My Brain is Overwhelmed

I should be studying for my midterms but my thoughts and words have been jumbled up in my mind for far too long. I have finally found a point of clarity so that I can jot down all of my thoughts to sum up the feelings/confusions/situations as of late. Apologies for not writing in so long and apologies also for the difference in content this time around - but  I guess hey, this did start off as a personal blog, right? And I'm learning, so I guess there is a place for that here.

1. Moving forward with my dreams.
It's no secret that writing takes up a significant portion of my life, especially during grade 12 onwards and even more so now. Writing for the student news paper and contributing to two blogs has kept me on my toes and busy (hence neglect here), and it has really inspired me to just keep thinking, observing, and writing. Even if the only person that reads my piece is the editor that edits my work, I am so grateful for the opportunity to move ahead with something that I love. I feel like I finally found my niche at school. On top of this, an added bonus is being able to work alongside some incredible people that share the same interests and love for writing as I do. Every time I see my name in print it brings me so much joy, but I remember always that there are so many people behind me that have helped me get to this point.

2. Departure from other things.
I haven't been as open about this because I am still trying to sort my feelings out. After playing piano for nearly 13 years with the intention of starting my diploma process this June, I recently found out that I am ineligible to take the path that I had prepared nearly a year and a half for. I was devastated. I can put blame on no one but myself for not looking into this sooner. But having this sudden rupture in my plan has begun to put things into perspective for me; #1, Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men has never had more weight on my life than right now, #2, I am forced now to re-evaluate my relationship with music. Before I was just emotional about it; it was really the longest relationship I had ever had with anything. But after crying about it, being frustrated and mad about it and having broken a few things, I feel like it's time to say good bye - to part of it. I still love teaching and I still love serving at Mass with music. Music once was my life and my everything, but now I'm beginning to see that it's not. And that's unfortunate, because, forget about the countless hours of preparation and practice. What really chokes me is how much my parents have invested into me. I will never be able to pay back the thousands of dollars, and I can't even come back with a parchment that shows that I made use of it. This hurts me so much. But I don't want to play anymore if it's just going to be stress. And this is what it has become for me. I really need to dig deep and refocus my view on piano, because this is toxic and I don't like it.

3. You left/Toxicity pt. 1.
Speaking of toxicity, remember always that you don't deserve to be in relationships (romantic of otherwise) that make you feel terrible. Long story short, I had a misunderstanding with you and we finally sorted it out. Those kinds of things always gave me anxiety, but I'm glad we had this talk. What is bothering me is that now you just left me behind. You're ignoring me, giving me zero eye contact, not returning my messages, etc, etc. And this was after you said - to my face - that I could rely on you if ever I needed someone. I see now that karma is quite powerful, because it's true, clinginess makes me distant. I have yet to learn how to maturely deal with people who are clingy. It's a strong character flaw, I know. I get that these things that you are doing to me now, whether or not you realize it, was probably exactly what I did to you. And that's fine, that's cool. But at least I responded when you called, even when I didn't feel like it. I helped you when you asked, even though you never thanked me. The least you could do is actually look up when I say hi. So here I am, contemplating whether or not I should just cut you off completely. Because I really don't deserve to stress out over something so irrelevant in my life.

4. I found out/Toxicity pt. 2.
I used to have incredibly strong feelings about you, to the point where I cried about you at night. And when you finally showed interest in me, I thought that I was the luckiest girl in the world. But over time, every time I saw you, I began to see parts of you unfold that I didn't understand. You didn't tell your friends about me, you were inconsistent with your affection, and I think that all you really wanted from me was someone to satisfy what you couldn't get from other girls. And that's my fault for going along with it. But here's the thing, I'm done with that because I know that I deserve better. What I did was wrong. Though I said yes then, I'm saying no now. And I came to this realization when you broke my belongings. So simple. So nit-picky of me. But if you can't treat my belongings with respect, then how do I know that you'll treat me with respect?

