This infatuation will pass

Wisdom from a wise woman. (via Pintrest)

It's been a while since I last wrote, but I'm here now and I'm sorry for taking so long. I stumbled across this quote while I was on one of my Tumblr sprees the other day; a guilty habit that has since resurfaced by the name of procrastination. However, it's not all bad, I guess, because I found this. Sylvia Plath always had a way with words and a way of articulating feelings and thoughts that are so abstract and yet simple and profound. And this is what I want to write about tonight, at 10:21 PM. I really should sleep; I tell myself everyday to go to bed early. But it never happens.

This quote is so beautiful, first because it is a standard that we all should use when it comes to falling in love with someone, and second because it served as a reminder for me to wait. To wait my turn, to wait in line, and to wait, because my day will come.

Recently a few of my friends have found wonderful people to compliment them. They have found what they deserve, and that is someone to love and someone to love them for who they are. My friends are well-deserving people, all who have gone through their own journies to find someone special. They have hit wrong turns and have brushed up against some interesting characters, but needless to say when the time came, the right person was standing in their midst waiting for them.

I feel a lot of joy for my friends, as they too have been patient and have been given something much greater than they could ever ask for. But at the same time, can you blame a girl for being just a tad jealous, dissatisfied, and impatient?

Almost three years ago, I came out of a broken relationship that, in hindsight, was fuelled by lust and pure smoke and mirrors. In my brokenness coming out of it, I had jumped into another relationship that many would call as a rebound. And at the time I refused to call it that - I thought that 3 months was enough for someone "mature" like me to heal. But 3 months was just scratching the surface, and suddenly I found myself in another relationship that was loveless, problematic, and all around pointless. It was on the last day of high school that I called everything off, and I have been single ever since.

All of those wiser than me tell me that "the right guy hasn't come along yet" and that "God will provide when HE thinks you're ready". And that's slightly disheartening, because it makes me think that God has no faith in me to make my own decisions. But then again, I did rebound three months after what was the worst time of my life, so I suppose He knows and I don't.

But, this quote brings to light an excellent point: most of the time, I'm not in love. I'm just infatuated. I go through the mental checklist of appearance, personality, how he acts around my family and friends... all of those things, to an extent, matter. But most guys that fit the persona that I make my future husband out to be make my heart race. They leave an imprint in my mind and my brain starts to go wild. If I have the opportunity to talk to them, everything is heightened physically. And these feelings don't just happen once, they happen a lot. How can I be in love with every guy I meet?

Spoiler: you might get hurt if you try.

SAME. (via Giphy.com)

It's true, in the past two years I have met many incredible guys; many who have made my heart race, have occupied my thoughts and dreams, have made me smile for no reason of all and have been the subject of giggly conversations with girlfriends. But until we have reached a common level of understanding and respect for each other, I cannot claim to be "in love" the way I have been in years past. And further, there needs to be that love before I give my whole being to this person.

Keep youself open and love fully, whether it be just friends or something more. Because the more you love, I swear, the happier you will be. This infatuation will pass, and one day you'll find youself loving more than just eyes and great hair.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself Prince Charming. I'll meet you when I'm supposed to.

x R

My Brain is Overwhelmed

I should be studying for my midterms but my thoughts and words have been jumbled up in my mind for far too long. I have finally found a point of clarity so that I can jot down all of my thoughts to sum up the feelings/confusions/situations as of late. Apologies for not writing in so long and apologies also for the difference in content this time around - but  I guess hey, this did start off as a personal blog, right? And I'm learning, so I guess there is a place for that here.

1. Moving forward with my dreams.
It's no secret that writing takes up a significant portion of my life, especially during grade 12 onwards and even more so now. Writing for the student news paper and contributing to two blogs has kept me on my toes and busy (hence neglect here), and it has really inspired me to just keep thinking, observing, and writing. Even if the only person that reads my piece is the editor that edits my work, I am so grateful for the opportunity to move ahead with something that I love. I feel like I finally found my niche at school. On top of this, an added bonus is being able to work alongside some incredible people that share the same interests and love for writing as I do. Every time I see my name in print it brings me so much joy, but I remember always that there are so many people behind me that have helped me get to this point.

2. Departure from other things.
I haven't been as open about this because I am still trying to sort my feelings out. After playing piano for nearly 13 years with the intention of starting my diploma process this June, I recently found out that I am ineligible to take the path that I had prepared nearly a year and a half for. I was devastated. I can put blame on no one but myself for not looking into this sooner. But having this sudden rupture in my plan has begun to put things into perspective for me; #1, Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men has never had more weight on my life than right now, #2, I am forced now to re-evaluate my relationship with music. Before I was just emotional about it; it was really the longest relationship I had ever had with anything. But after crying about it, being frustrated and mad about it and having broken a few things, I feel like it's time to say good bye - to part of it. I still love teaching and I still love serving at Mass with music. Music once was my life and my everything, but now I'm beginning to see that it's not. And that's unfortunate, because, forget about the countless hours of preparation and practice. What really chokes me is how much my parents have invested into me. I will never be able to pay back the thousands of dollars, and I can't even come back with a parchment that shows that I made use of it. This hurts me so much. But I don't want to play anymore if it's just going to be stress. And this is what it has become for me. I really need to dig deep and refocus my view on piano, because this is toxic and I don't like it.

