Dear (Younger) Me,

So I know I am slightly behind (2009 called, they want their idea back), but in my defense, YouTube was doing this too. They are behind, and I am behind them. So everyone is behind.

About a month ago YouTube had this explosion of Dear Me videos. I vowed that I would get around to doing something like a letter or a video, but unfortunately life got in the way. But now I am here, and I have a letter to myself. I was going to do a video but then I realized that I am not as technologically advanced as I think. The Dear Me campaign consisted of letters written by people who are now adults, looking back on their 16 year old selves and imparting on them the knowledge that they have now.

I realize that I am only 18 (going on 19, finally) and that 16 was only a mere 2 years ago. I may not have gotten that much older but I feel like I have grown wiser in some respects. Or, at least that is what I would like to claim.

But here we go.

Dear (younger) me,

Spoiler alert: Life goes down. It goes down. But then, it goes way up. Life, as I have finally figured out, works that way. There are ups and downs, nasty turns but marvelous views. There are a million and one ways to get to a certain destination, and even though you didn't see it at the time, the scenic route was definitely more rewarding than the straightforward route that is ten times faster.

The thing is, you learn so much growing up. Friends come and go, and sometimes even the bestest friends in the world have to fall apart. You don't have to do everything your friends do. It's alright that you don't feel comfortable partying or having loud nights out. You are still you, and you are still unique and important.

All the people that pushed you around at one time or another, another spoiler alert: they don't mean anything. In the future, you will find yourself talking and even reconciling with people that you never thought you would. You will push aside the brick walls that had separated you from them. There are some fights that are worth fighting, and some that you just have to let go of. You will have fights with people that, in the grand scheme of things, aren't there for you at the end of the day. So why are you upset? Why are you hurting over people that don't care for you? Move on! The people that truly do care about you are there: you have to let them in and push out the things and ones that don't matter.

And as for boys, you will meet many. I think this is the hardest part to write about to you, my dear. You know as much as I do that you fall hard for guys: the tall ones, the dark haired ones, the cute ones, the sweet talking ones. But you are so young! Why so serious? Why tie yourself down so quickly? The boys that you thought you were in love with, it's not serious. I'll say it to you again: you will move on! You will meet other guys! It's extremely difficult to move on from someone who you thought loved you, but you will. I know you will, because look where we are now. Focus on finding who you are, and what you want out of  someone, and find that one person that will respect you for being you, and not what your body can or cannot do.

Finally, guess who still hasn't figured their life out? You haven't, or I haven't. Both of us haven't. You probably aren't stressing about this part of life yet. But let your mind roam and your heart desire. There are so many opportunities in the world. Don't let others tie you down into believing that you have to go into a certain career for you to succeed. Because either way, you will. Never think that you are not good enough for this person or that position. Believe in yourself and others will believe in you.

The world has so much to offer you - all you have to do is stand up and go after what they have. Do your best always, never give up and always give 150% in everything you do. Because when you do, great things will happen.

I believe in you and I love you.

Love always,

Me

x R

musings & the past, current state & first date

(Because my blog is an escape, and not a social media hehehe)

This will fall under the personal tab of things when it comes to my blog, under journal, buried feelings, stupid feelings, and love feelings and anything sentimental/illogical/dumb that comes my way.

BUT, I wanted to take time to just reminisce. To think, smile to myself, relive our moment(s), and of course, procrastinate the many, many things I should be doing but choose not to do, because I can.

Dearest blog, I haven't really been using you as a blog as of late. Hell, it's been a while since I wrote. So here we go.

1. Musings

- Currently so overwhelmed. Not feelings wise, but information overload wise. I am in this CCO faith study on campus, and we are doing the second faith study, entitled "Source". It talks all about the Holy Spirit and His power within me. Today we learned about docility - saying yes and surrendering ourselves to the mercy and power of God.
I continue to kid myself everyday when I tell myself that I know best. I know exactly what I want, when I want it, and why I want it. I basically run my life with not consideration to what God has in store for me. I guess that's why I find this 'being docile' so difficult. How do I let go of my pride and humble myself to the infinite knowledge that God has? He knows everything about me, and He knows every step I take before I take it. And he knows for a fact that the happiness that I have today may take a sharp turn south tomorrow. He knows everything, and He does everything for me, and yet I still push Him to the back burner. How do I give myself to Him, knowing that He just knows and that I just don't?

