Seek Out Your Potential, Not Theirs

Lately I have become really disappointed in myself. Not because it's day 10 of 2016 and I fell through on my new year's resolutions. Not because I cheated on my diet (because, what diet?). And it's not because I'm feeling down on life - in fact, I'm feeling way more optimistic about it than I ever was.

I came to a realization the other day that I have been going about my relationships the wrong way. In short, I've been too busy seeking out other people's potential and seeing how they can serve me. Particularly, that of my relationships with guys. Let me explain further.

I've been single for as long as I remember, and I'm not complaining. There are a lot of great things that you can do when you're single - a lot of self-reflection, me time, hanging out with good friends and focusing on things like wellness, school, and career aspirations. But of course, having a significant other is great for other reasons - a plus one for different events you may be going to, a personal cheerleader, someone to be intimate with and someone to help you grow to be the best person you can be.

(You go, Adele. from giphy.com)

                 
So being single and seeing friends in long term, successful relationship - or just seeing relationships in my midst - makes me wish that I had someone to call my own as well. And what has made me disappointment in myself are the thoughts that I have about new people that I meet.

It happens so quickly that I don't notice it. This probably means that it has happened a lot over time, and because of it, my brain has created a shortcut once a trigger occurs. The minute I shake hands with a guy I run through a mental checklist - "great eyes", "nice smile", "funny", "firm handshake", "awesome style", "hey, he's Catholic too!" - a checklist that I have used, over and over again, to determine the 'potential' of a guy.

Namely, the potential of going the distance and potentially becoming my plus one.

OH MY GOODNESS RACHEL WHY ??????

(.... - from giphy.com)

                 
I had this realization when I shook hands with a new guy at the beginning of the semester. He was tall, dark hair and dark skin, good looking and was pursuing a degree in Economics. All the check marks were going off (and he was pretty charming too), but I was making assumptions even before we really got to know each other. And then it hit me: was I considering him as 'the one'?

This really started to mess me up, because as I met more and more guys, the feelings were the same and the criteria was flying around in my mind. And it was awful, because I couldn't stop thinking about these things and how they stacked up against other guys that I knew.

But worst of all, I was more concerned about what they could do for me, when instead, I should be focusing on what I can do for others - guys AND girls, young and old.

I kept asking what these guys could do for me. For example, I would weigh the pros and cons. Okay, so he's not as cute as (insert name here), but he is quite intelligent. And he's tall, so when we walk we'd look cute...

UGH WHY

I am single for a reason, and it is no fault of the male population. I am single not because I haven't found the right guy to achieve the highest score on Rachel's Ultimate Guy test or fulfill all the criteria on my check list. I am single because I am simply not ready. God knows that, and I'm starting to see that as well.

(You will catch all the spiders, my dear. from http://smileslovesyou.tumblr.com/post/77389479933)

Being single should be an opportunity for me to learn new things, grow in maturity and to learn independence. I should be preparing for the commitments that will come my way when the time (and the right person) comes along. We are all given these opportunities at different times, depending on our life paths and what we are capable of.

I crave for the moment when I can finally tell someone that I love them and have them reciprocate those same feelings. But each day shouldn't be driven by the quest to find 'the one'. Each day should be driven by my quest to become a better person so that I can offer my best self to someone in the near (or not so near) future. And once I find that person, our days together should be driven by challenging each other to get better and better.

Until then, I will wait patiently and keep my heart open.

Yours (well, not quite),

x R

                                          

Don't Let Them Hide You

"He is the love of my life."

Or so I thought at the time. You know those people that you have "forever crushes" on? The ones that you liked a lot at one point, but then you realized how dumb it was, but you continued holding onto the feelings in hopes of a someday? 

That was my life for the past 3 years or so.

(Same. from giphy.com)

                                 

Aaron* was the first person who I felt was much more mature and different from all the other guys that I had liked previous. Maybe it was the fact that he was a little older that I had a different feeling about him. But of course, with him being older I had shut my own dreams down prematurely. I had already decided that he probably would want nothing to do with someone who was younger than him. After all, there were already girls his own age chasing after him, so there would be no contest: I wouldn't win, ever.

