To the fresh-faced high school senior

"University is gonna suck you lifeless."

Of all the many interesting, horrifying, and amazing sentiments that I have heard about university and what my life will be like post-high school, this was probably the one that I was scared of the most. Scared of, admittedly, but also curious. I was incredibly curious about this one, wondering if it was indeed true, and it also made me wonder if university was going to turn me into a jaded, education hating zombie that would eventually be toting around  thousands of dollars in debt while working in a field completely unrelated to my studies.

They tell you so many things about university; but, isn't it so remisicent of what they told you in elementary school? "They won't hold your hand anymore," "They won't spoon feed you information," "You are responsible for your own homework," "You can't mess around anymore," ... the fear mongering is endless, and it all pops up again once high school students reach that coveted senior year and contract senioritis. They are itching to get out of the plastic chairs and high pitched warning bells to a place much cooler, much more independent, and much more adult-like.

To the fresh-faced high school senior, get ready for the shock of your life, because university is gonna suck you lifeless.

But, that's only true if you let it.

You see, I was a good kid growing up; or rather, I would like to think of myself as a good kid. I was one of those kids that never cut class (well, except that one time in senior year, to which I say I'M SO SORRY, MOM AND DAD), always got my homework done, got straight A's (at least once PE wasn't mandatory anymore), and had good relationships with teachers. I volunteered and had extra curriculars to pad my resume. I had some work experience and was making decent money (for my age) even before I got out of high school. I tossed that mortar board, shook a few hands, and walked out of that auditorium with a diploma and a few scholarships. I was so, so ready to get out of high school. push past the immature teeny-bopper drama that I had gotten myself into and start my new life as a fierce and independent university woman.

I was so freaking cocky.

Confidence is one thing that I wish for all of you to have: when you walk into a room, own it. But, beware that you don't mix up confidence with cockiness.

I knew, coming into university, that I was set - financially, grades wise, confidence wise, even potentially looks wise to find new friends. They tell you in high school in passing how much work there is in university, but what they failed to mentioned (or maybe, what I failed to listen to), was that high school work is pure peanuts compared to that of university. And probably somewhere down the line, spoiler alert, they're gonna tell you that university is SMALL PEANUTS compared to true adulting and work in the real world.

I was cocky. I thought, who needs to read this text book? Who actually spends weeks in advance doing their assignment that's due in November? Who actually, and I mean actually, plans out their essays? And really, 6 pages? No big deal. This is child's play.

And just like that, everything burst into flames and university did, indeed, suck me lifeless.

In my first semester, I got hit with my very first F in my entire life. I had barely passed a first year Statistics exam, but due to the ever life screwing-over-bell-curve, I failed. And this is a person that has never received anything lower than a B. I was devastated.

On top of that, my writing skills apparently sucked and they landed me shitty grade after shitty grade. 6 pages in my first year was apparently incredibly difficult (and, spoiler alert again, the papers get longer!), and I didn't really get first year literature. You know how we have a syntehsis portion on the English 12 provincial? I rocked that exam like it was nobody's business. But here I was at the end of first year, struggling to write a 10 page synthesis paper. I stayed up until 1 in the morning, two days before it was due, bawling my eyes out. I had no ideas, no plan, no thesis, and no paper.

To add further insult to injury, I was behind on readings for all my classes. Weekly readings averaged to around ~40-50 pages x 3 reading intensive courses resulted in me, literally drowning in words that I didn't understand. In grade 4 I was invited to take part in an accelerated writing and vocabulary class, and we worked with Wordly Wise 3000. I was a real smart ass, learning words like "dilapidated" and "pseudonym". Fast forward to me being behind on all my readings, and my vocab list wasn't as great as I once thought it was.

To the fresh-faced high school senior, please don't be like me circa first semester.

Despite my atrocious habits, I got by with some B's and even an A-, but I knew that if I had applied myself more, I would have been even better. And once I did apply myself in the following semester and year, I saw myself getting better and better.

