Chapter XIX

Hello everyone! So much has happened over the past couple days and I have finally found the time to sum up everything. Since I turned 19 two days ago (and now am finally legal), here are some things (of the many, many, MANY things that I am thankful for) that I wish to give even more thanks for over the past 19 years:

1. My family! My life would not be what it is without my family. They are my inspiration, the ones that shape me to be who I am and the ones that always push me to be the best person that I can be. They are my support during the good and the bad times, and are there for me no matter what. They have taken care of me and taught me lessons that no other teachers could. Without my parents, my sisters and I would not have the opportunities that we do, and without my sisters, my life would not be nearly as fun. Together we are a great family, team, and unit. Thank you!

2. My friends! No matter when I have met them, the friends that are in my life have never disappointed me and have always supported me and stood by me. I am so thankful for the friends I have known since day one up until the ones that I have met this past year. All the people that I am so privileged to call a friend have shaped me into the person I am, holding me accountable to myself and helping to make life so much more enjoyable. Thank you!

3.Good health - Aside from the unusual sickness or annoying cough, everything is safe and healthy!

4. Depression - Though I can never deny that this has been a part of my life, I am so happy to say that it has stopped plaguing my life for nearly a year now. I have had the best support system to help me cope and battle through my issues, and all I can say is thank you to the ones that have been there for me from the start and never abandoned me. I suppose that having had this as part of my life has given me more sympathy towards this issue and in turn has made me passionate about working towards removing the stigma that is around mental illness. I hope to continue pushing this important issue!

5. School - Starting at SFU this past 8 months has been such a blessing. As much as I loved high school, I am starting to see that university is just a little bit more fun. Regardless, everything has been going really good so far. I love what I am doing and the people that I meeting.

6. Teaching - I have gained a lot of experience and am so thankful for the students that I have, as well as the parents for their dedication. It is such a joy to be teaching in my old studio and sharing with my students the love that I have for my craft! As for my own playing - I am almost done all my theory requirements (one more exam!) and then I can focus on my Piano Pedagogy exam. The mentors that have helped me over the years have given me an incredible gift - music - and putting it into practice is really a life changing gift. I really do not know what I would be doing if I did not have piano in my life!

7. Faith - It has been a turbulent road, from being on the highest highs and sinking down to the lowest lows, but I believe that it is very safe to say that right now I am in a good spot. After joining Catholic Christian Outreach (CCO) during first semester, I have met some wonderful people that have helped me through my faith journey and strengthened my love for Christ even more. The friendships and bonding that come with it are an added bonus!

8. Job - Thanks to some wonderful connections, I got a new job! So blessed to be working with my best friend and taking on the "real" world and getting experience!

9. Love - It took me a long time to see what it means to love someone. Dating in the past has brought to light misconceptions and false expectations that I have put on myself and the guys that I had once "loved", and this only led to "heartbreak" and pure infatuation. I recognize now that mature relationships have more than butterflies and romantic gestures (which, I still am a sucker for). Nonetheless, I have finally learned that true love means true sacrifice, and that the one for me is out there. I just have to learn to be patient.

10. ... - I have absolutely no idea how 19 years passed by so fast..

It really has passed by in the blink of an eye. And maybe that is just the elderly person in me talking or the 19th birthday alcohol still messing with my brain, but I really cannot comprehend how I got this far. There have been times where I have felt like giving up on life, and I can say now, in retrospect, that I am so happy that people had told me to continue to have courage and soldier on.

The past 19 years have truly been a blessing, and I am looking forward to all the years to come!

Here are some pictures from my 19th celebration with my family and friends:

Finally, thank you all for reading my blog! I know I just started this a year and a bit ago, but thank you all for reading and supporting me on it!

Until next time,

x R

musings & the past, current state & first date

(Because my blog is an escape, and not a social media hehehe)

This will fall under the personal tab of things when it comes to my blog, under journal, buried feelings, stupid feelings, and love feelings and anything sentimental/illogical/dumb that comes my way.

BUT, I wanted to take time to just reminisce. To think, smile to myself, relive our moment(s), and of course, procrastinate the many, many things I should be doing but choose not to do, because I can.

Dearest blog, I haven't really been using you as a blog as of late. Hell, it's been a while since I wrote. So here we go.

1. Musings

- Currently so overwhelmed. Not feelings wise, but information overload wise. I am in this CCO faith study on campus, and we are doing the second faith study, entitled "Source". It talks all about the Holy Spirit and His power within me. Today we learned about docility - saying yes and surrendering ourselves to the mercy and power of God.
I continue to kid myself everyday when I tell myself that I know best. I know exactly what I want, when I want it, and why I want it. I basically run my life with not consideration to what God has in store for me. I guess that's why I find this 'being docile' so difficult. How do I let go of my pride and humble myself to the infinite knowledge that God has? He knows everything about me, and He knows every step I take before I take it. And he knows for a fact that the happiness that I have today may take a sharp turn south tomorrow. He knows everything, and He does everything for me, and yet I still push Him to the back burner. How do I give myself to Him, knowing that He just knows and that I just don't?

