Where Do I Belong?

I've been doing a lot of thinking (possibly overthinking), and I want to attribute it to the fact that I am now 20. Or maybe, thinking is the wrong word and it's more reflecting.

Let's go with that - reflecting.

I've been thinking a lot about friendship, a concept that is so valuable to me and I would hope to everyone. In life, friendship is the one thing that keeps us all going. Without friends, I don't know where I would be in life.

When I was younger, I used to think that I was only allowed to have one best friend, or at most, only one group of close friends. I could be friendly and nice to other people, but they would never be as close to me as the group that I had chosen to be my best friends. I know, it's a strange way to think, but as I grew up, I found that I wasn't the only one that thought in that way.

(Or in English, my friend to the end)

So there I was, I had that tight knit friendship with girls that, to this day, I still admire for who they are. We had the type of relationships as young girls that enabled us to talk to each other about anything. We would fantasize the moments when we would finally grow up into women, our future weddings and who would be in the wedding party (and fight over who would be who's maid of honour), talk about how our children would have playdates and who would carpool when. It was these kinds of imaginative and innocent discussions that led me and my friends to believe that we would never separate - we would be best friends for life.

We were, for a while anyway. Even towards the end of elementary school, I noticed bonds unraveling and new bonds forming. I felt so awful that my friends and I were drifting apart and that I was befriending new people. And this was the refrain all throughout high school and now into the phase of life that I am in now.

High school was interesting, because despite the fact that I had friends to make life bearable, I never felt like I truly belonged in any group. There were always discussions I would miss, and inside jokes that I would never fully understand. I constantly asked myself where I belonged - was it this group, or that group? Who were my true friends? Did I even have any to account for?

I came to a couple conclusions as a result of my nights of thinking and thinking and thinking some more. It really dawned on me when I had a discussion about friendship with a friend that I have now that friendship evolves constantly. By virtue of the fact that humans change constantly, so too do our relationships. And it's not the fault of anyone; it just happens. Sometimes, we can't stop these changes from happening. But just because our friendships change or even end, it doesn't mean that completely cut them out from our lives.

My friend had been dealing with changes in her relationship with a friend that she had - she felt like she was growing up and that her friend wasn't. What's a person to do when the other friend isn't really on the same page?

Friendship knits together people of different experiences and backgrounds, and that's what makes each friendship so unique and beautiful. It helps you to learn more about the world and gain new perspective through the lens of the other person. If we befriended clones of ourselves, we might get super bored with them and ourselves! We need that difference, that friction, to keep life interesting.

What I realize now is that true friends are the ones that bring that new perspective into my life. There were people in my time in high school that really helped me see things in a new light, and through that I am very blessed to still have them in my life.

But I think the biggest struggle that I have been dealing with was just the fact that one of my closest friends has changed, and so have I. And I have begun to accept the fact that it's okay. Ultimately, friendship is supposed to build you up. You are supposed to feel comfortable with that person, and feel like you can open up to them about anything and not feel like you are being judged.

At this point in my life, I have finally found not only where I belonged but also the friends that help me to feel like I belong there. Friendship changes constantly, and that's okay. If you value a friendship enough, take the time to put the effort in to make it last in the long haul. But ultimately, as with any relationship, remember that it is a two way street. Put your whole heart in and make the effort and time, and hopefully the other person does the same.

Friendship is what helps life become more bearable and fun - find those friends that help you to be your best at all times, calls you out on your bullshit and ultimately makes you feel good.

PS, the title references a song by David Myles, who is one of my all time favourite artists. And, AND, he's Canadian! Check out the song "Where Do I Belong", and the rest of his new EP here!

x R

We're Not Breaking Up, Just Changing it Up

Put quite simply, life happens. Things change, people grow up, and life moves on whether you are ready for it or not. And the great thing is, even though I don't have any clue what my life is going to be like or what tomorrow brings, I have to keep reminding myself that that is okay.

It's crucial to set goals, have some blueprint of a plan and ambition so that you aren't wasting time and going forth into life bravely but blindly. Planning ahead will pay off, I promise - but the one thing I need to change is rigidity.

Change sucks for me. Failure is even worse than that. And though I have failed time and time again, I constantly get caught off guard, despite the fact that I've come to this same conclusion many times before.

In my most recent post (that is not so recent anymore, I'm sorry!!!) I discussed in brief my current relationship with music and piano in particular. I had plenty of great ambitions and a solid timeline that I wanted to meet. But most of all, like many narcissistic beings, I wanted something to show my worth. I needed something that would validate all of my hard work - something physical, something tangible, something that screamed "You did it and you rock".

In piano and some other instruments, that gold standard came with an Associate of the Royal Conservatory of Music  diploma. Since I began taking exams at the age of 9, I was dead set on one day walking across the stage in the purple regalia to get that diploma. At that point I was also set on spending the rest of my life doing music. Music was something I loved, and I wanted nothing more than to teach for the rest of my life.

Life changed, things happened, and I began to see that something was not quite right. I loved music and still do, don't get me wrong. But other things began to crop up that weren't really playing to my favour. After an incredibly awful experience at a festival, I sat back from it weeks later and thought about it. I thought about it a lot. 

We can all assume that after that experience, it didn't make piano attractive for me at all. And I know, we all fall down sometimes and we have accept the failures before we can move onto the triumphs. But in other aspects of life, I got the failure part and I worked hard to make sure that those failures didn't repeat themselves. With piano, I stopped. I felt like I was hitting a brick wall and I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

It wasn't until very recently that I radically changed the course of my path, with a story too technical and long to go in depth here. It hurt so much to step back and humbly accept the fact that what I had been telling people - the goal that I had advertised for years - had to be revised. I felt like I let so many people down, including myself, and that I couldn't go out into the world with the confidence that I once had. Because if this is what happens with something that was such an integral part of my life, what's going to happen when I don't find myself behind the news desk?

This aspect of humility was something that my parents told me time and time again when I was fighting to figure out what I wanted to do with my relationship with piano. And of course, parents are ALWAYS right. But today the truth that my parents had told me all along was brought to me in a different way, and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There was a guy that I knew that made his mind up about a lot of things, and his measure of success was dependent on achieving certain "checkpoints". For him, his gold standard was medical school. He worked tirelessly all throughout high school to get high grades, and for a while, that was all he focused on. He was a bit cocky about things too, telling his ambition to everyone and looking down on other people and what he presumed to be "lesser achievements".

Today, however, I saw a different side of him, admittedly the first time that I ever felt sympathy towards him. He confided in me the trouble he was having: his classes were mentally and physically draining, he wasn't pulling the marks he wanted, he was having trouble sleeping and he even cried to his parents about it. He then said with some uncharacteristic resignation that he might just scrap med school altogether. And despite the bias that I had held about this guy for the longest time, for once in my life, I felt sad for him. I felt sympathetic, and on some weird level, I related to him. His struggle was my struggle, and suddenly the universe shifted.

Like at mentioned at the outset, goals are important to guide your focus and give you motivation. But just the way that trips sometimes go awry and performances bring up surprises, you need to learn to go with it and improvise: don't throw your whole plan out the window and start again from square one, but also remember to never be afraid to fail and make a change.

This is a lifelong concept that I know that I will struggle to contend with when something else crops up in the future. Our plans are not ours alone - they're His.

x R

My Brain is Overwhelmed

I should be studying for my midterms but my thoughts and words have been jumbled up in my mind for far too long. I have finally found a point of clarity so that I can jot down all of my thoughts to sum up the feelings/confusions/situations as of late. Apologies for not writing in so long and apologies also for the difference in content this time around - but  I guess hey, this did start off as a personal blog, right? And I'm learning, so I guess there is a place for that here.

