Chapter XIX

Hello everyone! So much has happened over the past couple days and I have finally found the time to sum up everything. Since I turned 19 two days ago (and now am finally legal), here are some things (of the many, many, MANY things that I am thankful for) that I wish to give even more thanks for over the past 19 years:

1. My family! My life would not be what it is without my family. They are my inspiration, the ones that shape me to be who I am and the ones that always push me to be the best person that I can be. They are my support during the good and the bad times, and are there for me no matter what. They have taken care of me and taught me lessons that no other teachers could. Without my parents, my sisters and I would not have the opportunities that we do, and without my sisters, my life would not be nearly as fun. Together we are a great family, team, and unit. Thank you!

2. My friends! No matter when I have met them, the friends that are in my life have never disappointed me and have always supported me and stood by me. I am so thankful for the friends I have known since day one up until the ones that I have met this past year. All the people that I am so privileged to call a friend have shaped me into the person I am, holding me accountable to myself and helping to make life so much more enjoyable. Thank you!

3.Good health - Aside from the unusual sickness or annoying cough, everything is safe and healthy!

4. Depression - Though I can never deny that this has been a part of my life, I am so happy to say that it has stopped plaguing my life for nearly a year now. I have had the best support system to help me cope and battle through my issues, and all I can say is thank you to the ones that have been there for me from the start and never abandoned me. I suppose that having had this as part of my life has given me more sympathy towards this issue and in turn has made me passionate about working towards removing the stigma that is around mental illness. I hope to continue pushing this important issue!

5. School - Starting at SFU this past 8 months has been such a blessing. As much as I loved high school, I am starting to see that university is just a little bit more fun. Regardless, everything has been going really good so far. I love what I am doing and the people that I meeting.

6. Teaching - I have gained a lot of experience and am so thankful for the students that I have, as well as the parents for their dedication. It is such a joy to be teaching in my old studio and sharing with my students the love that I have for my craft! As for my own playing - I am almost done all my theory requirements (one more exam!) and then I can focus on my Piano Pedagogy exam. The mentors that have helped me over the years have given me an incredible gift - music - and putting it into practice is really a life changing gift. I really do not know what I would be doing if I did not have piano in my life!

7. Faith - It has been a turbulent road, from being on the highest highs and sinking down to the lowest lows, but I believe that it is very safe to say that right now I am in a good spot. After joining Catholic Christian Outreach (CCO) during first semester, I have met some wonderful people that have helped me through my faith journey and strengthened my love for Christ even more. The friendships and bonding that come with it are an added bonus!

8. Job - Thanks to some wonderful connections, I got a new job! So blessed to be working with my best friend and taking on the "real" world and getting experience!

9. Love - It took me a long time to see what it means to love someone. Dating in the past has brought to light misconceptions and false expectations that I have put on myself and the guys that I had once "loved", and this only led to "heartbreak" and pure infatuation. I recognize now that mature relationships have more than butterflies and romantic gestures (which, I still am a sucker for). Nonetheless, I have finally learned that true love means true sacrifice, and that the one for me is out there. I just have to learn to be patient.

10. ... - I have absolutely no idea how 19 years passed by so fast..

It really has passed by in the blink of an eye. And maybe that is just the elderly person in me talking or the 19th birthday alcohol still messing with my brain, but I really cannot comprehend how I got this far. There have been times where I have felt like giving up on life, and I can say now, in retrospect, that I am so happy that people had told me to continue to have courage and soldier on.

The past 19 years have truly been a blessing, and I am looking forward to all the years to come!

Here are some pictures from my 19th celebration with my family and friends:

Finally, thank you all for reading my blog! I know I just started this a year and a bit ago, but thank you all for reading and supporting me on it!

Until next time,

x R

Expectation vs. Reality & End of First Year!

1 year ago today!

I think that it is an understatement to say that university is a completely new playing field than that of high school. The differences that I have come across over the past eight months between what was and what is are staggering, and yet somehow, I managed to get through it.

It was over the past eight months when I learned new things about myself, made new friends and, quite possibly, grew and matured. I know it might be quite a long shot to say that over a period of a year, I have somehow matured. I also know that people will be rolling their eyes at this point. However, I say this because I am now happy with where I am. I am content with who I am and I am more comfortable living the life that I am living.

This is not to say that before I was dissatisfied with my life. Growing up, I had all these great expectations about who I was going to be during high school, and after high school, I would move on to university (Harvard/Yale/Princeton/Stanford/Brown) and go do something amazing (pursue a law career or something) and eventually change the world (become the next [insert amazing figure here]).  I had high expectations, which many would tell me are good, but I feel like the expectations were not feasible or made because I wanted to pursue them. I realize now that these expectations that I had were because I wanted to have that opportunity to make my parents proud.

