Self-Conscious, Superficial and Insecure

Just to recap, the Lower Mainland was hit with a massive wind and rain storm that left many people without power for the whole weekend. My family was included in that power outage. But, to add to our misadventures, we couldn't get back into our house, leaving us to stay with my godmother for the night.

Obviously, the situation is not ideal. We were caught off guard, with only the clothes on our backs and the money in our wallets. Thankfully, everything resolved itself and we were all safe. I am so thankful that my godmother had let us stay with her overnight and that we had friends to help us get back into our home so that we didn't have to wander around town another night.

But I came to a revelation, a small but sad one.

I didn't know that blustery wind and the torrential downpour would result in a whirlwind weekend excursion when I woke up on Saturday morning. As we went through the day, everything was going fine until I got ready to go to sleep that night.

I realized that I had no make up to wear the next day.

(from giphy.com)

And yes, you have my permission to scoff at my superficiality and non-existent fears. But hear me out.

I woke up the next morning with red splotches, acne scars and barely there eye brows. I was so used to relying on a little moisturizer, foundation and an eyebrow pencil to wake up my face. Unfortunately for me, my morning routine was cut short as I brushed my teeth and hair.

So I walked through my day - church, lunch, walk with my godmother and the mall - and felt self conscious about everything. My eyebrows were invisible. My acne scars were larger than they were. The redness was not going away. My skin looks dry and I look incredibly tired.

But after my fifth bout of feeling sorry for myself and looking at myself in the mirror, I began to realize how incredibly superficial I was being.

My personality and who I am is not defined by how flawless my face looks. I define myself through what I say and how I act. I should be proud and confident in myself, make up or not.

And I suppose this is where my insecurity lies. I still am dependent on make up to make me feel better about myself. This is not to say that I am hating on make up or not wearing it ever again - you have no idea how happy I was to have it available to me this morning. But on the flip side, make up should be a nice to have and a way to enhance my natural features, not my lifeline. 

(AMIRIGHT?! - from giphy.com)

Being so exposed to social media and pop culture on a daily basis, it is easy to be persuaded that you are not good enough or that you need to be like the models in magazines or on TV to feel good about myself. It is easy to complain about our "flaw-ful" features and compare it to that of the unattainable and somewhat impossible standards that the media has bombarded us with.

Adding to my shame, I remember a video that I saw on Facebook about a Youtuber who runs a make up channel, My Pale Skin. There was a video that was titled something shocking - "You Look Disgusting" - and it tugged at my heartstrings and my attention.

The video came about when this girl named Em began posting no make up pictures of herself to her social media. This resulted in mean comments directed at her, along the lines of "you look disgusting", "you are so ugly", and other nasty stuff like that. But even when she does her make up - and she looks beautiful regardless - the comments (which are pulled from her social media) continue to take a disrespectful turn.

How superficial are we as a society? How demanding and self-centered are we? The standards that we have come to swear by are impossible, and we not only hold each other to such standards but ourselves as well. It has become a never ending race to becoming the perfect human being.

But here's the thing - we may not be perfect, and perhaps never will be. At the same time, though, we are perfect in our own ways.

This is a struggle for me to live with everyday, because I am my own worst critic. I tell myself that I need to lose weight, tone my arms, and learn how to apply makeup better. But all of this self-deprecation becomes tiring and worse, is unhealthy for me. And it's unhealthy for you too!

Being healthy, living and breathing should be the things in life that we are grateful for. If we are not truly happy about that, is there anything in life that we can truly be happy about?

Keep using makeup and making yourself look pretty, but remind yourself that it's not the be all or end all. And as cliched as this sounds, you are amazing, just the way you are.

Thanks, Bruno Mars.

Here is the video from My Pale Skin - while it is difficult to watch, it definitely is a must see:

x R

Silently Judging You (Coming Clean pt. 2)

Judgement: it's everywhere. And believe me, we are all doing it. You're even doing it right now while you're reading this.

According to clinical psychologist Linda Blair, on average it takes about seven seconds to judge a person after we meet them. This is even before a firm handshake. It is literally one glance, up and down, and you can make your own assumptions about the person.

Case to point - if you were to see someone dressed a little simpler with ripped and tattered clothing and an overall disheveled appearance on the Skytrain, you probably would be heading to another spot ASAP. 

I can't condemn other people for judging, because I know that I do it too. It's something that we don't think about because it just happens. Everyday we make little judgments that lead to poor assumptions and misconstrued beliefs. 

I bring up this point because it somewhat ties into my most recent post about coming clean. I came to realization that the judging that we do on a regular basis in turn makes us self-aware and self-conscious about what other people thing of us. How are other people judging me? What would they say or think if I wore this outfit, did my make up in a certain way, ate a certain amount of food or drank a certain beverage?

Coming clean, as I found, was a lot simpler in writing than in reality. Having my story out there enabled people to read what they wanted to, interpret it how they wanted to, and ask questions. Telling people was a whole other story.

To best explain, my plan was in two parts: one, to just get it out there for people to read at their leisure, but also to physically have conversations with people that I have known for a long time and who deserve to know. Not because I want sympathy of any kind (because I don't), but because I want my friends to know who I am. I want to be able to be truthful and explain the inconsistencies that they may have found in my life without any further lies or stories. I wanted them to know the truth, the whole truth, no matter how ugly it was.

By doing this, I was able to break down a judgement barrier for myself. I have gotten to a stage in life where, despite the occasional feelings of insecurity about my physical appearance, I feel good about myself, physically and emotionally. While the journey was not ideal or perfect it has taught me great things about myself. At this point, I know that my depression doesn't make me less of a person, less of a human, and less of a child of God.

Last night, I began my odyssey into coming clean, beginning with one of my closest friends. We met in kindergarten and have been friends ever since. This year will be going on 14 years of friendship, and yet we never had a evening just for us.

I always found it difficult to share my story with others, but I think it is especially difficult for friends that are so close to me. As I began to tell her the story, I prefaced it by saying that, "I didn't say anything earlier because I didn't want to lose you when I was already losing everyone else."

The story slowly tumbled out, and after my sharing was done, she told me that it gave her the courage to tell her own story, prefacing it also by saying that she didn't want to tell me because she didn't know how I would feel. She didn't know if I would judge her, and she didn't want me to be disappointed in her.

Why are we always so scared with letting our true colours show and letting people see who we really are? Our society tells us to make flawless first impressions with the people we meet. We are expected to come across as perfect in the eyes of strangers.

But the truth of the matter is, I AM NOT PERFECT. I have my moments, my flaws and my insecurities. This is true for all humans, and yet we still break each other down with judgement and negativity. 

My fear of judgement was the reason why I didn't get help sooner, and I truly feel that judgement is preventing others from speaking out and getting the help that they need.

I know I can't stop other people from judging, but I know that I can think twice before I make a generalized and uneducated comment about someone else. Everyone is facing a different and unique battle - one that we may not be able to comprehend or understand. Because of that, we need to be more sympathetic and aware of the situation of others.

And to you, all of you: remember how special and lovely you are. Be confident and take heart.

x R