single indecisive person, which is almost everyone at some point.

Though I am not a Bieber fan, I must admit that the song is not only catchy and infectious but it also draws an interesting point. What does he mean with this song? I can imagine him saying this to his current girl du jour, who is probably an indecisive person as well. 

As humans we have this amazing power to manipulate our words to the point where there is a massive disconnect between what we say and how we say it, or how we portray it. I am only starting to realize how eerily close this sounds to my mom, but I suppose there is a lot of validity to it.

The truth is, it's not just a girl thing or just a guy thing. We are all indecisive and manipulative creatures. We don't really know what we want or what we mean. When I first heard this song, I got really defensive and offended against his lyrics: "What do you mean / when you nod your head yes, but you're telling me no". I kept telling myself that I don't do that. To quote James 5:12, "Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no', 'no'". Such simple words really shouldn't be manipulated, but the more I thought about it, I began to crumple at the fact that my 'yes' wasn't truly a 'yes'.

I spent a lot of time in immature relationships where I was incredibly immature and indecisive. I craved the attention and the "love" that a boyfriend could offer me, but I also wanted space and independence. At the beginning of relationships, when everything is so young and new, all I wanted to do was to spend every waking moment with my boyfriend. As the relationship progressed I began to feel choked and craved space. But when I felt my importance in his life begin to fade, I would start to act out and start pulling these one liners that Bieber is complaining about in his song: "You want me to stay, but you're telling me to go." Looking back on my experiences now, I was pretty much a nightmare. I wanted these boys to be mine, but I wanted them to make sure that they knew that I had a life. At the same time, they couldn't have a life. And if I couldn't have them, no one could.

I SHAKE MY HEAD at my young and naive thinking. And unfortunately, this phenomenon of opposite meaning is growing and growing.

music video animated GIF
(giphy.com)
                                 
The growing use of social media and communication through screens has perpetuated bit of a problem on our hands, literally. It is so difficult to detect sarcasm or "true meanings" when you are texting, and yet so many people still choose to communicate mostly through text. I am totally guilty of this, and I don't think that my habits will ever change. But at the same time, I value the realness that face to face conversation brings us.

I began my studies in communications this year at school, and I have to say that it is quite fascinating to learn about how we communicate. The reason that oral culture, or speaking face to face, is regarded as "more real" is purely out of the fact that we can learn so much more from what the other person is saying. When you see the person, you can really hear their intonation: the way their voice goes up or down, added emphasis on certain words or phrases. You can also watch their body language, which tells us so much more than the words they say. You can see their facial expression change as the words are said and more words are heard. Obviously none of this is really possible when you are texting. You can't here the inflection in their voice or see their fists clench up or eyes draw downwards. We are constantly left guessing and interpreting texts. What do they mean? Are they joking, or are they actually serious?

This is why there is such a great need for oral culture to exist. Can you imagine if wedding vows were done via text message? The thought of it sounds absurd - but yet, it seems so possible. Certain institutions, like that of marriage, still remain as something that requires face to face communication to show emotion and sincerity. The same goes with apologies, or breaking up with someone. I guess that's why I get so upset when people apologize over a text message, or break up with someone via a Facebook message. Where is the sincerity? You just typed two words and sent them into the universe. It is so easy, almost too easy, to escape from your responsibility. I'm not saying that we shame people when they apologize in person. Apologizing in person and breaking up in person is something very, very difficult to do - I've been there both times. At the same time, I have been apologized to and broken up with over text messages, and they both hurt immensely. There is no closure or realness to it. When you do these things over text, even something as simple as "I'm sorry" or "it's over" can be left to interpretation - especially when your emotions are running high and your mind is running at a million miles a minute.

break up animated GIF
(giphy.com)
All of these seems so simple, and yet we constantly see fights happening over miscommunication and misunderstandings. We need to make sure that we know exactly what we mean before we say (or post.. or text) anything. In a world where our minds are so hyperactive and is constantly being bombarded with information, we have become almost "philosophical" in a way that constantly over think everything. 

It's going to be difficult for me to dial back my over thinking mind and relying less on text conversations, but I hope that we all wake up and find a happy medium, somehow.

So thank you Justin Bieber, for spurring these thoughts inside of me. Keep having face to face conversations - they were the original way to socialize!

PS - I promise to have a Rachel Reacts up soon!! Thanks for bearing with me!