Of course, you might shrug and say that the grades aren't the only thing you are after. And this is where I say that confidence matters. If you are looking to make great and lasting friendships, be confident and say hi to people in your classes. Coming from 20 person classes to 200 person classes can be extremely daunting. Take a bold step and say hi. Start a conversation. Join clubs and get involved in school. Volunteer and get yourself out there; who knows, your bold step might open up pathways to best friends, job opportunities, even a potential soul mate.

To the fresh-faced high school senior, enjoy the time you have in high shcool while it lasts.

Just so you know, your desk space doesn't really get any better from what you're dealing with right now; in fact, some might say that it's even worse. Enjoy the community that you have grown up in and the friends that have stuck with you for the past chapter in your life. No matter how good technology gets, unfortunately it's easier to be friends with people that are within your vicinity. I'm not saying to cut off all ties to high school and start anew with a clean slate in university. But, love the people that you're with. Smile more, say hi more. Mend broken friendships and rebuild bridges, Don't let petty drama like wearing the same dress as another girl at grad, love interests, and other things get in the way of one of the greatest parts of your life. Because let's face it: once you get out into the semi-real world that is university, your life will be turned upside down. Your study habits change, your schedule changes, your friends change; hell, you change.

Get ready for bigger and better things, my friends. As long as you apply yourself, keep your cockiness in check and really enjoy life, it'll all be alright. University will only suck you lifeless if you let it. But if you stay grounded, I've also heard it said that university is one of the best times in your life.

Make it happen.

x R

Where Do I Belong?

I've been doing a lot of thinking (possibly overthinking), and I want to attribute it to the fact that I am now 20. Or maybe, thinking is the wrong word and it's more reflecting.

Let's go with that - reflecting.

I've been thinking a lot about friendship, a concept that is so valuable to me and I would hope to everyone. In life, friendship is the one thing that keeps us all going. Without friends, I don't know where I would be in life.

When I was younger, I used to think that I was only allowed to have one best friend, or at most, only one group of close friends. I could be friendly and nice to other people, but they would never be as close to me as the group that I had chosen to be my best friends. I know, it's a strange way to think, but as I grew up, I found that I wasn't the only one that thought in that way.

(Or in English, my friend to the end)

So there I was, I had that tight knit friendship with girls that, to this day, I still admire for who they are. We had the type of relationships as young girls that enabled us to talk to each other about anything. We would fantasize the moments when we would finally grow up into women, our future weddings and who would be in the wedding party (and fight over who would be who's maid of honour), talk about how our children would have playdates and who would carpool when. It was these kinds of imaginative and innocent discussions that led me and my friends to believe that we would never separate - we would be best friends for life.

We were, for a while anyway. Even towards the end of elementary school, I noticed bonds unraveling and new bonds forming. I felt so awful that my friends and I were drifting apart and that I was befriending new people. And this was the refrain all throughout high school and now into the phase of life that I am in now.

High school was interesting, because despite the fact that I had friends to make life bearable, I never felt like I truly belonged in any group. There were always discussions I would miss, and inside jokes that I would never fully understand. I constantly asked myself where I belonged - was it this group, or that group? Who were my true friends? Did I even have any to account for?

I came to a couple conclusions as a result of my nights of thinking and thinking and thinking some more. It really dawned on me when I had a discussion about friendship with a friend that I have now that friendship evolves constantly. By virtue of the fact that humans change constantly, so too do our relationships. And it's not the fault of anyone; it just happens. Sometimes, we can't stop these changes from happening. But just because our friendships change or even end, it doesn't mean that completely cut them out from our lives.

My friend had been dealing with changes in her relationship with a friend that she had - she felt like she was growing up and that her friend wasn't. What's a person to do when the other friend isn't really on the same page?