1. Moving forward with my dreams.
It's no secret that writing takes up a significant portion of my life, especially during grade 12 onwards and even more so now. Writing for the student news paper and contributing to two blogs has kept me on my toes and busy (hence neglect here), and it has really inspired me to just keep thinking, observing, and writing. Even if the only person that reads my piece is the editor that edits my work, I am so grateful for the opportunity to move ahead with something that I love. I feel like I finally found my niche at school. On top of this, an added bonus is being able to work alongside some incredible people that share the same interests and love for writing as I do. Every time I see my name in print it brings me so much joy, but I remember always that there are so many people behind me that have helped me get to this point.

2. Departure from other things.
I haven't been as open about this because I am still trying to sort my feelings out. After playing piano for nearly 13 years with the intention of starting my diploma process this June, I recently found out that I am ineligible to take the path that I had prepared nearly a year and a half for. I was devastated. I can put blame on no one but myself for not looking into this sooner. But having this sudden rupture in my plan has begun to put things into perspective for me; #1, Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men has never had more weight on my life than right now, #2, I am forced now to re-evaluate my relationship with music. Before I was just emotional about it; it was really the longest relationship I had ever had with anything. But after crying about it, being frustrated and mad about it and having broken a few things, I feel like it's time to say good bye - to part of it. I still love teaching and I still love serving at Mass with music. Music once was my life and my everything, but now I'm beginning to see that it's not. And that's unfortunate, because, forget about the countless hours of preparation and practice. What really chokes me is how much my parents have invested into me. I will never be able to pay back the thousands of dollars, and I can't even come back with a parchment that shows that I made use of it. This hurts me so much. But I don't want to play anymore if it's just going to be stress. And this is what it has become for me. I really need to dig deep and refocus my view on piano, because this is toxic and I don't like it.

3. You left/Toxicity pt. 1.
Speaking of toxicity, remember always that you don't deserve to be in relationships (romantic of otherwise) that make you feel terrible. Long story short, I had a misunderstanding with you and we finally sorted it out. Those kinds of things always gave me anxiety, but I'm glad we had this talk. What is bothering me is that now you just left me behind. You're ignoring me, giving me zero eye contact, not returning my messages, etc, etc. And this was after you said - to my face - that I could rely on you if ever I needed someone. I see now that karma is quite powerful, because it's true, clinginess makes me distant. I have yet to learn how to maturely deal with people who are clingy. It's a strong character flaw, I know. I get that these things that you are doing to me now, whether or not you realize it, was probably exactly what I did to you. And that's fine, that's cool. But at least I responded when you called, even when I didn't feel like it. I helped you when you asked, even though you never thanked me. The least you could do is actually look up when I say hi. So here I am, contemplating whether or not I should just cut you off completely. Because I really don't deserve to stress out over something so irrelevant in my life.

4. I found out/Toxicity pt. 2.
I used to have incredibly strong feelings about you, to the point where I cried about you at night. And when you finally showed interest in me, I thought that I was the luckiest girl in the world. But over time, every time I saw you, I began to see parts of you unfold that I didn't understand. You didn't tell your friends about me, you were inconsistent with your affection, and I think that all you really wanted from me was someone to satisfy what you couldn't get from other girls. And that's my fault for going along with it. But here's the thing, I'm done with that because I know that I deserve better. What I did was wrong. Though I said yes then, I'm saying no now. And I came to this realization when you broke my belongings. So simple. So nit-picky of me. But if you can't treat my belongings with respect, then how do I know that you'll treat me with respect?

5. All my eggs in one basket.
I really wanted this project to work out. But it's so difficult to see all our hard work producing no results. Constant reminder to stay humble and keep trying. All in God's time.

6. "So Christmas, right?"
Have I ever mentioned how difficult it is to live with a sister - a younger sister - who has such a beautiful and strong relationship with a boy that brings out the best version of herself? I reserve the right to retract that comment until I meet him. But I don't know, I guess it's kind of a rite of passage, and being the oldest I thought that by now I would have had some kind of success and some form of long-standing, loving relationship. Mine come nowhere close to what my sister has, and there are days where I am envious and other days where I just ask God where my soulmate is. I keep asking my sister when I can meet him so that I can really see what he's like, and thank him in person for taking care of my sister and bringing a different kind of happiness into her life that is exclusive to them and different from what we as a family can give her. In the meantime, I'm still waiting.

7. Pain.
I am so thankful that I have recently begun seeing a chiropractor. The pain in my upper back has been unbearable lately, to the point where I can't sleep. But aside from pain, sleep hasn't been coming to me lately.

8. Constant reminder.
Seeing an ex-boyfriend that hurt me around campus sucks. But these deep feelings of hate that I harbour towards him is a constant reminder that I am not fully over the whole thing, thus I haven't fully forgiven him. How do you begin to forgive someone who has done unforgivable things to you? God, give me the grace to find that forgiveness. I know that the sooner I forgive him, the sooner I don't have to feel irrationally angry.

9. Lent.
Looking for that extra purpose to make Lent more meaningful this year.

10. Him.
My general like for guys always starts the same way - I can't stop thinking about him. But since I don't know where this is going to go and I don't even know if he likes me back, I'm trying my best to let things happen by themselves and focus on what is in front of me. I know that all the times I have interfered before, it has left me with disappointment. But what doesn't help is how great he is.

Thanks for bearing with me, and I promise for actual content soon.

x R

Seek Out Your Potential, Not Theirs

Lately I have become really disappointed in myself. Not because it's day 10 of 2016 and I fell through on my new year's resolutions. Not because I cheated on my diet (because, what diet?). And it's not because I'm feeling down on life - in fact, I'm feeling way more optimistic about it than I ever was.

I came to a realization the other day that I have been going about my relationships the wrong way. In short, I've been too busy seeking out other people's potential and seeing how they can serve me. Particularly, that of my relationships with guys. Let me explain further.

I've been single for as long as I remember, and I'm not complaining. There are a lot of great things that you can do when you're single - a lot of self-reflection, me time, hanging out with good friends and focusing on things like wellness, school, and career aspirations. But of course, having a significant other is great for other reasons - a plus one for different events you may be going to, a personal cheerleader, someone to be intimate with and someone to help you grow to be the best person you can be.

(You go, Adele. from giphy.com)

                 
So being single and seeing friends in long term, successful relationship - or just seeing relationships in my midst - makes me wish that I had someone to call my own as well. And what has made me disappointment in myself are the thoughts that I have about new people that I meet.

It happens so quickly that I don't notice it. This probably means that it has happened a lot over time, and because of it, my brain has created a shortcut once a trigger occurs. The minute I shake hands with a guy I run through a mental checklist - "great eyes", "nice smile", "funny", "firm handshake", "awesome style", "hey, he's Catholic too!" - a checklist that I have used, over and over again, to determine the 'potential' of a guy.

Namely, the potential of going the distance and potentially becoming my plus one.

OH MY GOODNESS RACHEL WHY ??????

(.... - from giphy.com)

                 
I had this realization when I shook hands with a new guy at the beginning of the semester. He was tall, dark hair and dark skin, good looking and was pursuing a degree in Economics. All the check marks were going off (and he was pretty charming too), but I was making assumptions even before we really got to know each other. And then it hit me: was I considering him as 'the one'?