Until next time,
x R

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Rachel Reacts: Body Shaming (And Other Things)

Hey everyone, sorry for the hiatus! School is now back in session and it's been really weird, getting back into the flow of going to school and studying after I had been off for over 4 months. While I know that my time will be taken up by school, music, work and other activities, I wanted to make sure that I continually write, whether it be contributing to various blogs, writing poetry and of course, writing here! I also wanted to make it a habit of keeping up with current events and what is going on around me, which is why I am starting this new "section" or "tag" entitled "Rachel Reacts". This is basically me continually writing while keeping up with what is happening around me, even if that means keeping up with the Kardashians (but I promise I won't bore you with that stuff!)

I aim to be doing this every other week as consistently and humanly possible. Each time I will go over 5 things that I have read, watched, or stumbled across. For the most part, it is really  opinions on current events, popular culture and life in general, but I will try and throw some fun in there as well.

Without further ado, I present to you the first installment of Rachel Reacts to...

1/ ... Body Shaming

Mic animated GIF
(from giphy.com)
 My initial thought to this? It sucks. The whole concept sucks and should cease to exist. We unfortunately live in a society where our looks dictate the kind of success that we will attain in life. Why should our size matter? Why should our skin colour matter? Why do people care how I dress, what size jeans I wear, or whether or not my eyebrows are on point? Are we as humans really this shallow? I bring this up because I, like many, have watched Canadian comedian Nicole Arbour's video "Dear Fat People". In it, she explicitly calls out fat people for being the way that they are, and that they are bigger in size because of laziness. It was extremely uncomfortable to watch, but I guess in some ways it was like a car accident, you can't stop watching it. And the worst part? When confronted about the video, she calls YouTube out on "censoring" her and plays it off like the entire thing is a satire. Hate is not the same thing as satire, my dear. We can't judge people based on physical appearance. Whether you are fat, skinny, tall or short, love yourself. Your confidence is your most beautiful asset, and you are so, so loved.

Note: the video has explicit language. 


2/  ... Election 42

(forums.canadiancontent.net)
I am a 19 year old Canadian citizen. I am allowed to vote in the upcoming federal election. But this three way race between Harper, Trudeau and Mulcair (and let's not forget Green Party Leader Elizabeth May) has left me more confused than ever. Admittedly, I have no idea who to vote for. My understanding on the issues is, in a word, limited. I have conflicting thoughts and voices in my head with flying words like "deficit" and "taxes" and "free tuition" (wait, free tuition?) and "he's just not ready." I'll tell you who else is not ready: me. I guess we'll see where this goes and who I'll be voting for next month.

3/ ... The Ongoing SFU vs. UBC Competition

(forum.canucks.com)
I am proud to be an SFU student. I also have many reasons as to why I chose to go to SFU to pursue my post secondary education over other post secondary institutions like UBC. But I really can't wrap my head around the ever present misconception that UBC is better than SFU. I have high respect for people that go there and for people that have graduated from UBC - it is a great school, no doubt, ranking at number 40 on the 2015 Academic Ranking of World Universities . In terms of strictly Canadian universities, UBC comes in at second place just after the University of Toronto. SFU comes in at number 10. But at the end of the day, do these rankings and numbers really matter? I think that we should all focus on what is ahead of us - that is, work hard at your degree, regardless of where you are studying. In the end, all the doctors have goals to help the same patients. The engineers will be working on our city structures. The journalists will be reporting on the same issues. Work hard and succeed; don't let rankings and expectations bog you down. As long as you do your best, you will find your niche, succeed and get your degree.

4/ ... "I'm Fine"

im fine animated GIF
(giphy.com)
Are you? Are you really? The simple phrase of "I'm fine" has become a cultural phenomenon that literally has begun to mean the opposite of what it is. It is probably the most common little white lie that people use, sometimes subconsciously, on a daily basis. I know that as a girl, I am totally guilty of saying that even though I am not. I guess in some respects, we say "I'm fine" because we are seeking attention. We want people to pry into our lives and figure out what is wrong, all while keeping ourselves guarded and not letting anyone else in. I realize now the frustrations that this can bring about. I am currently dealing with someone who used that against me last week - saying that they are fine and all - but it is so obvious that they aren't. The one thing that my two classes of communications has taught me that our non-verbal communication is so much greater than our verbal, making the phrase "I'm fine" total BS if we can't portray that in our body language. I get it though, sometimes we just don't want to talk. But I hope my friend knows that I'm available to talk and offer support. And if I offended him, that I'm sorry. And if he is having a bad day, then I hope that things get better.