5. All my eggs in one basket.
I really wanted this project to work out. But it's so difficult to see all our hard work producing no results. Constant reminder to stay humble and keep trying. All in God's time.

6. "So Christmas, right?"
Have I ever mentioned how difficult it is to live with a sister - a younger sister - who has such a beautiful and strong relationship with a boy that brings out the best version of herself? I reserve the right to retract that comment until I meet him. But I don't know, I guess it's kind of a rite of passage, and being the oldest I thought that by now I would have had some kind of success and some form of long-standing, loving relationship. Mine come nowhere close to what my sister has, and there are days where I am envious and other days where I just ask God where my soulmate is. I keep asking my sister when I can meet him so that I can really see what he's like, and thank him in person for taking care of my sister and bringing a different kind of happiness into her life that is exclusive to them and different from what we as a family can give her. In the meantime, I'm still waiting.

7. Pain.
I am so thankful that I have recently begun seeing a chiropractor. The pain in my upper back has been unbearable lately, to the point where I can't sleep. But aside from pain, sleep hasn't been coming to me lately.

8. Constant reminder.
Seeing an ex-boyfriend that hurt me around campus sucks. But these deep feelings of hate that I harbour towards him is a constant reminder that I am not fully over the whole thing, thus I haven't fully forgiven him. How do you begin to forgive someone who has done unforgivable things to you? God, give me the grace to find that forgiveness. I know that the sooner I forgive him, the sooner I don't have to feel irrationally angry.

9. Lent.
Looking for that extra purpose to make Lent more meaningful this year.

10. Him.
My general like for guys always starts the same way - I can't stop thinking about him. But since I don't know where this is going to go and I don't even know if he likes me back, I'm trying my best to let things happen by themselves and focus on what is in front of me. I know that all the times I have interfered before, it has left me with disappointment. But what doesn't help is how great he is.

Thanks for bearing with me, and I promise for actual content soon.

x R

Change Needs More Than Slacktivism

Bell Let's Talk Day. Since 2010, the campaign has committed more than $100 million to mental health initiatives across Canada. In the past 6 years, initiatives such as this and Mental Health Awareness week has definitely helped to make gains in the fight against stigma. We are more educated and more aware than ever before.

But despite the gains that we have made, let's not pat ourselves on the back just yet.

Last year on this day, I discussed how an initiative such as Let's Talk Day .very important to me. Social media is a great thing in that, when used positively, it can helped to spread awareness at the touch of a finger. The better part is the fact that with every tweet or call made on the Bell network on this day, 5 cents will be donated to various mental health initiatives. This makes it easy for anyone to get behind an incredible cost with minimal cost to themselves.

At the same time, something like this makes it easy for anyone to get behind the same cost with minimal effort.

Enter: slactivism.

(Oh no, Ryan Gosling doesn't like slacktivism. From Giphy.) 

                                   
20 years ago, before social media even existed and the Internet was a figment of our imaginations, activism took the form of sit ins, rallies, lobbying, petitioning and protests. There were people that were devoted to a cause - women's rights, environmentalism, ending youth violence - and these people made it part of their life to fight for these causes.

The advent of hashtags and sharing articles on Facebook, it has become incredibly easy to learn about something, become temporarily moved or enraged, and then move on. In the sea of social media, it is sometimes difficult to differentiate between those that actually care and those that are just jumping onto the bandwagon. Hashtags like #BlackLivesMatter during the wake of police brutalities and shootings against African Americans in the United States and #JeSuisCharlie after the horrific shootings at the Charlie Hebdo offices in France brought major world incidents to life in an instantaneous fashion. Suddenly the entire world was able to connect and humanity was able to mourn together.

But simply hashtagging a cause 'just because' doesn't really do anything substantial. Even in a case like Bell Let's Talk, I know for a fact that my Twitter timeline will be flooded with #BellLetsTalk - I myself will be tweeting any chance I get. I'm not saying that what we are doing is wrong, but we need to remember that all of these causes extend just beyond the day itself. Activism and awareness should not just be a one day thing, it should be everyday.

