New Year, Same Me

(Happy New Year, from Ross Geller. From giphy.com)

Happy new year to everyone! It's so strange to write 2016 at the beginning of my journal entries every time I write in my journal. The stranger thing is how quickly 2015 has gone by and how things have changed. 2015, like any other year, has been a year with ups and downs, successes and hardships. But all in all, it was a great year like the many before it.

With each new year comes the sentiments of opening a new book, turning over a fresh leaf and starting with a blank canvas litter our social media and conversations. New Year's resolutions have become almost obligatory, from trying to lose weight to eating healthier to even swearing less when you're behind the wheel. I remember in elementary school when the first writing activity of the year would be to write about our New Year's resolutions.

Over the years, my priorities and goals changed. I would always rely on the safe but standard "be a better kid" and the questionable "get smarter". As I grew up and self image began to plummet, I would tell myself that I wanted to lose 10 pounds by this date, eat healthier, work out more and clear up my skin. But time and time again I would lose track and frankly give up. The white flag would go up around February/March, and by my birthday (in April) I would be hating myself for being lazy and scolding myself for biting off more than I could chew.

I have become submissive to this fact, not to say that I am weak, lazy, or lack motivation. But there is a kernel of truth my scoldings. Telling myself to lose 10 pounds is ideal, and I could definitely stand to work out more so as to help myself lead a healthier lifestyle. Getting smarter is great too, but behind this "smartness" is the necessities of hard work, effective time management and motivation.

But beyond this, my goal every year was to be a better person than I was the year before. This year, I wanted to take a different approach to this.

I look back on the year that has passed and I think back on what my weaknesses and shortcomings were. There were definitely scenarios that I could have handled better, words I shouldn't have said, and fights that I shouldn't have picked. All of these incidents have become learning pages in an ongoing book, a story of my life. And while I had this resolution last year to be a better person, people fail. As humans, we all fail, and that's life.

But when the new year comes, we can't rip out the bad pages, throw them out in hopes of forgetting the past and pretend like they didn't exist. We need to learn from them and build on them. We can't be complacent, especially in this goal to being a better person. So this means that each year shouldn't be viewed as a blank canvas or empty book. Your canvas is still filled with marvelous colours and your book is a story in progress. 

(Etch a sketch. from gifmania.co.uk)

Life isn't an Etch a Sketch, where we shake away our sketches because we aren't satisfied and start over from scratch. The past is the past, and there is nothing that we can do to change it. But what we can change is how we look at the future. That, and learning from our past mistakes, can propel us into better things.

Take your resolutions with your past in mind, and don't beat yourself up if you don't make it. That being said, also make sure that your resolutions are attainable. 

Finally, have a great year. It's called "Happy New Year" for a reason: be happy that you've made it to see a new year. Learn from your mistakes and move forward bravely and boldly.

You can do it.

With love,

x R

                                  

Silently Judging You (Coming Clean pt. 2)

Judgement: it's everywhere. And believe me, we are all doing it. You're even doing it right now while you're reading this.

According to clinical psychologist Linda Blair, on average it takes about seven seconds to judge a person after we meet them. This is even before a firm handshake. It is literally one glance, up and down, and you can make your own assumptions about the person.

Case to point - if you were to see someone dressed a little simpler with ripped and tattered clothing and an overall disheveled appearance on the Skytrain, you probably would be heading to another spot ASAP. 

I can't condemn other people for judging, because I know that I do it too. It's something that we don't think about because it just happens. Everyday we make little judgments that lead to poor assumptions and misconstrued beliefs. 

I bring up this point because it somewhat ties into my most recent post about coming clean. I came to realization that the judging that we do on a regular basis in turn makes us self-aware and self-conscious about what other people thing of us. How are other people judging me? What would they say or think if I wore this outfit, did my make up in a certain way, ate a certain amount of food or drank a certain beverage?

Coming clean, as I found, was a lot simpler in writing than in reality. Having my story out there enabled people to read what they wanted to, interpret it how they wanted to, and ask questions. Telling people was a whole other story.

To best explain, my plan was in two parts: one, to just get it out there for people to read at their leisure, but also to physically have conversations with people that I have known for a long time and who deserve to know. Not because I want sympathy of any kind (because I don't), but because I want my friends to know who I am. I want to be able to be truthful and explain the inconsistencies that they may have found in my life without any further lies or stories. I wanted them to know the truth, the whole truth, no matter how ugly it was.

By doing this, I was able to break down a judgement barrier for myself. I have gotten to a stage in life where, despite the occasional feelings of insecurity about my physical appearance, I feel good about myself, physically and emotionally. While the journey was not ideal or perfect it has taught me great things about myself. At this point, I know that my depression doesn't make me less of a person, less of a human, and less of a child of God.

Last night, I began my odyssey into coming clean, beginning with one of my closest friends. We met in kindergarten and have been friends ever since. This year will be going on 14 years of friendship, and yet we never had a evening just for us.

I always found it difficult to share my story with others, but I think it is especially difficult for friends that are so close to me. As I began to tell her the story, I prefaced it by saying that, "I didn't say anything earlier because I didn't want to lose you when I was already losing everyone else."

The story slowly tumbled out, and after my sharing was done, she told me that it gave her the courage to tell her own story, prefacing it also by saying that she didn't want to tell me because she didn't know how I would feel. She didn't know if I would judge her, and she didn't want me to be disappointed in her.