2. The past

- A year ago, I was struggling to come to terms with a boy that I thought loved me. I thought that our relationship was over. He would never text or call or message. We would never talk when we saw each other in the halls. I lost so much sleep over this boy. I would cry every night thinking that the next day he would break up with me. But I would see him each morning with the same look on his face: clueless. Clueless that I loved him so much, that I was afraid of losing him, afraid of not being able to be friends again. And yet, that still happened. I lost him. But through losing him I found a part of myself that I was missing along the way. It's cliche and all, but the pain was turned into happiness. I found myself throughout this experience.

3. Current state

- The semester is almost over. Three weeks left. Endless papers to finish writing and editing. A renowned author ripped my interview to shreds (inadvertently; I know he didn't mean to). I've lost some friends along the way but made many new ones. I am anxiously waiting on a new job. So I guess it's just the usual, mixed up emotions but nevertheless, very happy. I am happier than I was a year ago.

4. First date

I haven't felt this way in a long time. I can't describe how you make me feel. You are nothing like anyone that I have ever known, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. You are so genuine, so mature and so kind. Being with you gives me a sense of belonging and warmth, and even though I miss you, I finally feel like I have grown mature enough to find the balance between you and my life. I can't wait to grow with you and learn more about you.
btw, does you paying for our lunch make it a first date?? what about you making the first move??

I promise I will have more intellectual things to say soon. Cheers!

x R

Let's Talk... About Mental Illness

Today is an important day for me.

Over the past couple weeks, bus stops, billboards, newspapers and the Internet have sported the hashtag #BellLetsTalk, with notable personalities such as Olympian Clara Hughes, comedian and TV personality Howie Mandel and sports journalist Michael Landsberg accompanying this message. All of these personalities have dealt with their own battles with mental illness.

But what is this initiative, Let's Talk?

Currently in it's fifth year, Bell launched an initiative to end the stigma of mental illness among youth and adults, at school and in the workplace, and has to date committed $67.5 million to mental health initiatives in Canada. Through every llong distance call or text made on the Bell network, every tweet that has the hashtag #BellLetsTalk, and share of the image put on their Facebook, Bell will donate 5 cents towards these initiatives.

Last year, Bell raised nearly $5.5 million dollars for mental illness awareness.

So why does this matter? And why do I care?

And perhaps, why should you care?

Mental illness has increased in visibility over the years through news and media. And because of how media sensationalizes many things, along with our sometimes poor awareness and understanding, we are left to fear certain issues and things.

The definition of fear is "an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat".

If we "fear" mental illness, then I can see why.

Time and time again we hear about shootings of innocent lives because the person behind the gun was "mentally unstable" or suffered from Schizophrenia. We hear of bridges being closed off on both sides, creating traffic jams because emergency personnel are trying to coax a person who was about to commit suicide off of a bridge. With all this information being hurled at us left, right, and center, it really is no wonder that many of us fear mental illness and people with it.

I have mentioned in a previous post that I myself had my own battles and dealings with inner demons and wrestled with the self-acceptance of who I was and what I dealt with. I can firmly admit that as a young teenager, I did not understand the pain that I was feeling and the emotions that ripped through me. But one thing I did know was that I would not go and seek help from anyone.

Of course in retrospect, I shake my head at my 15 year old self. Help and support is the first thing that someone needs when you are bullied, when you are depressed or suicidal. Help should never be feared.

In retrospect as well, I can combine the knowledge of what I know with my previous actions. I myself had internalized within myself that if I needed to go seek help from a counselor, then therefore, I must have a mental health issue. I must be mentally ill.

I know now that this was all fear circulating within me. I could not afford to have people that I knew watch me walk into the counselor's office. I knew I would be outcast and labelled as "mentally ill". This fear is indeed an unpleasant emotion, and it built up what I knew and what I thought I knew about mental illness.

Growing up, I had instantly connected "mental illness" with autism, Down syndrome, dyslexia, and many others. Growing up and not having a full understanding of these issues, I was scared to hear people tell me to go see a counselor. I thought it confirmed that I did in fact suffer from mental illness, and having people tell me to go see a counselor validated that people saw something in me that I refused to see.

(from giphy.com)

                                 
But of course, going to counselling saved my life. And this is why I care about mental illness and the campaign that Bell has started.

As I read on Facebook this morning, "mental illness isn't as scary as we make it out to be", I firmly believe that this is true. If you Google "list of mental disorders/illnesses", the list has familiar names as well as names that have never been mentioned in media. But just because you suffer from anorexia, obsessive compulsive disorder, dyslexia, social anxiety, narcolepsy or depression, it does not dehumanize you. You are still you, and nothing less than you. You still possess the gift of yourself, something that is precious and necessary for the world.

