It's Good to be Friend-Zoned

Friend zone - (n/v): When two people enter into a relationship as friends, but somewhere down the line, one of them begins to develop feelings for the other. The friend-zone occurs when the object of affection politely dismisses the idea of a romantic relationship, thus creating a strictly platonic relationship and therefore "friend-zoning" the other. 

Example:  "She just wanted to just be friends, so I guess now we are in the friend zone."
"He friend-zoned me the other day, so I guess now we are just friends."
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The friend zone makes me laugh, for one reason. This reason incurs a story of a young Rachel.

Long story short, in the 7th grade I had a crush on this boy in my class. He was tall and super cute, and I saw no imperfection in him. Looking back I shake my head at everything that I did to try and get him to notice me: try to beat him at basketball (failed), try to beat him at math homework (succeeded, but he didn't really care), dropped books in front of his desk (classic), asked him questions about homework (spoiler: I actually knew the answers), and basically everything short of waving a neon light sign in front of his face saying "Hey, I like you a lot!"

Accurate. (from giphy.com)

But one day, I did something better than that. I went up to him and told him that I liked him. His response was priceless, though at the time it was mortifying:

"You're nice and everything, but I think we should just be friends."

Heartbroken for days. This guy is also the reason why I don't make the first move anymore, but oh well.

Fast-forward to the present and I know now that what I experienced back then was a classic example of being friend-zoned. Growing up I have seen this happen many times. But let's face it, there really are two outcomes when you straight up tell someone you like them:
a) They like you back, and you begin this pseudo-dating, puppy love thing before you make it exclusive and serious; or
b) They friend-zone you, and you either 1) continue being friends or 2) stop being friends and you stop liking this person.
(and of course, the ever unfortunate option c) in which the object your affection doesn't like you back at all.)

It's a fine line to walk on, but now as a somewhat mature adult, I realize now the importance of being friend-zoned. That's right, I said it. It is actually good to be friend-zoned. So flashing back to my Grade 7 days and getting friend-zoned, as awkward as that was (because it was November, super early in the school year), it taught me lessons without even knowing it. In the heat of the moment, everything is blown 100 times out of proportion and it feels like the world is about to end. But I know now that the "love" I felt was just infatuation.

Let's break down a scenario:

A 16 year old girl has had a crush on this guy in her biology class. All her friends now, and they always tease her about it when he walks by. The gods were smiling on her, and to her pleasant surprise she became his lab partner for the rest of the year. After a lot of pestering and joking and many pep talks, the 16 year old girl goes to tell her lab partner, this hunk in a lab coat, that she has liked him for a long time. Ever since Grade 8, to be precise, when he hit her in the head with a basketball. 

Hunk-in-lab coat is surprised, blinks a few times, and remembers that his mother told him that it is rude not to answer when someone is speaking to him. So he panics, and says, "Hey, you're pretty cool and nice and smart but... I'm not really looking for a relationship right now."

Cue the awkward emptiness.

"But I'd still like to be friends, if that's okay."

(End scene)

Sound familiar? The rhetoric at the end of hunk-in-lab coat's monologue can really break a relationship, or lack of. This girl just got friend-zoned, and the reality is that she'll either forget him and move on, or brush aside the hurt that comes with the friend zone and continue to subtly have feelings for him.

However, looking at the bigger picture, there is an underlying reason as to why we as teenagers fear the friend-zone. It's all infatuation. It's just a crush.

(from giphy.com)

I am willing to bet that most people want to marry someone who they are comfortable with, who loves and respects them and their family for who they are, and ultimately, someone that they actually know. If you don't truly know someone, it's hard to trust them. And if it's hard to trust them, then making big decisions together might be a challenge.