3. You left/Toxicity pt. 1.
Speaking of toxicity, remember always that you don't deserve to be in relationships (romantic of otherwise) that make you feel terrible. Long story short, I had a misunderstanding with you and we finally sorted it out. Those kinds of things always gave me anxiety, but I'm glad we had this talk. What is bothering me is that now you just left me behind. You're ignoring me, giving me zero eye contact, not returning my messages, etc, etc. And this was after you said - to my face - that I could rely on you if ever I needed someone. I see now that karma is quite powerful, because it's true, clinginess makes me distant. I have yet to learn how to maturely deal with people who are clingy. It's a strong character flaw, I know. I get that these things that you are doing to me now, whether or not you realize it, was probably exactly what I did to you. And that's fine, that's cool. But at least I responded when you called, even when I didn't feel like it. I helped you when you asked, even though you never thanked me. The least you could do is actually look up when I say hi. So here I am, contemplating whether or not I should just cut you off completely. Because I really don't deserve to stress out over something so irrelevant in my life.

4. I found out/Toxicity pt. 2.
I used to have incredibly strong feelings about you, to the point where I cried about you at night. And when you finally showed interest in me, I thought that I was the luckiest girl in the world. But over time, every time I saw you, I began to see parts of you unfold that I didn't understand. You didn't tell your friends about me, you were inconsistent with your affection, and I think that all you really wanted from me was someone to satisfy what you couldn't get from other girls. And that's my fault for going along with it. But here's the thing, I'm done with that because I know that I deserve better. What I did was wrong. Though I said yes then, I'm saying no now. And I came to this realization when you broke my belongings. So simple. So nit-picky of me. But if you can't treat my belongings with respect, then how do I know that you'll treat me with respect?

5. All my eggs in one basket.
I really wanted this project to work out. But it's so difficult to see all our hard work producing no results. Constant reminder to stay humble and keep trying. All in God's time.

6. "So Christmas, right?"
Have I ever mentioned how difficult it is to live with a sister - a younger sister - who has such a beautiful and strong relationship with a boy that brings out the best version of herself? I reserve the right to retract that comment until I meet him. But I don't know, I guess it's kind of a rite of passage, and being the oldest I thought that by now I would have had some kind of success and some form of long-standing, loving relationship. Mine come nowhere close to what my sister has, and there are days where I am envious and other days where I just ask God where my soulmate is. I keep asking my sister when I can meet him so that I can really see what he's like, and thank him in person for taking care of my sister and bringing a different kind of happiness into her life that is exclusive to them and different from what we as a family can give her. In the meantime, I'm still waiting.

7. Pain.
I am so thankful that I have recently begun seeing a chiropractor. The pain in my upper back has been unbearable lately, to the point where I can't sleep. But aside from pain, sleep hasn't been coming to me lately.

8. Constant reminder.
Seeing an ex-boyfriend that hurt me around campus sucks. But these deep feelings of hate that I harbour towards him is a constant reminder that I am not fully over the whole thing, thus I haven't fully forgiven him. How do you begin to forgive someone who has done unforgivable things to you? God, give me the grace to find that forgiveness. I know that the sooner I forgive him, the sooner I don't have to feel irrationally angry.

9. Lent.
Looking for that extra purpose to make Lent more meaningful this year.

10. Him.
My general like for guys always starts the same way - I can't stop thinking about him. But since I don't know where this is going to go and I don't even know if he likes me back, I'm trying my best to let things happen by themselves and focus on what is in front of me. I know that all the times I have interfered before, it has left me with disappointment. But what doesn't help is how great he is.

Thanks for bearing with me, and I promise for actual content soon.

x R

Short Stories, Poetry, Artwork and More - LYRE 7

Hello wonderful people! I have an exciting announcement for you all:

Last year I was an editor and contributor for The Lyre - an undergraduate student run literary magazine that features short stories, prose, poetry, travel logs, photography and artwork from students not just from SFU but around the world. The Lyre is run by the World Literature Student Union at SFU and I had such a wonderful time working with some awesome people on creating a literary masterpiece.

While I am not working on it this year, I will most likely be submitting pieces, and I encourage you to do the same! Submissions for all kinds of writing (short stories, prose, poetry, etc) and artwork (photography and illustrations) are open for this year's magazine, themed "Identity and Language." The deadline for all submissions is January 31, 2016.

More information can be found here!

Until next time.

x R

musings & the past, current state & first date

(Because my blog is an escape, and not a social media hehehe)

This will fall under the personal tab of things when it comes to my blog, under journal, buried feelings, stupid feelings, and love feelings and anything sentimental/illogical/dumb that comes my way.

BUT, I wanted to take time to just reminisce. To think, smile to myself, relive our moment(s), and of course, procrastinate the many, many things I should be doing but choose not to do, because I can.

Dearest blog, I haven't really been using you as a blog as of late. Hell, it's been a while since I wrote. So here we go.