Friendship knits together people of different experiences and backgrounds, and that's what makes each friendship so unique and beautiful. It helps you to learn more about the world and gain new perspective through the lens of the other person. If we befriended clones of ourselves, we might get super bored with them and ourselves! We need that difference, that friction, to keep life interesting.

What I realize now is that true friends are the ones that bring that new perspective into my life. There were people in my time in high school that really helped me see things in a new light, and through that I am very blessed to still have them in my life.

But I think the biggest struggle that I have been dealing with was just the fact that one of my closest friends has changed, and so have I. And I have begun to accept the fact that it's okay. Ultimately, friendship is supposed to build you up. You are supposed to feel comfortable with that person, and feel like you can open up to them about anything and not feel like you are being judged.

At this point in my life, I have finally found not only where I belonged but also the friends that help me to feel like I belong there. Friendship changes constantly, and that's okay. If you value a friendship enough, take the time to put the effort in to make it last in the long haul. But ultimately, as with any relationship, remember that it is a two way street. Put your whole heart in and make the effort and time, and hopefully the other person does the same.

Friendship is what helps life become more bearable and fun - find those friends that help you to be your best at all times, calls you out on your bullshit and ultimately makes you feel good.

PS, the title references a song by David Myles, who is one of my all time favourite artists. And, AND, he's Canadian! Check out the song "Where Do I Belong", and the rest of his new EP here!

x R

Waiting on the Right Time

Okay, update: life is lonely, sometimes.

(source)

Growing up, I've always hated drawing attention to myself. I was never really a fan of solo performances and would rather be really low key. The same usually happened with guys: as much as I would want certain ones to notice me, there was always shyness and I would just leave it.

Now through volunteering and just the fact that my schedule changes every four months, I'm forced to break out of my shell a little more and meet people. I thought that by being a little more confident I would meet someone nice and cool. But so far, there is no one.

Before, I've come to the conclusion that I don't need a man (yet). There is so much I want to accomplish, there is so much I want to get done - maybe this is God's way of saying that the time is not right. And okay, I hear you loud and clear. But sometimes it's hard to take that message to heart when you are the only single one left in your circle of old friends, you are bombarded left right and center with PDA on transit, your wonderful sister's track record is more successful than yours (go check out her blog here), and reading the daily newspaper gives you stories straight out of Nicholas Sparks novels.

I've met some amazing guys and have also find myself in less than ideal situations, but through it all I keep telling myself that it's just the beginning, that I'm still young, and that the time will come when He wills it. Like the most magnificent flower, it needs the right growing conditions - soil, sunlight, watering - as well as care. 

Lately these thoughts have been occupying my mind, and I've asked God when it would be my turn. I understand now what responsibility comes with being in a relationship, and I understand more than ever that love is by no means disposable. Throughout each of my experiences and the time in between, I've learned what I liked and what I needed, what I valued in a guy and the things that I found most important in a relationship. But now that I knew these things, I just needed the guy.

So through my open conversations with friends and God, I was confronted with this today.

This morning on my feed I came across this video that featured Steve Harvey talking to a young girl and her mom. I hope for Steve's sake that this helps him to sweep the Miss Universe fiasco under the carpet.

But the video featured him talking to a girl that openly sexted with guys. She said that it made her feel "like a Kardashian". It made her feel so good that there were guys telling her that she was pretty. However, once she started with one guy, pretty soon all the other guys were trying to take advantage of her. And when she tried to stand her ground, the guys would turn on her and try to coerce her into bending the rules, just a bit. While I watched this, my heart cried out for this girl. She is so, so loved - I can see it in her mom's eyes - but she is also so misled. She measured her self-worth with the amount of guys that wanted nude photos of her. She measured her beauty with the number of guys chasing after her.

Steve Harvey's response was priceless and really hit home - I wish I could post it here, but because it's on Facebook, check it out here!