Why are we always so scared with letting our true colours show and letting people see who we really are? Our society tells us to make flawless first impressions with the people we meet. We are expected to come across as perfect in the eyes of strangers.

But the truth of the matter is, I AM NOT PERFECT. I have my moments, my flaws and my insecurities. This is true for all humans, and yet we still break each other down with judgement and negativity. 

My fear of judgement was the reason why I didn't get help sooner, and I truly feel that judgement is preventing others from speaking out and getting the help that they need.

I know I can't stop other people from judging, but I know that I can think twice before I make a generalized and uneducated comment about someone else. Everyone is facing a different and unique battle - one that we may not be able to comprehend or understand. Because of that, we need to be more sympathetic and aware of the situation of others.

And to you, all of you: remember how special and lovely you are. Be confident and take heart.

x R 

musings & the past, current state & first date

(Because my blog is an escape, and not a social media hehehe)

This will fall under the personal tab of things when it comes to my blog, under journal, buried feelings, stupid feelings, and love feelings and anything sentimental/illogical/dumb that comes my way.

BUT, I wanted to take time to just reminisce. To think, smile to myself, relive our moment(s), and of course, procrastinate the many, many things I should be doing but choose not to do, because I can.

Dearest blog, I haven't really been using you as a blog as of late. Hell, it's been a while since I wrote. So here we go.

1. Musings

- Currently so overwhelmed. Not feelings wise, but information overload wise. I am in this CCO faith study on campus, and we are doing the second faith study, entitled "Source". It talks all about the Holy Spirit and His power within me. Today we learned about docility - saying yes and surrendering ourselves to the mercy and power of God.
I continue to kid myself everyday when I tell myself that I know best. I know exactly what I want, when I want it, and why I want it. I basically run my life with not consideration to what God has in store for me. I guess that's why I find this 'being docile' so difficult. How do I let go of my pride and humble myself to the infinite knowledge that God has? He knows everything about me, and He knows every step I take before I take it. And he knows for a fact that the happiness that I have today may take a sharp turn south tomorrow. He knows everything, and He does everything for me, and yet I still push Him to the back burner. How do I give myself to Him, knowing that He just knows and that I just don't?

2. The past

- A year ago, I was struggling to come to terms with a boy that I thought loved me. I thought that our relationship was over. He would never text or call or message. We would never talk when we saw each other in the halls. I lost so much sleep over this boy. I would cry every night thinking that the next day he would break up with me. But I would see him each morning with the same look on his face: clueless. Clueless that I loved him so much, that I was afraid of losing him, afraid of not being able to be friends again. And yet, that still happened. I lost him. But through losing him I found a part of myself that I was missing along the way. It's cliche and all, but the pain was turned into happiness. I found myself throughout this experience.

3. Current state

- The semester is almost over. Three weeks left. Endless papers to finish writing and editing. A renowned author ripped my interview to shreds (inadvertently; I know he didn't mean to). I've lost some friends along the way but made many new ones. I am anxiously waiting on a new job. So I guess it's just the usual, mixed up emotions but nevertheless, very happy. I am happier than I was a year ago.

4. First date

I haven't felt this way in a long time. I can't describe how you make me feel. You are nothing like anyone that I have ever known, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. You are so genuine, so mature and so kind. Being with you gives me a sense of belonging and warmth, and even though I miss you, I finally feel like I have grown mature enough to find the balance between you and my life. I can't wait to grow with you and learn more about you.
btw, does you paying for our lunch make it a first date?? what about you making the first move??

I promise I will have more intellectual things to say soon. Cheers!

x R

To Friend or Unfriend?

As I write this, I am still in my pajamas and yet feeling very accomplished at 10:30 in the morning. My hair looks bad and I am still coughing, but I feel so happy with what I was able to do.

Let me explain, my feeling of accomplishment extended way before I woke up this morning at 9.

I hit an epiphany while I was coughing my lungs out last night. And before you start to feel sorry for me, know that I have been dealing with it for nearly a month. It really is all my fault that I cannot shake this cough, but pray for me, because sleep is not coming easy and the spring semester starts today. I foresee a chance of sleepless nights, early mornings and papers on frustrating topics resulting in tears.

But I digress.

While I lay awake and coughing, I had a lot of time to think about how my first semester went in terms of work load, extra curricular activities, what I liked and disliked, and my relationships with God, family and friends.

I came to several conclusions:

- Statistics would never happen again, despite my overall B+ and the (grudgingly obvious) fact that it was quite useful in daily life.

- I had to choose one choir over the other, and I had to remind myself that just because I returned to serving one choir as opposed to two does not mean that I love God any less.

- Maybe I am not as literary as I thought I was, because I cannot close read to save my life.

- I need to make more time to spend with God and my family.

What left a big, gaping hole in my train(s) of thought last night was friends.

What makes a friend? Who are my friends?

Do I even have any friends?

(From giphy.com - OINTB)

My life began to play out before me like a cinema, adding to my insomnia. I made friends in elementary school, which eventually evolved into the friends I made in high school. Some were kept while others slowly faded into the background of life. Every experience came with new friends: summer camp, youth days, Quebec exchange, volunteering, and now university.

I see now that friendship, like any relationship, is a two way street. You do not have to be romantically intertwined with a person to ask how they are doing from time to time. And granted, everyone got busier once they left high school. We meet new people and are off chasing our dreams. We have to choose certain things over others, and sometimes that means sacrificing friendships.