A similar example comes with Pink Shirt Day and the quest to eliminate bullying from schools and workplaces. The students behind Pink Shirt Day were inspired to create this initiative in response to bullying that they saw against a male student who was wearing a pink shirt. Since its beginnings in 2007, Pink Shirt Day has been supported every year to raise awareness.

(Source)

The idea is a great one, and the cause is one that is so important, especially since bullying is such a prevalent issue in our schools and workplaces. But wearing a pink shirt for a day isn't going to solve anything in the long run, and neither is tweeting the hell out of a hashtag. Because if people fall back into their old ways after all the fanfare is over, then we are back to square one with nothing achieved. And unfortunately, this kind of behaviour happens more often than we'd like to think.

I'm not saying that we should boycott these initiatives. Obviously initiatives need to start somewhere, and this is how we get the discussions going.  We need to bring this dialogue into our homes, classrooms, and office spaces. It isn't enough to have an anti-bullying day - we need to have anti-bullying everyday.

"Activism and awareness should not just be a one day thing, it should be everyday."

We need to teach our students that every child has worth and value, regardless of ethnicity, religion, gender or socioeconomic status. We need to teach empathy and acceptance of their classmates, and themselves. We need to educate our students on the important issues of the day and about the world in which they live in - a world where violence and indifference does exist. We need to inspire these students that this violence and indifference doesn't have to exist if we take a stand together. That these students could be a generation where real change can happen.

But if we just resort to our little universes and strive after #squadgoals and just tweet things just to show other people that we actually care about current affairs, then our society will just plateau and go nowhere.

This year's Bell Let's Talk Day is on Wednesday, January 27. Definitely take part in the cause, because it's a great one. But also remember what the purpose is, what the discussions are surrounding the cause, and consider doing some research or engaging in open dialogue with others on the topic if you find passion in it. And it doesn't have to be mental health or bullying - whatever you care about and find passion in, I encourage you to learn more about it, see the different sides of the argument and see what you can do to help advance the cause.

Change needs more than slacktivism. Real change comes when we all come together and engage.

Let's change the world!

x R

Seek Out Your Potential, Not Theirs

Lately I have become really disappointed in myself. Not because it's day 10 of 2016 and I fell through on my new year's resolutions. Not because I cheated on my diet (because, what diet?). And it's not because I'm feeling down on life - in fact, I'm feeling way more optimistic about it than I ever was.

I came to a realization the other day that I have been going about my relationships the wrong way. In short, I've been too busy seeking out other people's potential and seeing how they can serve me. Particularly, that of my relationships with guys. Let me explain further.

I've been single for as long as I remember, and I'm not complaining. There are a lot of great things that you can do when you're single - a lot of self-reflection, me time, hanging out with good friends and focusing on things like wellness, school, and career aspirations. But of course, having a significant other is great for other reasons - a plus one for different events you may be going to, a personal cheerleader, someone to be intimate with and someone to help you grow to be the best person you can be.

(You go, Adele. from giphy.com)

                 
So being single and seeing friends in long term, successful relationship - or just seeing relationships in my midst - makes me wish that I had someone to call my own as well. And what has made me disappointment in myself are the thoughts that I have about new people that I meet.

It happens so quickly that I don't notice it. This probably means that it has happened a lot over time, and because of it, my brain has created a shortcut once a trigger occurs. The minute I shake hands with a guy I run through a mental checklist - "great eyes", "nice smile", "funny", "firm handshake", "awesome style", "hey, he's Catholic too!" - a checklist that I have used, over and over again, to determine the 'potential' of a guy.

Namely, the potential of going the distance and potentially becoming my plus one.

OH MY GOODNESS RACHEL WHY ??????

(.... - from giphy.com)

                 
I had this realization when I shook hands with a new guy at the beginning of the semester. He was tall, dark hair and dark skin, good looking and was pursuing a degree in Economics. All the check marks were going off (and he was pretty charming too), but I was making assumptions even before we really got to know each other. And then it hit me: was I considering him as 'the one'?