This really started to mess me up, because as I met more and more guys, the feelings were the same and the criteria was flying around in my mind. And it was awful, because I couldn't stop thinking about these things and how they stacked up against other guys that I knew.

But worst of all, I was more concerned about what they could do for me, when instead, I should be focusing on what I can do for others - guys AND girls, young and old.

I kept asking what these guys could do for me. For example, I would weigh the pros and cons. Okay, so he's not as cute as (insert name here), but he is quite intelligent. And he's tall, so when we walk we'd look cute...

UGH WHY

I am single for a reason, and it is no fault of the male population. I am single not because I haven't found the right guy to achieve the highest score on Rachel's Ultimate Guy test or fulfill all the criteria on my check list. I am single because I am simply not ready. God knows that, and I'm starting to see that as well.

(You will catch all the spiders, my dear. from http://smileslovesyou.tumblr.com/post/77389479933)

Being single should be an opportunity for me to learn new things, grow in maturity and to learn independence. I should be preparing for the commitments that will come my way when the time (and the right person) comes along. We are all given these opportunities at different times, depending on our life paths and what we are capable of.

I crave for the moment when I can finally tell someone that I love them and have them reciprocate those same feelings. But each day shouldn't be driven by the quest to find 'the one'. Each day should be driven by my quest to become a better person so that I can offer my best self to someone in the near (or not so near) future. And once I find that person, our days together should be driven by challenging each other to get better and better.

Until then, I will wait patiently and keep my heart open.

Yours (well, not quite),

x R

                                          

Don't Let Them Hide You

"He is the love of my life."

Or so I thought at the time. You know those people that you have "forever crushes" on? The ones that you liked a lot at one point, but then you realized how dumb it was, but you continued holding onto the feelings in hopes of a someday? 

That was my life for the past 3 years or so.

(Same. from giphy.com)

                                 

Aaron* was the first person who I felt was much more mature and different from all the other guys that I had liked previous. Maybe it was the fact that he was a little older that I had a different feeling about him. But of course, with him being older I had shut my own dreams down prematurely. I had already decided that he probably would want nothing to do with someone who was younger than him. After all, there were already girls his own age chasing after him, so there would be no contest: I wouldn't win, ever.

So I gave up, but the feelings continued. There is something about "forbidden love" and admiration from afar. I dreamed at night about the day that we would finally be together and how awesome it would be. And for a while, it seemed to go my way: he began to take notice of me and we began talking and getting to know each other. It continued until we were separated, although temporarily. But despite the age difference and the separation, we made it work and son after we began hanging out with each other; not everyday or every week, but every few months. It sucked, but I saw him. And it wasn't just one-sided: he wanted to spend time with me too.

At one point I told him that I liked him and that I wanted to pursue something more than friends. And being the rational person that he was, he said that he 1) wasn't ready to date someone yet and 2) wasn't sure if "us" would work out, being that we were at different stages of our lives. As much as that hurt, I understood and went along with it. It made me sad to think that he didn't want me at the moment, but I moved on and things worked out between us... sort of.

We would see each other every so often on a very irregular basis. With each time he saw me, Aaron would get a little more adventurous. He would always tell me that what we had - our friendship - was strictly just a friendship and nothing more. He always said that he didn't deserve someone like me and that I was too perfect/beautiful/good to date someone terrible like him. And I would tell him the opposite; that he wasn't terrible at all. In fact, he made me happy, he listened to me whenever I was down and he supported me through a lot of hard times.

But the trouble was his "adventurous" side, which entailed hand holding, cuddling and even occasional kisses. The thing was, we weren't together. He wasn't my boyfriend. Neither of us were seeing anyone and both single. But deep down, something didn't feel right.

On top of this, Aaron had very confusing mannerisms. He would want to hold hands in public, but if we walked through an area where he suspected that he would see someone he knew, he let go. If we saw his friends, he would ask me to walk away from him so that "they wouldn't ask questions". If we went to a restaurant or a store where his friends worked, he wouldn't introduce me. And when he drove me home, he would always drop me off a block away from my house just so that my parents couldn't ask him any questions.

But after all these weird things were done, he would come back to hug me, hold my hand, and lace his texts with hearts and kissing faces. Who he was in public with me was very different than who he was in private.

Despite realizing all these little nuances, I let this persist. I let him use me and I let him change his mind about different things. I would obey his command to walk ten steps behind him, get off a block away in the pouring rain, and even to kiss him. He wasn't my boyfriend and I wasn't his girlfriend, so in reality he doesn't really have that kind of power over me - and yet, in some weird way, he did.

The worst part was the fact that he would always say "I love you". After a relationship gone extremely wrong and a horrific breakup, I have always had difficulty saying that phrase. Even innocently to my friends or to my family members (whom I love so, so much), I can't bring myself to say it out loud. So hearing him say that to me, even though I know that it means nothing to him whatsoever, hurts. And I would never say it back to him. I would only smile or nod, and then he would always say "You know what I mean... it's so difficult to explain my appreciation for you, so I just say that I love you."

It wasn't until I was lying in bed the night after our most recent outing that I called bullshit. Sure, he might appreciate me and really enjoy my company, but it's not really that difficult to explain appreciation. "Thank you" is a really good place to start.

But being manipulative and using loaded phrases like "I love you" isn't a good way to do it, especially when you turn it into an empty phrase with no meaning whatsoever.

Of course, I know that this is not all Aaron's fault. The fact that I bought into this the first couple times, being the naive girl that I am, is all on me. I let this persist and I let it continue to happen, so for that, I take responsibility.

 

(whoa. from http://thoughtsonlifeandlove.com/abusive-relationships-2/\)                                      

Unfortunately, this kind of thing happens in actual relationships. If left alone and not confronted, this could lead to emotional abuse, something that is just as terrible as physical abuse. 

I know that I'm not one to say how you should be in a relationship (because let's face it, I'm still single and have been for a gazillion years!), but what I have learned from the ones I have been in and my interactions with different people is that we all have a right to feel comfortable in our own skin and be treated with respect by everyone. And especially in a relationship, you shouldn't be hidden - you should be shown off.

My mom always told me that if you're dating someone who is being very "shady" and doesn't show you off to their family and friends, then you should raise a red flag. Those that truly love you will want to tell the world about you. There is a difference between waiting for the right time and perpetually evading the topic. 

Essentially, someone that is hiding you from their life doesn't truly love you. And that is the kicker. So many times we think that this is a phase that he/she will grow out of, and because you love them you agree with them and go along with it. But what about what you think? Don't you get a say in the relationship? Why are they constantly suggesting that you don't meet their family or don't meet their friends, and why do they constantly get their way?

I had suggested one time that I meet Aaron's parents, and he quickly shut it down by saying that they were extremely busy. The same went for his brother (whom I had seen around a couple times), to which he told me that he didn't want his brother asking any questions.

I couldn't understand what he was hiding, because I was 99% positive that I wasn't his girlfriend.

(It's over. from giphy,com)

If you're not sure about a relationship, then don't make any sudden moves. Don't say misleading things and definitely don't act like that person is under your power. All the same, if you find yourself in a similar situation, you have every right to walk out. It's going to hurt to cut that person out of your life after a lot of invested time, but you have got to start some time.

I'm not saying that I am going to cut him, cold turkey, from my life. But I do know that I deserve more respect and that I should be putting more time into myself and surrounding myself around people that will not hide me.

And you should too.

Cheers,

x R 

*Name changed

Bieber and His Philosophical Song

I never thought that a Justin Bieber song would get me thinking so deeply. Well played, Bieber.

