"Genie, You're Free"

When I heard of Robin William's death, I was shocked. A man that has graced my generation with his humour and wit has been taken away from us. I can only believe that he is in a better place, a place with no suffering and no pain.

In many ways, the above quote sheds two different rays of light on not only Williams' passing but the stigma of depression and such mental health issues in our society today. On one hand, Williams is freed from his pain and suffering, from his depression, from his demons. On the other hand, his family will forever live with the grief that a husband and father has been lost. In grief, there seems to be no freedom. At the same time, in pain, there seems to be no freedom either.

People hearing of his death are divided on whether or not suicide is the "right" answer. It is a controversial topic, especially among people like myself who believe in the Catholic faith.

My feelings for this event, though I have never personally met Williams, is overwhelming. I think this may have to do with my own suffering, my own demons. Something that I have always tried to hide.

Personally, I would like to admit that yes, I have gone through depression. Yes, I have seen the darker side of my days and no, it was not easy to face. It is something hard to admit, especially to my family, because we believe in facing up to our problems. Toughening up. Finding help if you really need it. Never to give up.

And admittedly yes, I once found myself in my own despair because I did not want to face up to my own problems. I toughened up against people that were willing to help me. When I needed help, I refused it. And time and time again, I gave up.

I can tell you that not everyone's depression "experience" (if you could call it that) is the same. It is dependent on personal experience most of the time - how things affect you, how things hurt you. It is personal and cannot be generalized. The umbrella term of "depression" is actually more complex than it actually is.

For three and a half years, I found myself on the slippery slope of depression. It may have been my already anxious nature colliding with past experiences of bullying that something inside of me occurred.

There is no way to explain how I felt, other than to illustrate it. I would wake up on a sunny day but it seemed like I had my own personal rain cloud. It followed me like a shadow that I could never outrun. There was a hole in my heart that gradually got bigger and bigger. There was a pain that I could never explain, and I constantly tried to push it away. To my peers and teachers and family, I would try to pretend like nothing was wrong. Because in half of my mind, nothing was wrong. I was normal.

The thing with pain is, it demands to be felt. Pretending like nothing was wrong only worked sometimes. This resulted in non stop arguments, pushing people away, and hurting people in the process.

In the months that followed, an already over emotional teenage girl got thrown around even more because of this depression. I was actively pushing away help. At the height of it all, my family lost my grandfather. He had been sick for the longest time with dementia. The last time I saw him in person, he could not remember any of us. He could not remember my dad, his own son.

When my grandfather passed away, my emotions were heightened exponentially. Around the same time I had thought of suicide, to try and escape my own problems. I knew that in a Catholic family, this would not go down very well. Even though I knew it, I never stopped thinking about it. I could not shake the fact that God had given me something so dark to deal with.

To make a long story short, when I thought I had nowhere else to go, there were people following me every step of the way. There were people willing to give me a chance and willing to help me. I am so grateful for them - they listened and helped me. I received counselling for nearly two years. I found that I was good at talking about these things, and talking about it helped me to open up to people. It taught me to trust people again.

The result? I graduated, safe and sound. I have not had a suicidal thought in nearly a year and a half. I still have mood swings and days where I just want to stay at home, but above all, I guess you could say that I conquered the monster within.

 I hope that with this, people never have to think that what they are feeling is wrong. There are people ready to listen. Listen to each other, help each other out. Never belittle what another is feeling. We never know what is really going on in a person's mind - be open and accepting.

And to those going through the storms of life:

(From brokenthimble.tumblr.com)

Never forget the good things God has planned for you. Rest in peace, Robin Williams. You will be missed.

So carpe diem, my friends. Listen to one another, care for one another, and spill more ink while you do. I hope that we can destroy society's stigma on mental illness and create a society of caring and understanding.

Mom, Leave Me Alone!

I apologize for not posting in a while! It has been a stressful time, but I am happy to say that my piano exams are done and out of the way! The dream of achieving my Associate Degree with the Royal Conservatory of Music is a little bit closer now!

As a seasoned exam taker, the rules and protocol of the exams are nothing new to me. I am now a teenager, able to enter the exam room myself and do everything on my own. I go, I write, and I leave.

Yesterday, as I arrived to write my final exam, I waited patiently for sign in to begin. I said my prayers and read over my book. I found that I could not concentrate on either, as I was greeted by the loud noise of arguing. The arguing was getting closer and closer.

The arguing between this young Chinese boy, who was about 14 or 15, and his mother was hushed but intense. My Mandarin is terrible, but I could make out a couple words during their exchanged. Mostly, I was drawing from the frustration on both of their faces.