I also had high expectations on my physical appearance (skinnier, approx 110 pounds. No acne, toned arms and legs, and amazing eyebrows), the friends I kept, my future boyfriend to be fiancé to be husband, when I would graduate, have a job, get married and have children, and to have a picture perfect life overall.

That was the expectation, and this is the reality. I am not studying at any of the previously mentioned schools nor do I have the slightest interest in pursuing law. I am still working on the change the world part. I may not be the weight or physical traits that I wanted, but I accept what I do have - a healthy body. I have accepted that friends come and go, but true friends will be there for me despite time and distance. The boyfriend part is non-existent but I am content with meeting new people and growing with them instead of being infatuated and obsessed with them. I have come to the conclusion that I may not graduate in 4 years and may need to work extra hard to have a job after graduation. I have also resigned to the fact that getting married at 23 and having children at 24 may not happen anymore, but that is okay. The reality that I live in may have readjusted the expectations that I set up for myself, and that really is okay. Especially since I am turning 19 in three days. Getting married at 23 suddenly seems really soon.

Over the past 8 months I have learned to grow through my life instead of just growing up (which, by the way, is not looking very good. I have been 5'2" for (nearly) ever). There is much more to life than all the petty problems I had found myself in during my time in high school. In retrospect, everything is quite small. And in time to come, the problems I find myself in now will also become quite small.

High school me was an utter confusion, despite the world around me thinking that I had everything under control. As much as I would tell myself that I had a level head growing up, the reality is that sometimes I got lost. I had no idea where I was going and what I wanted, and I think that this led to fall outs with friends, unfulfilled expectations and meaningless romantic relationships and infatuations.

I look at myself now and I can still clearly picture what I was doing a year ago. I keep telling myself that if 5 years of high school can go by quickly, than university will be more or less the same speed. This time in university has, in many ways, forced me to mature and catch up. I learned very quickly that I am actually an ambivert. I met new friends that helped to build me up, renew my faith and also kept in touch with old friends that I do not have the luxury of seeing everyday. I found also that it is time to let go of pointless grudges that I have had and move on, because I do not have the time or energy to continue doing so. All these lessons and new relationships have come with time and patience., and I know that the future will bring many more life lessons, many more mentors and many more good friends.

But until then, I am finished first year and getting ready to move on to bigger and better things.

Your fellow ambivert and ink spiller,

x R

P.S. - here's to all the life giving friendships over the past 8 months!

To Friend or Unfriend?

As I write this, I am still in my pajamas and yet feeling very accomplished at 10:30 in the morning. My hair looks bad and I am still coughing, but I feel so happy with what I was able to do.

Let me explain, my feeling of accomplishment extended way before I woke up this morning at 9.

I hit an epiphany while I was coughing my lungs out last night. And before you start to feel sorry for me, know that I have been dealing with it for nearly a month. It really is all my fault that I cannot shake this cough, but pray for me, because sleep is not coming easy and the spring semester starts today. I foresee a chance of sleepless nights, early mornings and papers on frustrating topics resulting in tears.

But I digress.

While I lay awake and coughing, I had a lot of time to think about how my first semester went in terms of work load, extra curricular activities, what I liked and disliked, and my relationships with God, family and friends.

I came to several conclusions:

- Statistics would never happen again, despite my overall B+ and the (grudgingly obvious) fact that it was quite useful in daily life.

- I had to choose one choir over the other, and I had to remind myself that just because I returned to serving one choir as opposed to two does not mean that I love God any less.

- Maybe I am not as literary as I thought I was, because I cannot close read to save my life.

- I need to make more time to spend with God and my family.

What left a big, gaping hole in my train(s) of thought last night was friends.

What makes a friend? Who are my friends?

Do I even have any friends?

(From giphy.com - OINTB)

My life began to play out before me like a cinema, adding to my insomnia. I made friends in elementary school, which eventually evolved into the friends I made in high school. Some were kept while others slowly faded into the background of life. Every experience came with new friends: summer camp, youth days, Quebec exchange, volunteering, and now university.

I see now that friendship, like any relationship, is a two way street. You do not have to be romantically intertwined with a person to ask how they are doing from time to time. And granted, everyone got busier once they left high school. We meet new people and are off chasing our dreams. We have to choose certain things over others, and sometimes that means sacrificing friendships.

