We're Not Breaking Up, Just Changing it Up

Put quite simply, life happens. Things change, people grow up, and life moves on whether you are ready for it or not. And the great thing is, even though I don't have any clue what my life is going to be like or what tomorrow brings, I have to keep reminding myself that that is okay.

It's crucial to set goals, have some blueprint of a plan and ambition so that you aren't wasting time and going forth into life bravely but blindly. Planning ahead will pay off, I promise - but the one thing I need to change is rigidity.

Change sucks for me. Failure is even worse than that. And though I have failed time and time again, I constantly get caught off guard, despite the fact that I've come to this same conclusion many times before.

In my most recent post (that is not so recent anymore, I'm sorry!!!) I discussed in brief my current relationship with music and piano in particular. I had plenty of great ambitions and a solid timeline that I wanted to meet. But most of all, like many narcissistic beings, I wanted something to show my worth. I needed something that would validate all of my hard work - something physical, something tangible, something that screamed "You did it and you rock".

In piano and some other instruments, that gold standard came with an Associate of the Royal Conservatory of Music  diploma. Since I began taking exams at the age of 9, I was dead set on one day walking across the stage in the purple regalia to get that diploma. At that point I was also set on spending the rest of my life doing music. Music was something I loved, and I wanted nothing more than to teach for the rest of my life.

Life changed, things happened, and I began to see that something was not quite right. I loved music and still do, don't get me wrong. But other things began to crop up that weren't really playing to my favour. After an incredibly awful experience at a festival, I sat back from it weeks later and thought about it. I thought about it a lot. 

We can all assume that after that experience, it didn't make piano attractive for me at all. And I know, we all fall down sometimes and we have accept the failures before we can move onto the triumphs. But in other aspects of life, I got the failure part and I worked hard to make sure that those failures didn't repeat themselves. With piano, I stopped. I felt like I was hitting a brick wall and I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

It wasn't until very recently that I radically changed the course of my path, with a story too technical and long to go in depth here. It hurt so much to step back and humbly accept the fact that what I had been telling people - the goal that I had advertised for years - had to be revised. I felt like I let so many people down, including myself, and that I couldn't go out into the world with the confidence that I once had. Because if this is what happens with something that was such an integral part of my life, what's going to happen when I don't find myself behind the news desk?

This aspect of humility was something that my parents told me time and time again when I was fighting to figure out what I wanted to do with my relationship with piano. And of course, parents are ALWAYS right. But today the truth that my parents had told me all along was brought to me in a different way, and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There was a guy that I knew that made his mind up about a lot of things, and his measure of success was dependent on achieving certain "checkpoints". For him, his gold standard was medical school. He worked tirelessly all throughout high school to get high grades, and for a while, that was all he focused on. He was a bit cocky about things too, telling his ambition to everyone and looking down on other people and what he presumed to be "lesser achievements".

Today, however, I saw a different side of him, admittedly the first time that I ever felt sympathy towards him. He confided in me the trouble he was having: his classes were mentally and physically draining, he wasn't pulling the marks he wanted, he was having trouble sleeping and he even cried to his parents about it. He then said with some uncharacteristic resignation that he might just scrap med school altogether. And despite the bias that I had held about this guy for the longest time, for once in my life, I felt sad for him. I felt sympathetic, and on some weird level, I related to him. His struggle was my struggle, and suddenly the universe shifted.

Like at mentioned at the outset, goals are important to guide your focus and give you motivation. But just the way that trips sometimes go awry and performances bring up surprises, you need to learn to go with it and improvise: don't throw your whole plan out the window and start again from square one, but also remember to never be afraid to fail and make a change.

This is a lifelong concept that I know that I will struggle to contend with when something else crops up in the future. Our plans are not ours alone - they're His.

x R

I am a Music Educator, Not a Magician.

This has been weighing on my mind for quite some time, and I would like to share this with all of you.

First, let me preface this by saying that I am beyond grateful for my 12+ years of becoming a musician and falling in love with music. I am grateful for the sacrifice that my parents have made to put me and my sisters through piano lessons and always telling ups to do our best. I am grateful for the many music mentors and teachers that I have had over the years that have given me their patience and shared their love of music with me. I am also grateful for the opportunity that I have had to be a music educator myself, sharing my love and knowledge of music with a younger generation.

For the past four years I have been tutoring and teaching piano lessons privately and through my old piano studio (which is another blessing). All of the kids that I have had the privilege of teaching have been, without a doubt, blessings in my life. Yes, it would be dishonest of me to say that every child is a cakewalk and that every situation is an easy one. But the reality is, sometimes teaching can get difficult, whether it is a musical skill, instrument, or even something not music-related such as sports, languages or concepts.