2. The past

- A year ago, I was struggling to come to terms with a boy that I thought loved me. I thought that our relationship was over. He would never text or call or message. We would never talk when we saw each other in the halls. I lost so much sleep over this boy. I would cry every night thinking that the next day he would break up with me. But I would see him each morning with the same look on his face: clueless. Clueless that I loved him so much, that I was afraid of losing him, afraid of not being able to be friends again. And yet, that still happened. I lost him. But through losing him I found a part of myself that I was missing along the way. It's cliche and all, but the pain was turned into happiness. I found myself throughout this experience.

3. Current state

- The semester is almost over. Three weeks left. Endless papers to finish writing and editing. A renowned author ripped my interview to shreds (inadvertently; I know he didn't mean to). I've lost some friends along the way but made many new ones. I am anxiously waiting on a new job. So I guess it's just the usual, mixed up emotions but nevertheless, very happy. I am happier than I was a year ago.

4. First date

I haven't felt this way in a long time. I can't describe how you make me feel. You are nothing like anyone that I have ever known, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. You are so genuine, so mature and so kind. Being with you gives me a sense of belonging and warmth, and even though I miss you, I finally feel like I have grown mature enough to find the balance between you and my life. I can't wait to grow with you and learn more about you.
btw, does you paying for our lunch make it a first date?? what about you making the first move??

I promise I will have more intellectual things to say soon. Cheers!

x R

Filled with Joy

It has all come and gone - first university semester is officially over. The interesting thing is, it feels so final, despite the fact that this will be my constant reality for pretty much the next four years.

But it feels so good to accomplish something that used to seem so far and unattainable. I never had any doubt that this day would come, I just did not expect it to come so soon. And that I would survive it, by even more than the skin of my teeth.

I feel so comfortable where I am. After hours of days of studying in advance, my four finals have passed. My right arm feels sore, and for whatever reason I have this perpetual voice inside my head telling me that I need to study. But for the next two weeks, I am free to do whatever I want.

I think the biggest change between then and now (aside from the change of pace) is that now I am so much happier than where I was. Granted, it does not make me any happier to write really long papers or study for hours and hours on a subject that is impossible to study for (e.g. world literature), but I know that in the end, I did my best. I put in the effort, I went to class everyday and I came out of this semester learning new things, and even finding a bit of direction as to what I want to do with my life after university is done.

This happiness, I think, came from acceptance. At the beginning of the semester I was so scared of the change, even though I knew that a) it was inevitable and b) I thought I was excited and ready for it. But September came, and even though I tried to feel confident in my ability, the reality was I had so much to learn. I wanted to resort to my old ways of studying the night before, Wikipedia-ing all my information and hanging out with my old friends. But being pushed into something new - a new normal - has proven to be altogether terrifying but a blessing nevertheless. I have accepted the change, accepted that things are different now and that the expectations I had with myself before had to be altered. To understand that there is more to school than just work, that high school relationships do not last forever, and that life fulfilling relationships are the way to go. This happiness and acceptance comes after I have decided to let somethings go and fight for other things that I thought were worthwhile in my life.

Today in mass we talked about joy and what it meant to be joyful. When the right things are top on your priority, everything else will fall into place.

And I guess that is all I need.

Here are some pictures that I took over the course of finals mania:

I wish everyone fantastic grades, a Merry Christmas and a happy new year! Enjoy the break and spill more ink while you do!

x R

Freshman -15

[So this is devoid of the style that I usually write in, forgive me.]

I guess I just wanted to use this post as a 100% blog style blog post, just as reflection and what not. Life has been interesting, and to the dismay of many of my fellow grads I have two days off a week this term with minimal commute time. It is an understatement to say that I am blessed, because I really do appreciate all the extra downtime and time spent doing work or other things that I enjoy doing, like writing. I suddenly had the inspiration to write yet another novel manuscript so we'll see how well that goes down..

(http://www.quickmeme.com/Freshman-15)

I made many new friends, but one I have particularly bonded over the most is this guy in his second year. We both share an incredible love for food (we spent two hours sharing favourite restaurants and sharing places that we wanted to go) as well as the fact that we are both after the same career path in journalism. The biggest bond that we have is this lack of balance that we have in our lives, which frankly, is not a good thing.

I refer back to a previous post way back when about body image and "perfection". It has always been a struggle of mine to accept my body and how it looks. This makes me seem very ungrateful, since m my body is fully functioning with no physical problems. I have something ideal, yet I am constantly comparing to what others have and go on about what I do not have. I do admit, that this ungratefulness leads to my inability to be content with myself. This is a struggle that I face constantly.

One of my biggest fears in university was Freshman 15, or gaining 15+ pounds because of poor eating habits as a result of poor time management. However, my friend and I have both realized that we are going backwards instead of forwards, and our Freshman 15 is diminishing. He told me that his breakfast was a package of M&M's. He then 'balanced' that out with a caramel macchiato and poutine, which he could barely finish. On top of that, his sleeping schedule is about 5 hours a night because of work and homework.