A simple and profound reminder that there is so much in life worth living for, and that I shouldn't put it all on hold just for the sake of someone to cuddle with, to take cute pictures with, or to dress up fancy with.

Being a relationship is a responsibility, a responsibility entrusted to different people at different times. Until then, I will patiently wait.

You are valuable. Don't sell yourself short. The wait will be worth it.

x R

"I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases."
- Song of Solomon 8:4

Better late than never: I'm in love with God, 20 years later

Now that I'm officially in finals mode, I made myself a list of things to do before tonight. But this post should have come much, much earlier - as in Easter weekend earlier. School just became a bit of a mess once Easter ended, so I'm so, so sorry about that.

Second, a quick shout out to my fellow friend and blogger Brenna and her most recent post about the temptation in our lives, as she has filled the gaps in my incoherence and has practically written what I was struggling to say. You can read more of her wonderful posts on her blog here.

Okay, here we go.

El and I, circa 2006. Note El rocking the knit vest.

As I draw closer to my 20th birthday, I've become more and more pensive about my life journey, particularly the past decade of my life. From the moment I turned 10 and entered the tumultuous world of the "double digits", it occurred to me in a plain fashion that this was where I was going to stay. As in, I more than likely will not see my 100th birthday, and I'm not really sure if I would really want to.

But I digress. Turning 10 was a defining year, not because of the double digits but just merely because that's when everything started changing. From my own body to the world around me, things started to move rapidly, and sometimes I felt like I was left behind. Admittedly, aside from a few critical junctures, I don't really remember anything before turning 10 years old. I would call that decade of birth to the day before turning 10 development.

"Tumultuous" really sums up my 10th birthday up until now, in one simple word.

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The word "tumultuous" is defined as "excited, confused, and disorderly." And my life was exactly that. As I grew up and things started changing around me, I felt lost in my own self and the environment that I had grown so comfortable in. In a sea of confusion, I was in a tiny boat that had no anchor for me to throw down so that I could regain my orientation.

The chapel at The Grotto, Portland

As I sat in the darkness at Easter Vigil, I thought about all of this. It was interesting, at least to me, how uncomfortable I felt with my faith even though I grew up in a Catholic school. It didn't make any sense to me, how being surrounded in the faith would push me away. But to this day, I have no resentment against my Catholic school upbringing, as it has brought me so much other joy. However, this was my challenge growing up: I didn't fully understand everything. And of course, there is no way to fully understand God's love - it is called a mystery, after all. But I guess the difference was that even though I knew I wouldn't be able to understand everything, I never made the effort to try.

My relationship with God was "tumultuous". There were periods of excitement - retreats, conferences, et cetera, et cetera - but outside of these one off experiences, there was confusion and disorder.

I went through high school religion and going in to it for the grade, and not for the grace. 

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I didn't believe that God loved me. Me, in a sea of 7 billion people. How could He possibly know me by name, all of my heart's desires, and have a plan for me? I was reminded of this day in and day out, but I never fully bought it. This lack of trust and lack of grace thrust me into a lot of trying times, time when I questioned if God's GPS for me was recalculating and just plain stuck. And with each instance - bullying, death in the family, break up with a boyfriend, drama with friends, disordered eating or self-harm - I was pushed away even more. Where was God and His love when my grandfather got dementia, and couldn't even remember any of us anymore? Where was God and His love when one of my exes forced me to have sex, and hurt me when I said no? Where was God and His love throughout any of this?

I left high school as a person who was broken, and even though I had a sense of direction with what I wanted to do, I had shattered God's compass for me.

In an unlikely turn events, as I met new people in university, a secular environment, I felt so compelled to tell people that I was Catholic. It was something so foreign to me, as I never had to explain that to anyone growing up. And through this sudden burst of honesty, I made friends and lost some. As this honesty grew, it felt like there was something inside me that was itching to get out. But something was still missing deep inside of me.