5/ ... Pumpkin Spice Lattes
pumpkin spice latte animated GIF
(giphy.com)
YES. It's Pumpkin Spice Latte season!! And I have no shame in admitting that I love them. I guess it's because I love cinnamon and allspice and all those lovely fall spices. My love for pumpkin pie actually came from this drink, no joke. You can get it hot or in frappe form... and the best part? You can even get it iced! Now, do yourself a favour and get yourself one...and click the link on the title!

That's all from me! I'll try my hardest to make this a bi-weekly thing and continue to write, but until then, I'll be enjoying Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

Love yourself and be kind!

x R


Monday, August 31, 2015

Self-Conscious, Superficial and Insecure

Just to recap, the Lower Mainland was hit with a massive wind and rain storm that left many people without power for the whole weekend. My family was included in that power outage. But, to add to our misadventures, we couldn't get back into our house, leaving us to stay with my godmother for the night.

Obviously, the situation is not ideal. We were caught off guard, with only the clothes on our backs and the money in our wallets. Thankfully, everything resolved itself and we were all safe. I am so thankful that my godmother had let us stay with her overnight and that we had friends to help us get back into our home so that we didn't have to wander around town another night.

But I came to a revelation, a small but sad one.

I didn't know that blustery wind and the torrential downpour would result in a whirlwind weekend excursion when I woke up on Saturday morning. As we went through the day, everything was going fine until I got ready to go to sleep that night.

I realized that I had no make up to wear the next day.

animated animated GIF
(from giphy.com)
And yes, you have my permission to scoff at my superficiality and non-existent fears. But hear me out.

I woke up the next morning with red splotches, acne scars and barely there eye brows. I was so used to relying on a little moisturizer, foundation and an eyebrow pencil to wake up my face. Unfortunately for me, my morning routine was cut short as I brushed my teeth and hair.

So I walked through my day - church, lunch, walk with my godmother and the mall - and felt self conscious about everything. My eyebrows were invisible. My acne scars were larger than they were. The redness was not going away. My skin looks dry and I look incredibly tired.

But after my fifth bout of feeling sorry for myself and looking at myself in the mirror, I began to realize how incredibly superficial I was being.

My personality and who I am is not defined by how flawless my face looks. I define myself through what I say and how I act. I should be proud and confident in myself, make up or not.

And I suppose this is where my insecurity lies. I still am dependent on make up to make me feel better about myself. This is not to say that I am hating on make up or not wearing it ever again - you have no idea how happy I was to have it available to me this morning. But on the flip side, make up should be a nice to have and a way to enhance my natural features, not my lifeline. 

Beautiful Makeup animated GIF
(AMIRIGHT?! - from giphy.com)
Being so exposed to social media and pop culture on a daily basis, it is easy to be persuaded that you are not good enough or that you need to be like the models in magazines or on TV to feel good about myself. It is easy to complain about our "flaw-ful" features and compare it to that of the unattainable and somewhat impossible standards that the media has bombarded us with.

Adding to my shame, I remember a video that I saw on Facebook about a Youtuber who runs a make up channel, My Pale Skin. There was a video that was titled something shocking - "You Look Disgusting" - and it tugged at my heartstrings and my attention.

The video came about when this girl named Em began posting no make up pictures of herself to her social media. This resulted in mean comments directed at her, along the lines of "you look disgusting", "you are so ugly", and other nasty stuff like that. But even when she does her make up - and she looks beautiful regardless - the comments (which are pulled from her social media) continue to take a disrespectful turn.

How superficial are we as a society? How demanding and self-centered are we? The standards that we have come to swear by are impossible, and we not only hold each other to such standards but ourselves as well. It has become a never ending race to becoming the perfect human being.

But here's the thing - we may not be perfect, and perhaps never will be. At the same time, though, we are perfect in our own ways.

This is a struggle for me to live with everyday, because I am my own worst critic. I tell myself that I need to lose weight, tone my arms, and learn how to apply makeup better. But all of this self-deprecation becomes tiring and worse, is unhealthy for me. And it's unhealthy for you too!