Now I am a lot luckier here. My mom makes sure that I eat, and not eating is not an option. However, with my classes being at the times that they are, I have been going weeks without eating properly at the right times and eating all wrong at all the wrong times. There are only a few days in the week when all my meals are regular, which scares me. Getting into a cycle of irregularity is the last thing I want.

My friend and I have struck a deal, and we are trying to eat normally. Something that was once so easy must be re-learned, and there is no room to say that it is difficult. In order for us to function properly, this 'eating' thing is vital. We are going to start eating normally as well as trying our best to eat healthier and work out. 

Value the food you eat and the regularity of it. Value your body and what it can do. Most importantly, value life and how much you can achieve throughout your life, and spill ink while you do.

Thanks for bearing with me. Promise to write soon!

x R

God's Wicked Sense of Humour

Hello friends! I hope everyone has been keeping well in this (ahem) final week of summer.

Today was a fantastic day with a bit of a twist. I would like to think of it not as God bursting my bubble, but having a really twisted sense of humour. This is why:

Orientation for undergraduate Simon Fraser students occurred today at the Surrey Campus. In one week, SFU would become my new school for the next little while. I had been so excited for this day ever since an invitation came in the mail, inviting me to register. Many people know that SFU had been my first choice for post-secondary for, well, forever.This was a new chapter in my life, and I was excited, overjoyed and overwhelmed.

Of course, the nerves got to me too. This is where God's twisted sense of humour, and the test that came with it, came into play in my life today.

This morning was an early one, and I had lucked out with my mom giving me a ride as opposed to taking an early morning bus. As I was crossing the street, a woman in high heels ran behind me, her arms and bag flailing as she yelled into her phone. Evidently, she was late. I did not have time to ask her, but at that moment, she had bumped into me, sending my knees to lock and my foot hitting the curb. The next thing I knew, I found myself lying in the path of on coming traffic.

I watched her retreating figure with disbelief, and a kind lady helped me get up and out of the way of traffic. At that point, I realized three things:

1. My hand was bleeding and a big, scary mess.
2. I had not only scratched up one side of my leg, but my ankle was also bleeding in two places.
3. God had a wicked sense of humour.

Thanking the lady, I proceeded to walk through the doors of the building. I marched up to the security desk and asked for a first aid kit. At this point, I would like to give a shout out to the two security guards that attended to me as well as the first aid attendant. I got bandaged up and my hand was wrapped up so that the band-aid would stay in place.

So why do I tell you this?

Though this was an unfortunate start to the day and I had this constantly playing and replaying on my mind, I realized three more things:

1. The wrap on my hand made fantastic conversation starters (especially with cute boys! HAHA). I quickly became known to my new peers as "The girl who required first aid even before Welcome Day even started". Everyone wanted to know why my hand was wrapped in the way that it was.
2. I knew that despite this terrible start to the day, what mattered most was that I did not get seriously injured. Surface wounds hurt but do not take that much time to heal. A broken ankle or getting hit by a car, a little longer. Just a little.
3. Despite God's wicked sense of humour, I was not going to let something small like this ruin what turned out to be an amazing and fruitful day.

Many people also know that I was infamously burned at school one day. Every time I change my outfit, I laugh and am constantly reminded of how at one time, I was cursing God and the girl that burned me with her tea and my bad luck. Today, I look back on this nasty spill from a business women with poor time management with a sense of understanding.

They say that God has a plan for us, and everything that happens to us teaches us a lesson and is for a purpose. And okay, maybe this little fall on the road is very minuscule in God's eyes. Maybe it was not even in His plan and maybe, I really am ungraceful. But at the end of the day, I am okay. I got through the day (albeit slightly uncomfortably), but I did not let it ruin the day for me.

So often do we find ourselves in situations that disappoint us. This is so true for me, especially with the weather. I am notorious for complaining about the weather, especially when I have made plans with friends. My mom can attribute to the fact that I will constantly complain about rainy days. I learn now that we should never let little things like this get to us, or worse, get to us and ruin our days.

In his poem "To A Mouse", Robert Burns says, "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry". Unfortunately, disappointment is a constant factor in our lives. God likes to throw curve balls our way, just to see how we would react. Know that the decision lies within YOU to enjoy the plans that you have made, whether or not they are perfect.

Of course, this is not to say that I would welcome twisting my ankle on my wedding day. However, I do know that we should always be prepared for anything. I am not saying that we should constantly be on guard and anticipate crazy business ladies pushing out of their ways, but be prepared. God has laid out a plan for us, and I am starting to realize that it is not as simple as a straight line towards Him. It requires climbing mountains, swimming across oceans and uneven terrain.

And with that I say, let us welcome each day with open arms. Do not fear what could happen, but embrace everything: the good, the bad, and even the ugly. I am not sure what scars will be left from today, but I will remember today: how I felt at the moment of impact, how I succeeded in having a fruitful day, and wondering if she ever made it to her meeting on time.

