I Don't Need A Man (Yet)

Last week I began working as a volunteer at Newton Elementary school as part of a pilot program called Racing Readers. Racing Readers is a partnership between Simon Fraser University, the TD Community Engagement Center and the City of Surrey School District. It was my goal at the beginning of my university career to become more engaged in my community, and this program has answered my prayers.

Along with other volunteers, I have the opportunity to work once a week with children in grades 3-5 doing physical activity like circuit training, running and games (hence "racing") and literacy activities such as reading and journal writing (hence "readers"). Even though I am two weeks in, I am so humbled to work in this position as a volunteer with other students who want to help these kids.

The cool thing about kids is how open they are. Yesterday during my second session, some of the girls that I had spent time with the previous week spent more time with me. One of the girls, who is 8 years old I believe, asked me the following question:

"Do you have a husband?"

I laughed and I said no, I am not that old. She then laughed too and then asked another question.

"Do you have a boyfriend? I really want a boyfriend. One that will buy me all the toys that my mom won't buy for me."

I laughed at this, but inside of me I was surprised and shocked. Not at the fact that her mom would not buy her toys (the nerve of that mother!), but at the fact that she wanted a boyfriend at such a young age.

Her friends nodded their heads in agreement. One of them piped in to talk about her older sister's boyfriend and how much fun they had together.

"I think I'd have way more fun with a boyfriend."

This really shocked me. These girls, if I may remind you, are 8-9 years old. This was an alarming thing to hear, and yet, not so alarming at the same time.

The "I want a boyfriend" phenomenon has seemed to take off in young girls, but even girls my age hum and haw over finding their one true love. "Forever alone" has become a lamentation. "One true pairing" is the goal. And don't forget the relationship goals of making breakfast with, snuggling with, stargazing with, or exploring with your significant other.

(http://txmblevibes.tumblr.com/)

I suppose I would be foolish to say that at one point I did not have this yearning for a boyfriend, or even that from time to time I feel a pang of wistfulness and hope for the one to come along.

But I want to share something.

You do not need to keep searching. You do not need to constantly put yourself out there. You do not need a man (or woman)... yet.

Personally the past few months have been busy, crazy and filled to the brim. There was no time to think, only time to do. There was limited time to spend with friends, which made me sad. On top of that, there was definitely no time for boys.

Yes, there would be the occasional looker in lecture that made me swoon. But I told myself that I was not going to be actively looking. I would wait until it was my turn, and when that turn comes, I will know.

I guess you can say that after a couple disappointments and life lessons, I decided to hold out on the dream of finding my one true pair. I decided to focus on my studies, deepening my faith through Catholic Christian Outreach, making new friends and connections, deepening my relationship with my family and above all, finding out where my life will eventually lead.

At the end of the day, I found that there was no time to even think about boys or how to impress this one or that one. And in the long run over this term, I found myself happier. Not because I think boys are unnecessary, but because I was not expecting to fall in love with someone and not beating myself up because of it.

I am not saying that I am confident that someone will come along. I feel that there has to be the right balance of waiting and pursuing, but only when I am ready. Like what I told the girls at Racing Readers, "Not every boy will be a Prince Charming. But when the right one comes, he will be your Prince Charming. Until then, love yourself and love your friends and family - they are the ones that will get through the good times and the bad times even before your future boyfriend comes along."

Furthermore, I want this person to love God just as much as they love me. I am willing to get my life together and figure out who I am before I jump into anything long term with the end result being wedding bells.

Ironically, the new Taylor Swift song "Blank Space" has resonated deeply within me ever since I listened to it for the first time last week. "So it's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames", she says. This has never articulated teen love so realistically, especially with so many young relationships ending with friendships being broken. No one deserves to have friendships broken or have them go down in flames - I am willing to wait for my forever, the forever that everyone deserves.

I can't believe that the semester is already over! Here is to new experiences, new lessons, new friends and love for all, and spill ink while you do.

x R

What is Love (At First Sight)?

So after nearly two and a half weeks of searching, reading and interviewing, I am happy to say that my research is complete! This is what happened:

I asked 3 males and 3 females from the ages of 13-21 to help me answer a simple question and give their two sense on why they chose the answer that they did. Before I get into what the question is, let me paint the scenario on how this came to be.