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I was invited to join Catholic Christian Outreach and I began studying with them. With each week I surrounded myself with people who were so on fire for their faith was exciting, but all the same confusing for me, as I had no idea how I too could achieve the same sense of love and faith.

When one of the missionaries asked if they could pray over me, I was a little apprehensive because I had no idea what it would entail. But as the prayers were said, I felt an unbelievable sense of calm wash over me. Suddenly, it felt as if all the doubts I had about God's love was washed away, and my eyes were opened - if only a little bit.

It was then that I began to get more active and began to help out with youth ministry at Precious Blood. But something was still missing.

I know that I am a sinner, and I know that the past 20 years have been marked by constant mistakes and failings. And despite the beautiful sacrament of reconciliation, I didn't feel like I was getting any closer to God. In fact, I was always scared of it.

The Upper Gardens at The Grotto

So this year, when time for Lenten confession came around, I was scared, again, because I didn't see how this was going to be any different from before. But God must have sensed this, because as I knelt down, another wave of honesty came over me and I was telling the priest everything. I finished by saying that I didn't believe that God has a plan just for me.

The priest contemplated everything that I said, and then he pointed behind me at the Crucifix that hung on the wall of the church. "That is how we know God has a plan for us."

When I looked back at him with confusion, he continued: “No cross is greater than the sins of mankind. And you don’t need to worry about a cross being too heavy, because Jesus already carried that cross for you. 

"Jesus could have stayed in heaven and dictated everything from above. But instead, He went about it the most difficult way possible so that we might have hope."

Wow.

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So back to Easter Vigil. My family spent Easter weekend in Portland, at The Grotto of Our Lady. I was contemplating the words that the priest had left me with during that confession, and I thought about the whole purpose of Lent, the Triduum, and the celebration of Easter. 40 day of waiting. 40 days of sacrifice and prayer. Jesus spent 40 days in the desert, choosing not to eat or drink and fending off the devil. He died on the cross for everyone, past, present, and future. To show His love for us, He went about the most difficult way possible - the ultimate sacrifice, He laid down his life for our own.

Such a simple, yet complex truth. And the greatest thing is that He doesn't want us to feel guilty for it, or to put ourselves through the same excruciating pain. What He does want for us is to to our best, return back to Him when we fall astray and remember always that His ways are not our ways.

I don't have all the answers, and I will never fully understand why God does the things that He does. I have faith that He has something bigger than I can even comprehend, and I pray for the grace to accept His plans humbly. 

With this new found confidence in my own faith journey, I look forward to what's ahead beyond my 20th birthday.

Be bold & know that He is always for us,

x R

My Identity Crisis

(??? - source)

This has been a recurring theme in my life lately. For reasons that are nothing short of a reflection of me, it has been a difficult and yet relieving transition.

We all experience hurt. Anyone that tells you that pain is for the weak clearly has no passion. But we've all heard sentiments that go along the lines of "without the rain, we can't appreciate the sunshine" or "you don't know what it feels like to succeed if you've never failed". Similarly, you won't know what happiness is without having suffered from some form of pain in your past. It builds character, and, to quote my Psych prof, each transaction with the universe leads you in some direction or another and it impacts you in a very profound way, whether or not you realize it.

Without going too deep into the philosophical stuff, I wanted to touch on this issue of "identity". 

My later elementary and high school years were marked with aspects of inner battles with myself due to the climate that I was in. High school, as I quickly learned, was kind of like TV but less flashy and could stand to be more vicious than the plastic cheerleaders that paraded around fictional high school grounds. And while I had a solid group of friends to lean on, I had always struggled with trust and transparency. I look back now in life and regret the many times that I trusted people that I shouldn't have, and all the times I refrained from trusting those that I truly trusted. 

I've always had trust issues. My trust issues ultimately made me close in on myself at multiple points of my adolescent life, and it led me down some scary paths and roads that sometimes I wish I didn't take. Most notably, depression, disordered eating, and attempts at suicide.