So I gave up, but the feelings continued. There is something about "forbidden love" and admiration from afar. I dreamed at night about the day that we would finally be together and how awesome it would be. And for a while, it seemed to go my way: he began to take notice of me and we began talking and getting to know each other. It continued until we were separated, although temporarily. But despite the age difference and the separation, we made it work and son after we began hanging out with each other; not everyday or every week, but every few months. It sucked, but I saw him. And it wasn't just one-sided: he wanted to spend time with me too.

At one point I told him that I liked him and that I wanted to pursue something more than friends. And being the rational person that he was, he said that he 1) wasn't ready to date someone yet and 2) wasn't sure if "us" would work out, being that we were at different stages of our lives. As much as that hurt, I understood and went along with it. It made me sad to think that he didn't want me at the moment, but I moved on and things worked out between us... sort of.

We would see each other every so often on a very irregular basis. With each time he saw me, Aaron would get a little more adventurous. He would always tell me that what we had - our friendship - was strictly just a friendship and nothing more. He always said that he didn't deserve someone like me and that I was too perfect/beautiful/good to date someone terrible like him. And I would tell him the opposite; that he wasn't terrible at all. In fact, he made me happy, he listened to me whenever I was down and he supported me through a lot of hard times.

But the trouble was his "adventurous" side, which entailed hand holding, cuddling and even occasional kisses. The thing was, we weren't together. He wasn't my boyfriend. Neither of us were seeing anyone and both single. But deep down, something didn't feel right.

On top of this, Aaron had very confusing mannerisms. He would want to hold hands in public, but if we walked through an area where he suspected that he would see someone he knew, he let go. If we saw his friends, he would ask me to walk away from him so that "they wouldn't ask questions". If we went to a restaurant or a store where his friends worked, he wouldn't introduce me. And when he drove me home, he would always drop me off a block away from my house just so that my parents couldn't ask him any questions.

But after all these weird things were done, he would come back to hug me, hold my hand, and lace his texts with hearts and kissing faces. Who he was in public with me was very different than who he was in private.

Despite realizing all these little nuances, I let this persist. I let him use me and I let him change his mind about different things. I would obey his command to walk ten steps behind him, get off a block away in the pouring rain, and even to kiss him. He wasn't my boyfriend and I wasn't his girlfriend, so in reality he doesn't really have that kind of power over me - and yet, in some weird way, he did.

The worst part was the fact that he would always say "I love you". After a relationship gone extremely wrong and a horrific breakup, I have always had difficulty saying that phrase. Even innocently to my friends or to my family members (whom I love so, so much), I can't bring myself to say it out loud. So hearing him say that to me, even though I know that it means nothing to him whatsoever, hurts. And I would never say it back to him. I would only smile or nod, and then he would always say "You know what I mean... it's so difficult to explain my appreciation for you, so I just say that I love you."

It wasn't until I was lying in bed the night after our most recent outing that I called bullshit. Sure, he might appreciate me and really enjoy my company, but it's not really that difficult to explain appreciation. "Thank you" is a really good place to start.

But being manipulative and using loaded phrases like "I love you" isn't a good way to do it, especially when you turn it into an empty phrase with no meaning whatsoever.

Of course, I know that this is not all Aaron's fault. The fact that I bought into this the first couple times, being the naive girl that I am, is all on me. I let this persist and I let it continue to happen, so for that, I take responsibility.

 

(whoa. from http://thoughtsonlifeandlove.com/abusive-relationships-2/\)                                      

Unfortunately, this kind of thing happens in actual relationships. If left alone and not confronted, this could lead to emotional abuse, something that is just as terrible as physical abuse. 

I know that I'm not one to say how you should be in a relationship (because let's face it, I'm still single and have been for a gazillion years!), but what I have learned from the ones I have been in and my interactions with different people is that we all have a right to feel comfortable in our own skin and be treated with respect by everyone. And especially in a relationship, you shouldn't be hidden - you should be shown off.

My mom always told me that if you're dating someone who is being very "shady" and doesn't show you off to their family and friends, then you should raise a red flag. Those that truly love you will want to tell the world about you. There is a difference between waiting for the right time and perpetually evading the topic. 