As am music educator, I want to make it clear what my role is.

I am just what the job description says. I am a music educator, and not a magician. My job as an educator is to bring music into your life, give you tips and pointers on how to improve and go the extra mile and to motivate you to do the best that you can and be the best that you can be. I want students to put in the hard work and see the results that way, instead of just giving them the "easy" way out and cheap praise.

However, this is easier said than done. People want to see quick and immediate results. They do not want to wait 5 or 10 years before they see results. This is not a realistic of feasible goal. You cannot expect to go from music-less to Mozart over night. It would be unrealistic of me to push this goal onto my students. My job is not to give students a magic pill so that they can become a virtuoso musician. That has to be earned and worked at.

As it happens, students are often frustrated with their slow progress. A discussion I had with a parent had brought a lot of doubt into my mind, hence this post and a heavy heart. I questioned whether or not I was adequate enough to even begin to teach kids piano. I questioned whether or not I fully understood what I was getting myself into, and whether or not I fully understood the role of my job.

This discussion reminded me that piano, like many other activities, requires dedication and hard work. The relationship between a teacher and a student is not a one way street. Students need to practice - it is their job! You cannot expect progress with practice. With practice, you will go upwards and improve, little by little. The progress is not great to start with, but over time you grow in your craft and earn mastery over it. It is with this practice that a teacher can supplement the hard work that you have put in. I say 'supplement' because the critiques that teachers give should not replace the work that is already put in.

It works the same way with being a member of a sports team. You need to train and go to practice to improve. Without going to practice and demonstrating your technique and skills, how will your coach know whether or not you can handle a game? How will they know that you are dedicated? Coaches put their best players out on the field in order to create favourable situations for a win. 

With music, your "win" is the mastery of your skill.

Let me mention that I see both sides of the relationship equally. Currently, I am still a music student working at a goal that I have been dreaming over for a few years now, and that is a Diploma in Piano Pedagogy with the Royal Conservatory of Music in Toronto. I feel the pains of finding time to practice, the feeling of discontent when I cannot get a piece right and also the feeling when I have disappointed my teacher. However,  I also have experienced the great joys that come out of playing a piece with finesse, making my teacher proud and being able to demonstrate a clear understanding of what I have learned over the years. Music is one of those things in life where determination and discipline is crucial in order to succeed, and it is a lesson that I have brought with me everywhere to this day.

I would be lying to you if I told you that this path was easy. In fact, there have been times when I felt like dropping out and not playing anymore. Piano has taught me to never give up and to practice even harder when you feel like you are not getting anywhere. Because if anything, you are progressing even when you feel like you are regressing. Mastery is a slippery slope - you need to keep going up, because the minute you plateau, it is difficult (but not impossible) to continue upwards.

They say that "practice makes perfect", and in this respect, it is so true. Find the drive and the discipline to practice and give your teacher a reason to praise you. Remember that this relationship, like so many others, is a two way street. Music educators cannot give you their hands and brains for you to play the perfect piece. Instead, we can only give you a critique of what you have done well and what you can improve on. The rest is up to the student: practice, endure, and excel.

I feel that this concept can apply to anything that you wish to excel in. Without discipline and hard work, we would take our talents and gifts for granted. Push yourself to improve and never accept just mediocrity. 

Oh, and show some love to your fellow mentors and teachers too. :)

Your fellow music educator and ink spiller,

x R

(PS - here is a #tbt of me in Banff with a super nice Steinway)

I Don't Need A Man (Yet)

Last week I began working as a volunteer at Newton Elementary school as part of a pilot program called Racing Readers. Racing Readers is a partnership between Simon Fraser University, the TD Community Engagement Center and the City of Surrey School District. It was my goal at the beginning of my university career to become more engaged in my community, and this program has answered my prayers.

Along with other volunteers, I have the opportunity to work once a week with children in grades 3-5 doing physical activity like circuit training, running and games (hence "racing") and literacy activities such as reading and journal writing (hence "readers"). Even though I am two weeks in, I am so humbled to work in this position as a volunteer with other students who want to help these kids.

The cool thing about kids is how open they are. Yesterday during my second session, some of the girls that I had spent time with the previous week spent more time with me. One of the girls, who is 8 years old I believe, asked me the following question:

"Do you have a husband?"

I laughed and I said no, I am not that old. She then laughed too and then asked another question.

"Do you have a boyfriend? I really want a boyfriend. One that will buy me all the toys that my mom won't buy for me."

I laughed at this, but inside of me I was surprised and shocked. Not at the fact that her mom would not buy her toys (the nerve of that mother!), but at the fact that she wanted a boyfriend at such a young age.