"'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" - Isaiah 55:8-9

 In this last week of summer, and in the new journeys that many of my fellow classmates are embarking on, embrace the change. Embrace the new life with all ups and downs, triumphs and disappointments. Keep an open mind, seize the day, and spill more ink while you do.

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In case you are a bit confused, I wrote this Wednesday night so as to keep all my thoughts together and not forget them. I was not ready to post it at midnight though! Thanks for reading!

What is Love (At First Sight)?

So after nearly two and a half weeks of searching, reading and interviewing, I am happy to say that my research is complete! This is what happened:

I asked 3 males and 3 females from the ages of 13-21 to help me answer a simple question and give their two sense on why they chose the answer that they did. Before I get into what the question is, let me paint the scenario on how this came to be.

I started asking for interviewees right around the time that I heard this conversation. It was at Chapters, and I was looking for another poetry book. As I scoured the shelves trying to find this book, I heard giggling. It was loud and shrill, and though this was not a library, I could feel all eyes on these two teenage girls. With teenage girls, I have to say they were maybe 15, but of course it is so difficult to tell these days.

They each were holding a copy of John Green's The Fault in Our Stars and laughing madly. When their laughter subsided, one of them whispered, "What would it like to have a guy fall in love with you, knowing that you were the one for him? And he didn't need to look for anyone else. All he needed was to convince you that you were the one for him."

That touched me, just a little bit.

I grew up with the age of Disney princesses meeting their one true love, usually some guy with a good head of hair on a horse. They did not know it then, but by the end of the movie we all knew that Cinderella and the guy with the awesome shoulder pads were going to get married. In contrast, many chick flicks usually revolve around two people that maybe first hate each other, then eventually grow to love each other.

So which is the norm, and which is just pure fantasy?

This brings me to the simple question I wanted to ask all my interviewees:

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

I asked all my interviewees to answer with yes or no, and then to substantiate further. Of course, there is no right or wrong answer. Some were quick to answer, while some pored for hours and hours. The verdict? 81% of the people do not believe in love at first sight, and here are some of the reasons why:

"Love at first sight is basically what it is; it's what you see" (F/14)

"There is such thing as infatuation at first sight, but I can't believe that people could fall in love with someone that they barely know" (M/16)

"People are difficult to figure out - you can never tell a person entirely at just a glimpse" (M/17)

"You need to be able to feel love and grow with it. It requires patience" (F/18)

"In 0.5 seconds, you can't know a person's past, baggage or life story" (M/19)

"First impressions can be really different from reality" (F/21)

While the majority voted against the possibility of love at first sight happening at all, there were some hopefuls: the rest of the interviewees (19%) believed that it was possible to fall for someone that they just met.

"When someone catches your attention, the feeling is hard to explain. You want to go after that person because you never know when you will see them again" (M/13)

"Try to make it work. First person, first impression" (M/15)

"There have been many people in my life that have experienced it, and I am willing to believe that it could happen to me" (F/16)

"Love at first sight happens on eye contact. We would both know it right away" (F/17)

"Blame it on romantic movies" (M/20)

It was interesting to see what people had to say and how that correlated to their age and gender. Going into this, I had a bias that males would definitely be against this whole idea of love at first sight. However, 25% of the boys believed that it was possible, while just 13% of girls believed that it was possible. Generally, most of those that said 'yes' were on the younger side, though there were a few exceptions.

While I was interviewing a 13 year old girl, we had a deep conversation about books and TV shows and movies. She was all for love at first sight, determined to find that one "movie moment" where she would meet the guy of her dreams. She thought about this in silence for a bit, and then turned the tables on me. "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

Though I had this question bouncing around in my mind, I never took the time to answer it internally. I thought and thought. I told her that eventually, I would get back to her. Today, I will get back to her:

For me, I am not entirely sure. Even in the movies, the people that eventually fall in love do not love each other at first sight. As mentioned above, they probably get annoyed with each other. Examples I can use are the main characters in "Letters to Juliet" or "27 Dresses". Even Hazel Grace did not feel Augustus Waters right away, even though he knew in his heart that she was the one.

Is it possible? Maybe. There are plenty of stories out there that suggest that love at first sight is possible, and I have talked to many people whose parents, grandparents or other relatives have met "the One" and stuck with them ever since. My personal experience with what people identify as "that slow motion moment" is plenty. I have met several guys that I have crushed on and eventually became just friends with, and others that I have eventually dated and still others that have later proven that they are nothing like what I thought they would be like. And of course, there are many that I will forever have undying feelings for, like Jimmy Fallon.

So back to those girls at Chapters. While the one girl was fantasizing of how she would meet the one person she would spend the rest of her life with, her friend asked her if she believed in love at first sight. She said yes and returned the question. "I'll believe it when I see it."

And maybe, that's all you really can do.

The Bible tells us that "love is patient [and] love is kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4). 27 Dresses taught me that:

(Source)

The journey of love, and I am beginning to learn, is more than just good looks and first impressions. It is how you grow with the person and how you learn to love them in return that makes it worthwhile and exciting. You learn so much from these experiences and gain new insight. And even though you may lose your mind once or twice, what is important is how you pick yourself up and get back onto both feet.