To bring a little peace to myself, I can honestly say that yes, there are many people that I hold near and dear to my heart as friends. But I think that most of the time we go through life with our Facebook lenses on. The number of friends that we have on Facebook is just a deception, because I can almost guarantee that I do not talk to 80% of the ones that I have.

Which is sad.

(From giphy.com - New Girl)

             

Facebook brings a whole new definition of what a "friend" is. If you met for a day? Friend that person. You have one mutual friend? Friend that person. Your name came up in conversation a couple times, so I have to friend you. But how much do you know that person or talk to that person? Do you value that person, or are they just another icon on the list?

I am not saying that you should go through right now and delete all the friends you have not talked to in say, 3 months. But I think the point is clear that we are all so confused as to what a true friend really is.

I feel that this is really relevant, especially for many of my friends who are graduating this year. Know that you are not defined by the number of friends that you have on Facebook, or followers on Twitter or Instagram. A true friend will be there for you in the thick and thin, and will make the effort to travel on the two-way street. And if you find that things are not working out? That is okay too. In the end, remember that you cannot possibly be friends with everyone and please them all. Figuring that out gave me so much extra space to breathe, and helped me reach this conclusion.

"There are friends who destroy one another, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother." - Proverbs 18:24

I wish everyone the best in this new semester - go for the gold, good friends, and spilled ink!

x R 

PS - how did you like the GIFs?

Hello, 2015

It is incredibly strange to be writing this with the title as 2015. Where did 2014 go? It only seemed like yesterday that I was ringing in 2014 the way I usually do with my family. But one blink and 365 days have passed, with not one day wasted.

2014 was a good year.

So many trips, memories, friends made, achievements accomplished, and here we are with a new slate. Well, 2 days into a new slate.

I spent the remainder of the new year with my family in Las Vegas. While it is not the quietest place in the world, the crowds and the buzz of the city gave me energy to think and to keep going. I had the opportunity to see the Grand Canyon in Arizona. Climbing up a steep rock face to overlook everything was breathtaking, and it made me realize something really sobering:

Everyday, we get older. And every year, we get even older.

Now, I am not saying this to be cynical, to rain on your parade, or to point out the ever obvious truth because I just realized it, but because this truth that hangs above me is a constant reminder that life goes on, despite what went on that day, that month, or that year.

Life, fortunately or unfortunately, does not come with a remote that enables us to pause life when we screw up, rewind if we want to fix something or fast-forward suffering and adversity to better days. Life does not pause when we hit a rough patch and resume when the worst of it is over. Life continues to flow fluidly, day in and day out, with the good and the bad.

The Grand Canyon has undergone thousands of years of change to become what it is today, and even now it continues to change. We only have so many years to become who we are. We only have a select number of years to change with the experiences that we have had over the years to mold us into the person we ought to be.

Photo creds to my mom! Grand Canyon ponderings

Every year, people talk about new year's resolutions. We all make them and try to keep them. The reality is that sometimes, life gets in the way of keeping them. Temptation rises to prevent us from that goal of snacking once a day as opposed to three. New television series keep us glued to the TV instead of getting outside. Continued advancement of social media affects how we communicate with one another, and even with our loved ones.

This is why this year, I have no grand and sweeping resolutions that I cannot keep. I know for a fact that every year, I come up with something great (or, it sounds great) in January and by April, I have no idea what that resolution is.

Instead, this year I have a simple plan. The plan contains a single part, and that is what I need to do.

If a resolution means "a firm determination to do something", then here is what I firmly am determined to do:
- Practice piano every day for at least 45 minutes
- Exercise 3 times a week
- Pray every morning
- Spend less time on social media and more time studying or with friends/family
- Work every day to be a better person

All of these resolutions are set in place to help me achieve bigger plans, all of which I hope to accomplish within the course of this year. I challenge everyone to have SMART resolutions - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time based.

Look within yourself and see what you need to change in order to become a better version of yourself. With this change comes great responsibility, but after this comes the satisfaction of getting better and better every day.

So, what are your new year's plans?

To end off, I saw something cool on Tumblr last night as I was unpacking. And yes, I can multitask:

(Source: http://these-times-shall-pass.tumblr.com/post/106767379035)

So this year, aim high and aim for great things. Settle for nothing less than your best, and never be content with mediocrity. You are worth more than that!

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared us in advance for us to do." - Ephesians 2:10

I wish everyone the happiest of new year's, despite this greeting being two days late. May your goals be achievable and your happiness great! Keep spilling ink while you do so!

x R 

Seemingly Pointless Post at 9PM

I realize now the sheer volume of tasks at hand. The choices that I have are many, the opportunities are vast, and yet my time is little.

It felt like just yesterday when I was walking into a university lecture hall for the first time, thinking about my uneasiness and how it was going to be difficult to start from scratch again. Familiar faces were missing from this environment of "school" that I had been so used to all my life.

As I moved through the motions, this new place became my new home. Peoples' faces began to solidify in my memory, and to my happiness, they remembered me too. The work load took me by surprise, and the expectation has jumped up suddenly. I always knew that one day, I would have to be responsible for my own learning and future, I just did not expect it to hit me so quickly.

I am not sure what the point of the post is, to be honest with you. I am currently swamped in between a two research papers, a creative assignment and (yet another) Stats midterm. I feel like my past life in high school was too easy, for lack of a better word. During the time that I went through the tasks at hand, it was a big deal. What once was a big deal has now become something in my periphery and now I am taking new tasks head on.