This really started to mess me up, because as I met more and more guys, the feelings were the same and the criteria was flying around in my mind. And it was awful, because I couldn't stop thinking about these things and how they stacked up against other guys that I knew.

But worst of all, I was more concerned about what they could do for me, when instead, I should be focusing on what I can do for others - guys AND girls, young and old.

I kept asking what these guys could do for me. For example, I would weigh the pros and cons. Okay, so he's not as cute as (insert name here), but he is quite intelligent. And he's tall, so when we walk we'd look cute...

UGH WHY

I am single for a reason, and it is no fault of the male population. I am single not because I haven't found the right guy to achieve the highest score on Rachel's Ultimate Guy test or fulfill all the criteria on my check list. I am single because I am simply not ready. God knows that, and I'm starting to see that as well.

(You will catch all the spiders, my dear. from http://smileslovesyou.tumblr.com/post/77389479933)

Being single should be an opportunity for me to learn new things, grow in maturity and to learn independence. I should be preparing for the commitments that will come my way when the time (and the right person) comes along. We are all given these opportunities at different times, depending on our life paths and what we are capable of.

I crave for the moment when I can finally tell someone that I love them and have them reciprocate those same feelings. But each day shouldn't be driven by the quest to find 'the one'. Each day should be driven by my quest to become a better person so that I can offer my best self to someone in the near (or not so near) future. And once I find that person, our days together should be driven by challenging each other to get better and better.

Until then, I will wait patiently and keep my heart open.

Yours (well, not quite),

x R

                                          

What It's Like to Be Catholic... and Depressed

I can proudly say that I am a Catholic. Though I have had my fair share of ups and downs with my faith growing up, it wasn't until getting to high school that I was really able to embrace it and share it. It has become much easier now to share with others that I am Catholic without feeling shy about it.

However, being opening up about depression is a different story altogether. It wasn't until recently that I began to open up about my struggles through different pathways such as this blog and the Speak Out Blog, for which I contribute to.

I have begun to talk to more and more people about mental illness and other things that surround the topic. I'm not really sure what came over me, but I guess the biggest thing is that I wanted to stop finding excuses to validate my depression.

We don't need reasons to be happy, because sometimes we just are. In the same way, we shouldn't need reasons to explain why we are down or depressed or anxious.

But there was just one, tiny problem. I remember talking with other Christians about the whole issue of depression and suicide. It is through those conversations that I opened myself up and talked a little bit about my past experiences - namely, I've been depressed for a while and had thoughts of suicide in high school.

The people I talked to would look back at me in disbelief. "But you're Catholic, you aren't allowed to be depressed. God said so."

Now before I go on, I would just like to pause and say that this is not me having beef with other Christians, nor am I ragging on them for their seemingly narrow-minded ways. I am open to other Christians - I have friends who are Christians and non-Catholics. And while there are minor differences in certain practices, the God is still the same. The paths are different, but the end goal is the same.

Okay, push play.

In conversations that followed, I got more or less the same reaction, along with sprinklings of "you need to be baptized ASAP" and "you're going straight to hell". It made me question all my feelings, but it also made me somewhat fearful. Was I really going to hell because I had thought about suicide a couple times?

But the hardest hitting one, and the one that sparked this post, was this one:

"Why are you acting so selfish? Are you not grateful for what God has given you?"

Whoa, okay.

(umm... from giphy.com)

Let me be clear of one thing: I am not just grateful, I am EXTREMELY grateful. I know how lucky I am to be born in this part of the world and to be in a family that loves me. I have access to a home, to food, to education, and I am healthy. I'm lucky that I wake up every day so that I can write more pointless words so that people can read them (though I really hope that they aren't pointless).

Having depression, or any other mental illness, does not make you selfish. Wanting to commit suicide is not selfish, and committing suicide is not selfish.