So love the ones you are with! Love the person in front of you, behind you and beside you and enjoy the moments you make. There is only one week of summer left (boo!), so make the most of it and spill more ink while you do.

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Thank you to all who let me steal a bit of their time so that I could talk to them for this article. I am truly blessed to have gained new insight from so many different people. x

Jeremiah 29:11

Allow me to be transparent for a short fraction of time,

But I'm scared for what is to come.

I know, I know, there is no use in worrying about what hasn't happened yet. The more we spend living in fear, the less we can truly live out our lives. We should go into the world with little fear and more excitement, more passion, than anything else. The unknown is great: it is vast and holds so many opportunities for us.

After meeting again with an academic adviser to discuss my plans (yet again) for the coming September, she pinned me down instantly (and we only met four times in person).

"Are you a natural worrier?"
"What are you worried about?"
"Is it because you don't trust yourself?"
"When is a time when you have no worries at all?"
"What can you do to ease your worrying?"

These are all questions she asked, all questions I have pondered over the past 24 hours and quite frankly, questions that I have even gone to the extent of worrying about.

So to answer all the above,

- I am a natural worrier. Though I would like to deny it, I am a worrier. I am also a perfectionist, and I think that is why I am always so worried about everything, from school to how I am perceived to my future. I would not go as far as to say that I am obsessive compulsive, but I would say that I get anxiety quite easily. The past two years have been a time of renewal and a time of change. I have started to let go of the fact that sometimes, I have done my best and that is all that matters. With that comes the anxiety that my best is not good enough. I get worried, I get anxious, and I am trying to ease off on myself and the world around me. Let me tell you firsthand, anxiety is not pretty and to put it plainly, it sucks. Now I know that many people tell me that anxiety is a "me" thing and that I am the only one standing between my struggle and my freedom... I suppose that is very true, but at the same time, I cannot seem to help it.

- What do I get worried about? Various things - What is university going to be like next year? How am I going to cope with the work load? Will I make new friends? Will I make it through exams? Will I make it through the next 4-5 years?
These are immediate worries. There is also the worry about keeping friends close. The worry that some friends are making choices that could affect their lives in negative ways. I worry for my family. I worry for my health and the health of my family. Admittedly, I worry for the ones that steal my heart. I worry for things that have not happened yet and quite possibly, might never happen.

- I feel that I have a certain amount of trust for myself. Don't get me wrong, I respect myself wholly, but respect and trust are different in my mind. I feel that to compensate for errors and failings of the past, there is an amount of accountability I have to hold myself to.

- Is there ever a time when I am never worried? Probably when I am asleep. Even now during summer vacation, my anxiety goes up in preparation for what is to come. I would say that I am always worrying about something, but the level and amount differs from day to day, month to month, year to year.

- To be quite honest, I am terrible at finding time for myself. "Time for myself" typically is time spent procrastinating. Sometimes when I want to be eventful and I have something on my mind, I write in my journal and of course, try to write something inspirational here. I like to play the piano and relax with my family, but many times worrying sends me to the corners of my room, trying to figure out why I am so worried and what I can do to get over it.

So I should not be one to talk, but I wish nothing but happiness and calm for you all. I would like to challenge everyone, myself included, to put aside the worrying in our lives, especially worries about the future. We should enter each day with open arms and a trust that God has plans for us:

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'"

- Jeremiah 29:11

 And if that is all there is to it, then maybe it is worth giving up our worrying and putting our trust in God.

What is one thing that you are worried about right now in this stage of your life? Whatever it is, big or small, offer it up to God, and then, put it aside. Do what you can do for today, and when the time comes, do what you can do for that particularly worry. You may find that by that time, the worry has passed.

So enjoy summer! I hate to break it to you all, but we are halfway through July, which is insane. Take time to relax, put your worries aside and spill ink while you do.

My [Real] Grad Write Up

Remember that puny space that we had to sum up our high school experiences?

HA.

It was honestly such a struggle to pour all my memories into 100 words, and I promised myself that I would do a more concise and better job. Now that the year is actually over (and I'm not writing my grad write up halfway through senior year!), I thought I would take this opportunity to write my "real" grad write up.

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It is with great fondness that I write this. How five years has passed so quickly, I cannot even begin to comprehend. I still have the horrid image of my first entrance into the gym on my very first day of high school. Pushing past the teal doors (which by the way, after five years in being in this school, why are the lockers and doors TEAL? Why not RED?), I came face to face with a massive crowd of people called Holy Cross Crusaders, both old and new. My kilt was just at my knee at that point and I tugged on my basically non-existent short hair in nervousness. I suddenly wanted my old life back where my class was thirty students and not five times the size of that. I wanted to go back to the days where my class ran the school, an we were taller than everyone else.

But here I was, at the bottom of the chain and beginning this new journey called high school.