Just like many other initiatives that raise awareness for various causes, I hope that Bell Let's Talk is even more successful than it has been in previous years and is not just a one day affair. Mental illness is a very prevalent issue among youth and adults in our society, and many times it goes unnoticed because we either do not fully comprehend it or are too afraid to start the conversation. But I want you all to know that mental illness, while it might sound terrifying and personal, needs to be brought to the forefront.

1 in 5 Canadians will experience will experience a mental health issue in their lifetime. Let's raise awareness and stand in solidarity against the stigma.

Today, for every tweet using #BellLetsTalk, Bell donates 5¢ more to #MentalHealth initiatives: http://t.co/qsyUzIANKq pic.twitter.com/Brc2eaT3Dz
— Bell Let's Talk (@Bell_LetsTalk) January 28, 2015

 I wish everyone a fantastic rest of the week and to never be afraid of showing the world who they are. Live high, live mighty, and keep spilling ink while you do.

x R

To Friend or Unfriend?

As I write this, I am still in my pajamas and yet feeling very accomplished at 10:30 in the morning. My hair looks bad and I am still coughing, but I feel so happy with what I was able to do.

Let me explain, my feeling of accomplishment extended way before I woke up this morning at 9.

I hit an epiphany while I was coughing my lungs out last night. And before you start to feel sorry for me, know that I have been dealing with it for nearly a month. It really is all my fault that I cannot shake this cough, but pray for me, because sleep is not coming easy and the spring semester starts today. I foresee a chance of sleepless nights, early mornings and papers on frustrating topics resulting in tears.

But I digress.

While I lay awake and coughing, I had a lot of time to think about how my first semester went in terms of work load, extra curricular activities, what I liked and disliked, and my relationships with God, family and friends.

I came to several conclusions:

- Statistics would never happen again, despite my overall B+ and the (grudgingly obvious) fact that it was quite useful in daily life.

- I had to choose one choir over the other, and I had to remind myself that just because I returned to serving one choir as opposed to two does not mean that I love God any less.

- Maybe I am not as literary as I thought I was, because I cannot close read to save my life.

- I need to make more time to spend with God and my family.

What left a big, gaping hole in my train(s) of thought last night was friends.

What makes a friend? Who are my friends?

Do I even have any friends?

(From giphy.com - OINTB)

My life began to play out before me like a cinema, adding to my insomnia. I made friends in elementary school, which eventually evolved into the friends I made in high school. Some were kept while others slowly faded into the background of life. Every experience came with new friends: summer camp, youth days, Quebec exchange, volunteering, and now university.

I see now that friendship, like any relationship, is a two way street. You do not have to be romantically intertwined with a person to ask how they are doing from time to time. And granted, everyone got busier once they left high school. We meet new people and are off chasing our dreams. We have to choose certain things over others, and sometimes that means sacrificing friendships.

To bring a little peace to myself, I can honestly say that yes, there are many people that I hold near and dear to my heart as friends. But I think that most of the time we go through life with our Facebook lenses on. The number of friends that we have on Facebook is just a deception, because I can almost guarantee that I do not talk to 80% of the ones that I have.

Which is sad.

(From giphy.com - New Girl)

             

Facebook brings a whole new definition of what a "friend" is. If you met for a day? Friend that person. You have one mutual friend? Friend that person. Your name came up in conversation a couple times, so I have to friend you. But how much do you know that person or talk to that person? Do you value that person, or are they just another icon on the list?

I am not saying that you should go through right now and delete all the friends you have not talked to in say, 3 months. But I think the point is clear that we are all so confused as to what a true friend really is.

I feel that this is really relevant, especially for many of my friends who are graduating this year. Know that you are not defined by the number of friends that you have on Facebook, or followers on Twitter or Instagram. A true friend will be there for you in the thick and thin, and will make the effort to travel on the two-way street. And if you find that things are not working out? That is okay too. In the end, remember that you cannot possibly be friends with everyone and please them all. Figuring that out gave me so much extra space to breathe, and helped me reach this conclusion.

"There are friends who destroy one another, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother." - Proverbs 18:24

I wish everyone the best in this new semester - go for the gold, good friends, and spilled ink!

x R 

PS - how did you like the GIFs?

Hello, 2015

It is incredibly strange to be writing this with the title as 2015. Where did 2014 go? It only seemed like yesterday that I was ringing in 2014 the way I usually do with my family. But one blink and 365 days have passed, with not one day wasted.

2014 was a good year.

So many trips, memories, friends made, achievements accomplished, and here we are with a new slate. Well, 2 days into a new slate.