Finally, the boy lashed out in clear English:

"Mom, leave me alone! I'm old enough to do this myself. I don't need you."

This took me aback. As they continued to argue, sign in had begun. I had to shake off this experience and focus on my exam.

Now, me being 18, I obviously do not know anything about being a parent. I do, however, know everything about being a teenager. I know that teenagers want to be independent. They want to stand on their own two feet and usually are not too worried about consequences. We all live by similar mantras: "Ride or die"; "Carpe diem"; "Young, wild and free"; and of course, "You only live once".

But even as a teenager, I know that I would be nowhere without my parents. Granted, there are times where I wished that I would have more freedom than I have, but I realize that freedom is something that needs to be earned.

FREEDOM goes hand in hand with TRUST. 

The above situation may be a classic example of "helicopter parenting", which I must admit seems to very popular among Chinese families. Does the boy's mother not trust him enough, or is she just being overprotective? Is she being overprotective because he is worried that something could happen once she turns around? Or is that her way of showing that she loves him?

When does "love" become too overbearing?

I understand that the amount of freedom that I have goes hand in hand with the trust that I have built up between myself and my parents. What matters is not the quantity of freedom but what we choose to do within it. "Spreading my wings" to me does not include hard drinking and partying, and I hope my parents know that too.

Young ones, remember that the person you are is because of your parents. Parents, remember that you are allowed to let us fly once in a while. We get that we have major responsibilities in the world.  We want you to know that our goals in life is never to disappoint you or fail you. If anything, we want to make you proud.

Unfortunately I was not able to find out how the saga ends between the Chinese son and his mom, but I hope that they can strike a balance between themselves.

 

"Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord." - Colossians 3:20

 So show your parents that love! Hang out with them, tell them that you love them, and spill ink while you do.

My [Real] Grad Write Up

Remember that puny space that we had to sum up our high school experiences?

HA.

It was honestly such a struggle to pour all my memories into 100 words, and I promised myself that I would do a more concise and better job. Now that the year is actually over (and I'm not writing my grad write up halfway through senior year!), I thought I would take this opportunity to write my "real" grad write up.

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It is with great fondness that I write this. How five years has passed so quickly, I cannot even begin to comprehend. I still have the horrid image of my first entrance into the gym on my very first day of high school. Pushing past the teal doors (which by the way, after five years in being in this school, why are the lockers and doors TEAL? Why not RED?), I came face to face with a massive crowd of people called Holy Cross Crusaders, both old and new. My kilt was just at my knee at that point and I tugged on my basically non-existent short hair in nervousness. I suddenly wanted my old life back where my class was thirty students and not five times the size of that. I wanted to go back to the days where my class ran the school, an we were taller than everyone else.

But here I was, at the bottom of the chain and beginning this new journey called high school.

As time went on, I began to foster incredible relationships with people from all different backgrounds and life stories. I was fortunate to have met these people who have walked into my life and left their hand prints on my heart over the years. I was able to work with some of the coolest teachers around and learned beyond what can be taught in text books. Together, these people made my high school experience what it was and for that I am truly blessed and honoured to have shared it with them all.

The memories that I have made within the confines of the school, as well as outside, are great in number and will always be treasured. From band trips to field trips, from classroom antics to memories with best friends, where do I even begin to recount them? I will always remember all my music trips - Edmonton, New Orleans, Banff and Hawaii - for being trips where I have really geeked out musically and was able to share the experience with other fantastic musicians. The trip to the Philippines as part of the Mission Team this year was another amazing experience. Seeing another part of the world and being able to help the people that lived there was such a blessing. I will never forget the smiles on these peoples' faces and how thankful they were - something that I must grow to learn and understand. Field trips like March for Life, the writing field trip, the aquarium... the list is endless and the memories go above and beyond these. It always brings smiles back to my face whenever I look on old pictures of past trips. And of course, the never ending inside jokes and antics that occur in the classroom are endless and I laugh every time I think of a certain class or people or even things that people say. It is something that you don't get in elementary school, this dynamic, and it's also something that I don't think I will experience in the future, so I'm going to miss it.