As time went on, I began to foster incredible relationships with people from all different backgrounds and life stories. I was fortunate to have met these people who have walked into my life and left their hand prints on my heart over the years. I was able to work with some of the coolest teachers around and learned beyond what can be taught in text books. Together, these people made my high school experience what it was and for that I am truly blessed and honoured to have shared it with them all.

The memories that I have made within the confines of the school, as well as outside, are great in number and will always be treasured. From band trips to field trips, from classroom antics to memories with best friends, where do I even begin to recount them? I will always remember all my music trips - Edmonton, New Orleans, Banff and Hawaii - for being trips where I have really geeked out musically and was able to share the experience with other fantastic musicians. The trip to the Philippines as part of the Mission Team this year was another amazing experience. Seeing another part of the world and being able to help the people that lived there was such a blessing. I will never forget the smiles on these peoples' faces and how thankful they were - something that I must grow to learn and understand. Field trips like March for Life, the writing field trip, the aquarium... the list is endless and the memories go above and beyond these. It always brings smiles back to my face whenever I look on old pictures of past trips. And of course, the never ending inside jokes and antics that occur in the classroom are endless and I laugh every time I think of a certain class or people or even things that people say. It is something that you don't get in elementary school, this dynamic, and it's also something that I don't think I will experience in the future, so I'm going to miss it.

Of course, this is not to say that there wasn't any sort of struggle in my high school life. There were many low points, and one of the biggest was losing both of my grandparents during high school. There were fights and arguments and obviously a lot of drama, but who can blame teenagers for drama? It's bound to happen, and I can say with confidence that I didn't have to deal with as much, so for that I am grateful. Struggles that happen in life form character and help people get stronger. My biggest mountain to climb during my high school journey was my battle with depression. It comes as a major shock to people that this was indeed a major part of my life, but people act in different ways and never want to look weak. This has never been truer for me, and because of that, I think that is where my problem lay. I was always so consumed in trying to be the stronger person, never letting my weakness and pain show. Because of hiding and waiting for so long to seek help, I was consumed in my own pain and violence, leading to a whole other host of issues. I am happy to say that as of now, I'm nearly if not fully recovered. I get that strength is not hiding but finding help, and I am so thankful for the people that have been my support system on my worst days. You guys rock. Never be afraid to find help for anything.

The best part about high school was definitely the people, as mentioned above. I would like to give many, many shout outs:
- Firstly, big, big thank you to my girls, my limo crew. At a time when I had nowhere else to go, my girls took me in and included me, never judging and always believing in me. I love you all - Abby, Erica, Jessica, Sarah, Emily M, Megan, Mia, and Alessandra.

- To all my locker neighbours (and I remember all of you!) - Austin, Kielle, Nick TV, Aldrin and Reiner - Thank you for putting up with my constant antics and my never shutting up, my locker problems and all the times when I was being a melodramatic Asian chick. I am so blessed to have had you guys as locker buddies!

- To the boys crew, JT, John P, Philip S, John A, Martin - you guys make me laugh so much. I have never shed so many tears from laughter and it's because I have had the honour to have known you. Thanks for always being there for me, ready to listen and beat people up for me and overall, being protective of me. Y'all are my brothers and I love you all immensely.

- My homie and fellow Chinese buddy, Eugene! Dude, thank God we were in math class together. As if you needed it, but thank God or else I wouldn't have passed Pre Calc 11 the way I did. We had so many memories together. Thanks for always being there to help me with anything and everything, sharing all your wisdom and all the youtube videos in the world. SFU, here we come!

- My girl, Emily Junk - thank you for being the best band buddy in the world! I don't know how you were able to put up with sitting next to me for 4 years, but at least you don't have to any more! And of course, the band trips (um, New Orleans? Bubba Gump? BITTANTE?!) and French class (SALUT-LA!). I'm going to miss seeing you every day. Who can I fangirl with at SFU? ooh, and btw Australia 2016, we're going to make it happen! Love you girly <3

- Band class - I just love you guys. There really are no words to sum up my love for everyone that is in that class. <3 <3 <3 #dad #cabscalves Also, to my music leadership family - Clarence, Regi, Gianne, Kyle, Pamela.. you guys rock. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to work with you all. Wings round two one day :)
Shout out to my other favourite roomie Chelsea for all the good times, the weird talks, ab work outs and fangirling. Much love to the boys that I have gotten to know through band - Bouvier, Zach, Sam and Sam, Mark and Vaanyi. I'm going to miss you guys <3

- To the girls that I would like to affectionately call the pretty amazing ladies - Genie, Marinelle, Samantha P, Jenny, Jaia and Alanna - I'm glad that we all got so close this year. I'm going to miss seeing all of you on a daily basis. Genie and Marinelle, we go back super far (ERM, and Marinelle, I think I remember who my 'affaired' love is..). Alanna, Socials 8, enough said (thanks for contending with my endless emotions over the carrot top). Jenny, UGH GRAD COMMITTEE. Thanks for being my comrade there and just your neverending support and hard work. Samantha, why did we take French 12 again? Homeroom buddies and of course, now we've conquered what we thought was the impossible. Jaia, your beautiful singing voice I'm going to miss the most! Partying in Tang's car and talking with you during the retreat. Keep in touch, all you! :) I'm going to miss you guys!

