Expectation vs. Reality & End of First Year!

1 year ago today!

I think that it is an understatement to say that university is a completely new playing field than that of high school. The differences that I have come across over the past eight months between what was and what is are staggering, and yet somehow, I managed to get through it.

It was over the past eight months when I learned new things about myself, made new friends and, quite possibly, grew and matured. I know it might be quite a long shot to say that over a period of a year, I have somehow matured. I also know that people will be rolling their eyes at this point. However, I say this because I am now happy with where I am. I am content with who I am and I am more comfortable living the life that I am living.

This is not to say that before I was dissatisfied with my life. Growing up, I had all these great expectations about who I was going to be during high school, and after high school, I would move on to university (Harvard/Yale/Princeton/Stanford/Brown) and go do something amazing (pursue a law career or something) and eventually change the world (become the next [insert amazing figure here]).  I had high expectations, which many would tell me are good, but I feel like the expectations were not feasible or made because I wanted to pursue them. I realize now that these expectations that I had were because I wanted to have that opportunity to make my parents proud.

I also had high expectations on my physical appearance (skinnier, approx 110 pounds. No acne, toned arms and legs, and amazing eyebrows), the friends I kept, my future boyfriend to be fiancé to be husband, when I would graduate, have a job, get married and have children, and to have a picture perfect life overall.

That was the expectation, and this is the reality. I am not studying at any of the previously mentioned schools nor do I have the slightest interest in pursuing law. I am still working on the change the world part. I may not be the weight or physical traits that I wanted, but I accept what I do have - a healthy body. I have accepted that friends come and go, but true friends will be there for me despite time and distance. The boyfriend part is non-existent but I am content with meeting new people and growing with them instead of being infatuated and obsessed with them. I have come to the conclusion that I may not graduate in 4 years and may need to work extra hard to have a job after graduation. I have also resigned to the fact that getting married at 23 and having children at 24 may not happen anymore, but that is okay. The reality that I live in may have readjusted the expectations that I set up for myself, and that really is okay. Especially since I am turning 19 in three days. Getting married at 23 suddenly seems really soon.

Over the past 8 months I have learned to grow through my life instead of just growing up (which, by the way, is not looking very good. I have been 5'2" for (nearly) ever). There is much more to life than all the petty problems I had found myself in during my time in high school. In retrospect, everything is quite small. And in time to come, the problems I find myself in now will also become quite small.

High school me was an utter confusion, despite the world around me thinking that I had everything under control. As much as I would tell myself that I had a level head growing up, the reality is that sometimes I got lost. I had no idea where I was going and what I wanted, and I think that this led to fall outs with friends, unfulfilled expectations and meaningless romantic relationships and infatuations.

I look at myself now and I can still clearly picture what I was doing a year ago. I keep telling myself that if 5 years of high school can go by quickly, than university will be more or less the same speed. This time in university has, in many ways, forced me to mature and catch up. I learned very quickly that I am actually an ambivert. I met new friends that helped to build me up, renew my faith and also kept in touch with old friends that I do not have the luxury of seeing everyday. I found also that it is time to let go of pointless grudges that I have had and move on, because I do not have the time or energy to continue doing so. All these lessons and new relationships have come with time and patience., and I know that the future will bring many more life lessons, many more mentors and many more good friends.

But until then, I am finished first year and getting ready to move on to bigger and better things.

Your fellow ambivert and ink spiller,

x R

P.S. - here's to all the life giving friendships over the past 8 months!

an open letter - to the ones that have no clue

There are a number of things to think about on daily basis, regardless of what stage of life you are in (though granted, the young ones have less to think about). I miss the days where there is nothing to think about. There is nothing to worry about. You just live, and that is all you can do. Good times, rough times, you just roll with it.

People ask you innocent questions, you give them innocent answers. The most frequently asked question in any person's life? What are you going to be when you grow up?

As I got older, the question was worded and rephrased - what are you going to be when you grow up? What do you want to do when you are out of school? What are you going to do with your life? As I got older, my answers changed. I remember thinking that I wanted to be a princess, but elementary school taught me that unfortunately, that probably will not happen. The dreams and professions changed - a singer. An actress. A famous pianist. A lawyer. A politician. A teacher. A counselor. A journalist. An author.The list is endless and the choices keep changing with the times.

And 18 years later, I still have no clue. 

But something I learned recently is to embrace the unknown, the questions, the journey. Many of my peers are in the same boat as I am, and I learned from many people that are wiser than I am that there are more choices now than ever, and that my decisions do not necessarily need to be made now.