I started asking for interviewees right around the time that I heard this conversation. It was at Chapters, and I was looking for another poetry book. As I scoured the shelves trying to find this book, I heard giggling. It was loud and shrill, and though this was not a library, I could feel all eyes on these two teenage girls. With teenage girls, I have to say they were maybe 15, but of course it is so difficult to tell these days.

They each were holding a copy of John Green's The Fault in Our Stars and laughing madly. When their laughter subsided, one of them whispered, "What would it like to have a guy fall in love with you, knowing that you were the one for him? And he didn't need to look for anyone else. All he needed was to convince you that you were the one for him."

That touched me, just a little bit.

I grew up with the age of Disney princesses meeting their one true love, usually some guy with a good head of hair on a horse. They did not know it then, but by the end of the movie we all knew that Cinderella and the guy with the awesome shoulder pads were going to get married. In contrast, many chick flicks usually revolve around two people that maybe first hate each other, then eventually grow to love each other.

So which is the norm, and which is just pure fantasy?

This brings me to the simple question I wanted to ask all my interviewees:

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

I asked all my interviewees to answer with yes or no, and then to substantiate further. Of course, there is no right or wrong answer. Some were quick to answer, while some pored for hours and hours. The verdict? 81% of the people do not believe in love at first sight, and here are some of the reasons why:

"Love at first sight is basically what it is; it's what you see" (F/14)

"There is such thing as infatuation at first sight, but I can't believe that people could fall in love with someone that they barely know" (M/16)

"People are difficult to figure out - you can never tell a person entirely at just a glimpse" (M/17)

"You need to be able to feel love and grow with it. It requires patience" (F/18)

"In 0.5 seconds, you can't know a person's past, baggage or life story" (M/19)

"First impressions can be really different from reality" (F/21)

While the majority voted against the possibility of love at first sight happening at all, there were some hopefuls: the rest of the interviewees (19%) believed that it was possible to fall for someone that they just met.

"When someone catches your attention, the feeling is hard to explain. You want to go after that person because you never know when you will see them again" (M/13)

"Try to make it work. First person, first impression" (M/15)

"There have been many people in my life that have experienced it, and I am willing to believe that it could happen to me" (F/16)

"Love at first sight happens on eye contact. We would both know it right away" (F/17)

"Blame it on romantic movies" (M/20)

It was interesting to see what people had to say and how that correlated to their age and gender. Going into this, I had a bias that males would definitely be against this whole idea of love at first sight. However, 25% of the boys believed that it was possible, while just 13% of girls believed that it was possible. Generally, most of those that said 'yes' were on the younger side, though there were a few exceptions.

While I was interviewing a 13 year old girl, we had a deep conversation about books and TV shows and movies. She was all for love at first sight, determined to find that one "movie moment" where she would meet the guy of her dreams. She thought about this in silence for a bit, and then turned the tables on me. "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

Though I had this question bouncing around in my mind, I never took the time to answer it internally. I thought and thought. I told her that eventually, I would get back to her. Today, I will get back to her:

For me, I am not entirely sure. Even in the movies, the people that eventually fall in love do not love each other at first sight. As mentioned above, they probably get annoyed with each other. Examples I can use are the main characters in "Letters to Juliet" or "27 Dresses". Even Hazel Grace did not feel Augustus Waters right away, even though he knew in his heart that she was the one.

Is it possible? Maybe. There are plenty of stories out there that suggest that love at first sight is possible, and I have talked to many people whose parents, grandparents or other relatives have met "the One" and stuck with them ever since. My personal experience with what people identify as "that slow motion moment" is plenty. I have met several guys that I have crushed on and eventually became just friends with, and others that I have eventually dated and still others that have later proven that they are nothing like what I thought they would be like. And of course, there are many that I will forever have undying feelings for, like Jimmy Fallon.

So back to those girls at Chapters. While the one girl was fantasizing of how she would meet the one person she would spend the rest of her life with, her friend asked her if she believed in love at first sight. She said yes and returned the question. "I'll believe it when I see it."

And maybe, that's all you really can do.

The Bible tells us that "love is patient [and] love is kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4). 27 Dresses taught me that:

(Source)

The journey of love, and I am beginning to learn, is more than just good looks and first impressions. It is how you grow with the person and how you learn to love them in return that makes it worthwhile and exciting. You learn so much from these experiences and gain new insight. And even though you may lose your mind once or twice, what is important is how you pick yourself up and get back onto both feet.