- My spirit animal Kielle - what would I do without you? Even though we both still argue about how and when we met (although I'm almost guaranteed its grade 9 because of our lockers), you never fail to amaze me with how strong you are. Thank you for always being there for me to give me a pep talk and to listen to me rant and bash or fangirl and just be over the top with useless love. I will never forget you and I'm going to miss seeing you every day. You are such a beautiful person and I love you. Let's hang out this summer? :)

- To my partner in crime, Kenneth - that fateful day, the day we never stop talking about, has made us best friends for life. I am so thankful to have known you. All the time we spent talking, all the Starbucks consumed and all the endless laughs have been a blast. Throwback especially to the mission trip when we would stay out on that staircase and just talk philosophically. Life won't be the same without you, and of course I wish you all the best in your future. Don't stay a stranger - maybe one day I will rely on you when I make that trip out to Dubai! :)

- All the grade 11s - you are literally my favourite grade. I'm going to miss you guys :(
Special mention to Cielo, all the memories in choir and lunch time, and of course the OLGC days..
Elaine, you amazing girl. Don't burn yourself out too much, kay? The foodie adventures will continue, not to worry!
The lunchtime crew - Kevin and Sophia - thank you for sharing your humble abode with me and taking me in because literally, I have no friends LOL
Donovan and Vikaram, you two are the best and are so freaking huge. Ihop for days! We will hang out and I will come back to visit. I love you two.
Rebecca - my locker neighbour! I'm going to miss you! Thanks for putting up with me for so long, and of course, choir...
- James and Jyle - you both have a weird relationship. James, I hope you get that girlfriend that you have always wanted. Jyle, get some rest. You're always tired. I'm going to miss both of you.
- Jayson - YOUR POEM THOUGH. I guess this would be an appropriate time to say that I always thought you were cute WHAT lol
Ashley - I miss our morning talks, and I'm going to miss them even more now that we're going to be in separate places. Stay classy and sassy :)
Myka - Thanks for all the memories in the Philippines! I would say hit me up if you ever need help in French, but I guess you're kinda done with it! Have fun in Africa!
Talia- THE COOKIES
Laura - Dictator Laura! Run that music program with sass!
Sarah Chan - my other chinese friend - we will street race. and then go for dim sum. LOL

- Diego, as I have written, in your yearbook, thank you for everything: all the laughs and good times. Thanks for grade 9. I still remember us and everything that we have been through and I loved every minute of it. Stay in touch and thank you for being such an amazing friend to me<3

- Last but definitely not least, Mateo: Where do I begin? I think I have said everything that I needed to on that virgin page of yours, so I'll make this brief - thank you for the past 13 years. From me being taller than you to you (sigh) being taller than me, we have shared so many good times throughout the years. I can't thank you enough for your support and your always being there for me, even when I was being stupid and irritable. You never ceased to support me and through it all, I am so grateful. Thank you also for 6 beautiful months, for the Philippines, for grad and everything in between. I love you. BCIT isn't that far... expect to see me in the future :) <3

- To my grad class, I wouldn't want to graduate with anyone else. Stay true and hope to see you all again in 10 years or less!

- All those that I have met over the years - older than me, younger than me, thanks for leaving your imprint on my heart and being my friend.

Here's to grad 14 - may your futures be bright, your journeys amazing and your time on this earth fruitful. I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us. Until next time, take care, God bless, and never stop spilling that ink .

xiv for life baby! Thanks for everything!

Here's to Grad 14

There is so much joy in my heart, coming from the depths of my soul and exploding before me in waves of pure euphoria.

Despite the trials, the tribulations, the suffering and pain, God has given me the power to divide, conquer and pull through, and here we are, after grad, and I have never felt happier.

I am so proud of my fellow graduates - those I have known for years, those I have just gotten to know in the past few months. Those that I talk to on the daily, those I used to spend time with and those that I pass with a smile in the halls. We are filled to the brim with so much potential, with our blessings growing exponentially, and there is so much in store for us.

Now we are in the home stretch, ready to close off a chapter of my life that had once seemed impossible to comprehend and complete. But here we are, at the face of a new adventure. Here's to a life full of love and joy and exhilaration.

#gradxiv

Be good, be kind, and spill more ink. Only 20 days left! :)

Dedicated to Graeme

So let's be totally real - I was never in shape. I am by far the laziest person ever when it comes to anything physical. I like walking and hikes and stuff, but sports? PE class (Praise God for no more of those)? Running? 

HAHAHAHAHA no.

Honestly, despite my lack of physical activity God has smiled down on me and though I am not the thinnest, God is magical and has blessed me abundantly. Being a chubby kid when I was younger, I can truly appreciate the fact that growing up really does work wonders and that puberty really is the most awkward time of any kid.