So an open letter, mostly to myself, but also to the ones that have no clue (like myself):

To all those going through high school, who are not really afraid of the future but are just realizing now how quickly time is passing:

You are so right, time is flying. And it is flying fast. One moment your biggest problem is trying to get that kid to notice you, and now you are dealing with other things, other big things. And maybe you are still struggling to get this kid to notice you. Remember that time is valuable, and that the time spent in such a confined space (aka high school) is a fantastic time to build up strong, solid relationships. This means taking care of the ones that really care for you. Listening to those who are there for you and holding on to the ones that are ready to listen to you. It means cutting loose all negativity and those that cut you down instead of building you up. Build up yourself while building up those around you. Together, you thrive. You do not need to go at it alone.

To all those ready to make the jump into the void (aka university):

Remember the question, "what are you going to do with your life?" How many times have you been asked that this year - what university are you going to? What are you going to study? What do you want to get into? 

It is an overwhelming time, especially if you have no clue. But remember that having a response to these questions now is only temporary. You will grow; thus, you will change. And change is a good thing: it means that you are being exposed to new things, learning new lessons and becoming a better person every single day. So keep an open mind, and remember that your values will change. Who you are now does not necessarily define who you will be. But do not despair, because this change is normal. This change is necessary.

And if you do not have an answer just yet and have no clue? That is okay too. No one says that by the time you walk into your first university lecture that you have to have your life figured out up until you graduate. While it can be done, it is almost impossible. So do not let that stress you out - figure out your likes and your dislikes. Find your passion, but look for practicality in that passion. You still have time to figure out what you want to do, and in the end, the many people that ask you those questions will not be figuring out the answer for you. Take the time to look into yourself and figure out what you want out of life; after all, you are the one living it.

To all those who are in the void and are worried about what is to come (aka life): 

It is time to take matters into our own hands. Take hold of a direction and look for a solution. There are so many possibilities, but remember that even after you get your degree and are ready to take on the world, change can happen. That does not mean to hide under a rock and try to guess what the world will be like in 20 years, but to have hope and faith. Have hope in what you are doing with your life and have faith in your ability. You made it this far, and you can definitely go the distance and make yourself (and all those who ever asked you the dreaded question) proud.

Personally I have already had many changes in my life's master plan. There are so many opportunities, so many directions, so many choices. And even with all of this selection, I still have no idea what to do with my life. 

As it sits right now, I am at the end of my first semester, afraid for exams but knowing that better things (and, spoiler alert, more exams await me). But there is so much ahead of me, and for all of us. I write this listening to smooth voices of male singer/songwriters and sipping strawberry-lemonade tea, with some sort of inkling as to what I am going to do with my life.

To the ones that have no clue - have faith, for bigger and better things await you.

"Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established." - Proverbs 16:3

 So best of luck to everyone writing exams and filling out university applications and everyone's projects and tests. The best is yet to come - keep spilling more ink!

x R

The Top Ten Things I Need to Remember (as finals are next week)

10. High school final exams are nothing like university final exams.The only experience I have is none. None whatsoever. My only advantage is that I guess I am used to weekend exams because of piano but that is pretty much it. Then again, maybe all exams are the same.

9. Studying for high school exams is nothing like studying for university final exams. This means 1) no cramming the night before and 2) no procrastination. Just do it. Just study.

8. My profs did not make such a big deal about exams, and suddenly I feel really zen. I feel really calm. Almost too calm that it is making me suspicious. But that might be a good thing:

study hard + study early = no stress

7. Thank God that my spread of exams is great. I have God to thank profusely for that, and I guess myself for choosing such awesome courses.

6. As much as staying up late to study sounds like a super fantastic idea, DO NOT (repeat) DO NOT stay up late and study. I do not want to study into the morning hours before an exam. This will kill me and my grade and therefore my GPA.

5. If anything, remember theories. Theories are important. Then, use the theories to apply what I learned this semester.

4. Remember that this is only 4 x 3 hours of my life = 12 hours of exams total. It is a lot of time. It is half a day. But it will pass. I will pass.

3. Do one thing a day that I love. Remember the 25-5-30 rule so that I do not burn out. Watch funny videos (but set a time limit on that too, or else things can go wrong...)

2. Bring EVERYTHING that I need to each exam. Wake up on time. Get there on time. Best to be early and relax (and cram/wallow/die) early than to be rushing and risk being late.

1. Pray for guidance, support, and mercy. Because somethings this semester (especially Stats) are lost in my brain and confusion.

BONUS: All of this will be over soon. Time flies... I hope.

Here is a throwback Thursday photo of me as I was just accepting my application to SFU and attending an event. 

Keep spilling ink! I know I will - three of my exams are essay based. The other one has some kind of math in it but my prof writes wordy questions, therefore, I need to provide lengthy answers to answer all questions hidden inside one question. Best of luck to everyone on their exams, final projects and papers - I know we will all succeed. Mandatory celebrations to follow, just in time for the holidays!