If you haven't heard already, Bieber's latest song "What Do You Mean" literally calls out every single indecisive person, which is almost everyone at some point.

Though I am not a Bieber fan, I must admit that the song is not only catchy and infectious but it also draws an interesting point. What does he mean with this song? I can imagine him saying this to his current girl du jour, who is probably an indecisive person as well. 

As humans we have this amazing power to manipulate our words to the point where there is a massive disconnect between what we say and how we say it, or how we portray it. I am only starting to realize how eerily close this sounds to my mom, but I suppose there is a lot of validity to it.

The truth is, it's not just a girl thing or just a guy thing. We are all indecisive and manipulative creatures. We don't really know what we want or what we mean. When I first heard this song, I got really defensive and offended against his lyrics: "What do you mean / when you nod your head yes, but you're telling me no". I kept telling myself that I don't do that. To quote James 5:12, "Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no', 'no'". Such simple words really shouldn't be manipulated, but the more I thought about it, I began to crumple at the fact that my 'yes' wasn't truly a 'yes'.

I spent a lot of time in immature relationships where I was incredibly immature and indecisive. I craved the attention and the "love" that a boyfriend could offer me, but I also wanted space and independence. At the beginning of relationships, when everything is so young and new, all I wanted to do was to spend every waking moment with my boyfriend. As the relationship progressed I began to feel choked and craved space. But when I felt my importance in his life begin to fade, I would start to act out and start pulling these one liners that Bieber is complaining about in his song: "You want me to stay, but you're telling me to go." Looking back on my experiences now, I was pretty much a nightmare. I wanted these boys to be mine, but I wanted them to make sure that they knew that I had a life. At the same time, they couldn't have a life. And if I couldn't have them, no one could.

I SHAKE MY HEAD at my young and naive thinking. And unfortunately, this phenomenon of opposite meaning is growing and growing.

(giphy.com)

                                 

The growing use of social media and communication through screens has perpetuated bit of a problem on our hands, literally. It is so difficult to detect sarcasm or "true meanings" when you are texting, and yet so many people still choose to communicate mostly through text. I am totally guilty of this, and I don't think that my habits will ever change. But at the same time, I value the realness that face to face conversation brings us.

I began my studies in communications this year at school, and I have to say that it is quite fascinating to learn about how we communicate. The reason that oral culture, or speaking face to face, is regarded as "more real" is purely out of the fact that we can learn so much more from what the other person is saying. When you see the person, you can really hear their intonation: the way their voice goes up or down, added emphasis on certain words or phrases. You can also watch their body language, which tells us so much more than the words they say. You can see their facial expression change as the words are said and more words are heard. Obviously none of this is really possible when you are texting. You can't here the inflection in their voice or see their fists clench up or eyes draw downwards. We are constantly left guessing and interpreting texts. What do they mean? Are they joking, or are they actually serious?

This is why there is such a great need for oral culture to exist. Can you imagine if wedding vows were done via text message? The thought of it sounds absurd - but yet, it seems so possible. Certain institutions, like that of marriage, still remain as something that requires face to face communication to show emotion and sincerity. The same goes with apologies, or breaking up with someone. I guess that's why I get so upset when people apologize over a text message, or break up with someone via a Facebook message. Where is the sincerity? You just typed two words and sent them into the universe. It is so easy, almost too easy, to escape from your responsibility. I'm not saying that we shame people when they apologize in person. Apologizing in person and breaking up in person is something very, very difficult to do - I've been there both times. At the same time, I have been apologized to and broken up with over text messages, and they both hurt immensely. There is no closure or realness to it. When you do these things over text, even something as simple as "I'm sorry" or "it's over" can be left to interpretation - especially when your emotions are running high and your mind is running at a million miles a minute.

(giphy.com)

All of these seems so simple, and yet we constantly see fights happening over miscommunication and misunderstandings. We need to make sure that we know exactly what we mean before we say (or post.. or text) anything. In a world where our minds are so hyperactive and is constantly being bombarded with information, we have become almost "philosophical" in a way that constantly over think everything. 

It's going to be difficult for me to dial back my over thinking mind and relying less on text conversations, but I hope that we all wake up and find a happy medium, somehow.

So thank you Justin Bieber, for spurring these thoughts inside of me. Keep having face to face conversations - they were the original way to socialize!

PS - I promise to have a Rachel Reacts up soon!! Thanks for bearing with me!

Until next time,

x R

Rachel Reacts: Body Shaming (And Other Things)

Hey everyone, sorry for the hiatus! School is now back in session and it's been really weird, getting back into the flow of going to school and studying after I had been off for over 4 months. While I know that my time will be taken up by school, music, work and other activities, I wanted to make sure that I continually write, whether it be contributing to various blogs, writing poetry and of course, writing here! I also wanted to make it a habit of keeping up with current events and what is going on around me, which is why I am starting this new "section" or "tag" entitled "Rachel Reacts". This is basically me continually writing while keeping up with what is happening around me, even if that means keeping up with the Kardashians (but I promise I won't bore you with that stuff!)

I aim to be doing this every other week as consistently and humanly possible. Each time I will go over 5 things that I have read, watched, or stumbled across. For the most part, it is really  opinions on current events, popular culture and life in general, but I will try and throw some fun in there as well.

Without further ado, I present to you the first installment of Rachel Reacts to...

1/ ... Body Shaming

(from giphy.com)

 My initial thought to this? It sucks. The whole concept sucks and should cease to exist. We unfortunately live in a society where our looks dictate the kind of success that we will attain in life. Why should our size matter? Why should our skin colour matter? Why do people care how I dress, what size jeans I wear, or whether or not my eyebrows are on point? Are we as humans really this shallow? I bring this up because I, like many, have watched Canadian comedian Nicole Arbour's video "Dear Fat People". In it, she explicitly calls out fat people for being the way that they are, and that they are bigger in size because of laziness. It was extremely uncomfortable to watch, but I guess in some ways it was like a car accident, you can't stop watching it. And the worst part? When confronted about the video, she calls YouTube out on "censoring" her and plays it off like the entire thing is a satire. Hate is not the same thing as satire, my dear. We can't judge people based on physical appearance. Whether you are fat, skinny, tall or short, love yourself. Your confidence is your most beautiful asset, and you are so, so loved.

Note: the video has explicit language. 


2/  ... Election 42

(forums.canadiancontent.net)

I am a 19 year old Canadian citizen. I am allowed to vote in the upcoming federal election. But this three way race between Harper, Trudeau and Mulcair (and let's not forget Green Party Leader Elizabeth May) has left me more confused than ever. Admittedly, I have no idea who to vote for. My understanding on the issues is, in a word, limited. I have conflicting thoughts and voices in my head with flying words like "deficit" and "taxes" and "free tuition" (wait, free tuition?) and "he's just not ready." I'll tell you who else is not ready: me. I guess we'll see where this goes and who I'll be voting for next month.

3/ ... The Ongoing SFU vs. UBC Competition

(forum.canucks.com)

I am proud to be an SFU student. I also have many reasons as to why I chose to go to SFU to pursue my post secondary education over other post secondary institutions like UBC. But I really can't wrap my head around the ever present misconception that UBC is better than SFU. I have high respect for people that go there and for people that have graduated from UBC - it is a great school, no doubt, ranking at number 40 on the 2015 Academic Ranking of World Universities . In terms of strictly Canadian universities, UBC comes in at second place just after the University of Toronto. SFU comes in at number 10. But at the end of the day, do these rankings and numbers really matter? I think that we should all focus on what is ahead of us - that is, work hard at your degree, regardless of where you are studying. In the end, all the doctors have goals to help the same patients. The engineers will be working on our city structures. The journalists will be reporting on the same issues. Work hard and succeed; don't let rankings and expectations bog you down. As long as you do your best, you will find your niche, succeed and get your degree.