Today, about two and a half weeks before grad, I decided that I would begin a new regiment to work out, not just to look good for grad (but let's face it - two and a half weeks won't do that much), but also to begin exercising. There was no more rain or cold for me to hide behind, and hey, it was now or never.

And I did it.

And elementary school me came back to haunt me.

Having not run for a few months, I could only manage one lap before feeling my legs collapse from underneath me, my lungs giving out and I began panting, wanting to give up. It was then that I began my walk, which would have probably been what I had continued to do if it was not for the mystery running man.

As I was halfway through my walking lap, a man that I had saw running pulled up in front of me. It's not a contest, I told myself. He has his pace and I have mine. But for whatever reason, I saw that he began to slow down. "Run, girl. Run!" he called out to me.

I laughed to myself. Nah, not now. Maybe later.

The man did not stop running to call after me. Looking behind him, he called out to me again. "Come on, girl! Let's run!"

For whatever reason, I did. And I didn't stop.

As we ran together, he introduced himself as Graeme, an ex-tennis player from Fiji. He was maybe about 50 something years old and in impeccable shape. He never once stopped running, and together, we ran straight for nearly half an hour.

To put things into perspective:
- my best time for the mile run was 9:47. That's actually really sad.
- the beep test is my mortal enemy, and my best level was may 5-6. (my lowest was 3-1)
- I was asked to do the 800 m run once. I gave up half way.
- I was asked to do the 800 m run again (didn't they learn their lesson?). I threw up after the race.
- I think that the most running that I have ever done straight recently was two and a half laps, tops.
- The fastest I've ever seen myself run was in a mall because I was late meeting someone. That and the sales.

So you can see my downfall here.

The fact that I was running for that length of time without stopping made me realize what I was capable of. But why me, I asked Graeme. Why are you motivating me and not another runner?

"Let me tell you something. I ran for 5 laps and then I was ready to give up. To pack up and begin walking. But then I saw you walking, and it made me realize that maybe, you wanted to run too. Maybe you would run eventually, but maybe you wouldn't. I needed motivation. You needed motivation. So I encouraged you to run, and encouraging you to run made me push myself. We all have our own paces, but how will you know if you don't push yourself?"

Solid.

So even though I am in no way on my way to becoming an Olympic athlete or a marathon runner, I am ready to do whatever it takes to push myself when it comes to staying in shape and exercising. To quote Graeme (who probably quoted Nike), "Don't just try to do it, just do it."

I'll keep you all posted on how that goes.

Until next time, keep fit, stay healthy, and spill some ink while you're at it.

"My head's under water but I'm breathing fine"

Gotta love John Legend and his smooth voice and lyrics that make you die and die again at how romantically sweet yet challenging and questioning they are to the listener.

It's been a while, and a lot has changed between then and now.

For starters, I suppose I should explain the significance of that line. Not only is it the song of the moment for me ("All of Me" by John Legend) but also because it accurately frames the state of life I'm in, literally and metaphorically. I think that the two ultimately do tie together into a big knot of issues but surprisingly, what I thought was an issue turned out to become something even better.

I seem to have lost my mind. Bits of my past, fragments of my memory and pieces of my imagination have some how been taken away from me after one incident in the Philippines. Basically lack of water and sleep led to fainting, which led to a hospital trip, which led to sleeping the rest of the day, which led to the present issue at hand, not remembering that day (fair enough) or various parts of recent personal history.

Was there a fall and head trauma involved? Did I hit something? Did my head jerk back in the motion of falling and being caught by someone? Is this even normal?

According to doctors, it is. My friend told me that this is the body's way of "flushing out" this memory, this trauma, that had happened. And maybe, just maybe, it took other things out with it in the process.

Regardless of what happened, I was left to wonder about who I was at that moment. I was confused with my relationships with certain people. It's funny, because the earliest memory I had was the end of last summer. I remember vividly the hell that he who shall not ever be named again had put me through. Yet, whatever had happened to me between then and now - especially the good things, which I yearned to remember - were taken away from me. I was in blackness. I was underwater.

Despite being underwater, I had to carry on and start from scratch. Apparently, the biggest thing I had lost was my relationship with you. I couldn't remember you, me and what we had. What had happened between us. Where we were going, what we were doing. It was that moment when I saw you for the first time again, and, from what people have told me about myself, I looked at you blankly. How did I look at you before? What went through my head when I saw you?

In that moment, I wondered how real this was. How strong my feelings were, how strong we were. And you told me that what we had, it was special, it was true.

So now, I have to start over and rebuild.

Why this happened, I can't answer. I honestly can't remember what life was like before hand with you or with others. Good or bad, I suppose this is a second chance. No matter where I am taken, I am thankful that this was the most serious part of the entire ordeal. Anything worse and I could be even more lost.

I guess this is how it all works out. My head is still underwater but I'm breathing fine. I can get through this.

No one ever said that life is easy. No one ever said that starting over was easy. But this time, I'm glad to have been given the opportunity.

Enjoy life, savour every moment, and spill more ink while you do.

PS - "All of Me" by John Legend