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

- James 1:5

x R

I Don't Need A Man (Yet)

Last week I began working as a volunteer at Newton Elementary school as part of a pilot program called Racing Readers. Racing Readers is a partnership between Simon Fraser University, the TD Community Engagement Center and the City of Surrey School District. It was my goal at the beginning of my university career to become more engaged in my community, and this program has answered my prayers.

Along with other volunteers, I have the opportunity to work once a week with children in grades 3-5 doing physical activity like circuit training, running and games (hence "racing") and literacy activities such as reading and journal writing (hence "readers"). Even though I am two weeks in, I am so humbled to work in this position as a volunteer with other students who want to help these kids.

The cool thing about kids is how open they are. Yesterday during my second session, some of the girls that I had spent time with the previous week spent more time with me. One of the girls, who is 8 years old I believe, asked me the following question:

"Do you have a husband?"

I laughed and I said no, I am not that old. She then laughed too and then asked another question.

"Do you have a boyfriend? I really want a boyfriend. One that will buy me all the toys that my mom won't buy for me."

I laughed at this, but inside of me I was surprised and shocked. Not at the fact that her mom would not buy her toys (the nerve of that mother!), but at the fact that she wanted a boyfriend at such a young age.

Her friends nodded their heads in agreement. One of them piped in to talk about her older sister's boyfriend and how much fun they had together.

"I think I'd have way more fun with a boyfriend."

This really shocked me. These girls, if I may remind you, are 8-9 years old. This was an alarming thing to hear, and yet, not so alarming at the same time.

The "I want a boyfriend" phenomenon has seemed to take off in young girls, but even girls my age hum and haw over finding their one true love. "Forever alone" has become a lamentation. "One true pairing" is the goal. And don't forget the relationship goals of making breakfast with, snuggling with, stargazing with, or exploring with your significant other.

(http://txmblevibes.tumblr.com/)

I suppose I would be foolish to say that at one point I did not have this yearning for a boyfriend, or even that from time to time I feel a pang of wistfulness and hope for the one to come along.

But I want to share something.

You do not need to keep searching. You do not need to constantly put yourself out there. You do not need a man (or woman)... yet.

Personally the past few months have been busy, crazy and filled to the brim. There was no time to think, only time to do. There was limited time to spend with friends, which made me sad. On top of that, there was definitely no time for boys.

Yes, there would be the occasional looker in lecture that made me swoon. But I told myself that I was not going to be actively looking. I would wait until it was my turn, and when that turn comes, I will know.

I guess you can say that after a couple disappointments and life lessons, I decided to hold out on the dream of finding my one true pair. I decided to focus on my studies, deepening my faith through Catholic Christian Outreach, making new friends and connections, deepening my relationship with my family and above all, finding out where my life will eventually lead.

At the end of the day, I found that there was no time to even think about boys or how to impress this one or that one. And in the long run over this term, I found myself happier. Not because I think boys are unnecessary, but because I was not expecting to fall in love with someone and not beating myself up because of it.

I am not saying that I am confident that someone will come along. I feel that there has to be the right balance of waiting and pursuing, but only when I am ready. Like what I told the girls at Racing Readers, "Not every boy will be a Prince Charming. But when the right one comes, he will be your Prince Charming. Until then, love yourself and love your friends and family - they are the ones that will get through the good times and the bad times even before your future boyfriend comes along."

Furthermore, I want this person to love God just as much as they love me. I am willing to get my life together and figure out who I am before I jump into anything long term with the end result being wedding bells.

Ironically, the new Taylor Swift song "Blank Space" has resonated deeply within me ever since I listened to it for the first time last week. "So it's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames", she says. This has never articulated teen love so realistically, especially with so many young relationships ending with friendships being broken. No one deserves to have friendships broken or have them go down in flames - I am willing to wait for my forever, the forever that everyone deserves.

I can't believe that the semester is already over! Here is to new experiences, new lessons, new friends and love for all, and spill ink while you do.

x R

Freshman -15

[So this is devoid of the style that I usually write in, forgive me.]

I guess I just wanted to use this post as a 100% blog style blog post, just as reflection and what not. Life has been interesting, and to the dismay of many of my fellow grads I have two days off a week this term with minimal commute time. It is an understatement to say that I am blessed, because I really do appreciate all the extra downtime and time spent doing work or other things that I enjoy doing, like writing. I suddenly had the inspiration to write yet another novel manuscript so we'll see how well that goes down..

(http://www.quickmeme.com/Freshman-15)

I made many new friends, but one I have particularly bonded over the most is this guy in his second year. We both share an incredible love for food (we spent two hours sharing favourite restaurants and sharing places that we wanted to go) as well as the fact that we are both after the same career path in journalism. The biggest bond that we have is this lack of balance that we have in our lives, which frankly, is not a good thing.