4/ ... "I'm Fine"

(giphy.com)

Are you? Are you really? The simple phrase of "I'm fine" has become a cultural phenomenon that literally has begun to mean the opposite of what it is. It is probably the most common little white lie that people use, sometimes subconsciously, on a daily basis. I know that as a girl, I am totally guilty of saying that even though I am not. I guess in some respects, we say "I'm fine" because we are seeking attention. We want people to pry into our lives and figure out what is wrong, all while keeping ourselves guarded and not letting anyone else in. I realize now the frustrations that this can bring about. I am currently dealing with someone who used that against me last week - saying that they are fine and all - but it is so obvious that they aren't. The one thing that my two classes of communications has taught me that our non-verbal communication is so much greater than our verbal, making the phrase "I'm fine" total BS if we can't portray that in our body language. I get it though, sometimes we just don't want to talk. But I hope my friend knows that I'm available to talk and offer support. And if I offended him, that I'm sorry. And if he is having a bad day, then I hope that things get better.

5/ ... Pumpkin Spice Lattes

(giphy.com)

YES. It's Pumpkin Spice Latte season!! And I have no shame in admitting that I love them. I guess it's because I love cinnamon and allspice and all those lovely fall spices. My love for pumpkin pie actually came from this drink, no joke. You can get it hot or in frappe form... and the best part? You can even get it iced! Now, do yourself a favour and get yourself one...and click the link on the title!

That's all from me! I'll try my hardest to make this a bi-weekly thing and continue to write, but until then, I'll be enjoying Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

Love yourself and be kind!

x R

Self-Conscious, Superficial and Insecure

Just to recap, the Lower Mainland was hit with a massive wind and rain storm that left many people without power for the whole weekend. My family was included in that power outage. But, to add to our misadventures, we couldn't get back into our house, leaving us to stay with my godmother for the night.

Obviously, the situation is not ideal. We were caught off guard, with only the clothes on our backs and the money in our wallets. Thankfully, everything resolved itself and we were all safe. I am so thankful that my godmother had let us stay with her overnight and that we had friends to help us get back into our home so that we didn't have to wander around town another night.

But I came to a revelation, a small but sad one.

I didn't know that blustery wind and the torrential downpour would result in a whirlwind weekend excursion when I woke up on Saturday morning. As we went through the day, everything was going fine until I got ready to go to sleep that night.

I realized that I had no make up to wear the next day.

(from giphy.com)

And yes, you have my permission to scoff at my superficiality and non-existent fears. But hear me out.

I woke up the next morning with red splotches, acne scars and barely there eye brows. I was so used to relying on a little moisturizer, foundation and an eyebrow pencil to wake up my face. Unfortunately for me, my morning routine was cut short as I brushed my teeth and hair.

So I walked through my day - church, lunch, walk with my godmother and the mall - and felt self conscious about everything. My eyebrows were invisible. My acne scars were larger than they were. The redness was not going away. My skin looks dry and I look incredibly tired.

But after my fifth bout of feeling sorry for myself and looking at myself in the mirror, I began to realize how incredibly superficial I was being.

My personality and who I am is not defined by how flawless my face looks. I define myself through what I say and how I act. I should be proud and confident in myself, make up or not.

And I suppose this is where my insecurity lies. I still am dependent on make up to make me feel better about myself. This is not to say that I am hating on make up or not wearing it ever again - you have no idea how happy I was to have it available to me this morning. But on the flip side, make up should be a nice to have and a way to enhance my natural features, not my lifeline. 

(AMIRIGHT?! - from giphy.com)

Being so exposed to social media and pop culture on a daily basis, it is easy to be persuaded that you are not good enough or that you need to be like the models in magazines or on TV to feel good about myself. It is easy to complain about our "flaw-ful" features and compare it to that of the unattainable and somewhat impossible standards that the media has bombarded us with.

Adding to my shame, I remember a video that I saw on Facebook about a Youtuber who runs a make up channel, My Pale Skin. There was a video that was titled something shocking - "You Look Disgusting" - and it tugged at my heartstrings and my attention.

The video came about when this girl named Em began posting no make up pictures of herself to her social media. This resulted in mean comments directed at her, along the lines of "you look disgusting", "you are so ugly", and other nasty stuff like that. But even when she does her make up - and she looks beautiful regardless - the comments (which are pulled from her social media) continue to take a disrespectful turn.

How superficial are we as a society? How demanding and self-centered are we? The standards that we have come to swear by are impossible, and we not only hold each other to such standards but ourselves as well. It has become a never ending race to becoming the perfect human being.

But here's the thing - we may not be perfect, and perhaps never will be. At the same time, though, we are perfect in our own ways.

This is a struggle for me to live with everyday, because I am my own worst critic. I tell myself that I need to lose weight, tone my arms, and learn how to apply makeup better. But all of this self-deprecation becomes tiring and worse, is unhealthy for me. And it's unhealthy for you too!

Being healthy, living and breathing should be the things in life that we are grateful for. If we are not truly happy about that, is there anything in life that we can truly be happy about?

Keep using makeup and making yourself look pretty, but remind yourself that it's not the be all or end all. And as cliched as this sounds, you are amazing, just the way you are.

Thanks, Bruno Mars.

Here is the video from My Pale Skin - while it is difficult to watch, it definitely is a must see:

x R

How One Guy Changed My World

"Don't let love change you, let it help you to grow and change from the growth." 

I heard that somewhere before, and it always resonated with me. Now for the life of me, I can't remember where I got it from. However, I never really understood it until I met one boy that changed me - literally.

I grew up with a bit of an inferiority complex, that most likely came about from childhood bullying. This inferiority complex left me anxious, confused, and always seeking approval. At the same time, I always wanted attention. Because of this "approval seeking", in essence I was always changing myself so that I could blend in. I could be part of the "in crowd" and be what everyone else wanted me to be.

This led me through a maze of phases: label conscious, angry rebel goth, someone who didn't have a care in the world and someone who didn't give a damn about the world. I was changing, but I wasn't growing. This all culminated in disrespect for myself.

Enter Daniel*.

At 17 my life was split down the middle. I was stuck between being comfortable in my own skin and craving attention and change. I was angry, but I didn't know why. But all this changed when Daniel stepped into my life.

I met Daniel in the summer time, and yes, I give you full permission to roll your eyes at this "summer fling", because quite simply, that is what Daniel and I had. But of course, at 17 you don't think about those things. You see beyond the imperfections and the impracticalities. 

I thought that Daniel was perfect, and I thought that he and I were invincible.

Just two weeks into our relationship we already planned out how our senior year was going to work since we didn't go to the same school. He would get his license first and come to see me, and once I got mine, we could go to all the places we wanted to go to, splitting the drives.

Daniel, at first, made me feel special. All this inferiority complex stuff? It didn't exist when I was with him. He put me first, he took care of me, and best of all, he told me every night that he loved me. 

At least, I thought he did.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I see now that I was left with a false sense of security when I was around him. Thinking that my inferiority complex was gone was actually false - it was actually worse than it ever was.