To bring a little peace to myself, I can honestly say that yes, there are many people that I hold near and dear to my heart as friends. But I think that most of the time we go through life with our Facebook lenses on. The number of friends that we have on Facebook is just a deception, because I can almost guarantee that I do not talk to 80% of the ones that I have.

Which is sad.

(From giphy.com - New Girl)

             

Facebook brings a whole new definition of what a "friend" is. If you met for a day? Friend that person. You have one mutual friend? Friend that person. Your name came up in conversation a couple times, so I have to friend you. But how much do you know that person or talk to that person? Do you value that person, or are they just another icon on the list?

I am not saying that you should go through right now and delete all the friends you have not talked to in say, 3 months. But I think the point is clear that we are all so confused as to what a true friend really is.

I feel that this is really relevant, especially for many of my friends who are graduating this year. Know that you are not defined by the number of friends that you have on Facebook, or followers on Twitter or Instagram. A true friend will be there for you in the thick and thin, and will make the effort to travel on the two-way street. And if you find that things are not working out? That is okay too. In the end, remember that you cannot possibly be friends with everyone and please them all. Figuring that out gave me so much extra space to breathe, and helped me reach this conclusion.

"There are friends who destroy one another, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother." - Proverbs 18:24

I wish everyone the best in this new semester - go for the gold, good friends, and spilled ink!

x R 

PS - how did you like the GIFs?

Hello, 2015

It is incredibly strange to be writing this with the title as 2015. Where did 2014 go? It only seemed like yesterday that I was ringing in 2014 the way I usually do with my family. But one blink and 365 days have passed, with not one day wasted.

2014 was a good year.

So many trips, memories, friends made, achievements accomplished, and here we are with a new slate. Well, 2 days into a new slate.

I spent the remainder of the new year with my family in Las Vegas. While it is not the quietest place in the world, the crowds and the buzz of the city gave me energy to think and to keep going. I had the opportunity to see the Grand Canyon in Arizona. Climbing up a steep rock face to overlook everything was breathtaking, and it made me realize something really sobering:

Everyday, we get older. And every year, we get even older.

Now, I am not saying this to be cynical, to rain on your parade, or to point out the ever obvious truth because I just realized it, but because this truth that hangs above me is a constant reminder that life goes on, despite what went on that day, that month, or that year.

Life, fortunately or unfortunately, does not come with a remote that enables us to pause life when we screw up, rewind if we want to fix something or fast-forward suffering and adversity to better days. Life does not pause when we hit a rough patch and resume when the worst of it is over. Life continues to flow fluidly, day in and day out, with the good and the bad.

The Grand Canyon has undergone thousands of years of change to become what it is today, and even now it continues to change. We only have so many years to become who we are. We only have a select number of years to change with the experiences that we have had over the years to mold us into the person we ought to be.

Photo creds to my mom! Grand Canyon ponderings

Every year, people talk about new year's resolutions. We all make them and try to keep them. The reality is that sometimes, life gets in the way of keeping them. Temptation rises to prevent us from that goal of snacking once a day as opposed to three. New television series keep us glued to the TV instead of getting outside. Continued advancement of social media affects how we communicate with one another, and even with our loved ones.

This is why this year, I have no grand and sweeping resolutions that I cannot keep. I know for a fact that every year, I come up with something great (or, it sounds great) in January and by April, I have no idea what that resolution is.

Instead, this year I have a simple plan. The plan contains a single part, and that is what I need to do.

If a resolution means "a firm determination to do something", then here is what I firmly am determined to do:
- Practice piano every day for at least 45 minutes
- Exercise 3 times a week
- Pray every morning
- Spend less time on social media and more time studying or with friends/family
- Work every day to be a better person

All of these resolutions are set in place to help me achieve bigger plans, all of which I hope to accomplish within the course of this year. I challenge everyone to have SMART resolutions - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time based.

Look within yourself and see what you need to change in order to become a better version of yourself. With this change comes great responsibility, but after this comes the satisfaction of getting better and better every day.

So, what are your new year's plans?

To end off, I saw something cool on Tumblr last night as I was unpacking. And yes, I can multitask:

(Source: http://these-times-shall-pass.tumblr.com/post/106767379035)

So this year, aim high and aim for great things. Settle for nothing less than your best, and never be content with mediocrity. You are worth more than that!

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared us in advance for us to do." - Ephesians 2:10

I wish everyone the happiest of new year's, despite this greeting being two days late. May your goals be achievable and your happiness great! Keep spilling ink while you do so!

x R