Being healthy, living and breathing should be the things in life that we are grateful for. If we are not truly happy about that, is there anything in life that we can truly be happy about?

Keep using makeup and making yourself look pretty, but remind yourself that it's not the be all or end all. And as cliched as this sounds, you are amazing, just the way you are.

Thanks, Bruno Mars.

Here is the video from My Pale Skin - while it is difficult to watch, it definitely is a must see:


x R

Thursday, August 27, 2015

How One Guy Changed My World

"Don't let love change you, let it help you to grow and change from the growth." 

I heard that somewhere before, and it always resonated with me. Now for the life of me, I can't remember where I got it from. However, I never really understood it until I met one boy that changed me - literally.

I grew up with a bit of an inferiority complex, that most likely came about from childhood bullying. This inferiority complex left me anxious, confused, and always seeking approval. At the same time, I always wanted attention. Because of this "approval seeking", in essence I was always changing myself so that I could blend in. I could be part of the "in crowd" and be what everyone else wanted me to be.

This led me through a maze of phases: label conscious, angry rebel goth, someone who didn't have a care in the world and someone who didn't give a damn about the world. I was changing, but I wasn't growing. This all culminated in disrespect for myself.

Enter Daniel*.

At 17 my life was split down the middle. I was stuck between being comfortable in my own skin and craving attention and change. I was angry, but I didn't know why. But all this changed when Daniel stepped into my life.

I met Daniel in the summer time, and yes, I give you full permission to roll your eyes at this "summer fling", because quite simply, that is what Daniel and I had. But of course, at 17 you don't think about those things. You see beyond the imperfections and the impracticalities. 

I thought that Daniel was perfect, and I thought that he and I were invincible.

Just two weeks into our relationship we already planned out how our senior year was going to work since we didn't go to the same school. He would get his license first and come to see me, and once I got mine, we could go to all the places we wanted to go to, splitting the drives.

Daniel, at first, made me feel special. All this inferiority complex stuff? It didn't exist when I was with him. He put me first, he took care of me, and best of all, he told me every night that he loved me. 

At least, I thought he did.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I see now that I was left with a false sense of security when I was around him. Thinking that my inferiority complex was gone was actually false - it was actually worse than it ever was.

Daniel changed me, beginning with my friends. As our relationship began to progress, our activities went from large groups to small groups, and from small groups to even smaller groups, to the point where we were alone most of the time. And being alone wasn't really the issue - in fact, I enjoyed the privacy from time to time. But the fact that he wanted to be alone with me - and only me - at all times was suffocating at times. When I wanted to hang out with other people, he would question my fidelity. If I was tired, he would ask whether or not I really loved him.

So I followed, and the inferiority complex followed close behind. I wanted his approval. I had his "love", and I wanted his approval even more.

But what I failed to see was his double standard - when he wanted to do something with his friends and I complained, he called me whiny, When he was tired and I asked, he called me needy.

Even with these inconsistencies, I listened and followed. And this continued even as his character changed further, to the point where I made a 180 turn. I changed and changed until Daniel showed his ugly side.


james animated GIF
(giphy.com)
         
Daniel loved to drink and party. Drinking led to getting drunk, and getting drunk left Daniel emboldened to experiment new things. He would try his luck at touching me, making moves and getting me to drink. Worst of all, he tried to make me have sex with him.

For the first time, I said no to him. Saying no to him, in the long run, was the best thing that I could ever do. However, at the time, it was a nightmare.

Daniel clearly did not like the word no. In fact, he probably never heard that word before. But saying no to him and standing up to him made him upset, so upset to the point that he had begun to hurt me, physically and emotionally. He called me unfaithful, useless, and unloving. And even worse was the fact that I let this happen. We got into the vicious cycle of fighting, taking breaks and getting back together again, never really discussing our differences, or what hurt me the most, or our expectations. We continued to sweep things under the rug, pretending like nothing happened after we kissed and made up (literally). But the ugly pile of discrepancies continued to pile and pile until one day, he had enough with his pathetic girlfriend.

He told me that he started dating me because he wanted something more in a relationship that his previous girlfriend didn't give him. He wanted physicality. He wanted sex. And at that moment, I realized that we had nothing in common other than the fact that we breathed the same air and we were both right handed.