Of course, this is not to say that there wasn't any sort of struggle in my high school life. There were many low points, and one of the biggest was losing both of my grandparents during high school. There were fights and arguments and obviously a lot of drama, but who can blame teenagers for drama? It's bound to happen, and I can say with confidence that I didn't have to deal with as much, so for that I am grateful. Struggles that happen in life form character and help people get stronger. My biggest mountain to climb during my high school journey was my battle with depression. It comes as a major shock to people that this was indeed a major part of my life, but people act in different ways and never want to look weak. This has never been truer for me, and because of that, I think that is where my problem lay. I was always so consumed in trying to be the stronger person, never letting my weakness and pain show. Because of hiding and waiting for so long to seek help, I was consumed in my own pain and violence, leading to a whole other host of issues. I am happy to say that as of now, I'm nearly if not fully recovered. I get that strength is not hiding but finding help, and I am so thankful for the people that have been my support system on my worst days. You guys rock. Never be afraid to find help for anything.

The best part about high school was definitely the people, as mentioned above. I would like to give many, many shout outs:
- Firstly, big, big thank you to my girls, my limo crew. At a time when I had nowhere else to go, my girls took me in and included me, never judging and always believing in me. I love you all - Abby, Erica, Jessica, Sarah, Emily M, Megan, Mia, and Alessandra.

- To all my locker neighbours (and I remember all of you!) - Austin, Kielle, Nick TV, Aldrin and Reiner - Thank you for putting up with my constant antics and my never shutting up, my locker problems and all the times when I was being a melodramatic Asian chick. I am so blessed to have had you guys as locker buddies!

- To the boys crew, JT, John P, Philip S, John A, Martin - you guys make me laugh so much. I have never shed so many tears from laughter and it's because I have had the honour to have known you. Thanks for always being there for me, ready to listen and beat people up for me and overall, being protective of me. Y'all are my brothers and I love you all immensely.

- My homie and fellow Chinese buddy, Eugene! Dude, thank God we were in math class together. As if you needed it, but thank God or else I wouldn't have passed Pre Calc 11 the way I did. We had so many memories together. Thanks for always being there to help me with anything and everything, sharing all your wisdom and all the youtube videos in the world. SFU, here we come!

- My girl, Emily Junk - thank you for being the best band buddy in the world! I don't know how you were able to put up with sitting next to me for 4 years, but at least you don't have to any more! And of course, the band trips (um, New Orleans? Bubba Gump? BITTANTE?!) and French class (SALUT-LA!). I'm going to miss seeing you every day. Who can I fangirl with at SFU? ooh, and btw Australia 2016, we're going to make it happen! Love you girly <3

- Band class - I just love you guys. There really are no words to sum up my love for everyone that is in that class. <3 <3 <3 #dad #cabscalves Also, to my music leadership family - Clarence, Regi, Gianne, Kyle, Pamela.. you guys rock. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to work with you all. Wings round two one day :)
Shout out to my other favourite roomie Chelsea for all the good times, the weird talks, ab work outs and fangirling. Much love to the boys that I have gotten to know through band - Bouvier, Zach, Sam and Sam, Mark and Vaanyi. I'm going to miss you guys <3

- To the girls that I would like to affectionately call the pretty amazing ladies - Genie, Marinelle, Samantha P, Jenny, Jaia and Alanna - I'm glad that we all got so close this year. I'm going to miss seeing all of you on a daily basis. Genie and Marinelle, we go back super far (ERM, and Marinelle, I think I remember who my 'affaired' love is..). Alanna, Socials 8, enough said (thanks for contending with my endless emotions over the carrot top). Jenny, UGH GRAD COMMITTEE. Thanks for being my comrade there and just your neverending support and hard work. Samantha, why did we take French 12 again? Homeroom buddies and of course, now we've conquered what we thought was the impossible. Jaia, your beautiful singing voice I'm going to miss the most! Partying in Tang's car and talking with you during the retreat. Keep in touch, all you! :) I'm going to miss you guys!

- My spirit animal Kielle - what would I do without you? Even though we both still argue about how and when we met (although I'm almost guaranteed its grade 9 because of our lockers), you never fail to amaze me with how strong you are. Thank you for always being there for me to give me a pep talk and to listen to me rant and bash or fangirl and just be over the top with useless love. I will never forget you and I'm going to miss seeing you every day. You are such a beautiful person and I love you. Let's hang out this summer? :)

- To my partner in crime, Kenneth - that fateful day, the day we never stop talking about, has made us best friends for life. I am so thankful to have known you. All the time we spent talking, all the Starbucks consumed and all the endless laughs have been a blast. Throwback especially to the mission trip when we would stay out on that staircase and just talk philosophically. Life won't be the same without you, and of course I wish you all the best in your future. Don't stay a stranger - maybe one day I will rely on you when I make that trip out to Dubai! :)