I spent the remainder of the new year with my family in Las Vegas. While it is not the quietest place in the world, the crowds and the buzz of the city gave me energy to think and to keep going. I had the opportunity to see the Grand Canyon in Arizona. Climbing up a steep rock face to overlook everything was breathtaking, and it made me realize something really sobering:

Everyday, we get older. And every year, we get even older.

Now, I am not saying this to be cynical, to rain on your parade, or to point out the ever obvious truth because I just realized it, but because this truth that hangs above me is a constant reminder that life goes on, despite what went on that day, that month, or that year.

Life, fortunately or unfortunately, does not come with a remote that enables us to pause life when we screw up, rewind if we want to fix something or fast-forward suffering and adversity to better days. Life does not pause when we hit a rough patch and resume when the worst of it is over. Life continues to flow fluidly, day in and day out, with the good and the bad.

The Grand Canyon has undergone thousands of years of change to become what it is today, and even now it continues to change. We only have so many years to become who we are. We only have a select number of years to change with the experiences that we have had over the years to mold us into the person we ought to be.

Photo creds to my mom! Grand Canyon ponderings

Every year, people talk about new year's resolutions. We all make them and try to keep them. The reality is that sometimes, life gets in the way of keeping them. Temptation rises to prevent us from that goal of snacking once a day as opposed to three. New television series keep us glued to the TV instead of getting outside. Continued advancement of social media affects how we communicate with one another, and even with our loved ones.

This is why this year, I have no grand and sweeping resolutions that I cannot keep. I know for a fact that every year, I come up with something great (or, it sounds great) in January and by April, I have no idea what that resolution is.

Instead, this year I have a simple plan. The plan contains a single part, and that is what I need to do.

If a resolution means "a firm determination to do something", then here is what I firmly am determined to do:
- Practice piano every day for at least 45 minutes
- Exercise 3 times a week
- Pray every morning
- Spend less time on social media and more time studying or with friends/family
- Work every day to be a better person

All of these resolutions are set in place to help me achieve bigger plans, all of which I hope to accomplish within the course of this year. I challenge everyone to have SMART resolutions - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time based.

Look within yourself and see what you need to change in order to become a better version of yourself. With this change comes great responsibility, but after this comes the satisfaction of getting better and better every day.

So, what are your new year's plans?

To end off, I saw something cool on Tumblr last night as I was unpacking. And yes, I can multitask:

(Source: http://these-times-shall-pass.tumblr.com/post/106767379035)

So this year, aim high and aim for great things. Settle for nothing less than your best, and never be content with mediocrity. You are worth more than that!

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared us in advance for us to do." - Ephesians 2:10

I wish everyone the happiest of new year's, despite this greeting being two days late. May your goals be achievable and your happiness great! Keep spilling ink while you do so!

x R 

"Your Manliness Turns Me Off"

A journey on Transit taught me so much.

I met a friend for lunch yesterday and then proceeded to run some errands and take a Transit journey to answer the question, "Can you get off the Millenium Line at Commercial-Broadway and walk over a bridge to get to the Expo Line? Because I see a little bridge thing on the map?..."

The answer is yes, by the way.

But taking this extra journey from Burnaby Mountain out to Commercial-Broadway gave me an opportunity to encounter three young men, also coming down from SFU.

I am going to leave it here by saying that they were each of different race and that I was not quite sure how old they were. After I got on the bus, these three young men walked on after me, really loud and obnoxiously and made their way over to the section I was sitting in. Sitting a couple rows away from me, they proceeded to talk about girls. Seemed normal enough, but their discussion was so loud that I could not help but tuning in, even with headphones in.

-"That girl at Saywell Hall was so skinny, but her rack was incredible."

-"Yeah, but did you see her thighs? Gross."

-"What do you care? You wouldn't have any guts to tell her to her face that her rack was incredible."

At this point I should mention that 1) I was furiously taking notes on my phone and 2) I was furiously seething at the fact that these guys had such a tasteless conversation all the way down the to the Skytrain. And just when I thought that I could escape from them, they followed the flurry of people onto the Skytrain, and got onto the same one that I did.

They got in the same car as me, and close to the door there was a girl, about my age or so, who was extremely beautiful. She was also very blessed in ways that would make other girls envious, and this caught the attention of the boys that sat across from her on the other side of the door, in front of me. Throughout their conversation of lewd comments and more objectification, two of them spent the better part of 10 minutes trying to get the other guy to go up to her and chat her up.

-"Talk about her eyes or rack or something. Yeah, her rack. Just do it, for us."

Whether he actually liked her or not, he finally went up at one stop and sat next to her. Since all three of them had not learned volume control since the bus down from SFU, it was evident that everyone sitting around them could hear him, and became uncomfortable.