But it wasn't until recently that I noticed myself having incredibly meaningful discussions about life, choices, and identity. At the beginning of this semester I started taking a faith study with 9 other girls on what it truly means to be a Catholic. We are called to evangelize and to bring all people closer to God. It reminded me that despite the bumpy road that I may have had growing up, God has destined something truly great for each one of His children - all 7 billion of them and counting.

Talking in great depth with friends about our life stories to date gave me a new found appreciation for choice and identity. As one friend described to me, "There are choices I made, some fantastic and some poor, but I wouldn't trade a single one of them. All of them make up me, and I wouldn't be the me I am right now if I had chosen otherwise." Some people had lamented poor choices in their past, wishing that they could turn back time and do it all over again. Others stood back in awe of their good and not so good choices, realizing that each tiny detail had amounted to who they currently are. Regardless of what end of the spectrum you identify with, I think we can all agree that our lives are made up of choices that we have made, meaning that even something as small as choosing to smile in the morning can impact your life path in some way or another.

Our identity is so important - it is who we portray ourselves to be in the world, and I cannot emphasize enough the importance of not hiding who you are. I remember high school being a tricky time for this: I hid so much of my identity to different people, playing different characters in different social circles. But none of those pictures fully showed who I was: it was different parts of the puzzle complete with some noticeable gaps. And I'm not sure when in my life I decided to forgo what people thought in a "take it or leave it" attitude, but being myself - all of myself - never felt so liberating.

I don't apologize for being a woman. I don't apologize for being Chinese. I don't apologize for being Catholic. I don't apologize for identifying as someone with depression or someone who has had suicidal thoughts. I no longer deny my past, my beliefs, and my culture. And I think that no one should have to conceal who they truly are.

I'm not telling all of us to go out and be self-righteous and pompous people. Embrace yourself and your identity; don't apologize for it. Accept the choices that you made in the past and forgive yourself for the difficult ones you had to make. Love yourself and treat yourself with respect.

Your identity is important, and it is special. Don't let your fear of conformity get in the way of your true identity.

x R

We're Not Breaking Up, Just Changing it Up

Put quite simply, life happens. Things change, people grow up, and life moves on whether you are ready for it or not. And the great thing is, even though I don't have any clue what my life is going to be like or what tomorrow brings, I have to keep reminding myself that that is okay.

It's crucial to set goals, have some blueprint of a plan and ambition so that you aren't wasting time and going forth into life bravely but blindly. Planning ahead will pay off, I promise - but the one thing I need to change is rigidity.

Change sucks for me. Failure is even worse than that. And though I have failed time and time again, I constantly get caught off guard, despite the fact that I've come to this same conclusion many times before.

In my most recent post (that is not so recent anymore, I'm sorry!!!) I discussed in brief my current relationship with music and piano in particular. I had plenty of great ambitions and a solid timeline that I wanted to meet. But most of all, like many narcissistic beings, I wanted something to show my worth. I needed something that would validate all of my hard work - something physical, something tangible, something that screamed "You did it and you rock".

In piano and some other instruments, that gold standard came with an Associate of the Royal Conservatory of Music  diploma. Since I began taking exams at the age of 9, I was dead set on one day walking across the stage in the purple regalia to get that diploma. At that point I was also set on spending the rest of my life doing music. Music was something I loved, and I wanted nothing more than to teach for the rest of my life.

Life changed, things happened, and I began to see that something was not quite right. I loved music and still do, don't get me wrong. But other things began to crop up that weren't really playing to my favour. After an incredibly awful experience at a festival, I sat back from it weeks later and thought about it. I thought about it a lot. 