Essentially, someone that is hiding you from their life doesn't truly love you. And that is the kicker. So many times we think that this is a phase that he/she will grow out of, and because you love them you agree with them and go along with it. But what about what you think? Don't you get a say in the relationship? Why are they constantly suggesting that you don't meet their family or don't meet their friends, and why do they constantly get their way?

I had suggested one time that I meet Aaron's parents, and he quickly shut it down by saying that they were extremely busy. The same went for his brother (whom I had seen around a couple times), to which he told me that he didn't want his brother asking any questions.

I couldn't understand what he was hiding, because I was 99% positive that I wasn't his girlfriend.

(It's over. from giphy,com)

If you're not sure about a relationship, then don't make any sudden moves. Don't say misleading things and definitely don't act like that person is under your power. All the same, if you find yourself in a similar situation, you have every right to walk out. It's going to hurt to cut that person out of your life after a lot of invested time, but you have got to start some time.

I'm not saying that I am going to cut him, cold turkey, from my life. But I do know that I deserve more respect and that I should be putting more time into myself and surrounding myself around people that will not hide me.

And you should too.

Cheers,

x R 

*Name changed

It's Never a Good Time to Date

I got warm fuzzy feelings from watching them.

From where I sat, I put aside my studying to watch my friend, Stephanie*, talk to a guy - a guy that had been the subject of many previous conversations. A guy that I would always tease her about. A guy that she was meant to be with.

I can see it in her face that she is happy around him. It's the type of happiness that is very rare for her. Her dad left when she was in elementary school and her first boyfriend had cheated on her. Needless to say, she hadn't had the best experiences with guys.

I tell her this when she finally comes over to see me, 10 minutes later than our proposed meeting time. And while she apologizes, I ask er what puns the guy - Darren* - was making this time to make her laugh so loud.

This would begin our banter about him. I am happy that she is so elated to have found someone special to spend time with. I then ask her if she would want Darren to ask her out, and how she would respond to it. Stephanie mulled over the question about it, and then, to my surprise, said that she wouldn't. Not because she wanted to friend-zone him or because she didn't see herself with him, but because she wasn't sure of what the future had in store for her. Particularly:

"I don't know if someone better is going to come along. I want to make sure that this someone is perfect and special."

There seems to be a division between whether or not it is better to date around to find the perfect fit, or if we should wait for the perfect fit - if there even is one - finds you. I personally agree with Stephanie that I want to meet the right one: someone who is kind, caring, respectful and honest.

However, younger and younger girls are starting to find themselves on the "dating" scene, looking for potential boyfriends. And this is alarming, especially because when we were that age, we weren't thinking about dating at all. It was one thing to have a crush, but another thing to actually date him.

If this were the Victorian age this wouldn't be so alarming - in fact, many young girls would probably be getting ready to be married off at this point. But at the same tie, their courtship practices was really different from ours. For one thing, they actually had a built in room for dating, called a parlour. Most likely all Jane Austen, Brontë family-esque novels that you may have read probably made a reference (or five) to the parlour.

(Yup, it doesn't get any sexier than this. Credit: http://neovictorianparlour.blogspot.ca/2013/02/victorian-romance.html)

The purpose of the parlour was a place where the eligible young man would come to the house of the lady and they would sit and talk in the parlour for hours until it was dinner time, in which the young man would leave. But here's the catch - the parlour faces a ginormous window with huge curtains that are drawn back so that everyone walking about outside can see the courtship happening in action. It was like Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Victorian Age.

But obviously times have changed and the way that we date and when we date is drastically different from before. Jumping back to my friend Stephanie, she had dated one guy previous to meeting Darren. This ex had broken her trust and left her with a really uneasy feeling for relationships.It is natural, then, to want to be extra cautious of the next guy because you don't want to find yourself in "The Cheating Boyfriend: The Sequel".

So maybe, we need to have an inward look at ourselves to see if we are ready for commitment and relationship, what our motives are, and what we want from the relationship. Having a clear understanding of self and knowing what your goals are in life are good to establish before you have someone else come into the picture.

Not everyone is going to be lucky enough to date one person and marry that same person. And while some relationships may end in disaster, it's important to learn from the relationship and grow from it. Even if you decide that you are never going to talk to him again, at least make a learning opportunity out of it. Wish him well, not dead. 