In a discussion that I had with a friend last night, the fear of the friend-zone came up. In fact, I was trying my best to console someone who just got friend-zoned. And it sparked a lot of thoughts inside of me. 9/10, these crushes we have are just what they are called : crushes. Going back to my Grade 7 dreamboat, all I liked him for was his physical features. I called him "cute" and "adorable" and other gross words like that. But did I really know him? Did I really take the time to get to know him - his likes and dislikes, what it was like for him growing up, what he wanted to be when he grew up? Did I even like him for who he was?

In retrospect, I can confidently answer "no" to all of those questions. And when he friend-zoned me, I packed up all my feelings in a feelings suitcase and threw it into the river. I took his friend-zone to be a dead end, game over, no way no how type of end. But really, it was an open door, rather than a closed door. Whether or not he was serious about becoming friends and getting to know each other better is only for him to know, but I feel that we as young ones take the friend-zone to be a point of no return and the end of a friendship, even before it can begin.

(from giphy.com)

Take the friend-zone as an opportunity. Yes, it will be difficult to swallow your pride and try to put a handle on your feelings. Yes, your friends might tease you from time to time ("remember how he friend-zoned you?"), and yes, it might be weird (and a little unsettling) to see them crush on someone else that isn't you. But remember that the purpose of a relationship, the purpose of love, is to grow with someone and help to make one another better.

You can't base a relationship off of terms of endearment and physical attributes. Get to know someone and embrace the friend-zone. That way, you can get to know someone and make more of an informed decision. You will also realize how fast you were taking things. Finally, you will also learn more about yourself and what you want in a potential partner.

At the end of the day, there is no contest to get married first. When the time is right and the person is right, you will know. This isn't to say that you need to stay at home and be a hobbit; no. Go out with people and meet new people, but be friends before you go Facebook official.

True, no one wants to be in the awkward in-between stage that is the friend-zone, but at the same time, take it as an opportunity to build character and get to know this person that you supposedly fell in love with. And if that person really is the one, no one will be in your way. The last thing you want is to be crushed by a crush, with no opportunity to become friends.

Embrace the friend-zone, my friends.

x R 

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Check out this past post related to the friend-zone here.

I recently began contributing to this awesome blog based out of Toronto called Speak Out! Thanks to all the lovely authors over there for welcoming me in with open arms. My debut piece, "Crush(ed)", is up now. Similar ideas and threads to this post!

Seemingly Pointless Post at 9PM

I realize now the sheer volume of tasks at hand. The choices that I have are many, the opportunities are vast, and yet my time is little.

It felt like just yesterday when I was walking into a university lecture hall for the first time, thinking about my uneasiness and how it was going to be difficult to start from scratch again. Familiar faces were missing from this environment of "school" that I had been so used to all my life.

As I moved through the motions, this new place became my new home. Peoples' faces began to solidify in my memory, and to my happiness, they remembered me too. The work load took me by surprise, and the expectation has jumped up suddenly. I always knew that one day, I would have to be responsible for my own learning and future, I just did not expect it to hit me so quickly.

I am not sure what the point of the post is, to be honest with you. I am currently swamped in between a two research papers, a creative assignment and (yet another) Stats midterm. I feel like my past life in high school was too easy, for lack of a better word. During the time that I went through the tasks at hand, it was a big deal. What once was a big deal has now become something in my periphery and now I am taking new tasks head on.

I found this new stride, this new happiness, that I did not find in high school. I used to think that high school was my prime, the only time in my life when I would be happy. As graduation came, I was scared to leave despite the bravado that I had when I found out that I would be going to SFU.

So I suppose I found my point;

What's happening right now, it will pass.

You are stronger than you think.

You can overcome every mountain, every storm, every enemy.

Never strive for less than what you deserve, which is happiness.

Keep on fighting, never stop believing.

I wish I had someone whispering these mantras in my ear when I was going through seemingly tough issues when I was in high school. At the same time, I am thankful for the suffering and the obstacles that had appeared in my path.

You learn so much through suffering, through pain, through sorrow. Remember that God is always with you through it all. It is through the suffering that God asks us to pray, to discern. He will never leave you. Never forget what you went through, and remember that it does get better.