I found this new stride, this new happiness, that I did not find in high school. I used to think that high school was my prime, the only time in my life when I would be happy. As graduation came, I was scared to leave despite the bravado that I had when I found out that I would be going to SFU.

So I suppose I found my point;

What's happening right now, it will pass.

You are stronger than you think.

You can overcome every mountain, every storm, every enemy.

Never strive for less than what you deserve, which is happiness.

Keep on fighting, never stop believing.

I wish I had someone whispering these mantras in my ear when I was going through seemingly tough issues when I was in high school. At the same time, I am thankful for the suffering and the obstacles that had appeared in my path.

You learn so much through suffering, through pain, through sorrow. Remember that God is always with you through it all. It is through the suffering that God asks us to pray, to discern. He will never leave you. Never forget what you went through, and remember that it does get better.

"God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, and makes me tread upon the heights."

- Habakkuk 3:17

So keep holding on (thanks Avril), never stop fighting and always keep believing. And spill ink while you do. I promise that future posts will have more purpose :) Midterms are still happening, so... soon. In the mean time, check out the Student Life Network blog for some posts of mine!

x R 

 

The Journey Filled with (Content) Solitude

So today officially marks one week of post-secondary. One week since I first started my journey in university, with hundreds more to follow. Obviously it would be really strange of me to celebrate every week, but indulge me for a bit.

Folks, this is a big step in my life!!

For myself and many others in my graduating class, June was the last time we were all together. We would see each other from a daily basis, and though we maybe were not as close to some as we were to others, we were still connected by a bond of unity. We had a common thread running through all of us. And true, many of us hung out over the summer, reminiscing about the past and assuring each other that the future would be okay. A lot of us made promises this time last year that have been broken, either by life or by ourselves.

I said good bye to a lot of people over the summer, see you soon to some, and see you tomorrow to very few. I also said good bye to the old life that I had - the one that I had found comfort and content in for the past thirteen years of my life. I said good bye to familiar territory and familiar faces, only to walk into what is affectionately called by my elders as "the real world".

As I walked through crowds of people, I tried to find a space. I tried to find a space that I would call my own for a temporary amount of time, sandwiched in between strangers. Everyone seemed to move so fast. The professors talked so fast. Time flew so fast, and suddenly, I was back at home.

I told many, and I will share with you all, that I had woken up last Wednesday morning in a panic. I could not find my kilt in my closet, and I was running super late. It was not until I saw the mess of textbooks on my desk (the very expensive and definitely not free textbooks) and my term-at-a-glance calendar on my dry erase board that I realized that I was not in high school anymore.

In university, people move very fast. Everyone walks with their head down, with steps faster than my high school steps. There are people that walk in groups, with people they call their friends. They laugh and seem to be having a good time. And then I think about high school and how easy it was to fall into sync with my best friends. I wonder where my friends are at that precise moment - whether or not they are able to keep up with the flow of university traffic. Whether or not they are able to find friends to laugh with. Whether or not they feel the same solitude that I feel.

And okay, maybe I am being melodramatic and over thinking everything the way I usually do. But today, one week into my journey, I woke up with a new feeling inside of me. It might have been slight insanity from the fact that I was waking up way too early to meet my 8:30 class (and at this point, I was questioning why I even enrolled for an 8:30 class to begin with!)

And as I walked outside, with my mom calling out behind me to have a good day, I was honestly skeptical once again about how true that would be. But as I walked over the dewy ground, one foot stepping in front of the other, I was greeted by the sun shining through the clouds. It was not a spectacular sunrise, but something about it calmed me. For a while (and allow me to be poetic for a minute - after all, I am an English student), I was able to relate to the sun. I was the sun, trying to find my way from behind the clouds that is this new life of mine. I am trying to find my own way, my own time to shine.

Once 3 o'clock rolled around, the sun shined brilliantly.

I found the pace of today different from the rest. I am beginning to make new friends (so I guess I am not a total loser) and I started to get even more into what I was learning. I am finally getting into the swing of things.

"And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great." - Job 8:7

I hope that everyone is reaching a steady rhythm within themselves and finding their flow in their new experiences. Remember your roots and go boldly into the future! Embrace the new, learn from the past, and spill more ink while you do.

x R 

#OOTD

As many know, I graduated from Holy Cross and Our Lady of Good Counsel. I was in the Catholic school system for 13 years. Throughout those years, one thing I did not have to worry about was what to wear. Thankfully we had uniforms that kept everyone consistent and cut out the stress of wearing the latest fashions from my life. I only had to really tear my hair out when we had jeans days in high school.

But now, I am in university. I had no uniform (though my dad would joke and say that I could wear my kilt if I wanted to). There was no uniformity. You could wear whatever you wanted.

This made me excited (shopping!) but also nervous. On the second day of school (my first day off, and what used to be my first day of high school), I woke up at 8:30, rifling through my closet. I was panicking because I could not find my kilt, until I realized that I was no longer in high school anymore.

My observations as I went from class to class, from one hallway to the next, is that there is a great array of what people wear to school. The pleasant realization? There were many people dressed like myself! 

The very first day of school brought heavy, heavy rain. Unfortunately, fashion had to be sacrificed for practicality and I had to ditch all the plans and outfits that I had dreamed about wearing for my first day. Instead of skirts, I had to resort to jeans. Forget the cute tops, I was rocking a hoodie all day.

Today's weather was a lot better, but I still kept the jeans.