At the same time, take your time with everything. We live in a world where we like to rush things and go super fast. But taking the time to really get to know someone - their likes and dislikes - and seeing how they mesh with you, your family, your friends and vice versa is really valuable, But if you don't go and take the time to meet people, then it's very difficult to see how your personalities match - or clash.

Finally, like I always tell Stephanie, take a chance on him. Stephanie and Darren have known each other for just over a year, and they hang out all the time and have met each other's families. In everyone's minds, it's all the same: Why aren't you together yet?? I can understand Stephanie's hurt and wanting to hold out for someone better. There might be someone better, but there might not be. Love and dating is a bit of a gamble in that sense, but you'll never know unless you try. You never want to settle for less and sell yourself short, but it's also good to realize when you have a good opportunity, whether it's a guy, a job offer, or an experience.

(Thank you Zac Efron. Credit: Tumblr)               

I've had my own issues with boyfriends where it wasn't the right time or we were just too immature to foster a relationship beyond hand holding and all of our friends oohing and aahing. But I feel that we should give each person a chance and see where things go. We tend to generalize, especially during our time of hurt, that all guys (or girls) are heartbreakers and that they will all be the same. I assure you that there are nice people out there. We just need to meet them.

It's never a good time to date, but if the right people are in your life and you have the right motivations, then maybe it's time to make time for that person. Learn from your mistakes and take a chance - after all, what else are you gonna do?

Cheers,

x R

PS - * Names changed

PPS - want to read more mindless banter? I've started using Medium. I kinda suck at it but it's going. Anyhow, I've started a publication on Medium called Personal Life Lessons which is basically a miniature of blog. My goal is to write on it everyday just as a brain warmer-upper (is that even a phrase?) Please check it out, and let me know if you ever want to contribute to it!! :)

"Love is Not Disposable"

Lately I have been taking transit a whole lot because of school, but sometimes I bring it upon myself because I want to go downtown and I am probably going to die driving down there myself. But while transit is sometimes incredibly annoying, one of the more interesting parts of it is people-watching and listening. I can hear my mom saying "you mean eavesdropping?" as she reads this, but let me be clear: as long as you don't react, you're fine. Just take it all in like a sponge but keep your face neutral, regardless of how you feel.

But let's be really honest: sometimes people are not discreet about their dealings and wheelings on transit. Case to point: my transit ride back into Surrey on Monday.

As I stepped onto the Skytrain on Monday afternoon I could already sense something different. But nothing looked out of the ordinary so I just shrugged it off and took a seat. And that was when I realized what was wrong.

From where I was sitting I was facing a young couple who didn't look very couple-y anymore. In fact, I think they were breaking up. I say that because I saw tears and a guy and a girl looking out at opposite sides. They had their backs turned and no words were said. The train began to move.

The whirring of the train picking up momentum must have given the guy the courage to say something, but being that I didn't want to overly eavesdrop or seem too interested I couldn't hear what he said to her. Clearly whatever he did say really made her upset, because she whirled around and said incredibly loudly, "I was your girlfriend. We were in love and you went behind my back. Our love isn't disposable."

And then silence for the rest of the ride until I made it to Columbia. The couple (ex-couple?) stayed on, so I have no idea what happened to them. Hopefully they were able to work something out.

I can only speculate that they were once a couple and then he unfortunately did something that she probably constitutes as cheating.

That's it. That's all I got.

The power in those 4 words hit me. At first I thought, obviously! You don't just throw love away! You work through your problems. You talk it out with your significant other. You have to try your best to work through and push through.

(giphy.com)
                            

Though I haven't been in a relationship for a while, I can somewhat remember the feelings as you go through it.

At the beginning everything is new and exciting and you want to do everything together. Separation sucks, even if it's just for a couple hours. I believe wiser adults have called it the "honeymoon phase".

But it's what comes after that that truly counts. Sure, the first month and a bit will probably be the most fun that you ever have with this person. But once you get to that point where it seems like there is no more fun left to be had, then what do you do? You begin to look commitment in the face: is this really something that you want? Do you really see yourself with this person? Do you really love this person?

Hell, do you even know this person?