Any person who has suffered from depression will know that we have very heavy hearts. We feel more than sad - we feel down on life, like the world's odds are stacked against us. On top of that, we feel like we are burdening everyone - family, friends, and others - with our depression.

So we don't talk about it, in part because we don't want to burden people, but also because 1) we don't want to admit that we need help and 2) we don't want to be shunned or thought of as "problematic" or "different". But as we all know, not talking about any kind of problem perpetuates more problems, and suffering alone sucks. It absolutely sucks.

Being a Catholic was an extreme clash inside of me. On the one hand, I know exactly what the Church teaches on life and death - we value from conception to it's natural end. So that's why we care so much about abortion and euthanasia - not because we want future babies and terminally ill people to suffer, but because we don't dictate the value of life and we don't decide who's life ends because of our socially constructed "life value". Similarly, by taking our own lives prematurely, we would be going against the same Creed we recite every Sunday.

However, God is good. He knows that we make mistakes, that we all fall down, and that sometimes, life is hard. Feeling depressed does not make you ungrateful. Committing suicide does not make you selfish.

Hearing these conflicting ideas, I think, ultimately kept me from going through with anything serious. There were many points when I wanted to end it all, but in those quiet moments where I felt something that had some semblance of sanity, I weighed the pros and cons. Sure, my pain and suffering would be over, but I would rot in hell. This logic ran through my head over and over, and I felt incredibly guilty for it. I didn't want my family to grieve, and I didn't want to be labelled as selfish, as a failure, or as someone who just couldn't suck it up.

(http://nedhardy.com/2013/09/24/24-comics-that-capture-the-true-essence-of-depression/)

Admittedly, despite the fact that I have met some incredibly supportive friends and have done more research on the topic, I have always felt guilty of my depression and thoughts of suicide. But it wasn't until a few months ago, when I watched this video about Kevin Hines, a man who attempted suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. He is one of the very small percentage of people that survived the fall, and now shares his story with others in hopes of bringing more awareness to the topic of mental illness.

You can watch the video here - and I encourage you to take 5 minutes to do so:

Regardless of your faith, know that you are not being "selfish" or "ungrateful" if you are depressed, anxious, or suffer from any other mental illness.

You are still human. You don't need reasons to feel this way - and you shouldn't have to provide reasons either.

Sorry for ranting,

x R

                                 

New Year, Same Me

(Happy New Year, from Ross Geller. From giphy.com)

Happy new year to everyone! It's so strange to write 2016 at the beginning of my journal entries every time I write in my journal. The stranger thing is how quickly 2015 has gone by and how things have changed. 2015, like any other year, has been a year with ups and downs, successes and hardships. But all in all, it was a great year like the many before it.

With each new year comes the sentiments of opening a new book, turning over a fresh leaf and starting with a blank canvas litter our social media and conversations. New Year's resolutions have become almost obligatory, from trying to lose weight to eating healthier to even swearing less when you're behind the wheel. I remember in elementary school when the first writing activity of the year would be to write about our New Year's resolutions.

Over the years, my priorities and goals changed. I would always rely on the safe but standard "be a better kid" and the questionable "get smarter". As I grew up and self image began to plummet, I would tell myself that I wanted to lose 10 pounds by this date, eat healthier, work out more and clear up my skin. But time and time again I would lose track and frankly give up. The white flag would go up around February/March, and by my birthday (in April) I would be hating myself for being lazy and scolding myself for biting off more than I could chew.

I have become submissive to this fact, not to say that I am weak, lazy, or lack motivation. But there is a kernel of truth my scoldings. Telling myself to lose 10 pounds is ideal, and I could definitely stand to work out more so as to help myself lead a healthier lifestyle. Getting smarter is great too, but behind this "smartness" is the necessities of hard work, effective time management and motivation.

But beyond this, my goal every year was to be a better person than I was the year before. This year, I wanted to take a different approach to this.