So love the ones you are with! Love the person in front of you, behind you and beside you and enjoy the moments you make. There is only one week of summer left (boo!), so make the most of it and spill more ink while you do.

--------
Thank you to all who let me steal a bit of their time so that I could talk to them for this article. I am truly blessed to have gained new insight from so many different people. x

A Girl Twice Her Age

12 years old

Have you ever noticed how much older girls are trying to look?

When I was 12 years old, I think that the extent of my knowledge of the human anatomy was really, really limited. I stuck to watching Lizzie McGuire (before Family channel got weird and cancelled on my TV) and thought that the only way to meet cute boys was to sneak out of the house and go to a really dim coffee house to "study".. and for the record, Ethan Craft was not even that cute! I wore clothes from Old Navy and Wal-Mart - "Forever 21" and "H&M" was not in my fashion vocabulary.

But then you look at 12 year old girls now, and the difference is startling. Not just in the TV shows that they watch, or the clothes that they wear, but their massive knowledge of everything, their familiarity with social media, and in general, how much older they look.

The other day I was at Target picking up a box of hair dye. A rule in my house was that I was not allowed to touch my hair with colour until I graduate, and even when I did graduate, it had to be a natural colour. So while my dreams of having dark purple hair was crushed, I was still quite excited to go choose a new colour for my hair.

While I was browsing the aisles, I came across a girl, about 11 or 12 (but as mentioned above, they look way older than they should), throwing a temper tantrum. Her mom was rolling her eyes and trying not to argue, but everyone around could tell that she was upset and wanted her daughter to stop acting childish.

This girl was wearing a crop top that I had seen in Forever 21 and super short, acid wash jean shorts. They are shorts where the pockets hang out from underneath. She had over the knee socks (sheer black, of course) and was wearing a pair of Converse. The most staggering thing about her appearance was her bright red, Ariana Grande trademark hair. She was holding a box of blonde hair dye, and from the looks of her temper tantrum, it looks like Ariana Grande was not turning blonde any time soon.

Despite the fact that this girl had the ability to change her hair way, way before I did, I'm sure she also got a phone before I did (I saw that fall out of her pocket while she threw the tantrum), and on that phone she probably texts boys, Snapchats, tweets and updates her Facebook status. She probably goes to the mall with her friends and Instagrams her Starbucks and takes shameless bathroom selfies...

...All things that admittedly, I have done once or twice at my ripe old age of 18.

But it is quite scary to me, to think that girls today are growing up in this massive mess of a world. Girls are expected to look a certain way, eat certain food and be up and ready to date by 14.

Going back to the Lizzie McGuire example, I am more than certain that Lizzie and her friends were 13 during the show. Was I this boy crazy at 13? Was I allowed to go out to the mall by myself or with my friends? Could I hang out with a boy?

To all the above, the answer is no.

Nowadays, I see girls half my age ordering frappucinos and watching movies like recent release "The Fault in Our Stars". As I walked out of the theater, very young girls (10? 9?) rushed out with their moms, drooling over Augustus Waters and asking their moms where they will find their own Augustus Waters.

Really? 

At 18

It is incorrect to ask if these girls understand the context of the movie and what is happening, because chances are, they do. Due to social media and Internet being so widely used and easily accessed, information can be found everywhere. If (spoiler alert) I saw that scene of Hazel and Gus rushing into the room at 10 years old, I would have thought that they were just having an innocent, co-ed slumber party. But at 18, we all know what is really happening. The unfortunate thing is that girls as young as 10 probably have the same understanding of the scene as I do now, and I am nearly double their age.

Furthermore, if girls have the same knowledge and understanding of something so mature, then that also means that they are vulnerable to more mature thoughts as opposed to carefree thoughts. I started really caring about how I looked when I entered high school, and looking back on old photos, I cringe at how I looked and what I wore. But young girls today are constantly bombarded with lingerie ads with skinny models, and in turn, 13 year-olds try to strive for the unattainable excellence of a Photoshopped body. Girls are starting to develop at younger ages, and more young girls are starting to have depression, anxiety, OCD and anorexia and bulimia.