Her friends nodded their heads in agreement. One of them piped in to talk about her older sister's boyfriend and how much fun they had together.

"I think I'd have way more fun with a boyfriend."

This really shocked me. These girls, if I may remind you, are 8-9 years old. This was an alarming thing to hear, and yet, not so alarming at the same time.

The "I want a boyfriend" phenomenon has seemed to take off in young girls, but even girls my age hum and haw over finding their one true love. "Forever alone" has become a lamentation. "One true pairing" is the goal. And don't forget the relationship goals of making breakfast with, snuggling with, stargazing with, or exploring with your significant other.

(http://txmblevibes.tumblr.com/)

I suppose I would be foolish to say that at one point I did not have this yearning for a boyfriend, or even that from time to time I feel a pang of wistfulness and hope for the one to come along.

But I want to share something.

You do not need to keep searching. You do not need to constantly put yourself out there. You do not need a man (or woman)... yet.

Personally the past few months have been busy, crazy and filled to the brim. There was no time to think, only time to do. There was limited time to spend with friends, which made me sad. On top of that, there was definitely no time for boys.

Yes, there would be the occasional looker in lecture that made me swoon. But I told myself that I was not going to be actively looking. I would wait until it was my turn, and when that turn comes, I will know.

I guess you can say that after a couple disappointments and life lessons, I decided to hold out on the dream of finding my one true pair. I decided to focus on my studies, deepening my faith through Catholic Christian Outreach, making new friends and connections, deepening my relationship with my family and above all, finding out where my life will eventually lead.

At the end of the day, I found that there was no time to even think about boys or how to impress this one or that one. And in the long run over this term, I found myself happier. Not because I think boys are unnecessary, but because I was not expecting to fall in love with someone and not beating myself up because of it.

I am not saying that I am confident that someone will come along. I feel that there has to be the right balance of waiting and pursuing, but only when I am ready. Like what I told the girls at Racing Readers, "Not every boy will be a Prince Charming. But when the right one comes, he will be your Prince Charming. Until then, love yourself and love your friends and family - they are the ones that will get through the good times and the bad times even before your future boyfriend comes along."

Furthermore, I want this person to love God just as much as they love me. I am willing to get my life together and figure out who I am before I jump into anything long term with the end result being wedding bells.

Ironically, the new Taylor Swift song "Blank Space" has resonated deeply within me ever since I listened to it for the first time last week. "So it's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames", she says. This has never articulated teen love so realistically, especially with so many young relationships ending with friendships being broken. No one deserves to have friendships broken or have them go down in flames - I am willing to wait for my forever, the forever that everyone deserves.

I can't believe that the semester is already over! Here is to new experiences, new lessons, new friends and love for all, and spill ink while you do.

x R

Are YOU "All About That Bass"?

I am sure that by now, everyone has heard this song by now at least once. Much to the dismay of myself, I will be linking it at the very end of this post so that you can listen to it, dance to it, do what you will with it...

I am going to be very frank, in the nicest way possible: the song "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor is not my cup of tea. Putting it bluntly, the song will not be on my playlist any time soon, even if it is a body peace playlist.

Now, I must commend Trainor for going against the social norm and coming up with a song to celebrate body shapes of all sizes. "Every inch of you is perfect / From the bottom to the top". However, I never really had the patience to actually listen to the song, maybe in part because I could not get past the music that the song opened with. 

However, the other day I did take the time to listen to the song. With it being so popular, I had the privilege to listen to it all the way through more than once. Now typically, I need to listen to a song a few times before I can get most of the lyrics in my brain and be able to sing along. With "All About That Bass", just one listen all the way through gave me all I needed to hear.

Before we proceed, I must reassure you that in no means do I disagree with body peace and loving yourself, regardless of shape or size. I just do not agree with how Trainor gets her message across.

Take it from me, a girl who has struggled with her own body weight. As a girl, I suppose I am more susceptible to insecurity, especially about my appearance. My body has once been described as an ideal shape, but being insecure, I did not agree. It took me many years until I finally was able to accept beauty as being unique. There is no set formula for beauty - it is what YOU make out of it.

Listening to  Trainor's song made me extremely uncomfortable. I agree, that "Photoshop shit ain't real" and we are being brainwashed by the media to think that these bodies are necessary to attain. And speaking for other boys, saying that curvy girls are better? No no. All girls are equal. Skinny is not superior to curvy, and curvy is not superior to skinny. The REAL message here is that you should never change yourself for a guy (or vice versa, change yourself for a girl).