I look back on the year that has passed and I think back on what my weaknesses and shortcomings were. There were definitely scenarios that I could have handled better, words I shouldn't have said, and fights that I shouldn't have picked. All of these incidents have become learning pages in an ongoing book, a story of my life. And while I had this resolution last year to be a better person, people fail. As humans, we all fail, and that's life.

But when the new year comes, we can't rip out the bad pages, throw them out in hopes of forgetting the past and pretend like they didn't exist. We need to learn from them and build on them. We can't be complacent, especially in this goal to being a better person. So this means that each year shouldn't be viewed as a blank canvas or empty book. Your canvas is still filled with marvelous colours and your book is a story in progress. 

(Etch a sketch. from gifmania.co.uk)

Life isn't an Etch a Sketch, where we shake away our sketches because we aren't satisfied and start over from scratch. The past is the past, and there is nothing that we can do to change it. But what we can change is how we look at the future. That, and learning from our past mistakes, can propel us into better things.

Take your resolutions with your past in mind, and don't beat yourself up if you don't make it. That being said, also make sure that your resolutions are attainable. 

Finally, have a great year. It's called "Happy New Year" for a reason: be happy that you've made it to see a new year. Learn from your mistakes and move forward bravely and boldly.

You can do it.

With love,

x R

                                  

Don't Let Them Hide You

"He is the love of my life."

Or so I thought at the time. You know those people that you have "forever crushes" on? The ones that you liked a lot at one point, but then you realized how dumb it was, but you continued holding onto the feelings in hopes of a someday? 

That was my life for the past 3 years or so.

(Same. from giphy.com)

                                 

Aaron* was the first person who I felt was much more mature and different from all the other guys that I had liked previous. Maybe it was the fact that he was a little older that I had a different feeling about him. But of course, with him being older I had shut my own dreams down prematurely. I had already decided that he probably would want nothing to do with someone who was younger than him. After all, there were already girls his own age chasing after him, so there would be no contest: I wouldn't win, ever.

So I gave up, but the feelings continued. There is something about "forbidden love" and admiration from afar. I dreamed at night about the day that we would finally be together and how awesome it would be. And for a while, it seemed to go my way: he began to take notice of me and we began talking and getting to know each other. It continued until we were separated, although temporarily. But despite the age difference and the separation, we made it work and son after we began hanging out with each other; not everyday or every week, but every few months. It sucked, but I saw him. And it wasn't just one-sided: he wanted to spend time with me too.

At one point I told him that I liked him and that I wanted to pursue something more than friends. And being the rational person that he was, he said that he 1) wasn't ready to date someone yet and 2) wasn't sure if "us" would work out, being that we were at different stages of our lives. As much as that hurt, I understood and went along with it. It made me sad to think that he didn't want me at the moment, but I moved on and things worked out between us... sort of.

We would see each other every so often on a very irregular basis. With each time he saw me, Aaron would get a little more adventurous. He would always tell me that what we had - our friendship - was strictly just a friendship and nothing more. He always said that he didn't deserve someone like me and that I was too perfect/beautiful/good to date someone terrible like him. And I would tell him the opposite; that he wasn't terrible at all. In fact, he made me happy, he listened to me whenever I was down and he supported me through a lot of hard times.

But the trouble was his "adventurous" side, which entailed hand holding, cuddling and even occasional kisses. The thing was, we weren't together. He wasn't my boyfriend. Neither of us were seeing anyone and both single. But deep down, something didn't feel right.

On top of this, Aaron had very confusing mannerisms. He would want to hold hands in public, but if we walked through an area where he suspected that he would see someone he knew, he let go. If we saw his friends, he would ask me to walk away from him so that "they wouldn't ask questions". If we went to a restaurant or a store where his friends worked, he wouldn't introduce me. And when he drove me home, he would always drop me off a block away from my house just so that my parents couldn't ask him any questions.

But after all these weird things were done, he would come back to hug me, hold my hand, and lace his texts with hearts and kissing faces. Who he was in public with me was very different than who he was in private.