Daniel changed me, beginning with my friends. As our relationship began to progress, our activities went from large groups to small groups, and from small groups to even smaller groups, to the point where we were alone most of the time. And being alone wasn't really the issue - in fact, I enjoyed the privacy from time to time. But the fact that he wanted to be alone with me - and only me - at all times was suffocating at times. When I wanted to hang out with other people, he would question my fidelity. If I was tired, he would ask whether or not I really loved him.

So I followed, and the inferiority complex followed close behind. I wanted his approval. I had his "love", and I wanted his approval even more.

But what I failed to see was his double standard - when he wanted to do something with his friends and I complained, he called me whiny, When he was tired and I asked, he called me needy.

Even with these inconsistencies, I listened and followed. And this continued even as his character changed further, to the point where I made a 180 turn. I changed and changed until Daniel showed his ugly side.

(giphy.com)

         
Daniel loved to drink and party. Drinking led to getting drunk, and getting drunk left Daniel emboldened to experiment new things. He would try his luck at touching me, making moves and getting me to drink. Worst of all, he tried to make me have sex with him.

For the first time, I said no to him. Saying no to him, in the long run, was the best thing that I could ever do. However, at the time, it was a nightmare.

Daniel clearly did not like the word no. In fact, he probably never heard that word before. But saying no to him and standing up to him made him upset, so upset to the point that he had begun to hurt me, physically and emotionally. He called me unfaithful, useless, and unloving. And even worse was the fact that I let this happen. We got into the vicious cycle of fighting, taking breaks and getting back together again, never really discussing our differences, or what hurt me the most, or our expectations. We continued to sweep things under the rug, pretending like nothing happened after we kissed and made up (literally). But the ugly pile of discrepancies continued to pile and pile until one day, he had enough with his pathetic girlfriend.

He told me that he started dating me because he wanted something more in a relationship that his previous girlfriend didn't give him. He wanted physicality. He wanted sex. And at that moment, I realized that we had nothing in common other than the fact that we breathed the same air and we were both right handed.

All of the commonalities that I thought we had were suddenly forced and non-existent. It was reminiscent to the times when I feel desperate to come up with things in common in a Venn diagram at school: I can bullshit all I want, but at the end of the day, my grade will still be mediocre. But somehow, in my mind, none of that mattered until he outright told me what he wanted. And that was something that I never asked for, partially because I wanted to give him benefit of the doubt, but also because I was afraid. I was afraid that he was going to pass me by once I told him what I wanted and what I valued.

Shortly after, he broke up with me, citing "irreconcilable differences" and the fact that I wasn't "fulfilling the physical needs of a relationship". Sad but true, and despite the fact that I knew that he was bad for me, I was hurt beyond belief. I missed him, but at the same time, At the time I hated him for changing me, but even more, I hated myself for falling in love with him.

(giphy.com)

               
I tell this story not for pity or for everyone to help me gang up and find Daniel so that I can beat him up. Daniel is a part of my past, and while unfortunate, has taught me something incredible valuable.

It took me a long time (about 18 months, to be honest), to forgive him. It took me just as long to forgive myself and learn that I, along with everyone else (even Daniel) deserves a person that will love you for who you are. And at the same time, people will naturally change - we all need to find a person that will not only change with us, but grow with us. Someone who facilitates our growth, and not hindering it.

Love is all about growing with one another, embracing the change and helping the other person become the best person that they can be. Stay true to yourself and know who you are first. Realize that change is healthy, but if someone is forcing you to do something that you aren't comfortable with or someone that you are not, then that person does not truly love you.

It may feel like the end of the world when you part ways with someone, but know that standing up for yourself will help you in the long run.

To this day, Daniel and I have never talked and I don't intend on ever doing so. But I thank him for helping me learn (the hard way) about how love is blind, but true love waits.

And I hope you remember that too - you are valuable and deserve the best in the world. Never settle for anything less, and never let people (or things) change you into someone that you are not.

x R

*Name changed

Just a Little Selfish, Not Lonely

It was really unexpected. All I wanted to do was play badminton after a long stretch (3 weeks) without it, and I was not doing very well.

My usual doubles partner, who has a boyfriend, decided to stay back during badminton time, so I went alone and played with the others. It was then that other people asked where my partner was, so I explained to them that she was talking to her boyfriend.

Then my temporary partner asked me, "Don't you have a boyfriend?"

To her surprise, I replied no. She then asked if I was lonely, to which I replied, not really.

But the truth is, yesterday I was doing some filing when Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" came on. And it made me feel a certain way.

As in, am I lonely? Am I missing something? Is there something wrong with me?

The reality is, I don't need a man, yet. I need time to find myself and what I want in a relationship. I need to be a little selfish, especially now, in order to figure out "me". How can I love someone fully when I don't know how to properly love myself and my family and friends, and God?

The last "relationship" that I was in was more than a year ago. The healing process that came post-breakup up until recently was filled with a lot of girl power, hanging out with friends, me time and pushing boys to the back burner. As the hurt from the breakup subsided, I started to have a clearer view of the world around me, of boys that I encountered, and clearer expectations for myself and future relationships.

(giphy.com)

At one point, I suppose you could say that I was ready. During this readiness, I met a wonderful guy. Having gone a couple dates with him, I thought that he was the one for me. But God had other plans and it seemed that slowly, the label that I placed on him - "the one" - slowly began to fade away.

Now I'm back to square one with no real prospects.

Returning back to badminton, the question of whether or not I am "lonely" because I'm not dating anyone really stuck with me.  True, I may be slightly over-analytical, but it definitely is something that I think about often.

The truth is, I do envy those who are in long term, committed relationships. It is something that I wish for, but do not obsess over. While it would be nice to have someone to talk to on a regular basis or act as a go to person for hanging out, I am still happy with who I am and where I am in my life. Maybe at this point, I think I'm ready but I'm not actually ready.

Taking the time to be alone and figuring out who I am and what I want is important.  I am having the time of life just by hanging out with friends, pursuing my dreams and taking time for myself. I'm reminding myself that it's okay to be selfish sometimes - especially where self-care is involved.

So being single is not a bad thing. I'm ready to take my time, find my own path and grow before I can commit to anything.

"Remember, the time you feel lonely is the time you need most to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony."
- Douglas Coupland

x R

Silently Judging You (Coming Clean pt. 2)

Judgement: it's everywhere. And believe me, we are all doing it. You're even doing it right now while you're reading this.

According to clinical psychologist Linda Blair, on average it takes about seven seconds to judge a person after we meet them. This is even before a firm handshake. It is literally one glance, up and down, and you can make your own assumptions about the person.

Case to point - if you were to see someone dressed a little simpler with ripped and tattered clothing and an overall disheveled appearance on the Skytrain, you probably would be heading to another spot ASAP. 

I can't condemn other people for judging, because I know that I do it too. It's something that we don't think about because it just happens. Everyday we make little judgments that lead to poor assumptions and misconstrued beliefs. 

I bring up this point because it somewhat ties into my most recent post about coming clean. I came to realization that the judging that we do on a regular basis in turn makes us self-aware and self-conscious about what other people thing of us. How are other people judging me? What would they say or think if I wore this outfit, did my make up in a certain way, ate a certain amount of food or drank a certain beverage?

Coming clean, as I found, was a lot simpler in writing than in reality. Having my story out there enabled people to read what they wanted to, interpret it how they wanted to, and ask questions. Telling people was a whole other story.

To best explain, my plan was in two parts: one, to just get it out there for people to read at their leisure, but also to physically have conversations with people that I have known for a long time and who deserve to know. Not because I want sympathy of any kind (because I don't), but because I want my friends to know who I am. I want to be able to be truthful and explain the inconsistencies that they may have found in my life without any further lies or stories. I wanted them to know the truth, the whole truth, no matter how ugly it was.