It seems like a dumb question to ask, considering that you spent the past month and a half texting them every day, every waking hour of the day, pulling an The Fault in our Stars-esque telephone scene and going out on as many dates as possible.

(giphy.com)

After the honeymoon phase, the blinders come off and you are face to face with this person that you are dating. You begin to see the flaws that he or she may have, little quirks that you didn't know were there before and some things even begin to bother you. For example, it was only after the honeymoon phase that I realized that the guy that I was with said "like" way more than I did. So, like, it would, like, totally, like, interject into, like, his, like, sentences like this. It became so distracting, and the more that I heard it, the more I began to resent it and him.

Now this is where my problem, and I'm sure many other people's, problems begin. At this point, the classic break up line of "you changed" can always be pulled out. I know because it was once used against me. But the thing is that in a relationship, both people change after the honeymoon phase, not just one. We don't think of ourselves as changing because we think we know ourselves really well. But it isn't until we are on the outside looking at ourselves that we realize that we did indeed change.

My problem growing up was that I couldn't accept this change. The dynamics in the relationship suddenly shifted and it was almost as if I was dating someone completely different. For all I know, my boyfriend(s) at the time probably felt the same way about me. So what did I do? Instead of facing the commitment and moving forward with a guy, I ran in the opposite direction. My love became disposable.

And this was how it went for me for most of my high school life. I stayed with a guy until I started to feel a slight change, and then that was it, sayonara my friend.

In retrospect, I realize now that I gave up some pretty incredible guys that were willingly ready to put up with me. And I gave them up because of some really minor things.

If we threw away all of our hobbies because they suddenly changed and got too hard, none of us would be good at anything - we would just be mediocre at a lot of things.

In the same way, our relationships will reach difficult points. I'm learning now that it's not always a bed of roses and that thorns exist. But running from our problems and not being serious about our relationships turns love into something that can be disposable and not valued. Similarly, we won't have life giving relationships, just a lot of mediocrity and what-if's.

I'm not saying that dating other people is wrong. It's the only way that you will truly see if that person is a fit for you. But if you are starting to see potential in this person, take time in developing a relationship where you both learn  about each other and from each other. Having a solid foundation that is built on trust, respect and knowledge will help you to withstand the test of time. You will bring truth to your relationship and be a guiding light for others.

(One of my favourite movies!! - giphy.com)

 In closing, the four words that the girl said above to her boyfriend hit home for me, in part because of everything that I just listed but also because it was used, in an opposite meaning, against me. I was with a guy who, when he broke up with me, said to me that,

        I don't think I can date you because you changed. I wanna throw this love away because of that change. I wanna to start over with someone new.                              - the ex

Yeah, okay. And yes, he too was the one that said to me "you changed".

Not only does this sound like a poorly written, teenage angst filled breakup ballad, but the truth is this guy, held a mirror up to me and showed me exactly everything that I had done up until that point. So in many ways, I guess I deserved it.

So thanks for breaking up with me and showing me what love shouldn't be.

Love shouldn't be disposable.

Until next time,

x R

                     

How One Guy Changed My World

"Don't let love change you, let it help you to grow and change from the growth." 

I heard that somewhere before, and it always resonated with me. Now for the life of me, I can't remember where I got it from. However, I never really understood it until I met one boy that changed me - literally.

I grew up with a bit of an inferiority complex, that most likely came about from childhood bullying. This inferiority complex left me anxious, confused, and always seeking approval. At the same time, I always wanted attention. Because of this "approval seeking", in essence I was always changing myself so that I could blend in. I could be part of the "in crowd" and be what everyone else wanted me to be.

This led me through a maze of phases: label conscious, angry rebel goth, someone who didn't have a care in the world and someone who didn't give a damn about the world. I was changing, but I wasn't growing. This all culminated in disrespect for myself.

Enter Daniel*.

At 17 my life was split down the middle. I was stuck between being comfortable in my own skin and craving attention and change. I was angry, but I didn't know why. But all this changed when Daniel stepped into my life.

I met Daniel in the summer time, and yes, I give you full permission to roll your eyes at this "summer fling", because quite simply, that is what Daniel and I had. But of course, at 17 you don't think about those things. You see beyond the imperfections and the impracticalities. 

I thought that Daniel was perfect, and I thought that he and I were invincible.