Despite realizing all these little nuances, I let this persist. I let him use me and I let him change his mind about different things. I would obey his command to walk ten steps behind him, get off a block away in the pouring rain, and even to kiss him. He wasn't my boyfriend and I wasn't his girlfriend, so in reality he doesn't really have that kind of power over me - and yet, in some weird way, he did.

The worst part was the fact that he would always say "I love you". After a relationship gone extremely wrong and a horrific breakup, I have always had difficulty saying that phrase. Even innocently to my friends or to my family members (whom I love so, so much), I can't bring myself to say it out loud. So hearing him say that to me, even though I know that it means nothing to him whatsoever, hurts. And I would never say it back to him. I would only smile or nod, and then he would always say "You know what I mean... it's so difficult to explain my appreciation for you, so I just say that I love you."

It wasn't until I was lying in bed the night after our most recent outing that I called bullshit. Sure, he might appreciate me and really enjoy my company, but it's not really that difficult to explain appreciation. "Thank you" is a really good place to start.

But being manipulative and using loaded phrases like "I love you" isn't a good way to do it, especially when you turn it into an empty phrase with no meaning whatsoever.

Of course, I know that this is not all Aaron's fault. The fact that I bought into this the first couple times, being the naive girl that I am, is all on me. I let this persist and I let it continue to happen, so for that, I take responsibility.

 

(whoa. from http://thoughtsonlifeandlove.com/abusive-relationships-2/\)                                      

Unfortunately, this kind of thing happens in actual relationships. If left alone and not confronted, this could lead to emotional abuse, something that is just as terrible as physical abuse. 

I know that I'm not one to say how you should be in a relationship (because let's face it, I'm still single and have been for a gazillion years!), but what I have learned from the ones I have been in and my interactions with different people is that we all have a right to feel comfortable in our own skin and be treated with respect by everyone. And especially in a relationship, you shouldn't be hidden - you should be shown off.

My mom always told me that if you're dating someone who is being very "shady" and doesn't show you off to their family and friends, then you should raise a red flag. Those that truly love you will want to tell the world about you. There is a difference between waiting for the right time and perpetually evading the topic. 

Essentially, someone that is hiding you from their life doesn't truly love you. And that is the kicker. So many times we think that this is a phase that he/she will grow out of, and because you love them you agree with them and go along with it. But what about what you think? Don't you get a say in the relationship? Why are they constantly suggesting that you don't meet their family or don't meet their friends, and why do they constantly get their way?

I had suggested one time that I meet Aaron's parents, and he quickly shut it down by saying that they were extremely busy. The same went for his brother (whom I had seen around a couple times), to which he told me that he didn't want his brother asking any questions.

I couldn't understand what he was hiding, because I was 99% positive that I wasn't his girlfriend.

(It's over. from giphy,com)

If you're not sure about a relationship, then don't make any sudden moves. Don't say misleading things and definitely don't act like that person is under your power. All the same, if you find yourself in a similar situation, you have every right to walk out. It's going to hurt to cut that person out of your life after a lot of invested time, but you have got to start some time.

I'm not saying that I am going to cut him, cold turkey, from my life. But I do know that I deserve more respect and that I should be putting more time into myself and surrounding myself around people that will not hide me.

And you should too.

Cheers,

x R 

*Name changed

Short Stories, Poetry, Artwork and More - LYRE 7

Hello wonderful people! I have an exciting announcement for you all:

Last year I was an editor and contributor for The Lyre - an undergraduate student run literary magazine that features short stories, prose, poetry, travel logs, photography and artwork from students not just from SFU but around the world. The Lyre is run by the World Literature Student Union at SFU and I had such a wonderful time working with some awesome people on creating a literary masterpiece.

While I am not working on it this year, I will most likely be submitting pieces, and I encourage you to do the same! Submissions for all kinds of writing (short stories, prose, poetry, etc) and artwork (photography and illustrations) are open for this year's magazine, themed "Identity and Language." The deadline for all submissions is January 31, 2016.

More information can be found here!

Until next time.

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