We can all assume that after that experience, it didn't make piano attractive for me at all. And I know, we all fall down sometimes and we have accept the failures before we can move onto the triumphs. But in other aspects of life, I got the failure part and I worked hard to make sure that those failures didn't repeat themselves. With piano, I stopped. I felt like I was hitting a brick wall and I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

It wasn't until very recently that I radically changed the course of my path, with a story too technical and long to go in depth here. It hurt so much to step back and humbly accept the fact that what I had been telling people - the goal that I had advertised for years - had to be revised. I felt like I let so many people down, including myself, and that I couldn't go out into the world with the confidence that I once had. Because if this is what happens with something that was such an integral part of my life, what's going to happen when I don't find myself behind the news desk?

This aspect of humility was something that my parents told me time and time again when I was fighting to figure out what I wanted to do with my relationship with piano. And of course, parents are ALWAYS right. But today the truth that my parents had told me all along was brought to me in a different way, and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There was a guy that I knew that made his mind up about a lot of things, and his measure of success was dependent on achieving certain "checkpoints". For him, his gold standard was medical school. He worked tirelessly all throughout high school to get high grades, and for a while, that was all he focused on. He was a bit cocky about things too, telling his ambition to everyone and looking down on other people and what he presumed to be "lesser achievements".

Today, however, I saw a different side of him, admittedly the first time that I ever felt sympathy towards him. He confided in me the trouble he was having: his classes were mentally and physically draining, he wasn't pulling the marks he wanted, he was having trouble sleeping and he even cried to his parents about it. He then said with some uncharacteristic resignation that he might just scrap med school altogether. And despite the bias that I had held about this guy for the longest time, for once in my life, I felt sad for him. I felt sympathetic, and on some weird level, I related to him. His struggle was my struggle, and suddenly the universe shifted.

Like at mentioned at the outset, goals are important to guide your focus and give you motivation. But just the way that trips sometimes go awry and performances bring up surprises, you need to learn to go with it and improvise: don't throw your whole plan out the window and start again from square one, but also remember to never be afraid to fail and make a change.

This is a lifelong concept that I know that I will struggle to contend with when something else crops up in the future. Our plans are not ours alone - they're His.

x R

My Brain is Overwhelmed

I should be studying for my midterms but my thoughts and words have been jumbled up in my mind for far too long. I have finally found a point of clarity so that I can jot down all of my thoughts to sum up the feelings/confusions/situations as of late. Apologies for not writing in so long and apologies also for the difference in content this time around - but  I guess hey, this did start off as a personal blog, right? And I'm learning, so I guess there is a place for that here.

1. Moving forward with my dreams.
It's no secret that writing takes up a significant portion of my life, especially during grade 12 onwards and even more so now. Writing for the student news paper and contributing to two blogs has kept me on my toes and busy (hence neglect here), and it has really inspired me to just keep thinking, observing, and writing. Even if the only person that reads my piece is the editor that edits my work, I am so grateful for the opportunity to move ahead with something that I love. I feel like I finally found my niche at school. On top of this, an added bonus is being able to work alongside some incredible people that share the same interests and love for writing as I do. Every time I see my name in print it brings me so much joy, but I remember always that there are so many people behind me that have helped me get to this point.

2. Departure from other things.
I haven't been as open about this because I am still trying to sort my feelings out. After playing piano for nearly 13 years with the intention of starting my diploma process this June, I recently found out that I am ineligible to take the path that I had prepared nearly a year and a half for. I was devastated. I can put blame on no one but myself for not looking into this sooner. But having this sudden rupture in my plan has begun to put things into perspective for me; #1, Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men has never had more weight on my life than right now, #2, I am forced now to re-evaluate my relationship with music. Before I was just emotional about it; it was really the longest relationship I had ever had with anything. But after crying about it, being frustrated and mad about it and having broken a few things, I feel like it's time to say good bye - to part of it. I still love teaching and I still love serving at Mass with music. Music once was my life and my everything, but now I'm beginning to see that it's not. And that's unfortunate, because, forget about the countless hours of preparation and practice. What really chokes me is how much my parents have invested into me. I will never be able to pay back the thousands of dollars, and I can't even come back with a parchment that shows that I made use of it. This hurts me so much. But I don't want to play anymore if it's just going to be stress. And this is what it has become for me. I really need to dig deep and refocus my view on piano, because this is toxic and I don't like it.