I refer back to a previous post way back when about body image and "perfection". It has always been a struggle of mine to accept my body and how it looks. This makes me seem very ungrateful, since m my body is fully functioning with no physical problems. I have something ideal, yet I am constantly comparing to what others have and go on about what I do not have. I do admit, that this ungratefulness leads to my inability to be content with myself. This is a struggle that I face constantly.

One of my biggest fears in university was Freshman 15, or gaining 15+ pounds because of poor eating habits as a result of poor time management. However, my friend and I have both realized that we are going backwards instead of forwards, and our Freshman 15 is diminishing. He told me that his breakfast was a package of M&M's. He then 'balanced' that out with a caramel macchiato and poutine, which he could barely finish. On top of that, his sleeping schedule is about 5 hours a night because of work and homework.

Now I am a lot luckier here. My mom makes sure that I eat, and not eating is not an option. However, with my classes being at the times that they are, I have been going weeks without eating properly at the right times and eating all wrong at all the wrong times. There are only a few days in the week when all my meals are regular, which scares me. Getting into a cycle of irregularity is the last thing I want.

My friend and I have struck a deal, and we are trying to eat normally. Something that was once so easy must be re-learned, and there is no room to say that it is difficult. In order for us to function properly, this 'eating' thing is vital. We are going to start eating normally as well as trying our best to eat healthier and work out. 

Value the food you eat and the regularity of it. Value your body and what it can do. Most importantly, value life and how much you can achieve throughout your life, and spill ink while you do.

Thanks for bearing with me. Promise to write soon!

x R

The Journey Filled with (Content) Solitude

So today officially marks one week of post-secondary. One week since I first started my journey in university, with hundreds more to follow. Obviously it would be really strange of me to celebrate every week, but indulge me for a bit.

Folks, this is a big step in my life!!

For myself and many others in my graduating class, June was the last time we were all together. We would see each other from a daily basis, and though we maybe were not as close to some as we were to others, we were still connected by a bond of unity. We had a common thread running through all of us. And true, many of us hung out over the summer, reminiscing about the past and assuring each other that the future would be okay. A lot of us made promises this time last year that have been broken, either by life or by ourselves.

I said good bye to a lot of people over the summer, see you soon to some, and see you tomorrow to very few. I also said good bye to the old life that I had - the one that I had found comfort and content in for the past thirteen years of my life. I said good bye to familiar territory and familiar faces, only to walk into what is affectionately called by my elders as "the real world".

As I walked through crowds of people, I tried to find a space. I tried to find a space that I would call my own for a temporary amount of time, sandwiched in between strangers. Everyone seemed to move so fast. The professors talked so fast. Time flew so fast, and suddenly, I was back at home.

I told many, and I will share with you all, that I had woken up last Wednesday morning in a panic. I could not find my kilt in my closet, and I was running super late. It was not until I saw the mess of textbooks on my desk (the very expensive and definitely not free textbooks) and my term-at-a-glance calendar on my dry erase board that I realized that I was not in high school anymore.

In university, people move very fast. Everyone walks with their head down, with steps faster than my high school steps. There are people that walk in groups, with people they call their friends. They laugh and seem to be having a good time. And then I think about high school and how easy it was to fall into sync with my best friends. I wonder where my friends are at that precise moment - whether or not they are able to keep up with the flow of university traffic. Whether or not they are able to find friends to laugh with. Whether or not they feel the same solitude that I feel.

And okay, maybe I am being melodramatic and over thinking everything the way I usually do. But today, one week into my journey, I woke up with a new feeling inside of me. It might have been slight insanity from the fact that I was waking up way too early to meet my 8:30 class (and at this point, I was questioning why I even enrolled for an 8:30 class to begin with!)

And as I walked outside, with my mom calling out behind me to have a good day, I was honestly skeptical once again about how true that would be. But as I walked over the dewy ground, one foot stepping in front of the other, I was greeted by the sun shining through the clouds. It was not a spectacular sunrise, but something about it calmed me. For a while (and allow me to be poetic for a minute - after all, I am an English student), I was able to relate to the sun. I was the sun, trying to find my way from behind the clouds that is this new life of mine. I am trying to find my own way, my own time to shine.

Once 3 o'clock rolled around, the sun shined brilliantly.

I found the pace of today different from the rest. I am beginning to make new friends (so I guess I am not a total loser) and I started to get even more into what I was learning. I am finally getting into the swing of things.

"And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great." - Job 8:7

I hope that everyone is reaching a steady rhythm within themselves and finding their flow in their new experiences. Remember your roots and go boldly into the future! Embrace the new, learn from the past, and spill more ink while you do.

x R