The biggest problem I have with the song is the second verse. "Skinny bitches"? Really Meghan? It almost seems like she is apologizing for her vulgar statement with the line "No I'm just playing". In a society where vulgar language is interjected in between every other word in our sentences, I find this usage (or any usage in any song, for that matter), highly unnecessary. And calling those "skinny bitches" "stick figure, silicone, Barbie doll" is drawing extreme stereotypes. There are some girls that are naturally built that way, and that is fine - that is STILL beautiful. 

Some people might be thinking that I feel this way because I am considerably "skinnier" and that I have no idea what these people might feel. I assure you, by my own definition of skinny, I am far from it. However, recently I have learned that if I stop comparing myself to other people (and especially those on magazine pages), I will feel much happier.

And so far, I am succeeding.

A few months ago, I watched a TED Talk by Lizzie Velasquez. She is a motivational speaker and was able to fulfill her dreams of being an author. She suffers from a very rare condition where she is unable to gain weight. Having never weighed over 64 pounds a day in her life earned her the title of the "World's Ugliest Woman". But I disagree. Her hardship is an inspiration to all, and she continued to fight for herself, successfully graduating from the University of Texas and has shared her message with people all over the world. Velasquez is the epitome of skinny, but in her own way, she is beautiful, inside and out.

(http://centreo.hk/wp/?tag=ted-talk) 

So tell me, Meghan Trainor - is Lizzie beautiful?

Every inch of you is beautiful from the bottom to the top. You do not need Meghan Trainor to tell you that. You know it, but deep down, we all strive for something more. We never feel like we are good enough. But I assure you, you are. You are more than enough.

I have a cut out from a magazine that I stuck on my closet. Every morning when I wake up, I see it, and it says,

"Have you thanked your body recently for all it does for you?"

Thank your body for what it does for you. Remember that size and shape does not matter. So take care of yourself, live your life for you and spill ink while you do so.

By the way, I found the music video to be a bit disturbing. So I will just link an audio and I won't subject you guys to that.

x R

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Thanks to everyone for reading! For more body peace and self-acceptance posts, check these out:

"Perfection"

"40 Days of No Makeup"

"God Spoke to Me"

A Girl Twice Her Age

12 years old

Have you ever noticed how much older girls are trying to look?

When I was 12 years old, I think that the extent of my knowledge of the human anatomy was really, really limited. I stuck to watching Lizzie McGuire (before Family channel got weird and cancelled on my TV) and thought that the only way to meet cute boys was to sneak out of the house and go to a really dim coffee house to "study".. and for the record, Ethan Craft was not even that cute! I wore clothes from Old Navy and Wal-Mart - "Forever 21" and "H&M" was not in my fashion vocabulary.

But then you look at 12 year old girls now, and the difference is startling. Not just in the TV shows that they watch, or the clothes that they wear, but their massive knowledge of everything, their familiarity with social media, and in general, how much older they look.

The other day I was at Target picking up a box of hair dye. A rule in my house was that I was not allowed to touch my hair with colour until I graduate, and even when I did graduate, it had to be a natural colour. So while my dreams of having dark purple hair was crushed, I was still quite excited to go choose a new colour for my hair.

While I was browsing the aisles, I came across a girl, about 11 or 12 (but as mentioned above, they look way older than they should), throwing a temper tantrum. Her mom was rolling her eyes and trying not to argue, but everyone around could tell that she was upset and wanted her daughter to stop acting childish.

This girl was wearing a crop top that I had seen in Forever 21 and super short, acid wash jean shorts. They are shorts where the pockets hang out from underneath. She had over the knee socks (sheer black, of course) and was wearing a pair of Converse. The most staggering thing about her appearance was her bright red, Ariana Grande trademark hair. She was holding a box of blonde hair dye, and from the looks of her temper tantrum, it looks like Ariana Grande was not turning blonde any time soon.

Despite the fact that this girl had the ability to change her hair way, way before I did, I'm sure she also got a phone before I did (I saw that fall out of her pocket while she threw the tantrum), and on that phone she probably texts boys, Snapchats, tweets and updates her Facebook status. She probably goes to the mall with her friends and Instagrams her Starbucks and takes shameless bathroom selfies...

...All things that admittedly, I have done once or twice at my ripe old age of 18.

But it is quite scary to me, to think that girls today are growing up in this massive mess of a world. Girls are expected to look a certain way, eat certain food and be up and ready to date by 14.

Going back to the Lizzie McGuire example, I am more than certain that Lizzie and her friends were 13 during the show. Was I this boy crazy at 13? Was I allowed to go out to the mall by myself or with my friends? Could I hang out with a boy?

To all the above, the answer is no.