A few questions and realizations after these two days:

1) In a lecture hall (especially in one with nearly 200 people in it), people really cannot see what you are wearing. Especially when you are sitting down for the entire lecture and short (like me).

2) Did I really care that much about what I wore during high school?

3) Do I still care about what I wear?

4) The uniform of university is as such - jean, some kind of shirt, and a sweater of some kind. The sweater, of course, is optional, depending on the weather.

5) How long do some girls spend trying to figure out what to wear?

6) One of these days I will wear sweats or something. One of these days.

I think that I will always care, to some extent, about how I look. They say that what you wear reflects on your character and can help to lift your mood. Though I will never be like those girls that wear 2 inch heels to class, I suppose I could stand dressing up a bit from time to time.

The point is, in the end, school is a place to learn. In retrospect, I think spent a lot of sleepless nights creating and recreating outfits for high school jeans days that would impress other people. I never really dressed for myself, and I would find myself in items that I felt uncomfortable in.

Clothing, like many other things, is a form of expression. I am beginning to learn now that it should never rule your personality - it should compliment it. Let your personality shine through the words you say, the actions you do, and your smile.

So shop for things that compliment you instead of just covering you (though covering you is a good idea too)! Be confident in who you are and never underestimate the power of a simple 'hello' or friendly smile, and keep spilling ink while you do. I hope everyone's school year is starting off well!

Throwback to the times when I wore my outfit of the year - my uniform. Maybe it will make an appearance at Halloween... #throwbackthursday

x R

Jeremiah 29:11

Allow me to be transparent for a short fraction of time,

But I'm scared for what is to come.

I know, I know, there is no use in worrying about what hasn't happened yet. The more we spend living in fear, the less we can truly live out our lives. We should go into the world with little fear and more excitement, more passion, than anything else. The unknown is great: it is vast and holds so many opportunities for us.

After meeting again with an academic adviser to discuss my plans (yet again) for the coming September, she pinned me down instantly (and we only met four times in person).

"Are you a natural worrier?"
"What are you worried about?"
"Is it because you don't trust yourself?"
"When is a time when you have no worries at all?"
"What can you do to ease your worrying?"

These are all questions she asked, all questions I have pondered over the past 24 hours and quite frankly, questions that I have even gone to the extent of worrying about.

So to answer all the above,

- I am a natural worrier. Though I would like to deny it, I am a worrier. I am also a perfectionist, and I think that is why I am always so worried about everything, from school to how I am perceived to my future. I would not go as far as to say that I am obsessive compulsive, but I would say that I get anxiety quite easily. The past two years have been a time of renewal and a time of change. I have started to let go of the fact that sometimes, I have done my best and that is all that matters. With that comes the anxiety that my best is not good enough. I get worried, I get anxious, and I am trying to ease off on myself and the world around me. Let me tell you firsthand, anxiety is not pretty and to put it plainly, it sucks. Now I know that many people tell me that anxiety is a "me" thing and that I am the only one standing between my struggle and my freedom... I suppose that is very true, but at the same time, I cannot seem to help it.

- What do I get worried about? Various things - What is university going to be like next year? How am I going to cope with the work load? Will I make new friends? Will I make it through exams? Will I make it through the next 4-5 years?
These are immediate worries. There is also the worry about keeping friends close. The worry that some friends are making choices that could affect their lives in negative ways. I worry for my family. I worry for my health and the health of my family. Admittedly, I worry for the ones that steal my heart. I worry for things that have not happened yet and quite possibly, might never happen.

- I feel that I have a certain amount of trust for myself. Don't get me wrong, I respect myself wholly, but respect and trust are different in my mind. I feel that to compensate for errors and failings of the past, there is an amount of accountability I have to hold myself to.

- Is there ever a time when I am never worried? Probably when I am asleep. Even now during summer vacation, my anxiety goes up in preparation for what is to come. I would say that I am always worrying about something, but the level and amount differs from day to day, month to month, year to year.

- To be quite honest, I am terrible at finding time for myself. "Time for myself" typically is time spent procrastinating. Sometimes when I want to be eventful and I have something on my mind, I write in my journal and of course, try to write something inspirational here. I like to play the piano and relax with my family, but many times worrying sends me to the corners of my room, trying to figure out why I am so worried and what I can do to get over it.

So I should not be one to talk, but I wish nothing but happiness and calm for you all. I would like to challenge everyone, myself included, to put aside the worrying in our lives, especially worries about the future. We should enter each day with open arms and a trust that God has plans for us:

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'"

- Jeremiah 29:11

 And if that is all there is to it, then maybe it is worth giving up our worrying and putting our trust in God.

What is one thing that you are worried about right now in this stage of your life? Whatever it is, big or small, offer it up to God, and then, put it aside. Do what you can do for today, and when the time comes, do what you can do for that particularly worry. You may find that by that time, the worry has passed.

So enjoy summer! I hate to break it to you all, but we are halfway through July, which is insane. Take time to relax, put your worries aside and spill ink while you do.

To the Future Boys That May Become Future Brothers-in-Laws,

Ah, young love. I love it, I hate it, and admittedly I find myself to be jealous of those who are successful with "young love".

I just came to terms with the inner battle of my own "young love" that maybe, I am still too young to understand what love is. All the same, I wonder sometimes how girls that are younger than I am have the strength to carry out long lasting relationships. Is it because maybe they know something more about love than I do? Are they just naive and evasive of potential problems? Or maybe.. they have found their soul mate at the  ever young age of 12 years old?

How do you find true love at 12 years old?