All of the commonalities that I thought we had were suddenly forced and non-existent. It was reminiscent to the times when I feel desperate to come up with things in common in a Venn diagram at school: I can bullshit all I want, but at the end of the day, my grade will still be mediocre. But somehow, in my mind, none of that mattered until he outright told me what he wanted. And that was something that I never asked for, partially because I wanted to give him benefit of the doubt, but also because I was afraid. I was afraid that he was going to pass me by once I told him what I wanted and what I valued.

Shortly after, he broke up with me, citing "irreconcilable differences" and the fact that I wasn't "fulfilling the physical needs of a relationship". Sad but true, and despite the fact that I knew that he was bad for me, I was hurt beyond belief. I missed him, but at the same time, At the time I hated him for changing me, but even more, I hated myself for falling in love with him.
sad animated GIF
(giphy.com)
               
I tell this story not for pity or for everyone to help me gang up and find Daniel so that I can beat him up. Daniel is a part of my past, and while unfortunate, has taught me something incredible valuable.

It took me a long time (about 18 months, to be honest), to forgive him. It took me just as long to forgive myself and learn that I, along with everyone else (even Daniel) deserves a person that will love you for who you are. And at the same time, people will naturally change - we all need to find a person that will not only change with us, but grow with us. Someone who facilitates our growth, and not hindering it.

Love is all about growing with one another, embracing the change and helping the other person become the best person that they can be. Stay true to yourself and know who you are first. Realize that change is healthy, but if someone is forcing you to do something that you aren't comfortable with or someone that you are not, then that person does not truly love you.

It may feel like the end of the world when you part ways with someone, but know that standing up for yourself will help you in the long run.

To this day, Daniel and I have never talked and I don't intend on ever doing so. But I thank him for helping me learn (the hard way) about how love is blind, but true love waits.

And I hope you remember that too - you are valuable and deserve the best in the world. Never settle for anything less, and never let people (or things) change you into someone that you are not.

x R

*Name changed

Friday, July 31, 2015

Just a Little Selfish, Not Lonely

It was really unexpected. All I wanted to do was play badminton after a long stretch (3 weeks) without it, and I was not doing very well.

My usual doubles partner, who has a boyfriend, decided to stay back during badminton time, so I went alone and played with the others. It was then that other people asked where my partner was, so I explained to them that she was talking to her boyfriend.

Then my temporary partner asked me, "Don't you have a boyfriend?"

To her surprise, I replied no. She then asked if I was lonely, to which I replied, not really.

But the truth is, yesterday I was doing some filing when Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" came on. And it made me feel a certain way.

As in, am I lonely? Am I missing something? Is there something wrong with me?

The reality is, I don't need a man, yet. I need time to find myself and what I want in a relationship. I need to be a little selfish, especially now, in order to figure out "me". How can I love someone fully when I don't know how to properly love myself and my family and friends, and God?

The last "relationship" that I was in was more than a year ago. The healing process that came post-breakup up until recently was filled with a lot of girl power, hanging out with friends, me time and pushing boys to the back burner. As the hurt from the breakup subsided, I started to have a clearer view of the world around me, of boys that I encountered, and clearer expectations for myself and future relationships.
music video animated GIF
(giphy.com)
At one point, I suppose you could say that I was ready. During this readiness, I met a wonderful guy. Having gone a couple dates with him, I thought that he was the one for me. But God had other plans and it seemed that slowly, the label that I placed on him - "the one" - slowly began to fade away.

Now I'm back to square one with no real prospects.

Returning back to badminton, the question of whether or not I am "lonely" because I'm not dating anyone really stuck with me.  True, I may be slightly over-analytical, but it definitely is something that I think about often.

The truth is, I do envy those who are in long term, committed relationships. It is something that I wish for, but do not obsess over. While it would be nice to have someone to talk to on a regular basis or act as a go to person for hanging out, I am still happy with who I am and where I am in my life. Maybe at this point, I think I'm ready but I'm not actually ready.

Taking the time to be alone and figuring out who I am and what I want is important.  I am having the time of life just by hanging out with friends, pursuing my dreams and taking time for myself. I'm reminding myself that it's okay to be selfish sometimes - especially where self-care is involved.

So being single is not a bad thing. I'm ready to take my time, find my own path and grow before I can commit to anything.

"Remember, the time you feel lonely is the time you need most to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony."
- Douglas Coupland

x R