"God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, and makes me tread upon the heights."

- Habakkuk 3:17

So keep holding on (thanks Avril), never stop fighting and always keep believing. And spill ink while you do. I promise that future posts will have more purpose :) Midterms are still happening, so... soon. In the mean time, check out the Student Life Network blog for some posts of mine!

x R 

 

Jeremiah 29:11

Allow me to be transparent for a short fraction of time,

But I'm scared for what is to come.

I know, I know, there is no use in worrying about what hasn't happened yet. The more we spend living in fear, the less we can truly live out our lives. We should go into the world with little fear and more excitement, more passion, than anything else. The unknown is great: it is vast and holds so many opportunities for us.

After meeting again with an academic adviser to discuss my plans (yet again) for the coming September, she pinned me down instantly (and we only met four times in person).

"Are you a natural worrier?"
"What are you worried about?"
"Is it because you don't trust yourself?"
"When is a time when you have no worries at all?"
"What can you do to ease your worrying?"

These are all questions she asked, all questions I have pondered over the past 24 hours and quite frankly, questions that I have even gone to the extent of worrying about.

So to answer all the above,

- I am a natural worrier. Though I would like to deny it, I am a worrier. I am also a perfectionist, and I think that is why I am always so worried about everything, from school to how I am perceived to my future. I would not go as far as to say that I am obsessive compulsive, but I would say that I get anxiety quite easily. The past two years have been a time of renewal and a time of change. I have started to let go of the fact that sometimes, I have done my best and that is all that matters. With that comes the anxiety that my best is not good enough. I get worried, I get anxious, and I am trying to ease off on myself and the world around me. Let me tell you firsthand, anxiety is not pretty and to put it plainly, it sucks. Now I know that many people tell me that anxiety is a "me" thing and that I am the only one standing between my struggle and my freedom... I suppose that is very true, but at the same time, I cannot seem to help it.

- What do I get worried about? Various things - What is university going to be like next year? How am I going to cope with the work load? Will I make new friends? Will I make it through exams? Will I make it through the next 4-5 years?
These are immediate worries. There is also the worry about keeping friends close. The worry that some friends are making choices that could affect their lives in negative ways. I worry for my family. I worry for my health and the health of my family. Admittedly, I worry for the ones that steal my heart. I worry for things that have not happened yet and quite possibly, might never happen.

- I feel that I have a certain amount of trust for myself. Don't get me wrong, I respect myself wholly, but respect and trust are different in my mind. I feel that to compensate for errors and failings of the past, there is an amount of accountability I have to hold myself to.

- Is there ever a time when I am never worried? Probably when I am asleep. Even now during summer vacation, my anxiety goes up in preparation for what is to come. I would say that I am always worrying about something, but the level and amount differs from day to day, month to month, year to year.

- To be quite honest, I am terrible at finding time for myself. "Time for myself" typically is time spent procrastinating. Sometimes when I want to be eventful and I have something on my mind, I write in my journal and of course, try to write something inspirational here. I like to play the piano and relax with my family, but many times worrying sends me to the corners of my room, trying to figure out why I am so worried and what I can do to get over it.

So I should not be one to talk, but I wish nothing but happiness and calm for you all. I would like to challenge everyone, myself included, to put aside the worrying in our lives, especially worries about the future. We should enter each day with open arms and a trust that God has plans for us:

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'"

- Jeremiah 29:11

 And if that is all there is to it, then maybe it is worth giving up our worrying and putting our trust in God.

What is one thing that you are worried about right now in this stage of your life? Whatever it is, big or small, offer it up to God, and then, put it aside. Do what you can do for today, and when the time comes, do what you can do for that particularly worry. You may find that by that time, the worry has passed.

So enjoy summer! I hate to break it to you all, but we are halfway through July, which is insane. Take time to relax, put your worries aside and spill ink while you do.