Just two weeks into our relationship we already planned out how our senior year was going to work since we didn't go to the same school. He would get his license first and come to see me, and once I got mine, we could go to all the places we wanted to go to, splitting the drives.

Daniel, at first, made me feel special. All this inferiority complex stuff? It didn't exist when I was with him. He put me first, he took care of me, and best of all, he told me every night that he loved me. 

At least, I thought he did.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I see now that I was left with a false sense of security when I was around him. Thinking that my inferiority complex was gone was actually false - it was actually worse than it ever was.

Daniel changed me, beginning with my friends. As our relationship began to progress, our activities went from large groups to small groups, and from small groups to even smaller groups, to the point where we were alone most of the time. And being alone wasn't really the issue - in fact, I enjoyed the privacy from time to time. But the fact that he wanted to be alone with me - and only me - at all times was suffocating at times. When I wanted to hang out with other people, he would question my fidelity. If I was tired, he would ask whether or not I really loved him.

So I followed, and the inferiority complex followed close behind. I wanted his approval. I had his "love", and I wanted his approval even more.

But what I failed to see was his double standard - when he wanted to do something with his friends and I complained, he called me whiny, When he was tired and I asked, he called me needy.

Even with these inconsistencies, I listened and followed. And this continued even as his character changed further, to the point where I made a 180 turn. I changed and changed until Daniel showed his ugly side.

(giphy.com)

         
Daniel loved to drink and party. Drinking led to getting drunk, and getting drunk left Daniel emboldened to experiment new things. He would try his luck at touching me, making moves and getting me to drink. Worst of all, he tried to make me have sex with him.

For the first time, I said no to him. Saying no to him, in the long run, was the best thing that I could ever do. However, at the time, it was a nightmare.

Daniel clearly did not like the word no. In fact, he probably never heard that word before. But saying no to him and standing up to him made him upset, so upset to the point that he had begun to hurt me, physically and emotionally. He called me unfaithful, useless, and unloving. And even worse was the fact that I let this happen. We got into the vicious cycle of fighting, taking breaks and getting back together again, never really discussing our differences, or what hurt me the most, or our expectations. We continued to sweep things under the rug, pretending like nothing happened after we kissed and made up (literally). But the ugly pile of discrepancies continued to pile and pile until one day, he had enough with his pathetic girlfriend.

He told me that he started dating me because he wanted something more in a relationship that his previous girlfriend didn't give him. He wanted physicality. He wanted sex. And at that moment, I realized that we had nothing in common other than the fact that we breathed the same air and we were both right handed.

All of the commonalities that I thought we had were suddenly forced and non-existent. It was reminiscent to the times when I feel desperate to come up with things in common in a Venn diagram at school: I can bullshit all I want, but at the end of the day, my grade will still be mediocre. But somehow, in my mind, none of that mattered until he outright told me what he wanted. And that was something that I never asked for, partially because I wanted to give him benefit of the doubt, but also because I was afraid. I was afraid that he was going to pass me by once I told him what I wanted and what I valued.

Shortly after, he broke up with me, citing "irreconcilable differences" and the fact that I wasn't "fulfilling the physical needs of a relationship". Sad but true, and despite the fact that I knew that he was bad for me, I was hurt beyond belief. I missed him, but at the same time, At the time I hated him for changing me, but even more, I hated myself for falling in love with him.

(giphy.com)

               
I tell this story not for pity or for everyone to help me gang up and find Daniel so that I can beat him up. Daniel is a part of my past, and while unfortunate, has taught me something incredible valuable.

It took me a long time (about 18 months, to be honest), to forgive him. It took me just as long to forgive myself and learn that I, along with everyone else (even Daniel) deserves a person that will love you for who you are. And at the same time, people will naturally change - we all need to find a person that will not only change with us, but grow with us. Someone who facilitates our growth, and not hindering it.

Love is all about growing with one another, embracing the change and helping the other person become the best person that they can be. Stay true to yourself and know who you are first. Realize that change is healthy, but if someone is forcing you to do something that you aren't comfortable with or someone that you are not, then that person does not truly love you.

It may feel like the end of the world when you part ways with someone, but know that standing up for yourself will help you in the long run.