It's weird being the oldest and seeing my younger sisters interact with boys. I'm going to be really frank, we all talk about a lot of different things. What we never talk about is our love life (read: my love life. Or possibly Eleanor's.) You may be marveling at this title that I have chosen for this post. Clearly, my sisters (and myself, for that matter) are a long ways off from finding a soul mate and husband to spend the rest of our lives with. I'm not sure how I will react to seeing them holding hands with (gasp) a boy, but here's a letter of affection to whoever may choose to pursue either one of my lovely sisters:

To the Future Boys That May Become Future Brothers-in-Laws,

First off, seeing my sister texting you, holding hands with you and going places with you makes me cringe just a bit - not because I dislike you, but because I'm trying to figure out where all the time went, and if this is actually reality. As strange as this sensation is to me, I'm trying my best to come to terms with the fact that she is growing up and I was once like her.

So take care of her - tell her that she is special and beautiful. Take her out on dates - plan them and surprise her. Let her take charge and surprise you. Be spontaneous and discover new things and new places together. Make memories with her.

Don't hide things from her - honesty and trust are two major pillars in a relationship. If you can't be upfront with her, ask yourself why. Are you afraid that she will judge you? Are you hiding something that you aren't proud of? Do you think that you can just 'sweep it under the rug' because it doesn't matter? If you are hiding something, then maybe it does. Be honest - the less you hide, the easier if is for her to confide in you.

Communicate with her - tell her how you are feeling about certain things. There is no need to lie about how you feel - a true lady and gentleman respects their love's feelings.If you can't see her in person, text or call her. Let her know that you are alive (please) and that you are still thinking about her.

Respect her - remember that a relationship is a two way street. If you both respect each other's wishes and feelings, the relationship will go a long way. No means no, and if you can't understand that, then you best be moving on until you do.

Respect her family - This is key, my friend. As her family, we aren't going to bite you or hurt you. We just want what is best for our sister. My parents want someone that will respect them and take care of her. So talk to us, get to know us and spend time with us - if you really want to marry my sister, the reality is, you'll be marrying us too.

Understand her - understand who she is, what she loves to do and where she has come from. Try to read between the lines of the story of her life and help her to heal the wounds of the past and build memories for the future.

Most importantly, LOVE her and PRAY her - if you really love my sister, please do all of these things. Pray for her - her dreams, her hopes and her struggles. Pray for her family. Pray for her well being and that she will be able to follow in God's path of righteousness. With God on your side, your relationship will flourish. Take pride in knowing that "If God is for you, who can be against you?" (Romans 8:31).

So love her unconditionally and make God the focus of your relationship. With all these things, I hope to call you my brother-in-law....many years down the road, of course!

Rachel

^^ And I think all of this is my hurt speaking, but hey, at least now I know what I need to look for in a potential husband.

So live out and love mightily, keep God as your focus and of course, spill ink while you do.

Here's to Grad 14

There is so much joy in my heart, coming from the depths of my soul and exploding before me in waves of pure euphoria.

Despite the trials, the tribulations, the suffering and pain, God has given me the power to divide, conquer and pull through, and here we are, after grad, and I have never felt happier.

I am so proud of my fellow graduates - those I have known for years, those I have just gotten to know in the past few months. Those that I talk to on the daily, those I used to spend time with and those that I pass with a smile in the halls. We are filled to the brim with so much potential, with our blessings growing exponentially, and there is so much in store for us.

Now we are in the home stretch, ready to close off a chapter of my life that had once seemed impossible to comprehend and complete. But here we are, at the face of a new adventure. Here's to a life full of love and joy and exhilaration.

#gradxiv

Be good, be kind, and spill more ink. Only 20 days left! :)

To the Grad Class of 2014,

YOU GUYS.

Grad is finally here. It's fast approaching - hell, it's three days away.

Naturally, like many other fantastic and exciting things that has come to be in my past, I always get sick. Always, without fail. So being completely healthy before grad should have made me laugh because I should have known better. I would get sick.

However, having the time at home and the time alone really gave me time to contemplate and think about where I am now, who I have become, and what I hope to achieve in the next chapter of my life.

Despite the fact that I have lost my voice (but what else is new) and my back is really sore and my head pounding and thudding like there's no tomorrow, I am truly grateful for everything that has happened. Okay, so maybe my immune system could use some work. But this year, and the past 13 years of schooling, has taught me so much.

To the graduates of 2014,

We finally made it. Here we are, at a time and place that we have probably all thought once or twice in our past that we would never make it. There were times where we thought that graduation was too far away and didn't come soon enough. There were times where we were so caught up with the fear of our future that we couldn't enjoy what it truly meant to be young. We were once so overburdened by what people thought, what people said, and what it meant to keep up with the times that we couldn't appreciate who we were and what we could do.

But right here, at this moment, we have come to the realization that we are enough and we have conquered something massive.

What once seemed far out of reach is right at our fingertips, just close enough to touch. We are at the realm of adulthood, ready to move on from the environment that we have once called our school community to various campuses all over the map, becoming one of many and making new friends. After much stress and planning, the time has finally come to celebrate the fruits of our labor. The path maybe uncertain, but put your trust in God. This is where the true adventure begins.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are among the next generation of doctors, lawyers, engineers, teachers, fashion designers, journalists, technicians, men and women of the armed forces and famous royalty. There is no limit to what we can do and what we can achieve. Remember to do what you love.