-"Hey girl. You have pretty eyes and a smokin' rack. What's you're name and where are you going?"

The girl was clearly disgusted, but kept her composure. She turned to him and said, "I heard everything you were saying with your friends over there. Your manliness turns me off." She then got off and walked out of the train, leaving the other guy there. I watched as she walked to a Transit security guard, watching to see if any of the guys had gotten up and followed her.

This stunned the guy, stunned the two others, and made me want to give that girl a standing ovation.

The point I bring with this is not to condemn guys that talk about girls, because I know for a fact that girls seem to be a very popular topic among males. What I am saying is that sometimes, what guys think are "manly" may not really be so "manly" after all; in fact, it might undermine you as opposed to bringing you up.

Seeing all this unfold in front of me reminded me of a video that a classmate shared on Facebook. Youtube star Sam Pepper made a video of a prank that he played on girls and women, which involved him using a fake third hand in a "ass-pinch" prank. This disgusted me beyond belief - how could he find it enjoyable to make girls feel uncomfortable? While the three guys were in their own little world, they did enter the bus making cat calls at a girl in a dress that was walking by .

(Source: http://twitter.com/tyleroakley)

Take it from a girl when I say that looks are not everything - personality matters too. I can tell you for a fact that those three guys were good looking and well dressed. But the moment they opened their mouths, I was also turned off. Their pretty faces did not save them. And perhaps, I do not matter in their lives, but what if the one comes along and they continue to talk about such things? I can only imagine.

Now, I know that girls are just as guilty as the boys are. We are pros at playing games, gossiping and sometimes being super catty with each other. We objectify guys as well and play up our appearances in hopes to draw guys in.

This girl, who was turned off by the three young men's idea of manliness, stunned the guys for the time being. I can only hope that they will realize that some of the discussion that they had (which, for obvious reasons, I could not share here), is inappropriate.

(Source: http://r-ideout.tumblr.com)

As the new year approaches, I challenge everyone to be a better version of themselves.

Ladies, remember that you are more than the numbers on the scale, the curves on your body and the size of jeans that you wear. You are beautiful, and true beauty comes from what you say and do. Strive for relationships that build you up, instead of tearing you down. Hold out for those that are ready to respect you for all of you.

Gentlemen, remember that you do not need to do much to impress girls. Girls look for guys that make them feel special always, and for guys that will respect them and care for them. Bragging about your "exploits" is a very Illiadic and therefore, a thing of the past. Being respectful goes a long way, and I am sure that it will bring you much more happiness in return.

A new year is coming, everyone. Make it count!

So respect everyone, be the best person you can be, and spill more ink while you do.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

x R

Filled with Joy

It has all come and gone - first university semester is officially over. The interesting thing is, it feels so final, despite the fact that this will be my constant reality for pretty much the next four years.

But it feels so good to accomplish something that used to seem so far and unattainable. I never had any doubt that this day would come, I just did not expect it to come so soon. And that I would survive it, by even more than the skin of my teeth.

I feel so comfortable where I am. After hours of days of studying in advance, my four finals have passed. My right arm feels sore, and for whatever reason I have this perpetual voice inside my head telling me that I need to study. But for the next two weeks, I am free to do whatever I want.

I think the biggest change between then and now (aside from the change of pace) is that now I am so much happier than where I was. Granted, it does not make me any happier to write really long papers or study for hours and hours on a subject that is impossible to study for (e.g. world literature), but I know that in the end, I did my best. I put in the effort, I went to class everyday and I came out of this semester learning new things, and even finding a bit of direction as to what I want to do with my life after university is done.

This happiness, I think, came from acceptance. At the beginning of the semester I was so scared of the change, even though I knew that a) it was inevitable and b) I thought I was excited and ready for it. But September came, and even though I tried to feel confident in my ability, the reality was I had so much to learn. I wanted to resort to my old ways of studying the night before, Wikipedia-ing all my information and hanging out with my old friends. But being pushed into something new - a new normal - has proven to be altogether terrifying but a blessing nevertheless. I have accepted the change, accepted that things are different now and that the expectations I had with myself before had to be altered. To understand that there is more to school than just work, that high school relationships do not last forever, and that life fulfilling relationships are the way to go. This happiness and acceptance comes after I have decided to let somethings go and fight for other things that I thought were worthwhile in my life.

Today in mass we talked about joy and what it meant to be joyful. When the right things are top on your priority, everything else will fall into place.

And I guess that is all I need.

Here are some pictures that I took over the course of finals mania:

I wish everyone fantastic grades, a Merry Christmas and a happy new year! Enjoy the break and spill more ink while you do!

x R