3. You left/Toxicity pt. 1.
Speaking of toxicity, remember always that you don't deserve to be in relationships (romantic of otherwise) that make you feel terrible. Long story short, I had a misunderstanding with you and we finally sorted it out. Those kinds of things always gave me anxiety, but I'm glad we had this talk. What is bothering me is that now you just left me behind. You're ignoring me, giving me zero eye contact, not returning my messages, etc, etc. And this was after you said - to my face - that I could rely on you if ever I needed someone. I see now that karma is quite powerful, because it's true, clinginess makes me distant. I have yet to learn how to maturely deal with people who are clingy. It's a strong character flaw, I know. I get that these things that you are doing to me now, whether or not you realize it, was probably exactly what I did to you. And that's fine, that's cool. But at least I responded when you called, even when I didn't feel like it. I helped you when you asked, even though you never thanked me. The least you could do is actually look up when I say hi. So here I am, contemplating whether or not I should just cut you off completely. Because I really don't deserve to stress out over something so irrelevant in my life.

4. I found out/Toxicity pt. 2.
I used to have incredibly strong feelings about you, to the point where I cried about you at night. And when you finally showed interest in me, I thought that I was the luckiest girl in the world. But over time, every time I saw you, I began to see parts of you unfold that I didn't understand. You didn't tell your friends about me, you were inconsistent with your affection, and I think that all you really wanted from me was someone to satisfy what you couldn't get from other girls. And that's my fault for going along with it. But here's the thing, I'm done with that because I know that I deserve better. What I did was wrong. Though I said yes then, I'm saying no now. And I came to this realization when you broke my belongings. So simple. So nit-picky of me. But if you can't treat my belongings with respect, then how do I know that you'll treat me with respect?

5. All my eggs in one basket.
I really wanted this project to work out. But it's so difficult to see all our hard work producing no results. Constant reminder to stay humble and keep trying. All in God's time.

6. "So Christmas, right?"
Have I ever mentioned how difficult it is to live with a sister - a younger sister - who has such a beautiful and strong relationship with a boy that brings out the best version of herself? I reserve the right to retract that comment until I meet him. But I don't know, I guess it's kind of a rite of passage, and being the oldest I thought that by now I would have had some kind of success and some form of long-standing, loving relationship. Mine come nowhere close to what my sister has, and there are days where I am envious and other days where I just ask God where my soulmate is. I keep asking my sister when I can meet him so that I can really see what he's like, and thank him in person for taking care of my sister and bringing a different kind of happiness into her life that is exclusive to them and different from what we as a family can give her. In the meantime, I'm still waiting.

7. Pain.
I am so thankful that I have recently begun seeing a chiropractor. The pain in my upper back has been unbearable lately, to the point where I can't sleep. But aside from pain, sleep hasn't been coming to me lately.

8. Constant reminder.
Seeing an ex-boyfriend that hurt me around campus sucks. But these deep feelings of hate that I harbour towards him is a constant reminder that I am not fully over the whole thing, thus I haven't fully forgiven him. How do you begin to forgive someone who has done unforgivable things to you? God, give me the grace to find that forgiveness. I know that the sooner I forgive him, the sooner I don't have to feel irrationally angry.

9. Lent.
Looking for that extra purpose to make Lent more meaningful this year.

10. Him.
My general like for guys always starts the same way - I can't stop thinking about him. But since I don't know where this is going to go and I don't even know if he likes me back, I'm trying my best to let things happen by themselves and focus on what is in front of me. I know that all the times I have interfered before, it has left me with disappointment. But what doesn't help is how great he is.

Thanks for bearing with me, and I promise for actual content soon.

x R