By doing this, I was able to break down a judgement barrier for myself. I have gotten to a stage in life where, despite the occasional feelings of insecurity about my physical appearance, I feel good about myself, physically and emotionally. While the journey was not ideal or perfect it has taught me great things about myself. At this point, I know that my depression doesn't make me less of a person, less of a human, and less of a child of God.

Last night, I began my odyssey into coming clean, beginning with one of my closest friends. We met in kindergarten and have been friends ever since. This year will be going on 14 years of friendship, and yet we never had a evening just for us.

I always found it difficult to share my story with others, but I think it is especially difficult for friends that are so close to me. As I began to tell her the story, I prefaced it by saying that, "I didn't say anything earlier because I didn't want to lose you when I was already losing everyone else."

The story slowly tumbled out, and after my sharing was done, she told me that it gave her the courage to tell her own story, prefacing it also by saying that she didn't want to tell me because she didn't know how I would feel. She didn't know if I would judge her, and she didn't want me to be disappointed in her.

Why are we always so scared with letting our true colours show and letting people see who we really are? Our society tells us to make flawless first impressions with the people we meet. We are expected to come across as perfect in the eyes of strangers.

But the truth of the matter is, I AM NOT PERFECT. I have my moments, my flaws and my insecurities. This is true for all humans, and yet we still break each other down with judgement and negativity. 

My fear of judgement was the reason why I didn't get help sooner, and I truly feel that judgement is preventing others from speaking out and getting the help that they need.

I know I can't stop other people from judging, but I know that I can think twice before I make a generalized and uneducated comment about someone else. Everyone is facing a different and unique battle - one that we may not be able to comprehend or understand. Because of that, we need to be more sympathetic and aware of the situation of others.

And to you, all of you: remember how special and lovely you are. Be confident and take heart.

x R 

No More Pretending: Coming Clean

It's been a while since I have been here, and I do apologize profusely for neglecting you, my blog! With all the changes that has been happening in my life, it's been hard to keep up. My journal entries have been backed up for weeks on end and I always find myself writing for weeks in between to catch up.

Recently deep within me, I have felt a strong sense of untruthfulness. This is not to say that I have been lying through my day to day life per se, but in many ways, I suppose it could be said that I have. I feel that I have been communicating poorly, acting in surprising ways and therefore confusing others and myself. It was not until  I wrote a recent post for Speak Out Blog and a personal hurdle that I decided that I needed to come clean.

In short, I know that I am blessed with good things. I have a family that loves me, good financial and educational situation, friends that care for me and an inkling of a future life. However, being a human that has very human desires, I am bound to fall short and make mistakes. I always want more of myself and the world, and sometimes with my shortcomings I am merciless towards myself.

As a kid, I loved the concept of pretending. You could be who you wanted to be without any pretenses or fears of exposure. As I grew older, I continued to use pretend at great lengths wherever necessary so as to keep my true self from showing.
              

But who was my true self? During high school, I didn't know for sure. I went through careless relationships, pushed away true friends and held onto people and things that didn't care for me. High school, while it was a magical and unique time, it was also a difficult time for me.

My true self was always someone that I wanted to prevent the world from knowing - and who could blame me, considering that I know of my true self as somewhat of a Debbie Downer. I didn't like who I was. I was dissatisfied, jealous and felt so worthless. I went through phases of the D word - depression. I was anxious and angry.

The world, as I knew, didn't want another angry and moody teenager, though sometimes my alter ego slipped through my fingers. People told me to suck it up, buttercup - and I did. I held everything inside of me, pressure building until it couldn't hold it in any longer. And when I got angry, people knew. But they didn't know why.

I spent my evenings planning my own demise. What would it feel like to disappear? What would people think, say, or do? How much pain would I feel? All these thoughts began to put a damper on my alter ego, my sunnier ego, and suddenly the two mixed into one and I had no control over the two.

It wasn't until I was ordered by a teacher to go see a counselor that I even began to think that I had an issue. Of course, I didn't go down with a fight. The mere thought of setting foot into that office left a bad feeling inside of me. All my life I had had people whispering behind my back, and I knew that going to see a counselor would make the whispers grow louder behind me.

Unsurprisingly, the help from counselling was what I needed to begin my turn around. My panic attacks began to subside, I felt less angry and more self-confident. I didn't have to pretend that I was happy anymore - I was happy, through and through. It would be unrealistic to say that my 180 came over night - it was a process, and I needed to put a lot of effort into it.

So why share all of this?

I wanted to bring to light one big lesson that I learned throughout my journey. As mentioned before, society, as forward as it may be, seems to still have a hazy cloud around the whole mental illness thing, be it that we don't understand it, we don't get it, or worse, we don't want to acknowledge it. True, medicine has advanced so much that we now have a label for every last disorder and illness, but that doesn't mean that we truly understand it. The stigma that surrounds mental illness is still a big one, and I hope that in time to come, this stigma will diminish with more education and dialogue.

I am not telling us to WebMD ourselves and diagnose every feeling that we have to educate ourselves - that is not closing the door on the stigma. But I hope that people can become more open and more ready to be available to those in need. Why should there be a stigma that going to a counselor makes you a "weirdo"? Why should we be afraid of saying "no, I'm not okay" and explaining why when people ask?

Clearly I am not a doctor or any sort of field expert on the issue.  I am passionate about erasing the stigma of mental illness in our society. I am passionate about helping others get through their hurdles in life, regardless of shape or form. I want you to know that if you are feeling this way, that it is not just a you thing that you have to figure out on your own. There is help everywhere around you - we all need to be open to talk to others, but we also need to be open to accept others as well.

Despite the occasional feelings of high anxiety, stress and panic attacks, I have felt a significant improvement in my life. I couldn't have done it without the support of many - my only regret is not finding help sooner.

Ignorance and fear should not be the norm. We need to stand tall and firm in the face of it and become more aware of it. Through this solidarity, the stigma will diminish.

x R

A Man, A Boy, and Paddy Cake

I met the most wonderful guy on the bus the other day.

This isn't a prospective cute guy for myself; after all, he was with his adorable two year old son.

This morning it was pretty gloomy. It was raining after a stretch of pure sunshine, and I didn't have an umbrella. I'm waiting for the bus at about 7:30, frustrated that I had missed an earlier bus and at the fact that I had no umbrella to shield me from the rain. Suddenly this man walked up, wearing a short sleeved shirt and shorts, pushing a stroller with a bouncing blonde boy sitting in it.

It was impossible, even in my bad mood, to ignore the smiling boy. What drew me in even more was the adoring look on his face, and the infectious smile that the boy had.

The dad was playing a video on his iPhone, and the familiar strains of "patty cake" began to play over and over. As the song began to play, the dad began to sing along, with his son attempting to catch up with him. On a gloomy day, this was a shot of sunshine in my life.

I began talking to this dad, asking him about where he was taking his son at such an hour. His son had more energy than any person on the bus at that time, and despite the dad's energetic and happy demeanor, there was a look of tiredness in his eyes.

Giving his phone to his son, the dad turned to me and said that he was dropping his son off at daycare before he went to Surrey Memorial Hospital. After asking if he was a doctor, he laughed and shook his head no.

He began to tell me about how he was a single father, taking care of this boy. In an ultrasound before the birth of his son, the doctors warned them that the boy may be born with serious birth defects, and were given the opportunity to abort. That was the make or break of our relationship, he told me. I wanted to keep him, but my fiancee wanted to abort. 