I hope to one day be able to turn on the television and see one of the many people that I have once sat in class with being interviewed. Maybe one of us will have discovered the cure to cancer, created a new and cutting edge piece of technology or become the next Prime Minister. We all have so much potential to do great things, and I hope that you all realize that at this point.

As we prepare to embark on this new chapter of our lives, take care of yourselves. Enjoy the moment - it only comes once in a lifetime.



So cheers, Grad XIV. Here's to a whole new world. Stay true, be you, and spill some more ink while you're doing so.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7

Dear Grade 11s,

I think this back to back posting makes up for lack of posting in the past two months, but for whatever reason I have been so inspired by people and things that have happened. Round two of this week, hollaaaa...

So today at lunch there was a meeting for all those students who wanted to run for student council executive this year. It was something that I had discerned but eventually decided not to go for it, despite so many people pressuring me to run for various positions. I've been in a similar situation before as a young kid, and as past president of an elementary school student council, it's a taxing race. I am not saying don't run and don't try, but remember that there is a long road ahead of you. No matter if you were running back then or right now for next year, one thing remains the golden truth: stuff like this is always a popularity contest.

On that note, here is my letter to all grade 11s who are die hard, ready to fight to the death to win applicants, on the fence applicants and applicants who are being forced into doing this by one force or another:

Dear Grade 11s,

First of all, there are two reasons for me writing this. The first being that sometimes, I feel that I am closer to many of you than those in my own grade. I'm not sure if that is pathetic or cute or whatever, but through band class and band trips, Mission Team, Peace Team, locker neighbours, choir and just people that I have gotten to know over the years, I have made many new friends and learned so much from people that are just a bit younger than I am, wisdom that I wish that I had when I was at that age not so long ago.

The other reason is because the journey you are all about to embark on, regardless of what you decide to run for, is going to be a tough one.

Okay, so maybe many of you are thinking that I really have no place to say anything because, HEY RACHEL, you're not even on student council.

Fair enough. However, I've been in a similar situation before and let me tell you, student politics are just one of those things that are fun but at the same time, not fun at all. In the end, as I mentioned before, it is a popularity contest. Unfortunately, this is just how the world rolls.

As you all begin this race with the ultimate prize being a coveted spot on the student council for next year, please keep a few things in mind:

1) Don't run because no one is running -  Yes, it may be really tempting to run for a position that no one runs for because, score! You instantly win by default - no campaigning, no work, no stress. However, there could be a possibility that you have gotten yourself into a position that you either have no experience in or worse, have no interest in. Follow through with what you want, even if it means that you are running against others.

2) Run for what YOU want - Don't run for something because your friends thought it would be a good idea. If you are passionate about music, then by all means, go after becoming music rep! If you really dig doing the arduous task of taking meeting minutes, then go after becoming secretary! Just because your best friend says that you would make a good public relations person doesn't mean that you want to do it (unless you actually do want to) (what is public relations anyways?)

3) Don't make decisions based around others - Many people don't run for things because their best friend is running for the same position. While I totally get that it would be awkward if one wins over the other, you need to remember that this is something that you want to do. If you are all for sacrificing your wants for the good of your friendship, then by all means, step out. However, remember that true friends will support you and in turn, a good friend will support their friends. Think of it as healthy competition and a way to experience new things with your friend.

4) Have a campaign group, not a party - Watching as an outsider during last year's campaign trail, I saw that people made alliances, running for different positions but affiliating with one another and creating a party. While it is a fun and unique way to campaign (and statistically speaking, forming a popular party boosts everyone's chances of winning), there is the chance that someone in your party may not win. And that's awkward. It's great to support each other, but perhaps find most of your support from a trusted friend (AKA campaign manager) and other friends that maybe aren't running for anything.

5) Be unique - So yes, that is super cliche, but if you want to set yourself apart, do something unique while you are campaigning...as long as it's not illegal and that it's something that you can follow through with (for example, I don't really think you can win on a presidential platform of making every Friday senior skip day).

6) Make a good impression... and follow through with it - Remember that there is an unlimited amount of people that can run, but eventually the teachers will choose two for every position (or three, if you are running for religion rep). If you haven't really been that great with teachers but really want to become Vice President, maybe now is a good time to start. And after that, follow through with it. You don't want teachers to think that you were just pretending to get in (trust me, it's happened before!) ** of course, this point is only relevant if that is still happening in this way. Other wise, disregard this lol

7) Don't be discouraged - If by chance you didn't get the position you wanted, relax: it's all good. I know it's difficult, but remember (and I'm going to go all cliche and philosophical for a sec) - things happen for a reason. Maybe you can't see it now, but maybe you are destined to do something else that suits you better: your talents, your interest, your schedule (and believe me, senior year is the last time when you want to have something stuck in your time table that you DON'T want to be doing!)

8) Have fun - This letter wouldn't be complete without reminding you all to have fun. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity - don't waste it because of the fear that you will not win, or get swallowed up in the drama that comes with this (and there will be). Enjoy yourself, enjoy the moment. Embrace the loss, celebrate the win, and ultimately remember why you are doing this. To quote my mom, "if you are doing (insert action or task here) with good and selfless intentions, then God will help you through it".

So those are my 8 points. I would hate to see friendships break over something like this because you are all such great people. Nevertheless, best of luck to everyone that is running or planning on running. You guys are in charge now.

And that's it for now.

Be bold, try your best, and spill ink while you do.