These girls are aging faster than their time!

It scares me that young girls (my younger sisters included) are learning more and more about the world than they should at certain ages and not fully understanding what it all means. I am worried that my sisters and their friends are too consumed by what society wants then what they want. I am worried that in time to come, "childhood innocence" will cease to exist.

Take care of your daughters and sisters. Expose them to the sunshine and the world beyond the computer screen. Instead of Tumblr sunsets, offer them a real one. Let them know that there is a Prince Charming out there, but you will not find him on Facebook (because that's creepy). Show them that their body is enough, and it is pretty amazing regardless of shape. Remind them that they are loved, regardless of how much they now and what mistakes they have made.

I hope that the solution to this rising pandemic is to unplug and spending quality time with one another. 

So turn off your phones and relax. Talk in person, love the young girls in your life and spill ink while you do.

x R

Confessions of the Bullied

Happy March everyone! :) It has been a really busy and stressful time but I'm pleased to announce that I am going to Simon Fraser University next year! It's all come down to this, finally. Thank you all for bearing with me!

So with this post, I might be just a tad late to the party. On February 26, people across Canada and the world wore pink to rally against bullying on the 7th annual Anti-Bullying day. Earlier this past week, I had read an article in the paper about a 9 year old girl from Nanaimo, BC who was bullied relentlessly because of her weight and physical appearance, forcing her to change schools to escape the bullying. The two events - one going in a positive direction, one not so much - both show that bullying is not a one time thing that can be stopped overnight. While there has been so much growth and progress, we are still so far from where we want to be as a society.

Reading this article made my heart break for this girl. At 9 years old, you shouldn't have to be focused so much on physical appearances. For that matter, no one should be so hung up on their own appearance or how others look. At 9 years old, you are supposed to be happy-go-lucky without a care in the world. Because of the mass amount of bullying, this girl could not experience this, and instead was forced to "grow up fast" (Connie Walker, CBC News). Comments made towards this little girl were unnecessary and so hurtful, that it made me hurt for her as well.

Unfortunately, cases like this are not uncommon. Bullying is still a major issue not just in elementary schools but also in high schools, universities and even in workplaces.

As someone who has been bullied before for various reasons ranging from physical appearance, ethnicity, religion and even the people I hang out with, it has impacted me in a way that changed my life. Obviously, the feeling is not great when you are in the situation, and even in the months and years after, it still affects you. It has been nearly 4 years and yet, the wounds and scars still remain whenever I read about incidents like this.

Bullies have altered my life and have taken my ability to remain care free and replaced it with constant fear. At the present, I realize now that if I continue to live in the way that I used to - filled with constant depression, anxiety and fear - then I have let them win. I have become their victim. Not to belittle my own or anyone else's situation, but we must stay strong. We must stand up for what is right, and that is to prevent other people from going through what this 9 year old did.

This life experienced changed me for the better, even though I could not see so at first. Without them, I would not be the strong person I am today. I would not be able to take on the bigger challenges that life throws at me. I would not be so passionate about the whole issue of bullying without them.

I urge you all to take a stand. Pink shirt day should not just be a one day thing where people just wear pink shirts; rather, it should be every day, even when you are not wearing a pink shirt. I admit, sometimes it is difficult even for me to stand up to people and tell them to stop. I know full well that being a bystander is just as bad as being a bully, because you are choosing to turn a blind eye and let it happen. I hope that, even though no one maybe doing it, remember that it is the right thing to stand up. You could save someone's life.

On that note, I realize that it is worrisome. What if no one backs you up? What if you get made fun of? What if you become the next victim? Maybe you are the one that will prevent this from happening again. Maybe you will be the first person that initiates the right thing, something that others want to do but are too afraid to. Maybe you will be the one that turns the victim's life around and helps the bully to realize the error in their ways.

Bullying is not an issue of people not being able to defend themselves, or not being able to conform to society, or because people are just mean. Bullying is an issue because majority of the time, we just let it happen. Something that seems so difficult to fix actually has a simple answer - we just need to put time and effort into correcting it. As mentioned earlier, it will not change over night, but if we speak up every day, change will come. Change will happen, and it will be change for the better.

I hope that in time to come, bullying will not be an issue anymore. 

Until then, take a stand, speak up, and spill some more ink.