To this day, Daniel and I have never talked and I don't intend on ever doing so. But I thank him for helping me learn (the hard way) about how love is blind, but true love waits.

And I hope you remember that too - you are valuable and deserve the best in the world. Never settle for anything less, and never let people (or things) change you into someone that you are not.

x R

*Name changed

I Don't Need A Man (Yet)

Last week I began working as a volunteer at Newton Elementary school as part of a pilot program called Racing Readers. Racing Readers is a partnership between Simon Fraser University, the TD Community Engagement Center and the City of Surrey School District. It was my goal at the beginning of my university career to become more engaged in my community, and this program has answered my prayers.

Along with other volunteers, I have the opportunity to work once a week with children in grades 3-5 doing physical activity like circuit training, running and games (hence "racing") and literacy activities such as reading and journal writing (hence "readers"). Even though I am two weeks in, I am so humbled to work in this position as a volunteer with other students who want to help these kids.

The cool thing about kids is how open they are. Yesterday during my second session, some of the girls that I had spent time with the previous week spent more time with me. One of the girls, who is 8 years old I believe, asked me the following question:

"Do you have a husband?"

I laughed and I said no, I am not that old. She then laughed too and then asked another question.

"Do you have a boyfriend? I really want a boyfriend. One that will buy me all the toys that my mom won't buy for me."

I laughed at this, but inside of me I was surprised and shocked. Not at the fact that her mom would not buy her toys (the nerve of that mother!), but at the fact that she wanted a boyfriend at such a young age.

Her friends nodded their heads in agreement. One of them piped in to talk about her older sister's boyfriend and how much fun they had together.

"I think I'd have way more fun with a boyfriend."

This really shocked me. These girls, if I may remind you, are 8-9 years old. This was an alarming thing to hear, and yet, not so alarming at the same time.

The "I want a boyfriend" phenomenon has seemed to take off in young girls, but even girls my age hum and haw over finding their one true love. "Forever alone" has become a lamentation. "One true pairing" is the goal. And don't forget the relationship goals of making breakfast with, snuggling with, stargazing with, or exploring with your significant other.

(http://txmblevibes.tumblr.com/)

I suppose I would be foolish to say that at one point I did not have this yearning for a boyfriend, or even that from time to time I feel a pang of wistfulness and hope for the one to come along.

But I want to share something.

You do not need to keep searching. You do not need to constantly put yourself out there. You do not need a man (or woman)... yet.

Personally the past few months have been busy, crazy and filled to the brim. There was no time to think, only time to do. There was limited time to spend with friends, which made me sad. On top of that, there was definitely no time for boys.

Yes, there would be the occasional looker in lecture that made me swoon. But I told myself that I was not going to be actively looking. I would wait until it was my turn, and when that turn comes, I will know.

I guess you can say that after a couple disappointments and life lessons, I decided to hold out on the dream of finding my one true pair. I decided to focus on my studies, deepening my faith through Catholic Christian Outreach, making new friends and connections, deepening my relationship with my family and above all, finding out where my life will eventually lead.

At the end of the day, I found that there was no time to even think about boys or how to impress this one or that one. And in the long run over this term, I found myself happier. Not because I think boys are unnecessary, but because I was not expecting to fall in love with someone and not beating myself up because of it.

I am not saying that I am confident that someone will come along. I feel that there has to be the right balance of waiting and pursuing, but only when I am ready. Like what I told the girls at Racing Readers, "Not every boy will be a Prince Charming. But when the right one comes, he will be your Prince Charming. Until then, love yourself and love your friends and family - they are the ones that will get through the good times and the bad times even before your future boyfriend comes along."

Furthermore, I want this person to love God just as much as they love me. I am willing to get my life together and figure out who I am before I jump into anything long term with the end result being wedding bells.

Ironically, the new Taylor Swift song "Blank Space" has resonated deeply within me ever since I listened to it for the first time last week. "So it's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames", she says. This has never articulated teen love so realistically, especially with so many young relationships ending with friendships being broken. No one deserves to have friendships broken or have them go down in flames - I am willing to wait for my forever, the forever that everyone deserves.

I can't believe that the semester is already over! Here is to new experiences, new lessons, new friends and love for all, and spill ink while you do.

x R