Nowadays, I see girls half my age ordering frappucinos and watching movies like recent release "The Fault in Our Stars". As I walked out of the theater, very young girls (10? 9?) rushed out with their moms, drooling over Augustus Waters and asking their moms where they will find their own Augustus Waters.

Really? 

At 18

It is incorrect to ask if these girls understand the context of the movie and what is happening, because chances are, they do. Due to social media and Internet being so widely used and easily accessed, information can be found everywhere. If (spoiler alert) I saw that scene of Hazel and Gus rushing into the room at 10 years old, I would have thought that they were just having an innocent, co-ed slumber party. But at 18, we all know what is really happening. The unfortunate thing is that girls as young as 10 probably have the same understanding of the scene as I do now, and I am nearly double their age.

Furthermore, if girls have the same knowledge and understanding of something so mature, then that also means that they are vulnerable to more mature thoughts as opposed to carefree thoughts. I started really caring about how I looked when I entered high school, and looking back on old photos, I cringe at how I looked and what I wore. But young girls today are constantly bombarded with lingerie ads with skinny models, and in turn, 13 year-olds try to strive for the unattainable excellence of a Photoshopped body. Girls are starting to develop at younger ages, and more young girls are starting to have depression, anxiety, OCD and anorexia and bulimia.

These girls are aging faster than their time!

It scares me that young girls (my younger sisters included) are learning more and more about the world than they should at certain ages and not fully understanding what it all means. I am worried that my sisters and their friends are too consumed by what society wants then what they want. I am worried that in time to come, "childhood innocence" will cease to exist.

Take care of your daughters and sisters. Expose them to the sunshine and the world beyond the computer screen. Instead of Tumblr sunsets, offer them a real one. Let them know that there is a Prince Charming out there, but you will not find him on Facebook (because that's creepy). Show them that their body is enough, and it is pretty amazing regardless of shape. Remind them that they are loved, regardless of how much they now and what mistakes they have made.

I hope that the solution to this rising pandemic is to unplug and spending quality time with one another. 

So turn off your phones and relax. Talk in person, love the young girls in your life and spill ink while you do.

x R

"My head's under water but I'm breathing fine"

Gotta love John Legend and his smooth voice and lyrics that make you die and die again at how romantically sweet yet challenging and questioning they are to the listener.

It's been a while, and a lot has changed between then and now.

For starters, I suppose I should explain the significance of that line. Not only is it the song of the moment for me ("All of Me" by John Legend) but also because it accurately frames the state of life I'm in, literally and metaphorically. I think that the two ultimately do tie together into a big knot of issues but surprisingly, what I thought was an issue turned out to become something even better.

I seem to have lost my mind. Bits of my past, fragments of my memory and pieces of my imagination have some how been taken away from me after one incident in the Philippines. Basically lack of water and sleep led to fainting, which led to a hospital trip, which led to sleeping the rest of the day, which led to the present issue at hand, not remembering that day (fair enough) or various parts of recent personal history.

Was there a fall and head trauma involved? Did I hit something? Did my head jerk back in the motion of falling and being caught by someone? Is this even normal?

According to doctors, it is. My friend told me that this is the body's way of "flushing out" this memory, this trauma, that had happened. And maybe, just maybe, it took other things out with it in the process.

Regardless of what happened, I was left to wonder about who I was at that moment. I was confused with my relationships with certain people. It's funny, because the earliest memory I had was the end of last summer. I remember vividly the hell that he who shall not ever be named again had put me through. Yet, whatever had happened to me between then and now - especially the good things, which I yearned to remember - were taken away from me. I was in blackness. I was underwater.

Despite being underwater, I had to carry on and start from scratch. Apparently, the biggest thing I had lost was my relationship with you. I couldn't remember you, me and what we had. What had happened between us. Where we were going, what we were doing. It was that moment when I saw you for the first time again, and, from what people have told me about myself, I looked at you blankly. How did I look at you before? What went through my head when I saw you?

In that moment, I wondered how real this was. How strong my feelings were, how strong we were. And you told me that what we had, it was special, it was true.

So now, I have to start over and rebuild.

Why this happened, I can't answer. I honestly can't remember what life was like before hand with you or with others. Good or bad, I suppose this is a second chance. No matter where I am taken, I am thankful that this was the most serious part of the entire ordeal. Anything worse and I could be even more lost.

I guess this is how it all works out. My head is still underwater but I'm breathing fine. I can get through this.

No one ever said that life is easy. No one ever said that starting over was easy. But this time, I'm glad to have been given the opportunity.

Enjoy life, savour every moment, and spill more ink while you do.

PS - "All of Me" by John Legend