1. Musings

- Currently so overwhelmed. Not feelings wise, but information overload wise. I am in this CCO faith study on campus, and we are doing the second faith study, entitled "Source". It talks all about the Holy Spirit and His power within me. Today we learned about docility - saying yes and surrendering ourselves to the mercy and power of God.
I continue to kid myself everyday when I tell myself that I know best. I know exactly what I want, when I want it, and why I want it. I basically run my life with not consideration to what God has in store for me. I guess that's why I find this 'being docile' so difficult. How do I let go of my pride and humble myself to the infinite knowledge that God has? He knows everything about me, and He knows every step I take before I take it. And he knows for a fact that the happiness that I have today may take a sharp turn south tomorrow. He knows everything, and He does everything for me, and yet I still push Him to the back burner. How do I give myself to Him, knowing that He just knows and that I just don't?

2. The past

- A year ago, I was struggling to come to terms with a boy that I thought loved me. I thought that our relationship was over. He would never text or call or message. We would never talk when we saw each other in the halls. I lost so much sleep over this boy. I would cry every night thinking that the next day he would break up with me. But I would see him each morning with the same look on his face: clueless. Clueless that I loved him so much, that I was afraid of losing him, afraid of not being able to be friends again. And yet, that still happened. I lost him. But through losing him I found a part of myself that I was missing along the way. It's cliche and all, but the pain was turned into happiness. I found myself throughout this experience.

3. Current state

- The semester is almost over. Three weeks left. Endless papers to finish writing and editing. A renowned author ripped my interview to shreds (inadvertently; I know he didn't mean to). I've lost some friends along the way but made many new ones. I am anxiously waiting on a new job. So I guess it's just the usual, mixed up emotions but nevertheless, very happy. I am happier than I was a year ago.

4. First date

I haven't felt this way in a long time. I can't describe how you make me feel. You are nothing like anyone that I have ever known, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. You are so genuine, so mature and so kind. Being with you gives me a sense of belonging and warmth, and even though I miss you, I finally feel like I have grown mature enough to find the balance between you and my life. I can't wait to grow with you and learn more about you.
btw, does you paying for our lunch make it a first date?? what about you making the first move??

I promise I will have more intellectual things to say soon. Cheers!

x R

Seemingly Pointless Post at 9PM

I realize now the sheer volume of tasks at hand. The choices that I have are many, the opportunities are vast, and yet my time is little.

It felt like just yesterday when I was walking into a university lecture hall for the first time, thinking about my uneasiness and how it was going to be difficult to start from scratch again. Familiar faces were missing from this environment of "school" that I had been so used to all my life.

As I moved through the motions, this new place became my new home. Peoples' faces began to solidify in my memory, and to my happiness, they remembered me too. The work load took me by surprise, and the expectation has jumped up suddenly. I always knew that one day, I would have to be responsible for my own learning and future, I just did not expect it to hit me so quickly.

I am not sure what the point of the post is, to be honest with you. I am currently swamped in between a two research papers, a creative assignment and (yet another) Stats midterm. I feel like my past life in high school was too easy, for lack of a better word. During the time that I went through the tasks at hand, it was a big deal. What once was a big deal has now become something in my periphery and now I am taking new tasks head on.

I found this new stride, this new happiness, that I did not find in high school. I used to think that high school was my prime, the only time in my life when I would be happy. As graduation came, I was scared to leave despite the bravado that I had when I found out that I would be going to SFU.

So I suppose I found my point;

What's happening right now, it will pass.

You are stronger than you think.

You can overcome every mountain, every storm, every enemy.

Never strive for less than what you deserve, which is happiness.

Keep on fighting, never stop believing.

I wish I had someone whispering these mantras in my ear when I was going through seemingly tough issues when I was in high school. At the same time, I am thankful for the suffering and the obstacles that had appeared in my path.

You learn so much through suffering, through pain, through sorrow. Remember that God is always with you through it all. It is through the suffering that God asks us to pray, to discern. He will never leave you. Never forget what you went through, and remember that it does get better.

"God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, and makes me tread upon the heights."

- Habakkuk 3:17

So keep holding on (thanks Avril), never stop fighting and always keep believing. And spill ink while you do. I promise that future posts will have more purpose :) Midterms are still happening, so... soon. In the mean time, check out the Student Life Network blog for some posts of mine!

x R 

 

Here's to Grad 14

There is so much joy in my heart, coming from the depths of my soul and exploding before me in waves of pure euphoria.

Despite the trials, the tribulations, the suffering and pain, God has given me the power to divide, conquer and pull through, and here we are, after grad, and I have never felt happier.

I am so proud of my fellow graduates - those I have known for years, those I have just gotten to know in the past few months. Those that I talk to on the daily, those I used to spend time with and those that I pass with a smile in the halls. We are filled to the brim with so much potential, with our blessings growing exponentially, and there is so much in store for us.

Now we are in the home stretch, ready to close off a chapter of my life that had once seemed impossible to comprehend and complete. But here we are, at the face of a new adventure. Here's to a life full of love and joy and exhilaration.

#gradxiv

Be good, be kind, and spill more ink. Only 20 days left! :)