Shortly after the baby was born,  healthy and normal, she still broke up with him, leaving him to raise this baby boy on his own. 6 months later, he said, he was diagnosed with cancer. He had his ups and down with the treatment, and despite his remission after his son's first birthday, his cancer returned and spread violently. At the moment, he was going to Surrey Memorial for a chemotherapy treatment. I didn't want to pry and ask what his current situation was, but noting the look in my eyes, he quietly told me that he had Stage 4 terminal cancer. He had been given one and a half to two years to live. Despite all this, he would take his son every day to day care before he went for treatment or running household errands. He would get up every morning at 5, warm his son's bottle and food, pack his son's bag (with his son's favorite yellow sweater inside), wake his son up at 6 and got him ready to catch the bus at 7:16 AM. And on the bus every day, they would watch the same video and play paddy cake.

He did that every single day.

In my silence, I reflected on my shock. All I could think of was his son - barely two year old - and what could happen to him. I thought about the dad himself, how difficult this must be for him to raise his son and potentially not be there for his son anymore.

In those moments, words don't even begin to cover the feelings or sentiments that can convey your sympathy. His quiet words, after a beat, said it all: "Am I angry? Yeah. I won't be able to coach my son on the sidelines, teach him the alphabet, help him drive and get him a girlfriend. But that doesn't mean that my whole life stops because I'm angry... he needs me. And all I can do for him is give him all of me before I don't exist."

After he said this, his stop had arrived. Slowly getting up, he pushed his son's stroller towards the door, telling him to say goodbye to me. As they got off the bus, an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me.

Life, as I have seen, is so unpredictable. Even the most mundane tasks and routine can be taken for granted. I began to realize how discontent I have become with my 6 AM radio wake up calls, 10 minutes spent in front of an open closet and the same breakfast foods. I have become resentful of the same dinners, the same pathways to the bus and the usual ways I waste my time.

This man taught me that even something so repetitive can be an experience. I could tell that he was afraid of what was to come, but at the same time, he showed no weakness. He cherished every day and every action with his son, every last one of them, no matter how small or annoying. 

If this man could be so joyful and cheerful in the face of disease and turmoil, then I, a person in good health and good life, should be even more joyful. Yet, this man has shown me that life is short and unpredictable. There is no time to be resentful, upset or angry at small things. After all, the more time we spend being angry or holding grudges, the less time we have to enjoy the beauty and company of people and things around us.

Enjoy your life, every last bit of it. I thank this gentleman for reminding me of an obvious and yet profound truth - thank you, thank you, thank you.

x R

"Puberty? No Thanks."

On the radio at work the other day, an interesting story caught my attention and I stopped to take a listen.

A mother in Denver, Colorado publicly chastised her 13 year old daughter who had created a Facebook page, posed as a 19 year old girl and posted racy photos of herself on that page. When her mom found out about this page and the fact that she had befriended older men that were more than double her age, she took to Facebook. Posting a video of her openly reprimanding her daughter, mother Valerie Starks pointed out different things - her daughter's true age, her bed time, what she watches on TV - that would hopefully clear the air that this girl truly is 13.

I am not here to discuss whether or not Valerie Starks' chosen method of punishment is fair or not, while that is an interesting topic of discussion. What I do want to talk about is the 13 year old girl.

I have never met this 13 year old girl before. I don't know her situation, what is going through her mind and the troubles that she has been through. And some how, knowing this information may be able to help answer the question why. Why did she make this Facebook page? Why did she pose as a 19 year old girl? Why?

In a previous post I marveled at how girls seem to be maturing at double the speed that I was. When I say maturing, I mean the clothes they wear, how they talk, how they present themselves and what they do in their spare time. It is quite shocking to be scrolling through Instagram or Facebook and see girls that I have seen growing up in elementary school, and all of a sudden, they are going out to parties or spending afternoons with their friends downtown.

But the biggest thing that surprises me about this 13 year old girl and other girls of similar age is the fact that they seemed to have bypass the whole adolescence and puberty stage and went straight to being teenagers.

In a time when the world is so focused on consumerism and instant gratification, I have begun to brush shoulders with younger girls inside of H&M. I would be waiting in line at Starbucks sandwiched in between the tweens of today. They would be going to the parties that I have never gone to.

I might be a tad jealous. Just a bit. But at the same time, I feel sad for the up and coming generation.

The biggest part of life is growing up. Growing up has it's perks, but it also has its ugly sides. One of those ugly sides is the awkward stage of puberty.

I loathed puberty. The minute I turned 12 it seemed like it all went down hill from there. It was like the universe was taunting me, saying "Hey, happy birthday, here is a storm of nasty things for you to enjoy for the rest of your life." And those nasty things included angry hormones, acne, untamed eyebrows, weight gain and continually looking flat as a board.

Of course, all bad things come to an end and eventually pass as well, and the golden age of 15 seemed to be when puberty began to bite the dust inside of me. Now, I can confidently say that I look more like a girl, and I can also very confidently say that I do not miss puberty one bit.

Having said that, one can't just bypass puberty. You can't take a pass on it, say "thanks but no thanks" and pretend like it doesn't exist. Because like it or not, you are growing up and when you grow up, a lot of things change. It is a rite of passage and coming of age thing.

So seeing girls at age 12 or 13 who wear make up, have flawless skin and are wearing clothes that I wear now is disheartening. I can't blame them for their good fortune. However, the disheartening part comes from the fact that many girls have rushed through this "coming of age".

What has forced girls to grow up so much faster than they need to? Instead of complaining about not having enough books to read, more and more girls are now concerned about what selfie they should post on Instagram. All the worries that a typical teenager would have seems to be universal across all ages of walking and talking girls, and the younger ones are starting to catch on.

I'm not saying that we need to hold on to all of our young girls and shield them from the outside world or only let them go out when they turn 20. What I hope is that girls don't feel the pressure to grow up too fast. Because let's face it, even with the restrictions that some of our parents may give us when we are young children, the life of a child is not hard at all. There is little responsibility and little risk of anything harming us. Entering into a world of social media, pop culture and consumerism can be challenging to navigate and keep up with. But young girls (and I mean real 12, 13 year olds) shouldn't feel this pressure that they have to shop at Forever 21 or have Instagram accounts.

Life is beautiful, and all girls are beautiful. Life is a process, and going through it helps you to grow and prepare for what lies ahead. And truthfully, I would have loved to skip puberty altogether, but I know that without it, I would not get to where I am today. Every day  I learn something new, and throughout puberty I learned more and more about self-awareness and self confidence.

What you wear should not define you. What social media you have or don't have should not define you. Whether or not you wear make should not define you. Your age, your weight, your height - none of that should define you.

You should be defined by who you are. We need to be the generation who is comfortable in our own skin.

Whether or not this 13 year old girl posed as a 19 year old girl because she was insecure, not feeling the adolescence life or just wanted to get back at her mom does not matter. What I hope for her, and all young girls, is that they remember that you are all wonderful and beautiful people. Puberty will pass and you will survive (living example: me). You will outgrow the awkwardness and begin to look normal (another living example: me). And in retrospect, it's not all scary. In fact, it is a life changing moment when you begin to realize that you are growing up. This growing up thing happens inevitably, and when time passes, you can't get it back. Enjoy the time that you have right now, regardless of age. You will only be 13 once - embrace it!

Never be ashamed of your age - you are special, unique, and the world needs you to be that way!

     then vs. now   

Your favorite teenager (who can't actually claim that she is a teenager anymore),

x R