- All the grade 11s - you are literally my favourite grade. I'm going to miss you guys :(
Special mention to Cielo, all the memories in choir and lunch time, and of course the OLGC days..
Elaine, you amazing girl. Don't burn yourself out too much, kay? The foodie adventures will continue, not to worry!
The lunchtime crew - Kevin and Sophia - thank you for sharing your humble abode with me and taking me in because literally, I have no friends LOL
Donovan and Vikaram, you two are the best and are so freaking huge. Ihop for days! We will hang out and I will come back to visit. I love you two.
Rebecca - my locker neighbour! I'm going to miss you! Thanks for putting up with me for so long, and of course, choir...
- James and Jyle - you both have a weird relationship. James, I hope you get that girlfriend that you have always wanted. Jyle, get some rest. You're always tired. I'm going to miss both of you.
- Jayson - YOUR POEM THOUGH. I guess this would be an appropriate time to say that I always thought you were cute WHAT lol
Ashley - I miss our morning talks, and I'm going to miss them even more now that we're going to be in separate places. Stay classy and sassy :)
Myka - Thanks for all the memories in the Philippines! I would say hit me up if you ever need help in French, but I guess you're kinda done with it! Have fun in Africa!
Talia- THE COOKIES
Laura - Dictator Laura! Run that music program with sass!
Sarah Chan - my other chinese friend - we will street race. and then go for dim sum. LOL

- Diego, as I have written, in your yearbook, thank you for everything: all the laughs and good times. Thanks for grade 9. I still remember us and everything that we have been through and I loved every minute of it. Stay in touch and thank you for being such an amazing friend to me<3

- Last but definitely not least, Mateo: Where do I begin? I think I have said everything that I needed to on that virgin page of yours, so I'll make this brief - thank you for the past 13 years. From me being taller than you to you (sigh) being taller than me, we have shared so many good times throughout the years. I can't thank you enough for your support and your always being there for me, even when I was being stupid and irritable. You never ceased to support me and through it all, I am so grateful. Thank you also for 6 beautiful months, for the Philippines, for grad and everything in between. I love you. BCIT isn't that far... expect to see me in the future :) <3

- To my grad class, I wouldn't want to graduate with anyone else. Stay true and hope to see you all again in 10 years or less!

- All those that I have met over the years - older than me, younger than me, thanks for leaving your imprint on my heart and being my friend.

Here's to grad 14 - may your futures be bright, your journeys amazing and your time on this earth fruitful. I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us. Until next time, take care, God bless, and never stop spilling that ink .

xiv for life baby! Thanks for everything!

To the Grad Class of 2014,

YOU GUYS.

Grad is finally here. It's fast approaching - hell, it's three days away.

Naturally, like many other fantastic and exciting things that has come to be in my past, I always get sick. Always, without fail. So being completely healthy before grad should have made me laugh because I should have known better. I would get sick.

However, having the time at home and the time alone really gave me time to contemplate and think about where I am now, who I have become, and what I hope to achieve in the next chapter of my life.

Despite the fact that I have lost my voice (but what else is new) and my back is really sore and my head pounding and thudding like there's no tomorrow, I am truly grateful for everything that has happened. Okay, so maybe my immune system could use some work. But this year, and the past 13 years of schooling, has taught me so much.

To the graduates of 2014,

We finally made it. Here we are, at a time and place that we have probably all thought once or twice in our past that we would never make it. There were times where we thought that graduation was too far away and didn't come soon enough. There were times where we were so caught up with the fear of our future that we couldn't enjoy what it truly meant to be young. We were once so overburdened by what people thought, what people said, and what it meant to keep up with the times that we couldn't appreciate who we were and what we could do.

But right here, at this moment, we have come to the realization that we are enough and we have conquered something massive.

What once seemed far out of reach is right at our fingertips, just close enough to touch. We are at the realm of adulthood, ready to move on from the environment that we have once called our school community to various campuses all over the map, becoming one of many and making new friends. After much stress and planning, the time has finally come to celebrate the fruits of our labor. The path maybe uncertain, but put your trust in God. This is where the true adventure begins.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are among the next generation of doctors, lawyers, engineers, teachers, fashion designers, journalists, technicians, men and women of the armed forces and famous royalty. There is no limit to what we can do and what we can achieve. Remember to do what you love.

I hope to one day be able to turn on the television and see one of the many people that I have once sat in class with being interviewed. Maybe one of us will have discovered the cure to cancer, created a new and cutting edge piece of technology or become the next Prime Minister. We all have so much potential to do great things, and I hope that you all realize that at this point.

As we prepare to embark on this new chapter of our lives, take care of yourselves. Enjoy the moment - it only comes once in a lifetime.



So cheers, Grad XIV. Here's to a whole new world. Stay true, be you, and spill some more ink while you're doing so.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7