Dedicated to Graeme

So let's be totally real - I was never in shape. I am by far the laziest person ever when it comes to anything physical. I like walking and hikes and stuff, but sports? PE class (Praise God for no more of those)? Running? 

HAHAHAHAHA no.

Honestly, despite my lack of physical activity God has smiled down on me and though I am not the thinnest, God is magical and has blessed me abundantly. Being a chubby kid when I was younger, I can truly appreciate the fact that growing up really does work wonders and that puberty really is the most awkward time of any kid.

Today, about two and a half weeks before grad, I decided that I would begin a new regiment to work out, not just to look good for grad (but let's face it - two and a half weeks won't do that much), but also to begin exercising. There was no more rain or cold for me to hide behind, and hey, it was now or never.

And I did it.

And elementary school me came back to haunt me.

Having not run for a few months, I could only manage one lap before feeling my legs collapse from underneath me, my lungs giving out and I began panting, wanting to give up. It was then that I began my walk, which would have probably been what I had continued to do if it was not for the mystery running man.

As I was halfway through my walking lap, a man that I had saw running pulled up in front of me. It's not a contest, I told myself. He has his pace and I have mine. But for whatever reason, I saw that he began to slow down. "Run, girl. Run!" he called out to me.

I laughed to myself. Nah, not now. Maybe later.

The man did not stop running to call after me. Looking behind him, he called out to me again. "Come on, girl! Let's run!"

For whatever reason, I did. And I didn't stop.

As we ran together, he introduced himself as Graeme, an ex-tennis player from Fiji. He was maybe about 50 something years old and in impeccable shape. He never once stopped running, and together, we ran straight for nearly half an hour.

To put things into perspective:
- my best time for the mile run was 9:47. That's actually really sad.
- the beep test is my mortal enemy, and my best level was may 5-6. (my lowest was 3-1)
- I was asked to do the 800 m run once. I gave up half way.
- I was asked to do the 800 m run again (didn't they learn their lesson?). I threw up after the race.
- I think that the most running that I have ever done straight recently was two and a half laps, tops.
- The fastest I've ever seen myself run was in a mall because I was late meeting someone. That and the sales.

So you can see my downfall here.

The fact that I was running for that length of time without stopping made me realize what I was capable of. But why me, I asked Graeme. Why are you motivating me and not another runner?

"Let me tell you something. I ran for 5 laps and then I was ready to give up. To pack up and begin walking. But then I saw you walking, and it made me realize that maybe, you wanted to run too. Maybe you would run eventually, but maybe you wouldn't. I needed motivation. You needed motivation. So I encouraged you to run, and encouraging you to run made me push myself. We all have our own paces, but how will you know if you don't push yourself?"

Solid.

So even though I am in no way on my way to becoming an Olympic athlete or a marathon runner, I am ready to do whatever it takes to push myself when it comes to staying in shape and exercising. To quote Graeme (who probably quoted Nike), "Don't just try to do it, just do it."

I'll keep you all posted on how that goes.

Until next time, keep fit, stay healthy, and spill some ink while you're at it.

"My head's under water but I'm breathing fine"

Gotta love John Legend and his smooth voice and lyrics that make you die and die again at how romantically sweet yet challenging and questioning they are to the listener.

It's been a while, and a lot has changed between then and now.

For starters, I suppose I should explain the significance of that line. Not only is it the song of the moment for me ("All of Me" by John Legend) but also because it accurately frames the state of life I'm in, literally and metaphorically. I think that the two ultimately do tie together into a big knot of issues but surprisingly, what I thought was an issue turned out to become something even better.

I seem to have lost my mind. Bits of my past, fragments of my memory and pieces of my imagination have some how been taken away from me after one incident in the Philippines. Basically lack of water and sleep led to fainting, which led to a hospital trip, which led to sleeping the rest of the day, which led to the present issue at hand, not remembering that day (fair enough) or various parts of recent personal history.

Was there a fall and head trauma involved? Did I hit something? Did my head jerk back in the motion of falling and being caught by someone? Is this even normal?

According to doctors, it is. My friend told me that this is the body's way of "flushing out" this memory, this trauma, that had happened. And maybe, just maybe, it took other things out with it in the process.

Regardless of what happened, I was left to wonder about who I was at that moment. I was confused with my relationships with certain people. It's funny, because the earliest memory I had was the end of last summer. I remember vividly the hell that he who shall not ever be named again had put me through. Yet, whatever had happened to me between then and now - especially the good things, which I yearned to remember - were taken away from me. I was in blackness. I was underwater.

Despite being underwater, I had to carry on and start from scratch. Apparently, the biggest thing I had lost was my relationship with you. I couldn't remember you, me and what we had. What had happened between us. Where we were going, what we were doing. It was that moment when I saw you for the first time again, and, from what people have told me about myself, I looked at you blankly. How did I look at you before? What went through my head when I saw you?

In that moment, I wondered how real this was. How strong my feelings were, how strong we were. And you told me that what we had, it was special, it was true.

So now, I have to start over and rebuild.

Why this happened, I can't answer. I honestly can't remember what life was like before hand with you or with others. Good or bad, I suppose this is a second chance. No matter where I am taken, I am thankful that this was the most serious part of the entire ordeal. Anything worse and I could be even more lost.

I guess this is how it all works out. My head is still underwater but I'm breathing fine. I can get through this.

No one ever said that life is easy. No one ever said that starting over was easy. But this time, I'm glad to have been given the opportunity.

Enjoy life, savour every moment, and spill more ink while you do.

PS - "All of Me" by John Legend